You KNOW It's Going To Be A Hellish Gig When---

[The Owl]

Post your observations here:

1) The beautiful women are all hitting on the drum machine

2) The club owner asks if you'll take IOU's or Confederate money

3) The sound system bears an uncanny resemblance to two tin cans and string

4) You have a 6 piece band and the venue's stage can just barely fit 3


Your turn----------------------

[tZer]

1) You show up and it is the only structure for miles and it is a corrugated tin quanset hut named, "Bubba's"

2) Nothing but monster trucks in the lot

3) and the worst-case scenario... chicken-wire enclosed stage!

[txbasschik]

1) Someone screams "Freeeeeebirrrrrd!!!" in the first ten minutes of the first set. There's your problem drunk.

2) There are lots of BMW's and Volvos, and no pickups or Harleys, and then someone asks you whether the bar serves martinis.

3) There's a large, drunk lesbian trying to drag you offstage while you are playing.

Cherie ;-)

[Lazylion]

1) the name of the venue is (gulp) the Tehachape State Prison. Yup, I played there once. That's one gig where you DON'T make eye contact, no way!

2) It's Christmas Eve on a Marine base, and the only women in a crowd of 150 are the 2 waitresses. Best part of that gig - the load in. About 20 Marines came out to our vehicles to help. Literally, every piece of gear was onstage in about 3 minutes. Gotta love that!

3) the date of the gig is 9/12/01.

[txbasschik]

Originally Posted by Lazylion

1) the name of the venue is (gulp) the Tehachape State Prison. Yup, I played there once. That's one gig where you DON'T make eye contact, no way!

2) It's Christmas Eve on a Marine base, and the only women in a crowd of 150 are the 2 waitresses. Best part of that gig - the load in. About 20 Marines came out to our vehicles to help. Literally, every piece of gear was onstage in about 3 minutes. Gotta love that!

3) the date of the gig is 9/12/01.

Well, the Marines are nothing if not efficient with gear! ;-)

'Course, that's *before* they're drunk.

Cherie

[bassbully43]

1.When a dude sitting at the bar yells out ya'll plays sum Skynyrd dont ya and you just brought in the first few pieces of equipment to the stage.

2. When the best looking girl in the bar is missing some of her front teeth.

3.When your first then second and finally third beer progressively get warmer when served to you.

[RyansDad]

1. The staff at the bar outnumber the patrons.

2. You have 5 people running around trying to trace "that humming sound" and your supposed to start the show in 5 minutes.

4. You see a loud, obnoxious drunk staggering around the club and realize that it's your drummer.

[FriscoBassAce]

Originally Posted by RyansDad

You see a loud, obnoxious drunk staggering around the club and realize that it's your drummer.

Been there seen that!!! Too funny!

[Lonnybass]

1. You arrive at the venue and ask yourself "Is that the stage...or the drum riser?"

2. No electrical outlets anywhere (bonus points if voltage is below 108).

3. The lights dim anytime you play a note lower than an "E."

4. You pick up radio stations through your amp.

5. "Sound provided" consists of one of those $99 Ipod speakers.

Lonnybass

[Lazylion]

Originally Posted by txbasschik

Well, the Marines are nothing if not efficient with gear! ;-)

'Course, that's *before* they're drunk.

Cherie

+1 they did NOT help us load out!

[Quality]

1.) Sound check is in 15 minutes and your drummer hasn't shown up yet.

2.) You step up to the Mic during sound check and a 3 inch spark jumps to your lips.

3.) You are introduced by a group of crickets.

[Theonestarchild]

1) Some ****** spills beer all over your amplifier within 5 minutes of offloading

2) You realise 2 songs into the first set that your guitarist has become unplugged and is still whaling away (guns and roses)

3) You get to the gig, set up, turn on all your gear and all of the sudden you hear *fizzle* and realise that your amplifier is now a blob of melted goo (has happened before)

4) and of course, last but not least.... 1 person in 3 subsequent song breaks screams "Freebird!!!!!" "ERUPTION!!!!" and finally "You guys suck! You can't play any songs I know!"

[jim1457]

...while standing on top of the drummer's truck yelling "rock and roll!" to fire up the crowd, you hear the guitar player start up. So you jump off (as everyone's face drops like they're watching a trainwreck) to try to hurry in there... and wind up breaking your heel. I played that third set one one foot and in a bubble of pain. Actually it was the next week that was hellish.

...you turn your amp on and it just goes "pop" and then shuts off. I had to play through the PA that night. It was the last sound that Carvin ever made...

...at battle of the bands, they say "just bring your guitar, we have amps". Watching the band before us, I see they have a nice rig that I'd been wanting to try out out. Then that band finished and the rig left with them. Then the sound man brings me a D.I. box. That PA was like a kazoo...

[niftydog]

...when the hot looking chick in the tight jeans who's "cushion" you've been admiring turns around and becomes a long-haired, pimply, teenage male megadeath fan.

...when he's STILL the most attractive thing in the room!

[BassChuck]

1.) Bullet holes in the back of the stage.

2.) Pool table on stage. Owner says, "oh yea,..... lemme see if I can find some guys to move that".

3.) Owners dog is named "Killer" and will not stop staring at your crotch.

4.) Patrons having sex on the hood of your car while you try to load out.

5.) Check bounces.

-all true.

[bassbully43]

Originally Posted by BassChuck

1.) Bullet holes in the back of the stage.

2.) Pool table on stage. Owner says, "oh yea,..... lemme see if I can find some guys to move that".

3.) Owners dog is named "Killer" and will not stop staring at your crotch.

4.) Patrons having sex on the hood of your car while you try to load out.

5.) Check bounces.

-all true.

LOLOLOL So far this is starting out as maybe the funnest thread I have ever seen on TB.....keep it going its great stuff...all of it so far!

[scottbass]

Here are my true ones:

No one in the audience is under 60 years old.

Our band (classic metal) was a last-minute fill-in at the American Legion - and Fridays are always country western night.

During first break get chewed out for 10 minutes by a white-hair who says stuff like "You're not even musicians. Real musicians wouldn't play for an hour without at least one waltz."

Crowd starts at about 100, 95 of them have left by the first break. Only 3 wives and 2 friends are left.

But there was a silver lining. After the second set the manager said "Well, I guess I made a mistake hiring you guys on country western night, didn't I? You might as well just pack up and go home now - no reason for you to play the last set." AND THEN HE PAID US IN FULL!

[Lazylion]

Originally Posted by niftydog

...when the hot looking chick in the tight jeans who's "cushion" you've been admiring turns around and becomes a long-haired, pimply, teenage male megadeath fan.

...when he's STILL the most attractive thing in the room!

Ouch, and double ouch!

Originally Posted by BassChuck

Owners dog is named "Killer" and will not stop staring at your crotch

Lengthen your strap until your bass covers the tenderloin. And pray.

[bigtexashonk]

chickenwire

[Rooney]

Originally Posted by txbasschik

3) There's a large, drunk lesbian trying to drag you offstage while you are playing.

Cherie ;-)

Happens almost every time we play at a certain bar. Very large, incredibly homely, incredibly drunk lesbian. Thank God it's not me she's trying to pull off of the stage. It's the female keyboardist. I'm not quite sure if she minds though??????