How to endear yourself to other Players

[reedo35]

Hi All,I was leafing through my old Copies of Double bassist magazine, and I found these humorous comments by Peter Tyler, some of 'em had me on the floor:
HOW TO ENDEAR YOURSELF TO OTHER PLAYERS
1)Arrive one minute before the rehearsal starts, forcing everyone to move for you.
2)Ignore the section Leader.
3)Position yourself so that you can continually poke your neighbor's bass with your Bow.
4) Once rehearsal has begun,start tuning your instrument. Better yet, assume it is already in tune and don't bother.
5) Sit with your back to the principal bassist so you aren't distracted by their bowing
6)Work on an irritating buzz or rattle.sitting on a squeaky stool is a good one,
7) 'Borrow' (steal) a cake of rosin and Drop it.
8) Play pizz when Arco is marked ans vice versa.
9) miscount the rests in a loud whisper.
10) Tap your feet, just after the beat.
11) When muted, Play louder to compensate.
EXCUSES AND BEHAVIOUR WHEN PLAYING OUT OF TUNE
"The Heat/Cold is affecting everyones intonation"
"It's my new strings"
"The cello's intonation is dreadful"
Place your left ear against the pegbox and gaze upwards.
Never be seen adjusting your tuning pegs.
Scowl at another DB'er.
TRICKS TO AVOID PLAYING EXPOSED PASSAGES
Discover pianissississimo
Pretend to be penciling in important Bowings.
Peer intently at the music and frown.
If this fails, knock the music off the stand.
Find a broken hair to pull out of your Bow.
Sneeze!
STATEMENTS TO ESTABLISH CREDIBILITY
"My other Bass is a Panormo, it's too valuable to take out"
"I played this piece before",a) with Gary Karr b) with Mickey Mouse c) in the Albert hall d) with Toscanini
AFTER THE PERFORMANCE
Shake hands with the other Players, and say how much you enjoyed teaching them.
Wait for them to offer to buy you a drink.And wait..And Wait..
Don't ask about another booking.