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03-08-2009, 12:51 AM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Boston, Lima Peru | | | Bass/Music Jokes!!!
Im kinda bored right now, and cant rly play stuff cuz its late and i got ppl under my apartment.
Here are some. Remember its just for fun so dont get offended if ur too serious.
A guy wanted to play bass in a band. The band told him, "Okay, but you will have to have 1/3 of your brain removed." So, the guy went into surgery. When he woke up, the doctor said, "I'm terribly sorry, but we made a mistake and accidentally removed 3/4's of your brain!" The guy said, "Uh, that's okay. Got some sticks?"
What is the definition of a bass note played perfectly in tune?
Pure coincidence.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the piano player can do that with his left hand.
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03-08-2009, 12:53 AM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Boston, Lima Peru | | | Kenny G. steps out of an elavator with a big grin on face and says: "Man, this place rocks!" - I thought this one was so funny. |
03-08-2009, 01:17 AM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: May 2005 Location: Springfield MA area | | Quote:
Originally Posted by osmarokuma  Kenny G. steps out of an elavator with a big grin on face and says: "Man, this place rocks!" - I thought this one was so funny. | That is great, I will use this one at next band practice and claim it as my own! |
03-10-2009, 01:32 AM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Reykjavik,Iceland,Nenagh Éire | | | I don't get the Kenny G joke...
Heh.
You're lost in a forest, and you spot a string quartet ( VVCB ) and santa clause.
The first Violinist is happy, and joking around, and has perfect intonation, the second violinist can read the treble clef with no problems at all, and doesn't have tape marks on his fingerboard, the Cellist is a skinny man with a full head of hair, and the bassist is a sober, young gentlemen. Last of the group is Santa Clause.
Who do you ask for directions out of the forrest?
Santa Clause, the other 4 indicate that you are clearly hallucinating.
* snare snare crash *
Goodnight ladies and gents, I'm here all week!
__________________ Quote: |
I've had mine since late October. I've been assured that I will spend 5 years working on the beginners mistakes and then I can move on to the advanced ones.
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03-10-2009, 01:51 AM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Perth, WA, Australia | | | What's the range of a fretless?
About 30 feet, depending on your arm..
*****
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two harmonica players playing in unison.
*****
A bar has the band cancel out New Year's Eve on the afternoon of the gig. The Bar manager is desperate and ringing around all over town but every band is booked. Finally he manages to get a duo consisting of a Trombone Player and an Accordionist. He's not thrilled but he HAS to have a band for New Year's Eve so he books them.
At the gig, the duo absolutely rock the joint. The dance floor's full all night and he sells a ****load of drinks.
At the end of the night he goes up to the band and tells 'em he's GOT to have 'em back for next New Year's Eve. The Accordionist looks at him and says "So can we leave the gear set up?"
*****
Guitarist in a punk band goes out back during the break and sees the Bassist kicking and beating the crap out of a guy. He goes up and says "Chill out man, no need to get that heavy".
"Yeah; but the bastard detuned one of my strings".
"That's still uncalled for."
"But he won't tell me which one."
__________________
Phatbass - Bassists with Beards Club member no. 26
"You say heroin-addicted bisexual Satan worshiper as if it's a BAD thing"
Last edited by phatbass : 03-10-2009 at 02:01 AM.
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03-10-2009, 02:02 AM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Chicago | | | What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you chop the viola.
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing in unison.
What's the definition of "perfect pitch"?
Tossing a viola in the dumpster without hitting the rim.
I've got more . . . |
03-10-2009, 02:23 AM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Perth, Western Australia | | | Whats the difference between a bass player and a pizza?
A Pizza can feed a family of 4
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LOG #290
Aussies Bring The Thunder Down Under Club #7
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03-10-2009, 02:36 AM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Bremerton, Wa | | | How can you tell if a bassist is knocking at your door?
-It's impossible to tell, it could be a keyboardist using their left hand |
03-10-2009, 02:46 AM
|  | Registered User | | Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: santa fe new mexico | | | how can you tell when a drummer is at the door?
the knock speeds up.
what do you give a drowning bass player?
his amp.
Thanks I will be here all week try the pepper steak. |
03-10-2009, 02:50 AM
|  | Registered User | | Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Owensboro, Ky | | | Q: What do you call a bass player with no girlfriend and no band?
A: Homeless.
Q: What is perfect pitch?
A: Tossing an accordion out a 4th story window and it landing on a banjo.
__________________
βΘИΞКЯŲŜĦÏИĞ® #109 Mediocre Bassist Club#96
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03-10-2009, 08:57 AM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: May 2007 Location: San Marvelous, Texas | | | My all time fav
How can you tell it's a female vocalist at the door?
She loses the key and doesn't know when to come in!
Bahdum chick |
03-10-2009, 09:12 AM
| | Registered User
Bass Player | | Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: New England | | | What do you do if you see a drummer running around your back yard bleeding?
Stop laughing and shoot him again!
What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors can actually read Greek.
What did the drummer get in his IQ test?
Saliva. |
03-10-2009, 09:21 AM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Denver, Co. | | 
Really unbelievably funny stuff, boys.
I hate to put a damper on it, BUT....if you look at the main, opening page when you visit the DOUBLE BASS forums, you'll see that these here forums are kinda broken up into dfferent subjects.....you know, Basses (that's the one you're in right now), and many other subjects you may want to discuss regarding same.
If you take that mouse thingy in your hand and scroll down, towards the bottom of these subjects you'll see a couple of SUBJECT HEADERS that might work a bit better for this brilliant stuff. I would bet the best one for this would be that one that mentions HUMOR, or jokes or something kinda like that. BECAUSE this one is supposed to be a forum where we should be talking about, you know... BASSES......
Yes, basses. That thing that, hopefully, brought you around here in the first place. I do have my doubts about that as well, since there seems to be a few of you, AS USUAL, who aren't BASSISTS. (well, at least, not DOUBLE BASSISTS....but we aren't supposed to be talking about guitars anyway, are we?) 
PS....what really seems to be bothering me, is that a couple of you have ripped off my friend Ed Fuqua's closing lines. I really don't care for that. If the joke had been funny, like his are, I guess I wouldn't mind so much.
PSS....that Kenny G one was a killer. ( MAN!!! That's the first time I've EVER used his name in print....that's a new LOW fer me.)
Help me, dear Jesus......................
__________________
Oh, no.....have we gone OT yet again?
"The opportunity was there...but it never presented itself." Phil Urso, 1980. :atoz:
Last edited by Paul Warburton : 03-10-2009 at 09:49 AM.
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03-10-2009, 11:42 AM
|  | 'Woodworker - Witch Doctor - Luthier'
Owner/The Bass Spa, String Repairman/L & M Vancouver | | Join Date: May 2006 Location: Crescent Beach, BC | | The King of Off Topic weighs in - get a job already! 
What's the difference between a banjo and a chainsaw?
You can tune the chainsaw!  |
03-10-2009, 11:52 AM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Denver, Co. | |
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake deVilliers The King of Off Topic weighs in - get a job already! | Thanks, Jake. My self-appointed job, as I see it, around here is to annoy people like you.
I've succeeded again.
__________________
Oh, no.....have we gone OT yet again?
"The opportunity was there...but it never presented itself." Phil Urso, 1980. :atoz: |
03-10-2009, 12:03 PM
| | Banned | | Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: New York, NY | | Ladies and gents....come on over and have a laugh on the dark side.... What's the funniest joke you know?
(I will now retreat like a mouse back to his hole) |
03-11-2009, 03:05 PM
| | | | you can tune the chainsaw hahahah thats funny |
03-11-2009, 08:00 PM
|  | Registered User | | Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Seattle, WA | | Quote:
Originally Posted by phatbass
A bar has the band cancel out New Year's Eve on the afternoon of the gig. The Bar manager is desperate and ringing around all over town but every band is booked. Finally he manages to get a duo consisting of a Trombone Player and an Accordionist. He's not thrilled but he HAS to have a band for New Year's Eve so he books them.
At the gig, the duo absolutely rock the joint. The dance floor's full all night and he sells a ****load of drinks.
At the end of the night he goes up to the band and tells 'em he's GOT to have 'em back for next New Year's Eve. The Accordionist looks at him and says "So can we leave the gear set up?"
| I'm going to tell this one over and over..starting tonight. |
03-12-2009, 10:30 AM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: Maui | | | Kinda reminds me of that other one;
Jazz bassist signs on to do the annual Christmas performance of "The Nutcracker" with the local orchestra. Night of the show, his spot is empty, he's nowhere to be seen; conductor's getting pissed. Finally, seconds before showtime, he flies in the back door, sets up in position, ready for the downbeat. The conductor glares at him and says "Perhaps you would at least like to take a moment to tune up?!" Bassist replies, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"
Last edited by Marcus Johnson : 03-12-2009 at 10:37 AM.
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03-12-2009, 02:17 PM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Princeville, Kauai | | Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus Johnson Kinda reminds me of that other one;
Jazz bassist signs on to do the annual Christmas performance of "The Nutcracker" with the local orchestra. Night of the show, his spot is empty, he's nowhere to be seen; conductor's getting pissed. Finally, seconds before showtime, he flies in the back door, sets up in position, ready for the downbeat. The conductor glares at him and says "Perhaps you would at least like to take a moment to tune up?!" Bassist replies, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?" |
What's your point?
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