Trials of a Mid-life Crisis Bass Player...

[Phinn]

I'm 44, feel like I'm 16 most of the time. I started playing bass when I was 13, but took a long time off to play piano, finish school, get married and start a family.

Now that my son is 9 years old, he's able to take care of himself without constant supervision, so I now get about 3-4 hours per week of time for myself, which I try to fill with bass practice (and a bass-building project, which is about 75% complete).

I have learned more from TalkBass and various Internet teachers in the last 12 months than I did in all my years of noodling around on my own in the pre-Internet era combined. I've even been asked to join a band (other middle-aged guys), and they have a standing invitation to gig, so I'll take the plunge when I feel I'm ready. I figure I need 3-4 more weeks of practice, so as not to completely humiliate myself.

[cvsurg]

I'm 54, have a job that can be up to 60 hours a week, two teenage daughters and a loving, understanding wife. I re-connected with the bass two years ago after a 30-year lay-off, and now play in a praise band, a cover band and the occasional jazz trio. Lucky for me, my wife understands my need for a passion in my life (besides her, of course), and is good with it all.

So, OP, how'd the weekend go?

[Count Bassie]

51 here. Two kiddies, early teens; several part-time/freelance carpentry gigs and a couple cover bands, a festival band that's trying to get booked up for the year. I never stopped, though there have been bumps in the road concerning doing things differently.

You guys who laid-off for a while are better men than me- I couldn't do it! I become depressed and ramp into ornery. But my kids are musical as well, and they like the punk project here at the house once a week. I say you gotta keep yourself happy, have a personal vision for your life. Me, I had to actively pursue on some level while I did the family-man thing. I'm still here, everyone is healthy, and I think we're going to make it...

Anyway, nice to see you came back. They always come back...

[Mulebagger]

Two kids, two jobs, and two bands.

I look at it this way. When I go to my jobs I love my jobs. When I spend time with my kids, I focus on them and not anything else. Music is my healer. So when I put on my bass and play a note, I'm transported to a place of peace. It all is really hard at times, but I found the best solution for me was to fully appreciate what I was doing in the moment, because otherwise I'll never find happiness, no matter where I look.

[Count Bassie]

Originally Posted by Mulebagger

Two kids, two jobs, and two bands.

I look at it this way. When I go to my jobs I love my jobs. When I spend time with my kids, I focus on them and not anything else. Music is my healer. So when I put on my bass and play a note, I'm transported to a place of peace. It all is really hard at times, but I found the best solution for me was to fully appreciate what I was doing in the moment, because otherwise I'll never find happiness, no matter where I look.

That right there is where it's at. accept what you are doing... come from center. Work... get where you want to go. Peace is in the process.

[shadven]

Originally Posted by Mulebagger

Two kids, two jobs, and two bands.

I look at it this way. When I go to my jobs I love my jobs. When I spend time with my kids, I focus on them and not anything else. Music is my healer. So when I put on my bass and play a note, I'm transported to a place of peace. It all is really hard at times, but I found the best solution for me was to fully appreciate what I was doing in the moment, because otherwise I'll never find happiness, no matter where I look.

+1

[qervo]

Going to be 40 this year, been playing every weekend since 13 . seven years ago my kids were born and I stopped playing music for the first time in my life. We moved to an area where the music scene was dead so Ive been playing Mr. mom for the past 7 years. We just moved to a new area where there is a possibility of playing again. I've hot an audition set up later this week. Over the past 7 years I've struggled with depression , questioned my life goals, and wondered if I've been fooling myself believing I'm a real musician. I've tried the 9 to 5 corporate route for 3 years and was miserable, I tried odd jobs and was miserable. The only time I'm truly free and happy is when I'm playing. But trying to bring home 100 buck or so a gig makes me question my role as a family provider. I've always admired my friends who somehow support their family's playing music, and I know it's possible, but I'm torn between being broke and happy, or miserable and making more money. Really I've been playing music for soo much of my life I feel like I really don't know what else to do.

[Texan]

I'm 38, married, two girls, 10 and 7, and a 4 year old boy. I know that the gods hate me because my daughters are beautiful and just have "that" personality that all guys love. My boy is fearless and at 4 years old has a physique that I envy. Seriously, this kid is cut! The kids always wake up early when I gig and we end up getting donuts or making pancakes while Mom sleeps late (she stays home with the kids, i.e. the more stressful job IMHO).

Having a cheap wife in this economy, or any economy is a great thing. Be grateful for her.

To me, this time of life reminds me of the movie Parenthood. The more like Steve Martin's character that we can be, the better off...I dread my kids growing up. Holding them is the best thing in life.

[Count Bassie]

Originally Posted by qervo

Going to be 40 this year, been playing every weekend since 13 . seven years ago my kids were born and I stopped playing music for the first time in my life. We moved to an area where the music scene was dead so Ive been playing Mr. mom for the past 7 years. We just moved to a new area where there is a possibility of playing again. I've hot an audition set up later this week. Over the past 7 years I've struggled with depression , questioned my life goals, and wondered if I've been fooling myself believing I'm a real musician. I've tried the 9 to 5 corporate route for 3 years and was miserable, I tried odd jobs and was miserable. The only time I'm truly free and happy is when I'm playing. But trying to bring home 100 buck or so a gig makes me question my role as a family provider. I've always admired my friends who somehow support their family's playing music, and I know it's possible, but I'm torn between being broke and happy, or miserable and making more money. Really I've been playing music for soo much of my life I feel like I really don't know what else to do.

I could get into a diatribe about the way our society acquiesces to live and the whole economic morass we live under. I won't. I'll just say that I totally get where you're coming from. Do not question yourself- you didn't have this trouble until you locked yourself willingly into 'the box'... you're going to have to get creative to make your life into a shape that you can deal with emotionally, etc.

Play music- you don't have to make a living at it, but playing it in some satisfying context will save your sanity. Form a basement band! Do your own recordings and burn a CD, send it to someone!

Making money at music has its distinct and sure down-side, but Eric Dolphy, Charlie Mingus and many others have done it, and still ended up doing music that they valued. Now I've gone off-topic, but... I have to.

[Count Bassie]

Lot of good attitudes here.

[basswave]

Originally Posted by Count Bassie

Lot of good attitudes here.

Including yours brother...I hope to see you at the next gathering.

I'm in the music for money trap...But I have irons in a few fires and make a point to do as much with my girls as possible...Like most of the folks here you become a master or at least really good at time management.

Cheers All

[qervo]

Thanks, I totally agree that keeping music in my life will keep me sane. I've noticed my attitude perk up just from the thought of an audition. It's just that now I have two kids 7 and 5, who both show signs of musical talent, and times are tough financially . My wife has been the breadwinner while I've been Mr. mom the last 3 years. Now that we need more money she is looking at me like " it's time for you to work" . The only job I've known is bass playing, it carried me solely up until 7 years ago, so naturally I say " well I gotta start playing again" but I get the eye like "get a real job" . I say if I'm working 9-5 I'm just gonna be a miserable depressed drinking bastard resenting my life. Im not making excuses about working a day job, i know myself well and ive always been in left field , always a free spirit and free thinker, im a dreamer, and ive never been motivated to be a suit and tie guy. If I'm playing music I know I'll be happy but financially we won't be much better off. I'm sorry to rant on about this but sometimes it feels like the people around me will never understand what it's like to express oneself through an instrument . It's a drug that feeds my soul.

[Count Bassie]

Originally Posted by basswave

Including yours brother...I hope to see you at the next gathering.

I'm in the music for money trap...But I have irons in a few fires and make a point to do as much with my girls as possible...Like most of the folks here you become a master or at least really good at time management.

Cheers All

Thanks Tony, always nice to see you making the rounds! Me, less of it, but I'll work on this year's gtg...

Originally Posted by qervo

Thanks, I totally agree that keeping music in my life will keep me sane. I've noticed my attitude perk up just from the thought of an audition. It's just that now I have two kids 7 and 5, who both show signs of musical talent, and times are tough financially . My wife has been the breadwinner while I've been Mr. mom the last 3 years. Now that we need more money she is looking at me like " it's time for you to work" . The only job I've known is bass playing, it carried me solely up until 7 years ago, so naturally I say " well I gotta start playing again" but I get the eye like "get a real job" . I say if I'm working 9-5 I'm just gonna be a miserable depressed drinking bastard resenting my life. Im not making excuses about working a day job, i know myself well and ive always been in left field , always a free spirit and free thinker, im a dreamer, and ive never been motivated to be a suit and tie guy. If I'm playing music I know I'll be happy but financially we won't be much better off. I'm sorry to rant on about this but sometimes it feels like the people around me will never understand what it's like to express oneself through an instrument . It's a drug that feeds my soul.

gervo, I do carpentry gigs because it's essentially creative. I'm at a point now where I can do much of my own time-keeping, but it's hard because I'm a lousy business man! But even starting out you get to use your head and hands together, and although you're still doing someone's bidding, there is a certain aspect of it that are your own terms.

You don't have to wear a suit to earn a dollar. You can be more a part of what I call 'real life' and still do ok. If you don't need to earn high 6-figures to start, you can use a little muscle, get your mind involved and learn some skills. 44 is a fine age to get on a siding crew, for example... if you're fairly healthy, you'll get in shape pretty fast.

Just an example. It's doesn't have to completely suck. It still sucks a little (maybe more), but you can make it your own in a way. I will never wear a suit to work. Can't do the corporate thing at all.

[shadven]

Your first responsibility is to your family. Get a job and don't be "woe is me, I can't do the 9 - 5 thing, I'd be miserable". Tough sh*t. Sounds like a major cop out. Life aint easy. If you aren't talented enough, resourceful enough, presentable enough, lucky enough to earn a decent living playing bass, you sure as hell ought to be working to support your family.

[RWBASSIST]

I'm right there with you too. I'm almost 40 with 2 kids - ages 4 and 1. I was in a band playing Thursday - Sunday, still having to be at work on Friday and Monday mornings at 8, and all I would do was sleep all weekend. Once my wife got pregnant, I knew I couldn' keep up that schedule, so I quit and haven't playd a gig in 4 years. I've been talking to an old singer of mine about doing another band, but honestly I don't even know if I can do the 10 to 2 bar gigs anymore.

[qervo]

I quit gigging regularly when I moved from my hometown to my wife's hometown. The scene was dead so I did the suit and tie 9-5 job for three years and it was a soulless day in day out thing . I probably will never do that again. But I could see myself doing something constructive using my hands and creating along with the weekend warrior bit. Maybe construction or guitar repair during the week, but yeah I agree, the days of drinking till 2:00 am and living on the road are over for me. I would love to be in a good cover band playing some country rock blues and sneak in some jazz just so my soul and chops don't deteriorate .

[Count Bassie]

Originally Posted by shadven

Your first responsibility is to your family. Get a job and don't be "woe is me, I can't do the 9 - 5 thing, I'd be miserable". Tough sh*t. Sounds like a major cop out. Life aint easy. If you aren't talented enough, resourceful enough, presentable enough, lucky enough to earn a decent living playing bass, you sure as hell ought to be working to support your family.

I don't believe life is a "one way or the other" deal. You make your life a shape that you can like, make yourself some success with- that's where I'm going with the 'creative' thing. Don't allow it to be a miserable experience, walk into the adventure with your head up and eyes open. You have no idea how cool this is going to really be.

And this is true: You brought people into this life. Be a part of it, and realize it's not all about you... you don't seem to understand that you've got something to give here. Music, that'll be there, you won't forget how to play. And does anyone know who you are anyway? Maybe that's not all there is for you.

Hmm...

Some of the remarks quoted above might be a little harsh, by the way. The talent/resourceful remarks... is this boot camp? No, it's just Talkbass...

[two fingers]

Originally Posted by pgolliher

I have a really fun gig on this Friday night. We will have a big draw, we are playing with fun bands. Should be a great night to go nuts and have a blast.. no?
Me: 41 year old father of three. Bass player since I was 15.
My two year old twins were sick all last week and weekend and now my back is messed up from holding/carrying them constantly. I am totally stressed out at work from a "corporate restructuring" and having to lay off half of my team and dealing with all that s*&6 (literally, stress diarhea is kinda my thing right now), and the morning after the gig is my daughter's 6th birthday- and... because my wife is so cheap, we are having a fairy party at the "clubhouse" where we live. Translation- I will have to set up everything and run all the games with the kids and clean everything up afterwards... which when all said and done will cost the same as renting out a "bounce house place" or kids gym- without all the hours of prep...
Sorry for the long rant and despite having to get that off my chest, I really do feel blessed with having an amazing family, being able to play the bass, being in a really fun live band, and having a job. Any other mid-life crisis bass players out there- please feel free to join in. Thanks!

Whoa! I feel as though I just looked into a mirror!

41? Check.
Young kids? Check.
Started at 15? Check.
On the other side of the coin, I got "restructured" so I'm back in school at 41 years old. So I usually have to finish my College Algebra homework before/after the gig.
Had a fairy party for my 3 year old a few months ago, at my house, the day after a gig, with 65 people in attendance because the wife didn't want to pay to rent a party place. I got about 3 hours sleep in two days.
Both my kids are sick as we speak and I'm going to stay home from school to care for them Monday.

And I wouldn't trade a minute of it for anything in this world. It's a crazy ride, but the best one ever. I'm sure you feel the same. A good rant cleanses the soul. Best of luck to you.

[j.kernodle]

Originally Posted by two fingers

Whoa! I feel as though I just looked into a mirror!

41? Check.
Young kids? Check.
Started at 15? Check.
On the other side of the coin, I got "restructured" so I'm back in school at 41 years old. So I usually have to finish my College Algebra homework before/after the gig.
Had a fairy party for my 3 year old a few months ago, at my house, the day after a gig, with 65 people in attendance because the wife didn't want to pay to rent a party place. I got about 3 hours sleep in two days.
Both my kids are sick as we speak and I'm going to stay home from school to care for them Monday.

And I wouldn't trade a minute of it for anything in this world. It's a crazy ride, but the best one ever. I'm sure you feel the same. A good rant cleanses the soul. Best of luck to you.

Me too. 35 year, two kids, started at 15. Gigged steady for years
Now my work day is conference calls and project work. I'm finishing up college as a grown up and even have the "cheap" wife. lol
but I'm thankful for her and everything we've managed to put together for our kids. Restructuring is about to affect me as well with my job moving to Orlando. Either I move us all there, or start looking for a new job. so. are you giving out numbers?

[pgolliher]

Originally Posted by dickfitts

How'd it go man???

It all worked out great. One of my best friends from college
showed up out of the blue with his wife- he has been living accross the country for the last 6 years. The last time that I saw him was at the baby shower for my daughter who turned six. Since it was kind of a homecoming party for him all of my friends were going nuts- we all had too many shots.

Our set was crazy. We handed out promotional "beer bongs". Our guitar player smashed a guitar and then hooked up with a girl in the bathroom. Our drummer broke his foot in the mosh pit of the last band. For our band, "Dirt Track Heroes", we consider all of this a success.

here is video from a few months ago- I will try to get some video from friday http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZiu3Eqn-J4

The birthday party went great. I was hung over and exhausted in the morning, but my friend from out of town and his wife came over to meet our kids and they TOTALLY saved the day. They helped me decorate and set up everything and did an awesome job. He is 6'6" and about 400 lbs. It was hilarious watching my 6 year old direct him to where all the fairies and streamers had to go. The games went great, the other parents were really involved, two dads went for a beer run and then stayed and helped clean up. I ended up going to bed late on Sat. night eventhough I was exhasted- I think just because I needed some alone time to process everything. So last night I passed out while telling stories and then was in bed and asleep before 9pm.
Great weekend. Looking forward to a mellow one next week.