Advice for Managing Money in a Marriage?

[tastybasslines]

I've been married 3 1/2 years, and after a rough patch at the beginning or so we have been getting along great for a while now, EXCEPT for money.

After our honeymoon, we set up a joint savings and checking account in addition to our personal accounts. Neither has been used. We have talked about putting money in the savings together, but not much more.

Last year, at dinner with my father and stepmom, it was agreed on by everyone at the table except me that my wife's beauty routine should be considered a "household expense". This includes $40 mani/pedi once a month, hair ($150/2months), facials ($100/2 months), makeup (very expensive) and some more things I can't remember. She was adamant about this. I thought it was ridiculous.

Shortly thereafter, I said to her that if she wanted to, we would both just use only the joint checking. She didn't want to. At the time, she was getting plenty of hours at work and had enough money to do with as she pleased. Most of her extra money is spent on clothes, purses, silly things...Example: I got mad at her because she bought $20 hot chocolate mix and in return she called me "cheap" and that "I ruin everything" and "she can't enjoy anything".

In the past we had split most bills 50/50, but in the last 6 months, her hours are getting cut and she is struggling more while my business has grown and I am doing the best I ever have financially. Since late spring last year, I am paying 2/3 of the bills, the entire Lexus payment for a car that she drives. I traded in my nice, ALMOST paid off stick coupe to get this, and I am now driving her 2001 Honda Accord with a salvage title (sucks!) and for a while now, have been paying for all dinners, putting money in her account ($1-200 at a time) when she needs a little, paying for the housekeeper to come every 2 weeks at $70 plus laundry quarters etc..

I should also mention, that her wealthy father still pays for a variety of things for her, including car insurance, medical insurance, free gas (he owns a station), medical bills, and some other things. I on the other hand, have to pay all of that stuff on my own. If we really adopted a shared mentality, she should be paying for half of my stuff. I estimate that I pay at least about 1K more in basic expenses than she does...And the father is a big issue for her, and he makes her feel guilty for accepting the money whenever he can and it comes up in arguments.

Last night we had a big blow up about finances again since she has no money at the moment and she says "Don't do what my father does" and "you are just like my father" and "don't be cheap"...This is a recurring theme in our conversations and relationship. I told her that he makes 30K+ a month, and I don't while he is her father and I am her husband, that this stuff needs to be discussed. I felt the need to point out what I am doing, because I feel it goes largely unnoticed and unappreciated. I don't mind contributing more, but there is no togetherness, and I feel I am being abused, especially when her money is spent on luxuries. I don't spend much myself, except for bass stuff which she of course, points out. She says I should contribute more, and that it is for the family, while she is not accountable herself.

We are at a long standing impasse and I feel it has become the elephant in the room and the 8000 lb gorilla. We just don't "get" the shared money idea and working together, her more so than me. Everything is nitpicked now and it's really dragging us down. Other than this, we are mostly loving, and enjoying our daughter. She is a good and kind person, but I feel she doesn't understand what we need to be doing money wise. And I am building up resentment towards her for it.

I need a real plan, I just don't know what to do anymore. I hate dealing with this, it really brings me down.

What should I do?

[MakiSupaStar]

I'm not touching this one.

[MatticusMania]

Money issues can be a bummer. My fiancee and I had sorted our issues out a while ago, deciding more or less not to share our income, as we had already been doing (why fix what isnt broke?).

Basically, she takes care of her bills (which aint much) and I take care of mine. Since I came to the relationship with more debt I think its fair that I mmanage said debt. What we have left over belongs to us (as in her or me). However, with that said, we are both pretty generous with our money towards each other. Whoever has the extra cash will pick up the dinner check, or buy groceries. The only bills we share are our phone bill, which she pays her portion of, and gym membership, which she pays her half of. And, if either of us fall into a state of needing money for something or other we try and help each other out when we can.

For a while I was really tight financially because of my debt and she was always the one with the extra money. I felt bad, as if I wasnt contributing enough, and even began looking into taking on an extra job. She told me not to feel bad, because if I was the one with extra money Id do the same thing (and when I did I would). Since my promotion I now have an equal amount of extra cash and things have balanced out.

[jmattbassplaya]

I know you don't want to hear this now, but this is why you discuss finances before marriage All I can say is good luck.

[Skitch it!]

Crikey!

[tastybasslines]

Originally Posted by MatticusMania

Money issues can be a bummer. My fiancee and I had sorted our issues out a while ago, deciding more or less not to share our income, as we had already been doing (why fix what isnt broke?).

Basically, she takes care of her bills (which aint much) and I take care of mine. Since I came to the relationship with more debt I think its fair that I mmanage said debt. What we have left over belongs to us (as in her or me). However, with that said, we are both pretty generous with our money towards each other. Whoever has the extra cash will pick up the dinner check, or buy groceries. The only bills we share are our phone bill, which she pays her portion of, and gym membership, which she pays her half of. And, if either of us fall into a state of needing money for something or other we try and help each other out when we can.

For a while I was really tight financially because of my debt and she was always the one with the extra money. I felt bad, as if I wasnt contributing enough, and even began looking into taking on an extra job. She told me not to feel bad, because if I was the one with extra money Id do the same thing (and when I did I would). Since my promotion I now have an equal amount of extra cash and things have balanced out.

We were like that for a little while, but it was short lived.

I also forgot to mention, that in addition to the above, I am going to have to come up with an additional $700 per month for my daughter pre school in the near future, and she keeps pushing me to make more and more...basically I'm not doing enough according to her.

We have no savings, no common financial goals or investments...and need to do it, but it doesn't happen with the yours is yours and mine is mine deal...

Damn, I can feel myself getting angry.

[theduke1]

I know a lot of people from mid 20's ,to mid 40's who have yours mine and ours. I for one believes this is a bad way to start a marrage.Without getting up on a soap box I will tell you the only way to solve this is to have one pool of money but more importantly one banker. I have no trouble making money,but I am not a saver, my wife is the banker in this home. She tells me when to stop spending and we have what we have because of her budgeting skills!
You must both remember, it is just stuff if you can look at your wife and know that if all the money, and things were gone, it would be ok cause you still were together the rest will work it self out! having seperate finances tells each other you don't trust them with all of what you think is yours!: All that we have is ours the mony, and the bills !cool:

[Staccato]

The advice on this forum is opinions-generally based on one side of the story...

IMO, each person should be able to carry their own (discretionary) bills without any assistance from the other (in most households).
Income above basic living expenses is considered discretionary, or disposable (hate that word).

In those households with one large income, or where the second person works part-time - things are different due to the income dynamics.

Our philosophy, and practice is to contribute 50/50 to the basic living expenses. Expenses for our hair care, hobbies, or personal vehicle is not a direct responsibility of the other person. It requires each person to get out and make a decent living, or cut their expenses rather than place a 'luxury' burden on the other spouse.

BTW, I AM cheap, and proud of it. We are so thankful that we think alike on this, and that we found each other.

[theduke1]

I know a lot of people from mid 20's ,to mid 40's who have yours mine and ours. I for one believes this is a bad way to start a marrage.Without getting up on a soap box I will tell you the only way to solve this is to have one pool of money but more importantly one banker. I have no trouble making money,but I am not a saver, my wife is the banker in this home. She tells me when to stop spending and we have what we have because of her budgeting skills!
You must both remember, it is just stuff if you can look at your wife and know that if all the money, and things were gone, it would be ok cause you still were together the rest will work it self out! having seperate finances tells each other you don't trust them with all of what you think is yours!

[tastybasslines]

I agree about the trust part. But, I honestly think she doesn't want me to see what she is buying...and spends her money on.

I wouldn't mind it that much...but with the money in the account together...she could spend more or I could even, and we would find ourselves short for major expenses probably...

Originally Posted by theduke1

I know a lot of people from mid 20's ,to mid 40's who have yours mine and ours. I for one believes this is a bad way to start a marrage.Without getting up on a soap box I will tell you the only way to solve this is to have one pool of money but more importantly one banker. I have no trouble making money,but I am not a saver, my wife is the banker in this home. She tells me when to stop spending and we have what we have because of her budgeting skills!
You must both remember, it is just stuff if you can look at your wife and know that if all the money, and things were gone, it would be ok cause you still were together the rest will work it self out! having seperate finances tells each other you don't trust them with all of what you think is yours!: All that we have is ours the mony, and the bills !cool:

[ksandvik]

If a couple does no even trust each other to have a joint account, wonder how that will work out in the long run.

One exception might be if either one has been married more than twice before, that should be an absolute must for pre-nup agreements.

[brothernewt]

Wow... sounds exactly like my recently failed marriage (except for the good and kind person, I didn't have that!).

So... I feel your pain, but don't have an answer.
Here are some suggestions:
1) Sell the Lexus and get two more recent, reliable, economical cars.
2) Can the housekeeper (or cut it back to once a month)
3) Her beauty regimen stuff... less than $200 per month? Give it to her, you don't want her ugly do you?

...and just maybe get some counseling before the resentment builds into an insurmountable obstacle.

[macaroni tony]

Originally Posted by theduke1

I know a lot of people from mid 20's ,to mid 40's who have yours mine and ours. I for one believes this is a bad way to start a marrage.Without getting up on a soap box I will tell you the only way to solve this is to have one pool of money but more importantly one banker. I have no trouble making money,but I am not a saver, my wife is the banker in this home. She tells me when to stop spending and we have what we have because of her budgeting skills!
You must both remember, it is just stuff if you can look at your wife and know that if all the money, and things were gone, it would be ok cause you still were together the rest will work it self out! having seperate finances tells each other you don't trust them with all of what you think is yours!

This is exactly what the misses and myself have settled on, and it seems to work the best. We used to split the bills 50/50, but now that she only works part time, there are a couple of things that I pay on my own. These things are set in stone; after I get paid, she goes "You have this much after bills/gas/groceries" and after she gets paid she goes "I have this much after bills/gas/groceries." And whoever needs some extra money for whatever, comes out of the leftover money, regardless of whoever just got paid.

[Skitch it!]

I can only relate a similar conversation with two friends lately, both could not understand where their money was going, until they found out where it had gone. To say they were displeased would be the understatement of the year, some women hold a different value on money as opposed to men. Just saying, but if I was to enter another serious relationship, it would be split and adjustments for savings made within, and when occasion needs then you adjust for that. I'd drop the housekeeping for a start, that would be classed as 'doing your bit' here (which I'm happy to do my share of, no problem). Just saying, that's me, (though I'll say, I have had personal past experience in a couple of relationships that has influenced my take on this) ymmv.

[macaroni tony]

Originally Posted by brothernewt

Wow... sounds exactly like my recently failed marriage (except for the good and kind person, I didn't have that!).

So... I feel your pain, but don't have an answer.
Here are some suggestions:
1) Sell the Lexus and get two more recent, reliable, economical cars.
2) Can the housekeeper (or cut it back to once a month)
3) Her beauty regimen stuff... less than $200 per month? Give it to her, you don't want her ugly do you?

...and just maybe get some counseling before the resentment builds into an insurmountable obstacle.

I'd add to this

4) as long as it is possible, keep her father out of all money issues

[UncleFluffy]

Not sure that anyone can give much advice as everyone's situation is different. I'd certainly be highly offended if family members outside of our marriage weighed in on the rights and wrongs of how we manage our money.

Past that, I can say what works for us: we have a joint checking account + visa that pay for all the household expenses, joint travel (like xmas, whatever); a joint savings account for building up a house deposit, and personal accounts for "fun" stuff. We put a fixed amount each month as an "adult allowance" into our personal accounts and everything else into the joint. Neither one can question the others use of their adult allowance, but joint spending is discussed. Clothes, shoes, beauty routines, beer, basses, tools, man-toys are all understood to be personal account issues.

[EBodious]

Originally Posted by brothernewt

...and just maybe get some counseling before the resentment builds into an insurmountable obstacle.

BIG +1.

brother, that sounds like a large and convoluted issue. we can all chime in with our pop psychology, but will she suddenly respect what a bunch of bass players on the interwebz say? a disinterested professional will help you both a lot with managing money AND trust.

you waited till the end of your post to mention your daughter. she ups the ante big time, IMHO. you are not just two independent people who are married and still figuring out how to settle into a routine. you are parents. for me, once you are a family, the finances become one. it is not yours and mine anymore.

so, having said that, some of the particulars you mention seemed odd to me. everyone is different, but i think its strange that you need quarters for laundry (so you don't own a washer/dryer) but you hire a housekeeper? i thought they were for people who owned a house and had the big appliances.

also, is her beauty regime necessary for her work? sometimes it is. it took me years to get used to my ex's frivolous spending and bad money managing, and the beauty stuff (and shoes) particularly got to me. i was happier when i stopped trying to control it (and, truth be told, i am even happier now that i don't have to worry about it at all!).

there seem to be a whole lot of funny details in your situation. i would think it would feel very overwhelming. a pro counselor could help you with a plan and a feeling of control over this chaos.

IMO, you owe it to your child to try to work this out. good luck, man.

[Jonyak]

Me and my wife a joint account that all bills come out of.

we have budgeted it so we know the costs and we split them 50/50.

everything else is kept in our own accounts.

we each put a couple extra hundred in when we can so we end up building a joint savings as well.

it works very well for us.

PS:

IMO your situation sounds like a real mess and that your wife is living beyond her means. other than that I am with maki and not touching this.

[tastybasslines]

This looks like a promising model. Thx for weighing in!

Originally Posted by UncleFluffy

Not sure that anyone can give much advice as everyone's situation is different. I'd certainly be highly offended if family members outside of our marriage weighed in on the rights and wrongs of how we manage our money.

Past that, I can say what works for us: we have a joint checking account + visa that pay for all the household expenses, joint travel (like xmas, whatever); a joint savings account for building up a house deposit, and personal accounts for "fun" stuff. We put a fixed amount each month as an "adult allowance" into our personal accounts and everything else into the joint. Neither one can question the others use of their adult allowance, but joint spending is discussed. Clothes, shoes, beauty routines, beer, basses, tools, man-toys are all understood to be personal account issues.

[warwick.hoy]

To be brutally honest if I were in your situation,...I'd be calling a lawyer.

Not to be a nay sayer but when I hear impasse when finances are concerned the only thing I can think is protect your assets. You have a successful business. Do you want your wife to get half of it if things get ugly?