So, I'm a little pissed (Quitting the band that I put together)

[MatticusMania]

Ok, I'll try not to be too long winded about this, but I am just not a happy camper. First, some backstory:

September 2008 - I get an idea for a band I want to put together. A trippy/psychedelic band, entirely based on improv, as in everything we play will be made up on the spot. I tell the idea to a drummer friend of mine who is completely on board.

Fast forward to Mid November - First gig opportunity comes up, drummer & I agree with the intention of inviting a few other people along, it is improv after all, and we know the players abilities. Show goes well. We managed to bring in a guitarist/bassist, a keys/synth player, and a guitarist/synth/thermin player, along with the drummer, and myself on bass/synth/vocals.

We continue to jam. Book a show in early Dec. Goes well. I find us a rehearsal space for cheap and basically take on all the managing duties. Booking shows, setting things up for recording etc. We do a recording session in early Jan. Goes... alright. No biggie, we got 8 good tracks out of a 5 hour $100 session. Band begins to talk about doing a cover and doing some of the songs from the recording, which I dont want to do. 4 to 1 vote and I concede. Next show in late Jan. Goes well, at least i think so, apparently not everyone else. Next show after that was Feb. 21st. Booked last minute with about 5 hours notice. Goes well, at least I thought so. Turns out not everyone else did, especially the drummer, who I found out after playing, was on meth. The next day, while coming down at my girlfriends house, he says the band doesnt think I sing well enough (I know Im not great, but I am miles ahead of the rest of the band). Though, taking ito account the state he was in, and the fact that no one else in the band has said anything, I chock it up to the ramblings of a man on speed.

Ok, so last night, another last minute gig with only a few days notice. RIGHT BEFORE we were to go on, after having set everything up, the band huddles for a band meeting? Seriously, w t f? Keys player says we should try something different tonite, lets play instrumentals he says. I state my case, it'll be boring, and Im not on board. Well lets try it this gig he says. Whatever. We do the show, no vocals, and as I expected, nothing else was done differently. So I have to ask myself, where is all this talk coming from, who's talking to who, and why arent these "ideas" people have being shared. And youre going to spring this crap on me mere minutes before we take stage? I dont care. Im done.

Our #1 rule for this band was to not take ourselves too seriously. I told them during this pre-stage meeting that they are Indeed taking things too seriously. Their response was that things are getting more serious, and all I could say was that we had gotten this far by doing exactly what we've been doing, let alone the fact that it was I who had taken action to make all of these advances, booking our higher priority gigs, and running the whole band. So thats it, Im done with them now. If they cant be open enough and bring any problems they may have with me or something to the forefront, and rather talk behind my back about these changes the band wants to make without including me, I really dont want to play with them.

/vent. thanks for listening.

[PBass101]

There are three things that will ruin any band: drug use, backbiting, and keyboard players.

Sorry you had to experience all of them at once. Just keep on truckin' and try to find new bandmates.

[MikeBass]

#1- Fire the drummer. Now.
Where there's drugs, there's trouble.

#2, fire the whole band and start over.
You started it correct? Did you "name" it as well?
And you have the contacts.

#3 Fire the drummer.

[MatticusMania]

Yeah, I havent told them yet, but I pretty much made my decision right before we took stage that I was done. Im just bummed as the whole venture was my effort and I hate to give up and see things fall to pieces. Everyone in the band is a good friend of mine too, so it makes it sting just that much more. You wouldnt believe how many times I wanted to walk out on the band in the middle of the set, but I trucked on through it and I wouldnt do that to friends, I mean aside from being p/o'd I really have no animosity towards any of them. But the main thing here, aside from the backbiting, the drug use, and the keys player (one of my best friends in the world) the band is just no longer aimed in the direction I want to be going in. I took friends on board with one vision, and have lost control, allowing it to change into their collective vision, me being excluded.

[slipkyes]

Totally get your point man, sorry about that, sounds like you had a pretty good band up your sleeve. Sometimes people change a lot when the thing starts to rise

[PBass101]

It's one thing if they came forward to you and wanted to discuss the band's sound/direction, and maybe it would have been prudent for you to make some compromise to keep everybody happy. The fact that there is obviously something going on that they don't want you to be privvy to gives you every right to be upset, and if they ask why you're taking an exit from the project, you ought to explain to them exactly what you feel happened.

[JSK5String]

If these guys truly are your friends, then your number one priority should not be the state of the band, it should be state of your friend, the drummer, who's doing meth. NOTHING good comes from meth. Do what you have to do to get him away from that shat NOW, then deal with the problems in the band.

[fender_funk_man]

fire the drummer, keep what you like and start over. Drugs are bad mmmmmkay

[JohNLA]

You're band, so it is your way or the highway.

[heavyfunkmachin]

ok, i´mgoing to give you my point of view, please, dont trown me to the sharks....

let´s part based on the hypothesis that you´ve allready left the band, you´re free.... so if we part from this tabula rasa... try to clean you mind as well, start over... and consider this:

would you want to be in a band with your friends? besides ego and who did who... things HAVE changed, thats a fact. so, imagine that they were inviting you to be part of this band, whatever idea is beyond it... would you like to join them?

just try to have fun, dont try to judge things to soon or too seriusly... think about it withouth prejuices... if you still dont have a good time, ok, goodbye and good luck to everybody...

im just saying you could look at it from another point of view...

by the way, did the meth drummer actually played ok? i mean... drug-free phsycodelic band? myabe theres trouble ahead, but hey, have fun while it lasts... maybe somepeople will ditch me but theres a whole spectrum from drug user to drug abuser...


i guess i´m going to be lapidated to death now

[xgator4u]

Originally Posted by MatticusMania

I took friends on board with one vision, and have lost control, allowing it to change into their collective vision, me being excluded.

Is this a band?=Democracy Or are these employees/hired guns, that are working FOR you?=Dictatorship There is a difference

[Projectile]

I don't think meth is something to screw around with and that alone is enough of a reason to leave a band.

On the other hand, it sounds like they just don't like your singing or maybe your lyrics. They probably just don't know how to tell you and they are afraid of hurting your feelings so they beet around they bush, do things behind your back, and generally act like dick heads. They probably wouldn't act that way, but they just don't have the courage to tell you to your face. Since they are not willing to communicate, I would suggests confronting them about it in the most peaceful way possible. Just tell them that you know they have an issue with your vocals and that you want to get it out in the open to clear the air. It's one thing to not take yourself too seriously, and another to have to cringe every time you get up on stage because you can't stand someone's singing. Sounds like your band is in need of some better communication. Since nobody else in the band is willing to say anything it would fall on you to be the man and bring the conflict to the forefront. Maybe you should have a serious talk and find out where everyone is at, and where they really feel they want to see the band go before you decide you just can't work together and break things up. I'd hate to see a bunch of good friends and musicians break up a band just because of a lack of communication.

But, like I said, the meth alone is enough of a reason to fire the drummer. So, if you've had enough, that's understandable.

[Bass_masta16]

Originally Posted by MikeBass

#1- Fire the drummer. Now.
Where there's drugs, there's trouble.

#2, fire the whole band and start over.
You started it correct? Did you "name" it as well?
And you have the contacts.

#3 Fire the drummer.

#4 Fire the keyboard player

#5 Fire the drummer

#6 Find a replacement for the drummer

#7 Don't get a new keyboard player

[Projectile]

Originally Posted by xgator4u

Is this a band?=Democracy Or are these employees/hired guns, that are working FOR you?=Dictatorship There is a difference

I agree. It sounds like they may not know how to deal with your controlling tendencies. Other people like to have their voices heard too you know. If you never give them an opportunity to express their desires, then they are going to feel more comfortable doing it behind your back with the other band members. They may not be excluding you, rather, you may be excluding yourself by being too rigid. Seems like you may need to take a look at yourself. It doesn't mean you are wrong about anything, and it doesn't meant that your anger isn't justified. It's just that sometimes being right isn't what matters.

EDIT: I just read the OP again and the more I look at it the more clear the situation becomes. Aside from the drummer, who's drug problem needs to be dealt with, here is how I see the issue...

The band probably loves you as a bassist and musician. I'm sure they respect your ideas and enjoy working with you as a musician or the band wouldn't have gotten as far as it has in the first place. Here's where the problem starts. The band can't stand your singing. They want you to stop because they cringe every time you open your mouth on stage. They don't know how to tell you because it's obviously something you enjoy doing, and they probably see you as the band leader. So, they beat around the bush and just keep quiet, all the while the problem is festering and their discontent comes out in other ways.

Finally, the drummer in his drug induced state musters up enough courage to tell you that the band hates your singing and wants you to stop. This probably took him forever to get out, and he saw it as very significant and important that he finally told you about the problem everyone has with your vocals. Your reaction: You blow it off because you assume it's just meth talk. This is completely justified on your part, but you have to realize where the rest of the band is coming from. The drummer probably then told the band. "I finally told him about the vocals, but he just blew it off!" So, the keyboard player, thinking that it is impossible to get through to you, tries fix the situation by suggesting thay you "try something different tonight". Which just means they are too afraid to tell you to your face how they really feel, which is probably "We love Matticus, but we don't know how to tell him to stop ****ing singing!"

You have to ask yourself why they are afraid of telling you directly. Are they afraid of hurting your feelings? Are they afraid you will just shoot them down and tell them they are wrong? Are they afraid of you because you are playing a controlling 'leader' role? Whatever it is, people usually only act like that when it is their last resort and they don't feel like they have a voice anymore, so they do things behind your back. You may have inspired the original 'vision' of the band, but you have to realize that unless these guys are hired help they deserve to have an input too. If you can't deal with that, and it has to be your way or the highway then maybe you do need to find someone else to play with. They probably don't want to leave you out, but if you are being so rigid that they don't feel like they can communicate with you, then they are going to start operating like you are an outsider. It's just human nature.

It's obvious that they hurt your feelings. You have every right to be angry. It sucks to feel unappreciated for all your efforts. You put more work into this band than anyone else, and you feel you deserve some credit. Instead you get excluded, and that hurts man. I bet you would love it if the band would just say, "Thanks for all of your hard work and ideas Matticus, and thanks for getting us together and taking this band so far" You deserve that much, everyone does, but unfortunately that's not reality. The reality is that everyone is worried about their own feeling more than your own, and if they are feeling like they have no voice then they will never give you the respect you deserve.

You say that you have a rule that the band isn't supposed to take itself seriously, but when has that ever worked? Once you start playing lots of gigs and recording and devoting a portion of you life to something, human emotions always get involved and then it becomes serious business. How many times have you gotten in a relationship with a woman with the understanding that it's "not supposed to be anything serious," and how did that turn out? Bands are the same way. If you're really not taking things that seriously yourself, then it shouldn't be that difficult to not sing if the rest of the band doesn't like it.

I hope you don't take any of this personally. You sound like a really respectable guy, and someone I would personally enjoy working with. This isn't meant as any sort of criticism. I'm just trying to shed some light on the emotions going on behind everything and the reasons for people acting the way they are. Hope it helps you on your journey.

[MatticusMania]

Thanks for your thoughts and input guys.

To answer some questions... yeah, the band has run as a democracy, it isnt MY band, but the band that I brought together with a certain, agreed upon direction that has been shifting away from what I want to do. And Ive aired this grievance with them. When the band decided they wanted to do some cover songs, even though I made it known thats not what I wanted to do, I conceded and we went ahead and did an awesome cover of White Rabbit. When the band decided they wanted to play some of the songs that we recorded, even though I didnt, I stated my opposition to the idea, yet still went along with it. I wouldnt say that Ive been controlling, in fact, Ive probably been the least controlling member of the band. What it looks like to me, is that now everyone has these different ideas of where they want the band to go, and they dont fall in line with what I originally brought the band together for.

I played the show last night, no vocals (as it seems thats their latest frustration), and I really didnt enjoy a single minute of it. Rather, it seemed, they wanted to replace the vocals with a lot of guitar wankery. I wasnt digging it. If they didnt like my vocals that would have been one thing, but it was never brought up as an issue, until 5 minutes before stage time, and in such a passive/aggressive manner.

I did try to look at it from another perspective, as heavyfunkmachin suggested, and had this been an already established band who asked me to play for them I would have declined, because at this point in time this isnt the kind of band I want to be in.

Sure, you could say I need to compromise, but I already feel like Ive compromised too much, without really having a choice. My voice in the band has become moot against the decision that the guitarist/drummer/keys player trifecta, and Ive had to deal with it. No more.

[funkybass4ever]

Originally Posted by MikeBass

#1- Fire the drummer. Now.
Where there's drugs, there's trouble.

#2, fire the whole band and start over.
You started it correct? Did you "name" it as well?
And you have the contacts.

#3 Fire the drummer.

Definitely # 2 suggestion, you created the band it is your vision you fire them

[MatticusMania]

As for the drug thing... yes, my friend needs some help, and since he is my friend I do intend on trying to do what I can for him, however, in order for anything I say to be of any use he has to realize that it is a problem. I know he doesnt use regularly, he has in the past (his whole family has), and aside from talking to him about it there isnt much I can do. I didnt give him a hard time about being high at the show, though I should have, and I dont know if the rest of the band knows about it at all, but I will be bringing the issue up when I announce to the band that Im leaving.

[fretlessman71]

1) Deal with the drummer's meth use, first and foremost. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200, deal DIRECTLY with that issue.

2) Wish them well and start over with a new group. I'm sure you'll find people who want to do what you have in mind, instead of grabbing the first gig that comes along and then changing it to suit their tastes.

3) In the meantime, consider getting some vocal lessons if that's what you want to do, if only to minimize the possibility that this scenario could happen again with your next venture.

[MatticusMania]

Originally Posted by funkybass4ever

Definitely # 2 suggestion, you created the band it is your vision you fire them

Rather than fire the whole band I intend to tell them I am resigning. They can keep all that Ive done for them thus far... the rehearsal studio, the recordings, the gigs/contacts, etc. It'll be up to them to keep up the momentum Ive started. As far as upcoming shows goes, Im out, and am not considering playing the 4 gigs I have lined up.

[jellew]

man serious discussion. It suck's that you must quit a band full of friends, I fired my coussin from a band once wasn't fun at all but after a few weeks of silence we pulled through it. And it seems that you don't have mutch of a choice so just go and quit that band!