An Open Letter to Club Owner

[Jarrett]

Saw this on another forum and had to pass it along



Dear Owner,


As musicians who get all the glory, we feel its time to thank those whom we rely upon for the opportunity to showcase our talent and express our creative faculty to the local community because, as everyone knows, musicians don't really need the money. We do it all for beer and sex. We're artists. We have no time for such trivialities as kids, mortgages or car payments.


Some of the things we love:


1· When you send us home early and pro-rate our pay for the night when it's slow. This gives us a special thrill, since we know that you'll one day give us a big bonus when it's packed. Plus, by leaving early, we can now go watch our friends play at real bars and spend our night's wages.


2· When trying to book dates, we love when you ask us if we're free on the 17th. Sure, let us check our calendar. Yeah, we're open that night. Oh, you meant of November. Of this year?


3· We also love when you say, Well, we might be doing something next month for Thursdays. Yeah, we might also be doing something next month. Foreclosing. One of our favorite questions is, “Do you have a following?” Of course we do! We firmly believe club owners shouldn't have to concern themselves with such banalities as advertising. Or promotions. Or drink specials. The responsibility for attracting customers must fall solely with the band. We have no doubt whatsoever the people who saw us regularly at that bar in Richmond will charter a bus and trek up to Harrisburg to hear us play Smoke on the Water.


Put your minds at rest, troubled bar proprietors. Just a few of the things we'd like to thank you for:


1· For canceling us forty minutes prior to our arrival at your bar, because as everyone knows, babysitters are free, and frankly, we have nothing better to do on a Saturday night.


2· For replacing our four-piece band with the clove cigarette-smoking guy and his $129 Fender acoustic guitar, paisley button-down shirt and soul patch. There’s a reason he works for a hundred bucks.


3· For paying the exact same wage for a duo that you paid in 1986. So now, we have to work six jobs a week instead of four to make a living. Thanks, too, for not cashing your own checks. We realize how this complicates your accountant's life, and his happiness is all that matters.


4· And for having the house music set to the local oldies radio station, we salute you. We love following "Unchained Melody" with "Down With The Sickness."


5· For not having a stage. It’s a real treat to stand on your wing sauce-saturated carpet. And being on the same level as your patrons makes it much easier for drunken assholes to approach us and fall into our equipment while spewing a three-foot stream of vomit onto the drum kit. Thank you.


6· Thanks for the track lighting above the stage. Makes us feel like rock stars. Especially when they're multi-colored. Also, thanks for the break on food and drinks. Fifty percent is such a gift. It’s our distinct pleasure to shell out $9.00 for a shot of Patron that costs you ninety-eight cents. Grazie. Merci. Domo. Danke.


7. Thanks for hiring the three laid-off bus mechanics who threw a band together after the economy **** the bed and will now play for $75 a man. Enjoy their ripping 11-minute rendition of Cocaine, complete with 64-bar bass solo and fudged lyrics.


8· Thanks for canceling us on a Thursday night for the Browns-Lions game on NFL Network.


9· Thanks for putting TVs directly over our heads, so people can watch Worlds Scariest Videos while we play. It’s always a thrill to hear such expletives as WHOA!, HOLY ****! while navigating the soliloquy from Nights in White Satin.


10· And let us not forget the bartenders, who listen to us all night without once clapping (if for no other reason than to induce the comatose people at the bar to clap).


11· And thanks so much for cutting off the jukebox 10 seconds into "Sweet Home Alabama, "so that we can hear that collective "AWWWWWW...." from the audience as we hit the stage. Most inspiring.


12 - Thanks for waiting until you've served all drinks, lit every cigarette, wiped off the bar, stocked the coolers and done your side work before moping toward the cash register with the quickness of a tai chi instructor to give us our meager salary while muttering, They make as much as me, and only worked four freakin' hours. Yes, it’s a travesty, but most high-level universities no longer give out bartending scholarships.


And please note that it took us slightly longer to learn our instrument than it took for you to make it through Billy Bob's Bartending School. And we doubt seriously that you sit at home practicing bartending in your spare time.


So thanks for handing over the dough and shutting the **** up.

[Konigstiger22]

+1

[Smokin' Toaster]

Sure, fine, go ahead and rub it in. You play in all the nice bars with the staff and management who care about the band. Oh what I would give to play in places like that!!!!

[rtslinger]

lmao

[jaywa]

Good stuff.

[The Owl]

LOVE IT!!!!

[snyderz]

Bravo!

[bikeplate]

HI

Pretty funny stuff but thats the game 4 out of 5 nights when you're in a cover band. Like it or lump it. Or just stay home.

Rob

[edbass]

Originally Posted by bikeplate

HI

Pretty funny stuff but thats the game 4 out of 5 nights when you're in a cover band. Like it or lump it. Or just stay home.

Rob

+1; That's the gig.

Having the downsides to the world of the bar band pointed out is humorous to anyone who has played bar gigs; like most inside jokes. I've had all of those scenarios happen to me over the years, and it sucks, but in actuality if whomever wrote that dissertation truly feels that way they probably need to find another line of work.

There are two side to every story, and making your living owning or working in a bar; particularly a live music venue, is no easy way feed your family either…

Funny stuff though!

[fhm555]

If playing in bars caused me that much heartache, I'd find something else to do.

For the most part, playing in bars sucks, always has, always will.

If you don't care for that fact, don't ask for a job playing in bars.

IME, the largest single obstacle to playing in bars is convincing the "artists" in any given band that we are in fact beer sales people and the patrons we've been payed to please could give a $&!+ about the personal sacrifice required to make music, or if the bass/keys/guitar/whatever player missed a note in the last song.

Bar bands are the Muzak of the "let's get drunk and try to score" crowd. They want comfortable, familiar tunes they can push one another around the dance floor to, in a time honored pre sex ritual which is the core reason for the existence of bars in the first place. As long as you never lose sight of that immutable fact, playing in bars is simple, and fun.

[Jarrett]

Originally Posted by fhm555

IME, the largest single obstacle to playing in bars is convincing the "artists" in any given band that we are in fact beer sales people and the patrons we've been payed to please could give a $&!+ about the personal sacrifice required to make music, or if the bass/keys/guitar/whatever player missed a note in the last song.

Bar bands are the Muzak of the "let's get drunk and try to score" crowd. They want comfortable, familiar tunes they can push one another around the dance floor to, in a time honored pre sex ritual which is the core reason for the existence of bars in the first place. As long as you never lose sight of that immutable fact, playing in bars is simple, and fun.

Very insightful and succinct insight there, gracias.

I'd actually like to see a rebuttal letter from a bar owner in this vein

[bikeplate]

Hi

Ive pretty much always enjoyed playing bars and clubs. 99% of the people in there are musicians and actually dig what you do if you talk to them about it. Its not always pretty, good smelling, all that clean, or condusive to a rock concert but enjoyable all the same. If you want something different, you're better off elsewhere

Rob

[jimmydean]

Jarrett , you are a true musician and have just moved a notch above Ghandi in my humble opinion . You speak the truth , I want to cry out from coast to coast , sea to shinning sea . All of you get down and give it up to he who will from this day forth be known as "THE JARRETT" and when in need of comfort ,remember the new mantra of "WWJD"

[Factor88]

I am assuming the original writer was at least somewhat being tongue-in-cheek, because otherwise what a bitter person.

I've run into my share of real peices of work when it comes to club/bar owners or managers over the years, but I have to say that the majority ranged from easily tolerable to sometimes totally cool.

Its amazing how easy any job can be if you are talented, work hard, obey the rules, and show respect for yourself and others (including coworkers, regardless of if they are your boss or employees). I find it strange how some people always seem to have problems with "the boss", no matter how many bosses, and how many different gigs. These folks should look in a mirror.......

[Jarrett]

I didn't write the OP, but I took a stab at a rebuttal

Dear Musician,

As bar owners who enjoy having large piles of money to give away to droves of local musicians, we want to return thanks to those whom we are privileged enough to get to witness as they express themselves musically. As everyone knows, bars don’t need to make money, they do it all for the experience of cooking wings and the exciting conversations with patrons that are three times over the legal blood alcohol limit. We’re bar owners, we have no time for such trivialities as kids, mortgages or car payments either.


Some of the things we love:

1. When you end your set early and expect to receive the same amount of pay for the evening, this makes a bar owners night since we know that one day you will show up early and play twice as long just out of the goodness of your talent-filled hearts. Plus by ending your set early, our staff can now enjoy free time to catch up with each other as all of the patrons quickly exit the venue.


2. When replying to a booking request, we thank you for taking as much as time you need to contact all of your band members. We completely understand that the guitar player doesn't have a phone in his van down by the river and only communicates via carrier pigeon and that process takes time.


3. We also love when you accept a booking with the club only to let us know two weeks later that the band has decided to split up over musical differences pertaining to the length of each player's out of key and off tempo solos in Mustang Sally or “Mustang AWESOME” as your band calls it. We will have no problem filling that night with one of the quality acts that accept short notice gigs because they didn't have anything scheduled as long as their bass player will be out on bail by then.


Don't strain you musical genius minds fretting as here are a few things we'd also like to thank you for:

1. For canceling on us forty minutes prior to scheduled performance time because everyone knows that the patrons that paid $5 to get in to see a band completely understand these circumstances as they arise and out of respect never request a refund or free round of drinks due to your absence.


2. For demanding four times as much money as the DJ that brings in twice as much money to the bar and charges half as much. We totally understand your musical mastery is worth every cent of that lost revenue and more!


3. For playing the exact same set that you did when we first booked your band back in 1986 while drawing even less of a crowd. How people wouldn't want to hear your 37 minute drum solo in Wipeout 25 years later is completely beyond us. Thanks too for having us write out your paycheck to your keyboard player's girlfriend (from this week) since she is the only one involved with the band that actually has a checking account.


4. And thank you for playing Disturbed covers on Senior's Night!


5. Thanks for turning up your amplifiers extra loud to offset the physics of our venue not having a stage to your liking. We are also really interested to hear your weekly dissertation on how tube amps have to be at 133 decibels to function properly as well.


6. Thank for only breaking a few of the stage lights during your Pete Townsend impressions and then explaining how that expense needs to be incurred by the venue as an act of artistic expression.


7. Thanks for the whole hearted belief that your 12-minute version of Cocaine is vastly superior to the other band's simply because your singer was able to truly invoke the spirit of the original artist by rolling around on the floor and drinking heavily from a bottle of Jack Daniels.


8. Thanks for honing your craft to a point that we are willing to take a loss for the night to hear your renditions of your favorite Classic Rock B-sides instead of enjoying a bar full of sports fans that tip heavily.


9. Thanks for "accidentally" putting your Tokai Les Paul copy guitar through the TV behind the stage to as you put it "really embrace the vibe of the era" in which the song you were playing was written. And sure we will reimburse you for the damage to your guitar, we’d be crazy NOT to.


10. Thank you for using your vast musical abilities and peerless stage presence to render our patrons completely unenthusiastic and lifeless. We fully understand the losses at the bar that we take while this is happening, but at least they and we got to hear you perform!


11. Thank you so much for then playing a version of Sweet Home Alabama so wrong that the resident alcoholics want a refund on their swill. Most exhilarating.


12. Thank you for taking an extra-long time to break down at the end of the night so our wait staff can spend much more enjoyable time in the venue after closing as you know this their favorite place to be in the world at 3am.


And please note that we know that you have been playing guitar for a week and a half prior to requesting a gig. We understand that is much more sacrifice than the club owner endured while finishing up his MBA.

So thanks for packing up quickly and getting the **** out.

[Peace Cee]

club/bar gigs = I chance to play music, a chance to play the RIC, a chance to hone the chops, and a chance to make a little change. I feel your pain; a spade is a spade.
If it's any consolation, we played an outdoor festival last week, and I could write the same letter. (We played an original set and opened for a "big name" act) My letter to the organizers could begin like this:

Dear deluded, disorganized, hippy show promoter and inept sound crew,
Thanks for smelling your own farts to the point where you think/thought you could run a "top flight" event...

In conclusion, a chance to play music, the RIC, etc.

[senp5f]

Haha. I like the interplay here.

I've found that bar owners' reserve of goodwill towards a band is directly proporitional to the band's draw. Bottom line is, if you bring in lots of people who drink a lot of booze and make a lot of money for the bar, the bar is usually happy to split the profits you helped it make.

Think about it. A bar is basically a business that has figured out how to charge $9 for 90 cents of booze. That seems like an outrageous markup, but it's also quite costly, depending on the state and city, to pay for a liquor license and a hefty insurance policy, on top of all the usual costs of doing business. If it were truly profitable for bars to bring in live musicians versus canned music or DJs, they would do so in a heartbeat.

The core problem is that there is very little premium these days on music made by real people. If you look at the few kinds of music that continue to be profitable, very few of the genres are guitar/bass/drums-based. They are mostly driven by vocals, sex and samples or synths, and often the live performances suck. Entertainment provided by a live musicians is a niche offering, rather than the norm, and people don't put a premium on it. I will play for a cut of the bar profits over a cover any night of the week.

Yep, playin in a cover band sucks. But imagine if you busted your butt to create catchy, infectious original music, and then it sucked just as hard to try to build an audience and make a living. Oh wait...that's life for an originals band!

[Jarrett]

Originally Posted by senp5f

Yep, playin in a cover band sucks. But imagine if you busted your butt to create catchy, infectious original music, and then it sucked just as hard to try to build an audience and make a living. Oh wait...that's life for an originals band!

lol

[jaywa]

I have one to add,

Dear Bar Owner, thank you for arbitrarily deciding to charge a $5 cover on our Thursday night gig even though this had never been part of the negotiations, nor had it been publicized. Our friends and family greatly appreciated the opportunity to choose between paying an unexpected cover charge, or awkwardly turning around and leaving. It was also a tremendous boost to the band's morale to see people coming in, look at the guy collecting money at the door, turn around and walk out. You probably lost $1,000 of high-margin food and alcohol sales from all those people you scared off tonight but hey, you did collect at least $75 at the door... and you're the businessman so I'm sure you know what you were doing.

[theretheyare]

If the only hand to bite is the hand that feeds you, so be it.