Translations for Craigslist

[Incognitus]

I wish I could take credit for this but I can't so I can bring a smile to your day and hope for the craigslist illiterate.




This quick translation sheet should help those trying to decipher the true meaning behind most craigslist musician postings.

e.g. = example of a post.
(parenthesis) = The translation.

Jam - e.g. I'm looking for some people to jam with on the weekends. - (You don't have originals and don't know many covers all the way through, or even very well.)

Punk - e.g. I'm in a punk band. - (I only know 3-4 chords)

Hardcore - e.g. Hardcore band seeks screamo vocals. - (We're all under 18.)

Waaaah - e.g. Bars won't hire our band, waaaah. - (We're all capable musicians that are too lazy to promote ourselves or plan our own shows, yet seem to have plenty of time to whine in posts on craigslist)

Oldschool - e.g. Oldschool guitarist looking for... - (Fat, old and while balding on top, still supporting the long hair in back - aka the Skullet)

Auditioning - e.g. We're auditioning drummers. - (Hi, we have egos and unless you also have an ego about your own lack of success, you need not apply.)

No interwebs - e.g. I don't check e-mail, so call this number - (I'm too broke to afford a computer, internet connection, new guitar strings, decent equipment, or even my own beer at the bar/practice).

Misspellings - e.g. We need a guitatist who knows lots of cords. - (Obviously posted by a drummer.)

Weekend Open Mic - e.g. Come down to _____ cafe and sing for your supper! - (Bar/Restaurant owner is too damn cheap to pay for real talent and instead subjects the crowd to the uncoordinated fumblings of the inexperienced musician, which means less repeat business and hence less money the following weekend. It's a vicious cycle.)

Weekday Open Mic - e.g. Come down to _____ cafe and sing for your supper! - (Bar/Restaurant owner is still too damn cheap to pay for real talent, but kinda cool for giving the newbies a forum to get started and network.)

Christian/Gospel - e.g. Christian rock enthusiast seeks other likeminded musicians. - (I believe the "theory of evolution" is still just a "theory" and if you don't, then I don't want to rock with you.)

Black/Doom/Sludge - e.g. Not into that girly Pantera and Slipknot crap, looking for musicians into Black, Doom, etc. - (I think that by liking Satanic music or that by proclaiming that Pantera is soft, it makes me somehow more masculine. I like to cut the sleeves off of my black t-shirts to show my "guns" even though the only curls I do involve 12 ouncers.)

Outside of Anchorage - e.g. Progressive rock guitarist seeks drummer, vocals, bass and keys for band based in Seward. - (Seriously? If you get a ___ band worth watching in Seward, Talkeetna, Cordova, etc let us know. I'll make the road trip. Chances are it's time to move to a bigger town.)

New to Anchorage - e.g. I just moved up to Anchorage from _______ where I played in ______ band for years. Looking to get something similar set up here. - (Sorry, you'll have to navigate through the types of posts made above. Hopefully this quick translation list helps you out.)

Save the hatemail and learn to laugh at yourself... everybody else does.

[The_Basstard]

Wonderful Wonderful! Sure did bring a smile to my face!!! Thank you!

[gnome_hunter]

rofl. thats a good one.

[Ramstien]

"(I think that by liking Satanic music...)"

Black, doom and sludge aren't Satanic. Immortal, one of the biggest black metal bands, lyrics' are just about how damn cold it is. Mastodon, which is sludge, are mostly about whales.

[DaveF]

LOL! Can I add a few?

Translations for Buying Gear:

"Vintage" - $550 for an old vantage P-Bass copy that cost $50 in 1981.

"Firm on Price" - "I've tried repeatedly listing it for $10 below the price of a new one for the last six months and I'm getting angry"

"Great Sound / Plays Real Good" - Usually describes a cheap knockoff bass for sale in the "less fancy" areas of town

"Moving overseas, must sell" - Stolen.

"If you're looking at this, you know how legendary this is" - Usually found describing a "Gonx T354 NX Synth Amp Deck" or some other equally weird thing that elitists care about.

"Will email pics if requested" - What, you were so busy you couldn't even upload one measly little picture? How do expect to sell it?

"Call after 6pm but no later than 6:15pm" - You need to get a cell phone.

"--------------L@@@KKK----#########BEST DEAL EVAR" - More like most eye damage ever.

[WookieeForLife]

Lmao.

[RDUB]

Great stuff guys...

[Rattman]

I really LIKE this thread... I'm glad other folks are also picking up on the less-than-honest ads that frequent craigslist . . . because man, there are tons and tons of half-truths, whoopers, and flat out LIES posted there daily.

[dj150888]

Originally Posted by Ramstien

"(I think that by liking Satanic music...)"

Black, doom and sludge aren't Satanic. Immortal, one of the biggest black metal bands, lyrics' are just about how damn cold it is. Mastodon, which is sludge, are mostly about whales.

You're taking it a bit too seriously mate.

I love black metal....but lets be fair, some people take it way too seriously. The original post is a parody, meant to be taking in a light hearted manner. Not intensely analysed for a few flaws.

[Jehos]

Another one from the for-sale ads:

"blah blah blah Jazz Bass blah blah" - Not a Fender Jazz

[lousybassplayer]

Damn, that nailed craigslist.

Yeah its big jump from minke whales to the prince of darkness. I have to say leave poor mastadon alone.

[professor_bills]

While whales are dark they are not generally black
Except Killer whales the evilest of all whales which really aren't whales at all and in fact are members of the dolphin family and lets face it they reallya ren't "evil" per se' just meat eaters that tend to like other marine mammals. So they don't seem as cute as bottle nose dolphins thate at fish......which is really just a twisted way we humans look at life in general
But I digress