Whelp my night's f***ed (rant)

xxfaux_punkxx · #1 08-16-2010, 09:21 PM

So tonight me and my fiance' decide to have somewhat of a date night. Sit and watch a bunch of B movies. On the way home from getting some snacks (pizza rolls and soda mostly). I get a text from my drummer wanting to pracitce tommorrow. Just joining the band I decided to take the oppurtunity to work with him some more, espeacially since we're going to be an originals band.

My Fiance' is now pissed and not talking to me...

Why? because "I'm putting the band first over our relationship." I tried explaining that it's a job, and like all jobs you have to REALLY impress your higher ups while you're training in order to have a job at the end of it all, not to mention ever practice is another oppurtunity to build or set list so we can start gigging a lot sooner.

So yeah now I'm sitting her munching on cold pizza rolls because she lost her appitite after the arguement which lasted long enough for our food to freeze.

blah does anyone else have to go through this?

Tylerrr51 · #2 08-16-2010, 09:26 PM

Some chick liked me once, I put playing bass before going on dates to movies and such and she lost interest. I believe I chose the better option.

and its not like shes gonna brake up with you, shes your fiance'.

I'd say the day after practice surprise her with something big.

Good luck!

ric stave · #3 08-16-2010, 09:29 PM

So your date night is tonight, but she's pissed you're practicing tomorrow?

Bad omen...

Lazylion · #4 08-16-2010, 09:32 PM

So date night tonight, practice tomorrow.

What's the problem again? I think we can find one...

Not a lot to go on here, but ask yourself this: does she resent my music activities?
If the answer is yes, you've got a problem...

And to answer your last question, yes, lots of us go through similar things. It's hard for a woman to accept that she is not the only love in your life.

Edit: like Ric said!

JDJen · #5 08-16-2010, 09:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ric stave

So your date night is tonight, but she's pissed you're practicing tomorrow?

Bad omen...

Yep.... the Guilt Trip is "ON", and it's apparently working.

Oh...and the calling it a job never works, especially if you ever say "I have to play at (Insert Venue Here) tonight.

The only thing they hear is PLAY.

Good luck with that.

handofseven · #6 08-16-2010, 09:44 PM

If you really love to play music with a band, and you really love your fiance, then you are going to have to find a way for those two relationships to exist happily together. Your fiance is going to have to understand that playing music is an important part of your fulfillment and happiness in life and that you need her support in that. Believe me when I tell you that it will make for a very hard road if you aren't both on the same page when it comes to this. Bands will come and go, but I'm sure you're hoping this woman will be with you 'til the day you die (and maybe then some). Have a heart to heart and ask her why she is "really" upset... Chances are she was hoping to spend that time with you and isn't too happy that you are more excited to spend it with the drummer... Things might be different if you were actually bringing home the big bucks with that time spent, but I'm pretty sure she probably sees it as "time spent with the other woman!!!".... GL dood! All the best!

SMILEYSIXX · #7 08-16-2010, 09:46 PM

Leave her >_>

But seriously, make her understand. I can understand IF music is a side thing and IF you cancelled a date for practice, being upset may be reasonable. But from your post, it sounds like it is a serious job. Besides that, you made no plans for tomorrow night with her, so you still have tonight. Girls will be jealous of not being your only love. Either they accept music as another part of your life, or they walk. Honestly, any woman could walk up to me and say "it's either me or music" and I would pick music every time, but you're in a little deeper than "just dating".

Make her understand. If she still doesn't, consider it a red flag.

puddin tame · #8 08-16-2010, 09:46 PM

women have this hang up about things that take attention away from them

Tampabass · #9 08-16-2010, 10:01 PM

what, a girlfriend or wife failing to appreciate your dedication to playing music? I'm shocked. Glad I heard about this here first on Talkbass

....Just Kidding. But seriously, something that has always puzzled me about this issue: Often, women are attracted to musicians, particularly one you can see playing with a band a public venue. But then AFTER a relationship starts to get serious, the same thing that attracted a woman can become a BURDEN, because it can sometimes cut into the "together" time. And, to take it to another psychological level, this kind of friction can sometimes erupt when a woman doesn't have an art, craft, sport, etc -- something she enjoys doing that she also feels that she's good at -- that she's as passionate about as the guy is about his music. So she can become jealous that he is spending time with a "love" other than her, AND she can become envious of his "outside" passion. (I'm sure all of this, or most of this, would apply if the roles were reversed, too, with the woman being the musician)

and +1 on the "red flag"

nicoli · #10 08-16-2010, 10:01 PM

One would have to think that if you've been with her long enough to get engaged, she probably should have noticed that you do this music thing as part of your life. It's part of the package. Does she not have any hobbies/interests/jobs outside of being with you?

xxfaux_punkxx · #11 08-16-2010, 10:09 PM

all very good advice. She's not speaking to me right now, but i know why she's upset. She likes to spend her days with me and tommorrow I'll be off with my drummer. Not to mention the last two practices I stayed out until 1 or so although that's not happening tomorrow (I'll be done by 1 in the afternoon latest).

I'll try talking to her again and see if we can settle this. blah i need chocolate and flowers.

KUNGfuSHERIFF · #12 08-16-2010, 10:14 PM

Your profile says you're 22. I'm going to assume your fiancee is younger than you are. I got married at 27 and it took years for my wife to understand that I was a human being like she was and entitled to a certain amount of freedom as long as I didn't xxxx up. Like your lady, mine is a drama queen. She's been with a musician (me) for 10 years and still cops an attitude if I say I'm going out to a gig, even when I'm going to get paid well and put food in our kids' bellies.

I'm seeing a lot more of these stunts on her part, and some big lawyer bills, in your future. Lay down the law, now, and see what happens. Her response will make your next move very clear.

M0ses · #13 08-16-2010, 10:25 PM

Women are dumb. The solution to having less time together is NOT and will never be to refuse to talk to each other. And yeah, you can tell her I said that.

Rimshot · #14 08-16-2010, 10:34 PM

Wow, seriously dudes...he's breaking plans on short notice (I'm assuming date night was the same day as the practice) to go jam. That's just poor form regardless of the reasons.

That's why they're called PLANS. I would think that the right thing to have done is tell the drummer you have other plans and find a different day to get together.

The message your sending is that she's getting blown off for something 'better'. Tough talk is great and I've done more than my share, but common courtesy and some degree of respect for a person's time is always in order.

I'm sure you're a fine, upstanding young gentleman, but I wouldn't want you dating my sister or daughter if that's your M.O.

Flame away...

CultofJay · #15 08-16-2010, 10:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tampabass

But seriously, something that has always puzzled me about this issue: Often, women are attracted to musicians, particularly one you can see playing with a band a public venue. But then AFTER a relationship starts to get serious, the same thing that attracted a woman can become a BURDEN

It's because being a free-spirited musician is attractive at first, but then after she's got you pinned down (engaged) it's time to get serious with your life...or something along those lines. Some women feel like they're best suited to "guide" you in the right direction. But, seriously...who needs another mom?

Faux, you've got to have a talk with this girl man. From your OP it sounds like she doesn't like you to have your own life (*you* plan a date night, but she also has to have you all day tomorrow too?

). I was engaged to a girl who always needed me around. Let me tell you...that game will get old really fast. I put up with 5 years of telling friends "Not tonight...sorry." because she would lay on the guilt and it eventually got easier to have no life instead of arguing about wanting my own life. I'm just saying...you're young and, to me, that's a huge red flag.

Plus, if you're planning out a date night on a whim then I have no idea how someone can say you're putting the relationship second. I've found out since breaking things off with the ex-finance a year ago that that kind of sh*t scores major points with normal chicks. Food for thought.

touji · #16 08-16-2010, 10:39 PM

@Rimshot

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxfaux_punkxx

So tonight me and my fiance' decide to have somewhat of a date night. Sit and watch a bunch of B movies. On the way home from getting some snacks (pizza rolls and soda mostly). I get a text from my drummer wanting to pracitce tommorrow. Just joining the band I decided to take the oppurtunity to work with him some more, espeacially since we're going to be an originals band.

KUNGfuSHERIFF · #17 08-16-2010, 11:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rimshot

Wow, seriously dudes...he's breaking plans on short notice (I'm assuming date night was the same day as the practice) to go jam. That's just poor form regardless of the reasons.
Flame away...

Read first. Talk second. Sorry to be harsh, but really...

NKUSigEp · #18 08-16-2010, 11:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rimshot

Wow, seriously dudes...he's breaking plans on short notice (I'm assuming date night was the same day as the practice) to go jam. That's just poor form regardless of the reasons...I'm sure you're a fine, upstanding young gentleman, but I wouldn't want you dating my sister or daughter if that's your M.O.

Flame away...

I gotta give this a big ol' COME ON MAN!!!! Plain as day in the post that the date was "tonight" and practice was "tomorrow". Just another case of unwarranted worry. She's a girl, what do you expect? LOL

I get the occasional "aw, you've got band practice again?" nagging but in all honesty we only practice once a week if that. I think it stems from the fact we've been together forever and our first show is this Sept 4th LOL. She's actually offered to help with some management (which I'm very leery of) and merch sales (which I'm ok with) though.

Raymeous · #19 08-16-2010, 11:47 PM

Conversation number one when things start to get serious "I am a musician, I was before you got here, I will be after you leave. I'm not saying that to be a cold hearted ____, its just that playing bass is a part of who I am. If you can deal with that then we're good to go. If not then I don't want to waste anymore of your time."

This is your fiance, she knows your a musician by now. Seriously the best thing you can do is talk to her about this and be as honest as you can about who you are and what being a musician means to you. Don't hold back. If she doesn't have a hobby (aka life) of her own the time you spend at rehearsal or a gig is a perfect opportunity for her to hang out with her girlfriends and develop one. You go to the practice/gig, the girls come over to your place and have a girls night in/out. If all goes well you'll have a happy girl and some amazing leftovers to nibble on.

Munjibunga · #20 08-17-2010, 12:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxfaux_punkxx

all very good advice. She's not speaking to me right now, but i know why she's upset. She likes to spend her days with me and tommorrow I'll be off with my drummer. Not to mention the last two practices I stayed out until 1 or so although that's not happening tomorrow (I'll be done by 1 in the afternoon latest).

I'll try talking to her again and see if we can settle this. blah i need chocolate and flowers.

Stayed out 'til 1, huh? Practicing the whole time? There may be more to this issue than meets the eye.