Rock musician archetypes

[pklima]

Some of you know Bill Anschell's guide to jazz jam sessions. If you don't, read it. It's much better and much funnier than my post. The part about musician archetypes is especially great, but unfortunately it mainly applies to jazz. Here's my attempt at a rock/metal equivalent of that.



While all bands claim to be unique, creative and different, and every member of every band will tell you he’s expressing his individuality, those of us who have been in more than one band know none of that is true. The truth is they’re all exactly the same because all musicians are embodiments of archetypes which have been the same since the dawn of man. Every concert is like a scene from an ancient Greek tragedy. A band’s career unfolds as an epic just like the Trojan war, only with less Trojan horses and more Trojan condoms. The characters are always exactly the same – their physical appearance will vary slightly, but their roles are always precisely these:

Drums: deeply insecure because no one thinks they’re real musicians. They try to look good on stage, but because they are sitting behind the kit while everybody else jumps around doing cool stage moves, the audience never notices their new shirts. In protest they will often take those shirts off during the gig, but then realize that doesn’t help because now nobody’s noticing their new tattoos instead.

Guitar: deeply insecure because there are so many other guitarists in the world. Every guitarist realizes that at every concert there are at least two dozen other guitarists in the audience, staring at him and judging him. Judging him harshly. In order to earn the respect of other guitarists, they buy very expensive guitars. Of course this just makes other guitarists jealous and angrier in their judgments.

Bass: deeply insecure because everyone assumes they're failed guitarists. Bassists try to prove they're not by always playing way too many notes. That annoys the rest of the band. Clever bassists always bring spare cables, batteries and even microphones in case someone else needs them. They hope that saving their bandmates' bacon a few times will allow them to get away with playing too many notes.

Keys: deeply insecure because they never feel like they’re really part of the band. That’s partly because half the time they have nothing to play, but mostly because if you try to do cool stage moves from behind a set of keys the audience will only see half of you anyway. They consider themselves the intellectual of the band because for half the set they're just standing there not playing or moving around or doing anything else, just thinking.

Vocals: deeply insecure because they think the rest of the band is trying to steal attention away from them. They have a hard time remembering lyrics because they’re too busy constantly monitoring how much attention the audience and the rest of the band is paying to them. The best singers overcome this by singing in a manner which renders the lyrics completely incomprehensible anyway.

[GhostKey]

Awesome Post.
And kinda true, sadly.

[oldcatfish]

Quote:"Awesome Post.
And kinda true, sadly."

+1

[IncX]

lol i agree

[plankspanker13]

Brilliant.

[EatADeadGoat]

Originally Posted by pklima

Bass: Completely enraged because everyone assumes they're failed guitarists. Bassists try to prove they're not by always playing way too many notes and/or playing slap bass with their c***. That annoys the rest of the band. Clever bassists always bring spare cables, batteries, basses and even amps in case the rest of the band destroys/sells his gear gear. They hope that one day they can actually be heard in the mix

I decided to alter your post a tad so that way metal can be covered too. May be a bit much, (actually, really overdone,) but eh. It's 3AM dammit. I'm gonna go sreep.

[Etchbass]

Originally Posted by pklima

Bass: deeply insecure because everyone assumes they're failed guitarists. Bassists try to prove they're not by always playing way too many notes. That annoys the rest of the band. Clever bassists always bring spare cables, batteries and even microphones in case someone else needs them. They hope that saving their bandmates' bacon a few times will allow them to get away with playing too many notes.

Hahaha, I bring a bag of patch cables with me to every gig/rehearsal, along with extra instrument cables, guitar straps, power strip, the occasional capo, etc...

One time I recovered our guitarist's $1000 pedal board that "went missing" from a Gig in Buffalo. Edward Sharp & The Magnetic Zeros "accidentally" loaded it up with their gear and brought it back to California with them... I got in touch with their management and hap it shipped back via fed-ex... Brought it with me to our next rehearsal and told the guitarist all about my detective work and recovery mission, that put me in good standing with everyone for a solid 5 hours!

Honestly though, I think that more often than not, I'm guilty of playing the bare minimum---I write/learn a part, and stick to it exactly, when bandmates might actually prefer a fill or two. It's all good though, we're all really tight with each other in the band.

[pklima]

Originally Posted by Etchbass

Honestly though, I think that more often than not, I'm guilty of playing the bare minimum---I write/learn a part, and stick to it exactly, when bandmates might actually prefer a fill or two. It's all good though, we're all really tight with each other in the band.

Yeah, same here. As long as we're being honest, I personally live up to the vocals archetype more than the bass archetype.

[turbo chicken]

i like how everyone is "deeply insecure"

[VincentSalizeri]

Originally Posted by turbo chicken

i like how everyone is "deeply insecure"

Well yeah, why else would they want to play music?

[Rage1331]

Originally Posted by turbo chicken

i like how everyone is "deeply insecure"

Beat me to it.

[pklima]

And nobody's complained that "Hey, that's totally wrong, I'm not insecure!"

[Matthijs]

Originally Posted by pklima

Clever bassists always bring spare cables, batteries and even microphones in case someone else needs them. They hope that saving their bandmates' bacon a few times will allow them to get away with playing too many notes.

Ouch, that one did hit a nerve.

Well, as long as it's working

[pklima]

I suspect a bluegrass version of this would be the best, I suspect. The archetypes there seem even more archetypal than in other genres.