The saga continues: the legendary 'Farting During a Show' Fart II Thread

[helly]

Woww... That's pretty awful dude.

My drummer has a technique we affectionately call the trumpet. We all fart, a lot, but this guy has [i]mastered[/] his anus, in ways indescribable with words.

The trumpet, is when he lets a decent fart, usually Taco Bell related, build up, then gets a hand back there and works it like a mute as it lets out. It's magnificent. We've yet to catch one on stage with the mic, but we keep trying to.

[BishopM05]

Originally Posted by buzzbass

I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.

I'm just glad I didn't take a drink before I read that...what a horrible story!

[Bochafish]

About ten years ago, walked into our practice space with two other members of my college band. As we were walking down the stairs to where we were set up, we noticed a pungent odor. We played in a circle during practice, drum kit, and 3 amps made the sides. In the middle of our circle, there was a single piece of lined paper with an enormous duece steaming on top of it. The three of us were saying stuff along the lines of, "holy cow, dude thats sick, omg," etc. I actually started gagging a little bit.

Then we hear a snickering from behind some stuff in the corner of the room. We go over there to check it out, and find our singer laughing his ass off. With tears in his eyes, he admits doing the awful deed. And then he walks over and uncovers a video camera.

Our singer crapped on a piece of paper in our practice space, and secretly taped it for laughes. We all chuckeled, but wondered what was wrong with him at the same time.

[Mike Shevlin]

check out my hobbies & interests

[rr5025]

Alright here are three of my best (all non gig related). First a little about me;

Mine are powerful - unholy, demonic, satanic powerful. They aren't molecules of gas they are living sentient entities, think about a massive mobile Army. They spread out lightning fast and subdue any opposition (the ability to smell any normal air). Now after a night of drinking they are multiplied by a factor of about 10^3. With that being said story time;

First Story

I was around 7 or 8 and we had just got a big snow. I begged my parents for a new sled (my old one was destroyed after an incident with a tree and a fake deer). Everyone at school had the new cool circle sleds so of course I too needed one. My dad was on call that night and had to work so the duty of taking me to Dunham's fell on my mothers shoulders (if she knew what lay in store for her she would have never left the house).

We go to the store and I find the sled I want right away. We are waiting in line and behind us is a guy my dad knows and who also happens to be our neighbor. My neighbor and my mom start exchanging pleasantries and something in the baseball section catches my attention, being a typical little kid I bolt off after it. Problem is seconds before I run off I let out a silent warrior, I can just watch as this ninja like fart rears back and kicks my neighbor right in the face.

His face contorts into that classic pose when someone detects a funny smell. His eyes immediately narrow in suspicion as he gazes at my mom. I run back over beaming and I hear him cough and murmurer "forgot something....far away from here." By now my mom realized what I did, I get the typical did-you-just-do-what-I-think-you-did? look.

The whole ride home I get berated by my mom and when my dad comes home my mom tells him the story. Needless to say there was a gleam of pride in his eyes.

Funniest thing? It's been over ten years since this happened and my neighbor still looks at my mom with disgust, she will always be known as the fart woman to him.

Second Story (somewhat embarrassing I suppose)

In a similar vein to the other virginity story mine takes place on the night mine went away. I met her at a party so I was drunk (not terribly but I was in a good place).

We go back to my apartment and needless to say entertain ourselves, my energy was explosive. We maybe got an hour of sleep. Now I had had GF's sleep over before so I wasn't a stranger to sleeping with someone but I had never pretty much been awake the whole time she was there. Combine being drunk with no sleep and I ended up hung over (see note at beginning). She left around 11 AM (I had met her about 12 AM). The almost 12 hours of holding it in was turning my stomach into a ticking bomb. I went into the bathroom for the stereotypical post-sex-piss and that's when it tore out with the force of the hydrogen bombs.

I have never had a fart this loud in my life, the acoustics in the bathroom were superb. When it exploded forth it seriously sounded like someone breaking a massive wooden post, there was a huge crack and an extended ripping noise. The acoustics amplified the sound and my roommates wall was shared with the bathroom (4" interior wall) it carried through and woke him up. The smell also shut down the bathroom for an hour or so.

Third Story

This is my pinnacle.

Freshman year, a quiet Sunday afternoon, I am as you guessed it hung over. My roommate (who annoyed the hell out of me) and I are at our desks and I let one go.

It was magnificent.

Immedately he began sniffing and here is the dialogue; (I'm bold)

*sniff sniff* "dude do you" *sniff* "smell that?"
"no dude what the **** are you talking about"
"it smells" *sniff* "like eggs" *retch* "and old cheese"
*I lose my composure*
"you bastard!" *sniff, cough, retch* "what the hell did you eat"
"nothing dude just beer"
"oh my god" *sniff retch cough* "this is terrible" *retch* "I can't" *retch* "I think" *retch* "I'm gonna be sick" *retches brigns hands up to mouth* "need air" *runs out of the room*

I am hysterics, tears are streaming down my face. I stick my head out the door and watch him run into the bathroom. Now the dorm hallways carry sound well and the bathroom door was wide open that day as fate would have it.

My ears are treated to the sound of retching and coughing and then the tell tale vomit splash.

I will pass this story down to my sons, and hope they have one this powerful one day.....

[Jack]

Originally Posted by helly

Woww... That's pretty awful dude.

My drummer has a technique we affectionately call the trumpet. We all fart, a lot, but this guy has [i]mastered[/] his anus, in ways indescribable with words.

The trumpet, is when he lets a decent fart, usually Taco Bell related, build up, then gets a hand back there and works it like a mute as it lets out. It's magnificent. We've yet to catch one on stage with the mic, but we keep trying to.

I laughed so hard at that first paragraph that my parents came upstairs to check on me! God knows what they thought I was doing.

[Kareir]

Originally Posted by rr5025

I was around 7 or 8 and we had just got a big snow. I begged my parents for a new sled (my old one was destroyed after an incident with a tree and a fake deer). .

now THAT sounds like a story


_Kar

[rr5025]

Unfortunately the crash was not caused by methane propulsion so its not appropriate for this thread!

[ironrat]

Originally Posted by rr5025

Unfortunately the crash was not caused by methane propulsion so its not appropriate for this thread!

I WANT to read it anyway

[guitar ed]

Instagator, That is a very funny story. Brought tears to my eyes. Good tears.

****
10 mins. after entering the above.

I am reading through the thread, laughing like all get out. My wife comes in & asks what I am laughing at. I say guess. She says porn, the kind with nekkid girls. I said no, fart jokes & stories. She says "I would be happier if it were porn."

I have a good wife. She knows what's important in life.

edg

[Happynoj]

Originally Posted by buzzbass

This came from a member of a car forum I frequently visit, and while not really about farting, still made me laugh....enjoy.

Quote:
When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready...

I have tears streaming down my face. I reached about half way through, and then struggled to read the rest because I was crying so much. Well done.

[Happynoj]

Originally Posted by Happynoj

I have tears streaming down my face. I reached about half way through, and then struggled to read the rest because I was crying so much. Well done.

I just read this story again. And I'm crying again...

[ErebusBass]

Just a bump for the greatest thread ever.

[Fassa Albrecht]

Remind me never to sit it on drums for any of you guys...you're all disgusting.

[bassman314]

Originally Posted by Fassa Albrecht

Remind me never to sit it on drums for any of you guys...you're all disgusting.

yes... yes we are....

we most certainly are...

you love it...

[rr5025]

Had one today, a beautiful specimen. I was in an alley between two 2-3 story buildings. Very nice acoustics, as a plus when I turned the corner I realized there was crop dusting potential as I spied a victim approaching my personal smoke screen. Alas I will never know if it hit him, because I was in a hurry and couldn't hang back to see the results.

[Fassa Albrecht]

Originally Posted by bassman314

yes... yes we are....

we most certainly are...

you love it...

I'd still prefer not to hit the studio with any of you guys...I'd get bombed during my fills knowing my luck.

Originally Posted by rr5025

Had one today, a beautiful specimen. I was in an alley between two 2-3 story buildings. Very nice acoustics, as a plus when I turned the corner I realized there was crop dusting potential as I spied a victim approaching my personal smoke screen. Alas I will never know if it hit him, because I was in a hurry and couldn't hang back to see the results.

Win!

[RicPlaya]

One time in college when I was into working out and drinking those protien shakes. Now protien shakes have come a long way in 15 years. Back then you drank protien, you would clear any room and your bowl movements were like buckshot. Anyway President Clinton was at the university giving a speach one day. I was on my way to work out and just injested this protien drink. All of a sudden I see Wolf Blitzer from CNN walking down the hall toward me, at the same time I feel this pressure and gurgling build up in my intestines. Well I layed a steady steamy 30 second nose hair roaster. Kind of stopped walking for a second to break it off from following me then proceeded on my way walking past Wolf Blitzer. Needless to say I heard Mr. Blitzer exclaim to his friend he was walking with.."wow it sure reaks down here". He friend was fanning the stench from in his nose and looking back at me. Well there you have it folks my brush with fame, farting and crop dusting Wolf Blitzer.

[bassman314]

Originally Posted by RicPlaya

One time in college when I was into working out and drinking those protien shakes. Now protien shakes have come a long way in 15 years. Back then you drank protien, you would clear any room and your bowl movements were like buckshot. Anyway President Clinton was at the university giving a speach one day. I was on my way to work out and just injested this protien drink. All of a sudden I see Wolf Blitzer from CNN walking down the hall toward me, at the same time I feel this pressure and gurgling build up in my intestines. Well I layed a steady steamy 30 second nose hair roaster. Kind of stopped walking for a second to break it off from following me then proceeded on my way walking past Wolf Blitzer. Needless to say I heard Mr. Blitzer exclaim to his friend he was walking with.."wow it sure reaks down here". He friend was fanning the stench from in his nose and looking back at me. Well there you have it folks my brush with fame, farting and crop dusting Wolf Blitzer.

Winner... and stilll champion...

[kobass]

Originally Posted by RicPlaya

Kind of stopped walking for a second to break it off from following me then proceeded on my way

Awesome technique, man!