Of all the people I *don't* want to have sympathy for...

[Papazita]

The ex and I went through a very bitter split a few years ago. Some of you know details about it.

A quick summary: she cheats, leaves, and gets pregnant; all within a week. A lot of baaad fights and arguements. Unending trouble with the new boyfriend & his family (which resulted in a few restraining orders). Bitter child custody fight over our daughter.

We tried to get along. After the initial shock of it all & the emotions that it brought on, we actually did start to get along; better than we had in months! If it weren't for certain "other" persons butting in, we probably would have at least remained friendly.
But; that wasn't to be. After all that has been said & done, we really can't stand each other. We see each other once a week when we trade off our weeks of custody. We don't talk unless it's about our daughter. Anything more than that just results in an arguement.

Went to pick my daughter up a few hours ago for my week with her. I had to inform the ex that I wanted an extra week next month for vacation; we're both entitled to 2 consecutive weeks during the summer for vacations, but this will be the first either of us has used it. I went fully prepared for yet another fight. Had the voice recorder & custody papers in hand as I went to the door.

Then she drops the bombshell...

In addition to her being ok with giving up a week next month, she will likely be asking me to take her for an entire MONTH before the end of summer; because...

The baby (who just turned 2) she had with the new boyfriend has leukemia and has to have a bone marrow transplant.



I knew NOTHING about this!
I'm still in shock.

She didn't really want to go into detail, considering who I am (the enemy), so I don't know any more than that.

I have no idea how to deal with this...

[MJ5150]

It's not your kid that's sick so stay out of it. Shouldn't be hard since it looks like neither of you can stand the other.

-Mike

[Papazita]

Under the circumstances, I can understand her silence on it up to now. Her and I don't get along. The boyfriend and I definitely DO NOT get along. It's his kid, not mine.

But...

This is my daughter's little brother!
I think I at least had the right to know something about it; what if my daughter started asking me questions about it?
What if ex never told me about it at all, and the little guy doesn't make it? How would I be able to help our daughter deal with losing her baby brother when I have no idea what happened?

That part of it kind of ticks me off, but oh well. At least I know now. Bigger picture.

I told her that anytime she needs me to take our daughter, she shouldn't hesitate to tell me. Other than that, I really don't think there's much else I can (or should) do for her.

[Thunderscreech]

Originally Posted by MJ5150

It's not your kid that's sick so stay out of it. Shouldn't be hard since it looks like neither of you can stand the other.

-Mike

This.

[kanonfodr]

Um...the best thing I can say is become perfect. You've kinda got nothing to lose out of the deal, since you get to spend more time with your little girl, and if you actually support her in her endeavor to care for her other child (not monetarily, but don't be third leg to her), try to understand what she may be experiencing, this may work out as far as warming the relationship you have together.

If nothing else, think of your little girl who probably doesn't like it that her biological parents can't stand each other. I understand that the ex has been pretty sheisty with you, but it mended itself fairly well before.

Just my .02.

Peace,
Greg

[Quadcam]

ahhhh yeh, man I can relate to all this. pretty much same deal. We lived together for about 2 years, split up, I move out a week later she calls me at at work tellin me shes pregnant. We get back together for like 6 months and reality sets in and I move back out.

long story short, I've take my daughter all the time, she gets more money in support than I bring home for myself and yet it's never enough for her, cries to me that she cant pay the electric bill yet finds money to party with............ anyway I feel your pain, trust me. I think the only reason I dont have custody is that she doesnt want to give up that support check every month.

She could have at least told you about the other kids medical problems, I dont know what to tell you as far as how to deal with the news. My daughter has an older stepbrother and she at least tells me stuff about him now and then.

[MakiSupaStar]

It's ok to feel for the kid's suffering, but your role in all this is to support your daughter as she processes it.

[MJ5150]

Originally Posted by Papazita

This is my daughter's little brother!
I think I at least had the right to know something about it; what if my daughter started asking me questions about it?
What if ex never told me about it at all, and the little guy doesn't make it? How would I be able to help our daughter deal with losing her baby brother when I have no idea what happened?

Defer the questions back to mom.

You don't need to know the details to help your daughter cope if he does die. Sure it helps to know, but you can still comfort her and hold her hand regardless. How old is your daughter first of all? If she's super young, you aren't going to have to explain much anyway.

-Mike

[Papazita]

...
Now I'm really going to feel like a hole when I try again for full custody (oh and I do have reasons!); but oh well. I have to worry about my kid; not my kid's sibling who I've never even seen. As harsh as that may sound.

[MJ5150]

Originally Posted by Papazita

I have to worry about my kid; not my kid's sibling who I've never even seen. As harsh as that may sound.

You got that right. Good job. I thought some of my posts in here sounded harsh too, so I apologize if you think I'm a prick. I'm not.

-Mike

[Papazita]

Originally Posted by MJ5150

You got that right. Good job. I thought some of my posts in here sounded harsh too, so I apologize if you think I'm a prick. I'm not.

-Mike

I've been around much longer than my join date indicates, on a different account. I know you're not.

[GrindYourMind]

Be supportive to everyone you can be supportive to, ask for what you NEED. Anything goes awry, it's not because of you.

[popinfresh]

Originally Posted by MakiSupaStar

It's ok to feel for the kid's suffering, but your role in all this is to support your daughter as she processes it.

+1

Make the most of this month with your daughter.

[Kenbuntu]

This is how you play it:

You support that kid. You support him so much that the father and your ex, feel like they owe you something. When the time comes to, they'll remember you for this, and you'll be the bigger man. That feeling alone is worth all the trouble.

[Stumbo]

To have a brighter future, one must give up all hope of having a better past.

Read that somewhere. Bitterness gets you nowhere and your anger against your ex will flow to your child. As said before, be perfect to everyone and you'll do much better.

Possibly get some therapy to get rid of your anger. It'll be good for your kid.

[Illbay]

Originally Posted by MJ5150

It's not your kid that's sick so stay out of it.

Yeah, it's not like he's his brother's keeper or anything...

[fretlessguy]

I think the posters who have said that your number one priority is your daughter are right. Sure, she is concerned for her brother. Be there for her, help her anyway you can, and enjoy the month you will get with her.

The one thing you can do for yourself is to be the one who has class in the overall picture with your ex. Never degrade your ex or her boyfriend in front of your daughter. Expressing your regrets over a situation is one thing, but never degrade them. Stay focused on your daughter and her needs and also your relationship to her. It may be difficult, and at times you will really want to tell your ex to grab her lower lip and pull it over her head to swallow herself and disappear (), but take the high road and don't go to that level with her if it arises. As another poster said, make yourself look good and do not be the flake.

Your daughter is No. 1 now.

[jady]

Originally Posted by Kenbuntu

This is how you play it:

You support that kid. You support him so much that the father and your ex, feel like they owe you something. When the time comes to, they'll remember you for this, and you'll be the bigger man. That feeling alone is worth all the trouble.

+1

No matter what your feeling are for your ex and her new man, this is a small child with a horrible disease. Do what you feel is right, if you are gonna error, error on the side of being right.

This is how I dealt (and am dealing) with my ex-wife and her new husband (they got married 2 weeks ago without telling me even though we have 3 kids together). It has given me a nice piece of mind and self satisfaction that has held me up in the bad times .

Stay strong, you are in a hard position of doing the right thing without letting them take advantage of your doing the right thing.

Good Luck Brother!!!!!

[Geddyfleaharris]

Originally Posted by MakiSupaStar

It's ok to feel for the kid's suffering, but your role in all this is to support your daughter as she processes it.

Bingo. This is what you have to do. ^^^^^^ Wise words Maki.

[machine gewehr]

Originally Posted by Geddyfleaharris

Bingo. This is what you have to do. ^^^^^^ Wise words Maki.

Thats just common sense,don't give him too much credit.



I agree with Maki too btw.