Post your old/current stupid/embarassing LYRICS

[Bard2dbone]

I was having a discussion with a co-worker that eventually worked its way around to just how lame and bizarre the things we have to sing in public can be. (ZZ Top - Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers, anyone?) when it occurred to me that I had even stranger examples handy...from originals.

So I invite you all to post the lamest/oddest/goofyest lyrics you/your band have ever done in public. Bonus points for songs you helped create.

To start off I will shamefully admit to parts of one of our originals from back in the day. In my defense, I was trying to be as much like Zappa as I could when we wrote this one. So each verse would start with several slips of paper with individual words on them dumped out of a bowl onto the table. And I had to use the phrase that came out, somehow. Mostly they were pretty darned odd.

Iowa Surfers (excerpts)

The surfers from Iowa in the arctic heat
Wear shaggy toupees on their blue painted feet
They're running from a penguin with a bad attitude
A pissed off penguin: Man. That's generally rude.
But that penguin...the angry swimming avian...
has got a chainsaw
How does he work it without thumbs!?!

(guitar solo)

A man-eating hotdog in a green limousine
threw me a baseball bat and said just one thing
Play heiroglyphic hopscotch with both feet tied behind your head
Until you pass out in a blues bar
At least I think that's what he said.


At times there were MANY other verses, depending on the audience. If they were up on their feet and partying, I'd keep making new ones up. If not, then probably these two and one that was usually in between about a bar that hired the Sirens of Greek mythology to lure in customers. I'm not sure I remember how that one went. But it started from joking about a Dallas Observer article about a vocalist friend of ours that referred to her as a 'Blues siren'.

[Ibanezsr500]

Haha, this tread has the potential to be VERY entertaining. sub'd.

[The Owl]

From about 1987

UPSTAIRS:



By the kitchen

In the back room

To wrestle with a large cat

Look for raw materials

To feed your--



Raw materials to feed your inner and outermost desires

And those aspects of yourself which you thought you can;t control

But always had control of anyway

So there!



Go out in the rainstorm

Caress the car

Drive through the wall

Find yourself on an island

An island where--



An island where you don;t have to worry

About anything you may have said or done in the last 10 years

That could possibly offend some non-existent religious group or political agency



Let me by

Let me down

Let me Upstairs



Look in the mirror you see the devil

Look at other people you see enemies

Look at yourself and you see

Everything



I'm a friend of an enemy

Of the state in which I live

It's a place I call Upstairs

Don't shut the door!



Let me by

Let me down

Let me Upstairs

[Bard2dbone]

I love my sister's Barbie doll.
But Barbie's such a tease.
She pretends she doesn't notice...
but guys like me have needs.

I love her nylon blonde hair...
and her painted-on blue eyes.
I must admit I am turned on
by Barbie's plastic thighs

I love a Barbie doll
A little Barbie doll.

Argh! I'm so jealous of him!
What do they do when that toybox is shut?
I'm so jealous of Ken.
I want to kick his little plastic butt.

I love a Barbie doll
A little Barbie doll.

Barbie lives in my dreams.
I wake up in a sweat.
Thinking about what we just did.
on the hood of her pink 'Vette.

If she would stop teasing
flashing smiles and curls
I know that I could be God's gift
to little plastic...women.

I love a Barbie doll
A little Barbie doll
I love a Barbie Doll
A little Barbie doll.
I love a Barbie doll


Somewhat needless to say, we never came to the attention of Mattel's lawyers. If we had, either this song would have been retired like I wanted. Or it would have been re-written to something less Mattel-offensive, and hopefully less Me-embarassing.

[TomA1234]

My god, that was hilarious, it'll take quite something to top that.

[Bard2dbone]

I wrote it as a joke, just to prove to the smart-asses in the band that I could write something that wasn't dark. John, the guitarist, said "A typical Wayne song is six minutes long and someone dies at the end." Once I'd done it and showed them, I never wanted to sing it again. Of course it became our most requested song.

[jive1]

One of our most requested songs from my old Blues Band, Smokin Tweed - Chicken Man. It was written as a joke, and we wound up playing it at every show. Even had some hotties come up with a dance for it.

I'm your chicken man baby, give your chicken to me
I'm your chicken man baby, give your chicken to me
I like it extra crispy, or original recipe

I love my chicken, tell the world I do
I love my chicken, tell the world I do
I'll eat it baked, fried, boiled, especially barbecue

I'm your chicken man baby, give your chicken to me
I'm your chicken man baby, give your chicken to me
I like it extra crispy, or original recipe

Guitar solo that sounded like a Chicken clucking

Breakdown with a little dialogue:
Hey AJ, what piece of chicken do you like best?
Man, I like the legs.
Yo, Jong, what kind of chicken do you like?
I like me some juicy thighs
How bout you Jeff, what chicken you like?
I like some big fat breasts

If you was my chicken, girl I'd chop off your head
If you was my chicken, girl I'd chop off your head
And cook you up for dinner, with some beans and corn bread

I'm your chicken man baby, give your chicken to me
I'm your chicken man baby, give your chicken to me
I like it extra crispy, or original recipe

[boombloom]

Bacon,Lettuce, Tomato
and cream of reuben soup
I ask you if you're kidding
and you answer "yes but who?"
You're the diner girl of my dreams
of my dreams
You're the diner girl of my dreams
Service when I want it
and always with a smile
I plan to drink my milkshake
and to watch you for a while.
You're the diner girl of my dreams.
Eyes of coal and skin of ivory
a doily in your hair
That black and white uniform
is the only thing you wear
You're the diner girl of my dreams.

[JumboJack]

I was in a band a long,long time ago... Someone had a song with the verse...

I was one for breakin' hearts and tellin' lies'
No woman could resist my alibies...

It has stuck with me all these years...

[stingray2112]

This thread is going to be awesome. I'm already laughing my ass off.

[BelleNoireBass]

Oh I'm going to have something to contribute to this hopefully when I get home.

[bassteban]

Mister Tumbleweed by Fist Full of Cool, circa 1987:

Ridin into town on a black-eyed horse
Mr Tumbleweed- he is the worst
Gets all the women in this here town
Stores all the gold on the other side of town

I said
Ooooooooh yeah
Mr Tumbleweed is the baddest man in town
Go

(repeat)

Oooooh yeah
He gets all the p***y and he never wears a frown
Yeehaw

[nutso42]

The rhythm guitarist and I are the song-writers for our band, so most of our songs are a joint effort, but this one was by me and our drummer.

I JUST CAN'T SNEEZE

verse 1:
My sinuses clear
Whenever you're near
I just can't sneeze around you
All the allergens fade
I've really got it made
I just can't sneeze around you

chorus:
Anytime you come by, my nostrils are dry
It's the nicest thing about you
I just can't sneeze around you

verse 2:
If we're together all day
I throw my tissues away
I just can't sneeze around you
I don't need no pills
'Cause I've got no ills
I just can't sneeze around you

chorus:
Anytime you come by, my nostrils are dry
It's the nicest thing about you
I just can't sneeze around you

bridge:
But then anytime you're gone
Those pesky sniffles come along
Baby I wish that you would see
You're more than just Tylenol to me

[TypicalBassist]

"What, what, In the butt! Let's gooo..". e.e"

[nutso42]

Due to the popularity of movie adaptions of Battleship, Transformers, etc, we decided to write an all-purpose theme song for any of those.


We were walking hand-in hand
As we strolled through Candy Land
Suddenly you sprung your Mousetrap
Turned to me and snapped:

Bingo, baby! It's checkmate! (x8)

I felt like your little Whack-a-mole
Without you I don't feel whole
Through my heart, someone stabbed me
You, with the knife, in the Conservatory

Bingo, baby! It's checkmate! (x8)

You really need to get a grip
Tried so hard to sink my Battleship
Now I have one final wish
Jump off a cliff and go fish!

Bingo, baby! It's checkmate! (x32)

[heroincredible]

A couple of years ago I wrote a song called Pancake Land. It was more of a joke than anything, and we never played it at gigs. Then it came time for our cd release, and I had the idea to save all of our silly songs for the encore.

Encore time comes, we open it with Pancake Land, and everyone goes nuts. The lyrics are "going to pancake land". That's it. And everyone loved it.

Eventually we record it, and people love it. Our friend asks us to play his wedding? The one song we had people constantly requesting at the wedding was Pancake Land (people went so far as writing it on napkins and begging us to play it).

We open for William Shatner at a comic expo? Obviously we have to play the Star Trek theme, only nothing sounds right. Solution? Pancake Land with a Star Trek solo. Crowd loves it. Next comic expo, LeVar Burton is there. Same thing, only this time with the theme from Reading Rainbow.

Pancake Land bailed us out of so many situations, and every single time we have ever played it was either a joke because the song is silly, or out of necessity in a medley.

[Bard2dbone]

I had a one-off gig with members of several bands from my old group of friends. So there were members from The Neighbors, Lolita Gray, Fuzzy Logic, and Mighty Joe Young.

So mixing indie, dance, punk, and bluesy psychedelia, it's probably not surprising that we didn't all know many of the same songs. But we had 50-75% coverage of several and were faking it fairly well.

Then someone asked Scot, from Lolita Gray to do one of their songs, which no one else knew. And they even handed him the props that went with it. He quickly showed the rest of us the song. It was basically a I IV V and our lyrics consisted entirely of 'You can read it in the headlines. You can read it in the hea-ead- lines.' In between our repeated lines, Scot would pretend to be reading the paper and would "read" one of the headlines. Except it was a real newspaper and his lines weren't: "Headless body found in topless bar" 'You can read it in the headlines' "I was Bigfoot's love child." 'You can read it in the hea-eadlines.' "Four out of five doctors disagree" 'You can read it in the headlines'...

You get the idea.

[the wako kid]

A song I wrote over a beatiful acoustic ballad.

never took any hits from the bong
I was ****ing sober when I wrote this song
never really learnedhow to play guitar
I only learned enough chords to get this far

never intended to make a lot of money
but all the girls think that my songs are funny
never really thought of how I'd write the chorus
but I'll kick you like chuck norris

chorus
this song totally sucks
but and I dont really give a ****

I know this song isn't that creative
Idon't see why youre so negative[pronounced negaytive]
I know I pronounced it wrong
I don't give a ****,its a terrible song

every time I strum the strings
girls want to do nasty things
get them into bed
and make them give me ****

(chorus)

this song just got really dirty
but youll be a virgin until youre 30
I got laid in elementary school
none of the ladies think youre cool

I dont care if the lyirics are violent
I'm gonna play it anyway
I don't give a **** what those bitches have to say
they can try to pull us off stage
but I will punch them in the face with rage
like "get away from me bitch,
"just go die in a ditch"
this song could never end
but I've got to go **** my girlfriend
so I'mjust going to end it here
cuz we all know youre a queer

(fade on chorus)

me and my guitarist were in a very silly mood when we wrote it,and we used our freestyle rap battle skills to write the most offensive song possible.needless to say,weve gotten a lotof laughs the couple times we played it.

[Bard2dbone]

A local band that I saw at a rave (Remember those?) had one crowd participation song that I wish I'd come up with. It was called "You're so @#$%ing great. But I suck."

The best part was that the singer wouldn't actually sing that line. He'd pick someone out of the audience and point the mic at him. And audience guy would do that line four or eight times in quick succession.

[Bard2dbone]

Just to get this thread back up near the top, I'll add in that the lyrics in question don't have to be from originals. Post any lyrics that you heard and thought 'Seriously? We have to sing THAT?'

For examples:

We are currently doing 'Good Morning Little Schoolgirl' which has lyrics that make me wonder if Chris Hanson will meet us with a camera crew as we try to leave practice. and 'Beer Drinkers And Hell Raisers, for which I suspect We will be forced to take a neurological evaluation for Broca's aphasia (translation for the non-medical: a condition common with some kinds of stroke that makes you speak gibberish when you think you are speaking clearly; You say. 'I can't tell what you're saying.' and the people in the room around you hear your voice say "I can't scrunch the splendifference." that kind of thing)