The saga continues: the legendary 'Farting During a Show' Fart II Thread

[cardboardJoe]

Originally Posted by SamTheCannibal

I don't know if anyone here has figured this out.....but if you fart on a pillow, the smell is actually trapped inside for a very long time. I remember when i ripped one on my ex's pillow (kind of by accident) and she picked up maybe 10 minutes later to go take a nap and you just hear "OH F***". She then asked me if my insides were dying.

Tested. True.

[Joebarnes]

Not a gig story, but was walking through the lineup for Big Thunder Mountain at Disneyland, we were moving quickly, so I thought I could crop dust and escape on my way. Just as I dropped my guts, we came to a screeching halt. I could smell it was bad when from behind me, a little girl says "SOMETHING SMELLS LIKE FART!". We start moving again and the family with the little girl went up one stairwell and we went up the other. My shoulders were shaking and I burst out laughing. My (then fiance) turns to me and says "What's so funny?" All I could get out between laughs was "I know what smells like fart." Amazingly, she's still married to me to this day.

[TheDude007]

This thread needs to be resurected. I could go for some good laughs today. Who's got a good one to share?

[Varcolac]

No gig-related stories, but there's some quirk of body chemistry and attitude that occurs at most of my rehearsals with my band Carpathia. The rest of the week, we are all high-functioning individuals, able to converse fluently with the outside world without a single thunderous bottom-burp.

Put us in a small room with a drum kit and a PA system, and it becomes five guys comparing and contrasting their gaseous excretions. It's obscene.

[Unprofessional]

I hope this critical aspect hasn't been covered in the previous umpteen pages of this thread. If so, I apologize. If not, then let's see your fart grading system. Here's mine:
Volume level, duration, escape velocity, gas volume or spread (not to be confused with volume level), modulation (changes in volume level or escape velocity during each discrete fart) and stench intensity.

[Keyser Soze]

A friend hipped me to another parameter: "Hang time."

[jonas_24112]

Okay, here's a fairly related gig story:

A couple of weeks ago, my band was playing one of our regular gigs. I noticed an old cowboy dancing around on the floor. You know the type, the old dude was probably in his 60's with Lee jeans, cowboy hat & boots, etc. Well, I knew I'd seen him before and something stood out about that memory, but I couldn't remember anything except he danced non-stop during the whole night. It didn't matter what the song was, the old guy would dance the whole time. So as I played, I kept thinking about the guy and why he stood out in my mind.....and then I remembered.

The last time I saw him, well.....I actually smelled him before I saw him. It was at the same place as my gig, but I was out with the wife on a non-gig night. We were both on the dance floor and kept smelling the foulest stench, so we left the floor. Heck, the whole dancefloor was cleared by the smell!! So, as we're sitting down from dancing and having a smoke, I get a good look at the cowboy and notice a really big brown stain on the back of his pants. I point it out to my wife and we realize, he's pooped himself. At this point, we don't know whether to laugh or feel for sorry for the old cowboy. Well the guy, true to his nature, never left the dance floor and we didn't go back on it either.

So back to my gig. My band's playing and I'm up there remembering ole brown stain and have to share it with the guys. So, I start walking around the stage in the middle of the song telling the guys about ole brown stain. By the time I got up on the drum riser to tell the drummer, the two guitarists are in tears and the lead singer is singing his heart out, yet has a troubled look on his face trying to figure out why the guitarists are crying. About that time, I finish telling the drummer about brown stain and I turn around to watch the lead singer keep looking at me wondering what's wrong and the guitarists are bent over playing with tears in their eyes.

The rest of the night I would either cut my eyes in front of one of my band mates to look at the dance floor or I would make a joke about them staring at old men's a'***s. Every time, at least one of them would just crack up and it would start all over again.

I finally had to fess up to the lead singer and he told me I needed to grow up. I told him, hey, just cause you're 51 and closer to wearing Depends than me doesn't make it any less funny.

I do feel bad though. The cowboy ended up dropping $20 into our tip/request bucket by the end of the night. He's welcome back any time!!!!

[afzoomie67]

Not gig-related, but..
At my high school, there's this one kid and he's in my two afternoon classes.. and in religion, he always lets them rip. They're terrible AND they spread across the room. No one is safe. In swimming one day, you just saw all these bubbles..

[SolarMan]

Nothing to do with a gig, but I am responsible for the biggest farting debacle that I am aware of.

About 20 years ago I started a new diet craze. I was convinced that raw onions were the healthiest food a man can eat. I would eat 3 or 4 whole raw onions slathered in peanut butter every day. This went on for a week with at most only some bad breath.

Well, one night I came home from work and ate a couple more onions and it started. I had one heck of a dump and holy moly did it smell like it came from another world!

My roomates (my wife and I were sharing a house with another couple) looked at me and said what the #@*&! is going on with you! I apologized but the farts just kept coming and the stench was like nothing I have ever smelled - ever!

Finally I went to my room with all the windows open to give my roomates some relief. My wife came home from work a couple hours later and instantly smelled it when she came inside the house. She knocked on our roomates door and they had locked themselves in with their windows open and a towel shoved under the crack of the door - and they wouldn't come out! They were even peeing in cooking pots because they refused to come out of their room!

My wife, god bless her, actually came to bed with me that night - and I'm not sure how.

Needless to say, there was a warning on my bag of onions the next morning.

To this day my friends and my wife love to tell this story to embarrass me and we never fail to nearly fall over laughing at the memory.

[jonas_24112]

If you want a recipe for really horrible smelling gas prior to a gig, I highly suggest Spinach Artichoke Dip w/ chips and some type of really dark micro-brew like a porter or a stout (Smuttynose tends to work wonders). I promise you, this fuel will produce an odor and limitless amounts of gas. Allow at least one hour for digestion prior to the gig.

[The Diaper Geni]

Here's one.

End of the night and packing up after a late (10-2am) bar gig. Stage is small and enclosed on three sides by glass and two walls. (Not too much air circulation, if you get my drift.) Drummer is tearing down and is saying how hungry he is and what he's going to eat when he gets home.

Wellllll....I feel a pretty good one bubblin' and rising to the surface. The inevitable happens and **P-FFFHHT!** I let a nice SBD out and watch and wait.

Sure enough, after about 15 seconds, the drummer stops packing up and looks around and starts to sniff the air. "Man!" he says. "Something smells good! Smells like they're cooking sumpin' back in the kitchen!! Iz'at garlic??!"

[BayStateBass]

Okay, not gig related, but one of my most embarrassing fart episodes.

When I was dating my wife we went to the local drive-in to catch a movie and do....well, drive-in type stuff. Before going over there we'd gotten Chinese food and that stuff always reacts poorly with my digestive system. Her and I are sitting in the car, nothing real serious, but I'm kinda nervous (we were both still teenagers at the time). Suddenly, the "bubbling down" starts and some strange rumbling noises are being generated by my very unhappy insides. As it gets worse and worse, I'm looking for a way to get myself out of this situation.....I mean, really, I didn't want to float an air biscuit in front of this lovely young lady that I'd really grown to like an awful lot. So I tell her that I'm going to get us a couple sodas and maybe some popcorn, and I get out of the car. Unfortunately, the walking just accelerates the need to relieve myself and the cramps are becoming more and more painful. So I stop walking.....and a plan just hits me. Turn around and wave to my girlfriend and point at the screen (looks like I'm enjoying the movie). The stopping gives me a chance to gently release the beast. So I'm standing next to another car...it's kinda dark, but I'm really only a short distance from my car as well. Now it's mid summer, so all the cars are parked with the windows down. Unfortunately, my controlled fart became uncontrollable quickly and was amazingly noisy and seemed to last forever. I did what I had to and continued on for the soda and popcorn. When I got back to the car, which was only a few minutes later, she's laughing uncontrollably and tells me that she knew I farted because she could hear it and saw me trying to mask it. If that wasn't funny enough, the car I was standing next to had a couple in it and my fart must have drifted into it because after I walked away a guy and girl got out of it swearing and coughing/gagging, and they walked away from their car.

And she still married me.

[Scogman]

Originally Posted by BayStateBass

...
And she still married me.

It's amazing what our loved ones put up with. I try not to in front of my loved one but if it does slip she just laughs like I told the funniest joke she's ever heard.

[iJazz]

What is it about musicians and farts?

When I was 20 and playing on the road, we were four guys in a two-door Impala. Needless to say, the miles were long. I don't know why, but you have never witnessed four humans fart as much or as badly as we managed to during the trip to the next gig, every single week. This went on for months. Damn, it was horrible. Not so much a problem onstage, but as soon as the car started out of town, the gas just started breezin'.

Then, in another band, Johnson the trombone player had to set his farts aflame at least once a night "for good luck" before we opened.

iJazz - Thankfully, the music didn't stink.

[rr5025]

Time to add some more of mine.

A few months ago I'm having a late night in the office (I'm a phd student so my office is next to a few classrooms). I have my door closed, the lights off and my desk lamp on (eg no light spilling under the door). Well I went to chipolte to snag some food and my stomach was killing me. I let one out that was one of those ones where it sounds like a board was broken. It had pretty nice duration too so it was pretty noticeable.

Well immediately I hear footsteps outside the door stop and a chick say "did you just hear a fart?" the friend says "yeah I thought that was you, where did that come from?"

Needless to say I was biting my arm and in tears.

Next time was also in my office, except this time I had the door open.

Well I feel the rumbling and decide the coast is clear to let one out. Unfortunately it is damn loud so it's noticeable. Also to my misfortune I hear foot steps coming.

Thinking fast I immediately lean back in my chair, forcing it to make a similar noise. As the guy is walking past I mutter damn noisy chair.

Once I am at a computer I will post my epic library tale.