Aghhhhh.

[Visirale]

My mom and I have a great relationship. But she also has the uncanny ability to make me feel like garbage if she wants to.

My parents are reasonably well off. I made enough scholarships to cover all my tuition ($35,000 so no small feat) so they pay for my other living expenses.

My ex that I dated for about a year and a half in HS just moved back from Seattle and we're back together and better than ever. My parents like her. They also got their doctorates at a seminary and are pretty religious. Me, not so much. I adhere to my faith, but I'm not very extroverted about it and find a lot of the small nit-picky rules a little dumb.

Well my mom gave me this big guilt trip speech. The gist of it was "School is your first priority, you can see her a little but not too much, and if we find out that she's over too much or living there, we'll stop paying for everything." She went on to tell me stories about friends who had sex once, and got pregnant and how it ruined their lives.

Then she went on and started crying about how she had smelled cigarette smoke on me one night a few nights ago when I came home (I blamed it on a friend smoking, but yeah, it was me!). I'm no addictive smoker. I enjoy my cloves like others enjoy cigars. One or two every night or so... I even stopped smoking for the first 2 months of the summer out of fear that they'd find out and throw a hissy fit about it with no relapses or anything.

I don't know, help me out. I know they're paying for a good amount of my stuff, and I'm very thankful for that. I still work and pay for most of my fun things (all my gear... all my food/drink/other stuff). I can understand them not wanting me to do stuff, and I fully understand it's their money... but at the same time I'm 19, and I should be able to make some of my own decisions about those kinds of things.

Basically I just can't wait to get graduated and pay for all my stuff so they won't have any say in the matter(s). But I'm definitely not gonna pull a "start working full time" and try to balance that with school full time.

So do I suck it up and live up to their standards (not gonna happen) or suck it up and start hiding my private life better?

Any advice/wisdom/musings from the TB elders?

[Scarlet Fire]

Suck it up and just get through college with their rules. Once it's over, you'll have your freedom, and a college degree without much of a headache.

[TheDarkReaver]

The advice you're likely to get is:

a) Suck it up

b) Get a job

[Visirale]

Originally Posted by TheDarkReaver

The advice you're likely to get is:

a) Suck it up

b) Get a job

And what I'm asking is:

a) I will suck it up, but I'm still going to maintain the things that I believe in in my private life... basically asking a "what they don't know won't hurt them" kind of thing.

And I refuse to work more than a part time job, because anything more than that will not leave me mentally at peace enough to do well in school. Once I graduate I'll be raking in the money... but 3 more years. There's no way I can make my rent on my own.

[Joe Gress]

Originally Posted by TheDarkReaver

The advice you're likely to get is:

a) Suck it up

b) Get a job

c) Check the battery



Stay on course and finish college, and see the girl as well. I mean if you like her, and want to keep her, you probably wont screw up by saying things have to wait. Just that things will have to stay reasonable until you have your feet planted on the ground.

[moomoocajoo]

Christ I'm starting to realise quite how liberal my rents are in comparison to others I know...though most of my mate's 'rents are cool too.

Must be a west cost thing.

[TheDarkReaver]

Originally Posted by Visirale

And what I'm asking is:

a) I will suck it up, but I'm still going to maintain the things that I believe in in my private life... basically asking a "what they don't know won't hurt them" kind of thing.

And I refuse to work more than a part time job, because anything more than that will not leave me mentally at peace enough to do well in school. Once I graduate I'll be raking in the money... but 3 more years. There's no way I can make my rent on my own.

Well then you've made your mind up havn't you.

[Pilgrim]

As long as they're supporting you, they are entitled to make SOME rules. The best thing for you to do is stop asking this question on Internet forums, sit down with them and have a serious talk about what the ground rules will be during your college career. They need to cut you enough slack to run your life and have new life experiences, and you need to respect their values and tolerance level. But if they're paying for your living quarters, you need to meet them in the middle.

[BlacktotheBlind]

Originally Posted by TheDarkReaver

The advice you're likely to get is:

a) Suck it up

b) Get a job

+1

[Visirale]

Originally Posted by TheDarkReaver

Well then you've made your mind up havn't you.

Yeah pretty much.

I hate being one of the whiny TB'ers who makes posts whining about their parents and living situations, but my mom just really got me feeling the worst I have pretty much all summer.

I guess the key thing is that I don't share the same religious or moral values that they do and base their lives upon, and no, I'm not really willing to fake it too much. I have no problem with "don't ask don't tell" but I'm not going to pretend to be this good God-fearing little obedient son forever. I go far enough to respect them, and I don't do anything they don't like around them. But the whole sniffing my fingernails for smoke and having friends drive by my GF's house to see if her car is there or not (or if mine is) is a little over the top to me.

And again to the "GO GET A JOB" bandwagoners, I go to a very intense liberal arts college with tons of writing, and I refuse to take any less than a full schedule (usually 1.5 or double load) and that with a full time job doesn't work and leave me with any quiet sanity time. I DO have a job, and it pays well, but no way is it going to cover everything it needs to.

[Hawaii Islander]

Many students that I talked to that went through a similar situation to yours (I've been involved with college/university academic institutions for over 20 years) noticed an improvement over time. By the end of their college career, they were pretty much fully independent from their parents and, usually, on better terms with them than before they started school. Cutting the strings gradually tended to work best. Good Luck!

[Stumbo]

Originally Posted by Visirale

Yeah pretty much.

.... but my mom just really got me feeling the worst

Since your parents are both religious, where's their faith? Where is the "We Won't Pay" book in the bible? I'd like to read it.

This "we won't pay" and crying hysterics is so blatantly manipulative that it's revolting. It seems that what they think they've taught you is much different than what you actually learned. What they are attempting to teach you is that repressing yourself for their benefit somehow will pound into you additional life lessons so you will live more like them. Sounds like they believe they have failed with you and are stepping up the pressure for you to change. By taking the "hide my real life" approach, you're manipulating them into thinking your life is going one way when it's actually going the other. That's what they really taught you.

Also know as hypocrisy:
1: a feigning to be what one is not or to believe what one does not; especially : the false assumption of an appearance of virtue or religion

Maybe your parents can star on that new television show " Smart People Say The Stupidest Things".

Then, when you are done with school, you can have a meeting with your parents and thank them for everything they've done for you, that you'll appreciate it forever and love them very much, however, you cannot live as a hypocrite so you'll be living your life as you see it, which may be much different than with way they see it.
Also, any manipulative crying, shaming or guilt induced discussions would not be welcomed into your life.

I'm pretty sure that what they see is that if you do anything different than what they want, you are rejecting them and their beliefs/actions.

Good luck.

[BlacktotheBlind]

Typical.

"I don't want my parents to interfere with my life, but I still want them to pay for my school/expenses/life."

Count yourself lucky, many people were never offered such help from their parents.

You may not like it, but you should play by their rules. It's the only decent thing for you to do. Otherwise you're just being a brat.

It's not the rest of your life, this is short term nonsense. You can't always "have your cake and eat it too".

[Robert B]

Originally Posted by Stumbo

Since your parents are both religious, where's their faith? Where is the "We Won't Pay" book in the bible? I'd like to read it.

This "we won't pay" and crying hysterics is so blatantly manipulative that it's revolting. It seems that what they think they've taught you is much different than what you actually learned. What they are attempting to teach you is that repressing yourself for their benefit somehow will pound into you additional life lessons so you will live more like them. Sounds like they believe they have failed with you and are stepping up the pressure for you to change. By taking the "hide my real life" approach, you're manipulating them into thinking your life is going one way when it's actually going the other. That's what they really taught you.

Also know as hypocrisy:
1: a feigning to be what one is not or to believe what one does not; especially : the false assumption of an appearance of virtue or religion

Maybe your parents can star on that new television show " Smart People Say The Stupidest Things".

Then, when you are done with school, you can have a meeting with your parents and thank them for everything they've done for you, that you'll appreciate it forever and love them very much, however, you cannot live as a hypocrite so you'll be living your life as you see it, which may be much different than with way they see it.
Also, any manipulative crying, shaming or guilt induced discussions would not be welcomed into your life.

I'm pretty sure that what they see is that if you do anything different than what they want, you are rejecting them and their beliefs/actions.

Good luck.

Manipulative? Revolting? Wow. You're obviously very angry at someone. All due respect, but do you really think insults such as these are a useful approach to Visirale's situation or even appropriate to this forum?

[thenextbigthing]

Typical.

"I don't want my parents to interfere with my life, but I still want them to pay for my school/expenses/life."

Count yourself lucky, many people were never offered such help from their parents.

You may not like it, but you should play by their rules. It's the only decent thing for you to do. Otherwise you're just being a brat.

It's not the rest of your life, this is short term nonsense. You can't always "have your cake and eat it too".

He's an adult and can make his own decisions. At that age your parents can't control you, they can choose to support you or not but making threats in this way is just wrong.

Visirale, you shouldn't even have to lie about smoking it's your own choice and is she trying to dissuade from having sex with that story? It's a reason to have safe sex but not to stop having sex altogether.

I'm in university in the UK and live off student loans, i'm not sure if it possible in america but if your parents refuse to support you then you may be able to get support from the goverment, if its like here then you'll have to pay it back but at least you'll be independent.

[Robert B]

Visirale - I understand your frustration. I think it's pretty much universal - you reach a certain age and you want to make all your own decisions, even if your situation is such that you aren't ready to manage your life financially just yet. Independence will come eventually whether you want it or not. It's inevitable. Your relationship with your parents is important. There's an old saying, "No one will love you like your mother loves you." And it's true. Try to work with your parents and don't make a mountain out of a molehill. It's only a few more years, right? I think you're probably man enough to tough it out. Just my opinion.

[FL Knifemaker]

Tell them you're gay and she's just a friend

[Joe Gress]

Originally Posted by FL Knifemaker

Tell them you're gay and she's just a friend

lmao.

[mike_v_s]

Sorry buddy, but I'm gonna have to go with my old man's favorite saying in my 20's:"those who pay the bills make the rules".

After I graduated highschool, my parents allowed me to stay at the house and said they would pay for grades C and higher. And that was that. I paid for everything else. Deoderant, boxers, toothbrush, my $200 car, gas, insurance....everything. My dad would only loan me money after calling the bank and getting the current interest rate.

He was very adament that I understand that what he provided for me after I turned 18 was a favor. At the time I resented it, but as I got older I saw the lesson. I have never been out of a job for longer than I chose to be. Never.

This drive has saved my ass countless times. I put my wife through her internship by bricklaying (laborer) in Texas 60 hour per week after I graduated college. I assembled cigarette cabinets 1 day after being layed off from the phone company because my wife was pregnant. I gutted homes after Katrina because that was what payed at the time. I have a very nice job now that doesn't require the health risks, but I'd go back to them in a heartbeat if I needed to.

I'm not sure what my point was. It's your parent's money to do with as they please. They wanna put restrictions on it? Either you follow the restrictions or pay your own way and do what you want. I guess my point was that working while in school can have drawbacks, but there are a number of benefits, too.

Mike

[funkalicious101]

Tell them you will besmirch the family name unless they give in to your demands.