Another year older another day wiser

XtheDeadPawn · #1 01-16-2012, 01:00 AM

Turn 22 today not a big deal, oddly enough I don't want a damn thing,

My parents want to take me out to eat and to the movies I told them no. I am 22 can't drive, never had a real job, my dreams are unattainable in reality. I feel boxed in like nothing matters I could die today and all I'd leave behind is a bunch of songs left unwritten, a pile of CDs, and a bunch of people despite being related to me I never once let them past my "mask".

I tried suicide in the past and while I'll never attempt it again I feel just like I did on the night I tried it. I made a make shift blade from a scotch tape holder that I found lying around. I listened to StainD's album Break the Cycle and somehow stopped myself before any harm could be done. I may have been 12 or 13.

Now I'm 22 I live with "strangers" that have raised me I know there's a God but, I don't pray. I feel helpless, useless, pathethic, and appathetic to both if I die or someone else does that I know. I failed at college which I've made peace with but, everytime I try to get my life back on track my parents derail me with negativity.

I'll end with my life's motto and the revised version I made today.

Original: No Money No Rules No Problems

Revised: No Expectations No Desire No Problems

PSPookie · #2 01-16-2012, 05:51 AM

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is classified as a fruit. Wisdom is knowing that it has no business in a fruit salad.

Sneakypete · #3 01-16-2012, 07:06 AM

Where to start? You don't know there's a God - lots of people think there is but lots of people think, in the absence of any evidence, that it's unlikely. Make your own mind up. Do your parents really try to derail you? More likely they just know more about the world than you do. I'd bet my pension they love you. In school I was in a class of 42 and in every test I came 41st.You can still build a good life with friends, a wife, children and a job - school has nothing to do with it. Repeat; NOTHING so don't use it as an excuse. Dreams are for when you're asleep - when you're awake make plans instead.
My advice (yeah, I know you didn't ask) get off the internet and read more books. Get out of the house and do your damndest to find a job no matter how 'humble'. Get to be really good at that job and better jobs will come your way. Show you have a brain and know how to use it. It's great to be young - it's gives you all the advantages you need. Don't you realise how jealous old farts like me are? You have something we can never have again. I saw a cartoon in a newspaper many years ago that really stuck with me - two old timers sitting in some shabby bar and one of them says; "I spent the first thirty years of my life thinking about all the things I was going to do and the second thirty years thinking about all the things I've never done". Don't be one of those guys! Give your parents a break - go for that meal and start talking to them adult to adult. I promise there's nothing they want more than your happiness.

tsverrir · #4 01-16-2012, 09:39 AM

You seam to be eager to get rid of your problems. There is but one way. Accept them as a part of life and start working on them, one by one. You will never get rid of all problems, but you just might see past them by stepping out of your (un)comfort zone from time to time. And never accept that anything is to late. You have all your life at your disposal (to educate yourself or do whatever). Life does not end at 25.

I wish you all the best.
No troubles => No life.

Pilgrim · #5 01-16-2012, 09:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by XtheDeadPawn

Turn 22 today not a big deal, oddly enough I don't want a damn thing,

My parents want to take me out to eat and to the movies I told them no. I am 22 can't drive, never had a real job, my dreams are unattainable in reality. I feel boxed in like nothing matters I could die today and all I'd leave behind is a bunch of songs left unwritten, a pile of CDs, and a bunch of people despite being related to me I never once let them past my "mask".

I tried suicide in the past and while I'll never attempt it again I feel just like I did on the night I tried it. I made a make shift blade from a scotch tape holder that I found lying around. I listened to StainD's album Break the Cycle and somehow stopped myself before any harm could be done. I may have been 12 or 13.

Now I'm 22 I live with "strangers" that have raised me I know there's a God but, I don't pray. I feel helpless, useless, pathethic, and appathetic to both if I die or someone else does that I know. I failed at college which I've made peace with but, everytime I try to get my life back on track my parents derail me with negativity.

I'll end with my life's motto and the revised version I made today.

Original: No Money No Rules No Problems

Revised: No Expectations No Desire No Problems

My bet is that you're suffering from depression - and that can be deadly. GET HELP. NOW.

i_got_a_mohawk · #6 01-16-2012, 10:18 AM

As has been said, get help, it sounds like you are suffering from depression.

I will also add, that sitting there, thinking the worst, will not help you.

You are 22, I know PLENTY of people older than that who don't know what to do with their lives, and I'm one of them. I know plently of people who dropped out of university and I know plenty of people who completed university, I know VERY FEW people who are making use of what they gained from university.

5 steps to success:

1# Look at the problems from the past. Accept them, and say "**** them".

2# Decide what you want to do.

3# Decide what you need to do them.

4# Make a list of what you need to do.

5# DO IT.

armywalaby · #7 01-16-2012, 10:24 AM

Join the military. I mean, maybe. It will get you out of your parents house and will show you what you're made of. Sometimes a change of perspective is needed. I only say this because you sound like me a few years ago minus the suicide attempt. I thought about it plenty because I thought there was no way for me, but I signed a contract to try a change of scenery and boy did I get it.

Maybe that isn't for you. But if you want to do things for yourself you need to be able to support yourself.

armywalaby · #8 01-16-2012, 10:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by i_got_a_mohawk

As has been said, get help, it sounds like you are suffering from depression.

I will also add, that sitting there, thinking the worst, will not help you.

You are 22, I know PLENTY of people older than that who don't know what to do with their lives, and I'm one of them. I know plently of people who dropped out of university and I know plenty of people who completed university, I know VERY FEW people who are making use of what they gained from university.

5 steps to success:

1# Look at the problems from the past. Accept them, and say "**** them".

2# Decide what you want to do.

3# Decide what you need to do them.

4# Make a list of what you need to do.

5# DO IT.

Yes, do it. By all means do it....but don't skip out by doing the easy thing.

**colcifer** · #9 01-16-2012, 10:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pilgrim

My bet is that you're suffering from depression - and that can be deadly. GET HELP. NOW.

Yep. Go see your doctor for recommendations. They'll probably give you the names of a few people and might prescribe something light to give some relief until you can see a specialist. Granted, we're not doctors (at least I'm not) and there are rules against diagnosing people based on statements like the one you made. Birthdays can be depressing anyways so this might not be a reflection of your overall state at all.

Anyhow, some good 'ole rock and roll never hurts: Grooveshark - Free Music Streaming, Online Music. People who haven't heard this album think the Allman Bros. at the Fillmore is the best live rock album of all time. It cheers me up, anyway.

Happy Birthday!

P.S. If you need book recommendations as per Sneakypete's advice, I suggest Travels by Michael Crichton (one of the best storytellers I've encountered) and The Journey of Socrates by Dan Millman (often lumped in with New Age crap but not at all crap).

Jonyak · #10 01-16-2012, 10:43 AM

It does sound like you are suffering from depression.

When I was 22, I had been living on my own for 4 years, had finished university, and was spending my time kayaking and playing music.

I never ended up using that university degree. I ended up going back to school when I Was 25.

22 is still young, and you have a lot of time to figure out what you want to do, but you need to make it happen. Noone is going to give it to you, and it won't just fall in your lap. You need to make it happen.

MatticusMania · #11 01-16-2012, 11:14 AM

Likewise, Id speak with a mental health professional and get your head sorted out. Certainly sounds like depression, and that is most likely what is holding you back. Its hard to find joy in life when you see the world through such a negative perspective. I know because Ive been there. I was about your age when I began making an effort to see things from a positive viewpoint. Its not beyond your reach, youve just got to deal with the obstacles first.

EricF · #12 01-16-2012, 11:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by XtheDeadPawn

...I feel boxed in like nothing matters...
...a bunch of people despite being related to me I never once let them past my "mask".
... I live with "strangers" that have raised me...
...I feel helpless, useless, pathethic, and appathetic...
...my parents derail me with negativity.

You admit that you shut everyone else out, yet say your parents are strangers. If you never let anyone else in, then you can't complain that no one knows you. Your parents aren't the problem. You're creating this "box" you're in with your own stubbornness and "I'm so pathetic" attitude. Life is amazing, challenging, fun, and painful for everyone. It's how we face it that makes the difference. Kick open your box and let life in.

geeza · #13 01-16-2012, 02:51 PM

There was a man who cried that he had no shoes, until he met the man who had no feet.

**colcifer** · #14 01-17-2012, 11:38 AM

Feeling any better?

steamthief · #15 01-17-2012, 01:49 PM

Find work and get your own place. Independence is the first step towards finding your self-worth, imho.

RosieB · #16 01-17-2012, 08:29 PM

First, first belated birthday.

Second, lots of good advice here. Mine? Dreams are good, and they are something to hold on to and strive for, but they are not necessarily where you start in life. Learn to drive, get a job- anything at all as a start, save up to move out. Being independent can do a world of good for your self-esteem. And talk to a doctor about your depression.

Third, start letting people in. That can help fight depression, too. Maybe just a little to begin with as you get comfortable. Get together with a friend, or someone you used to hang out with. And your parents - chances are they love you and don't understand why you shut them out. Let them take you out for your birthday, even if your not really into it. You might end up enjoying it, and it would probably mean a lot to them.

Most importantly, you know there is a God but you don't pray? Pray!!! He'll listen! Go to church. Get involved. You'll be surprised at what doors may open for you.