Any Step-Fathers About?

Casting Thunder · #1 01-26-2013, 02:27 PM

My mom's boyfriend of about 10 years is finally planning on getting engaged. He's been coming over for dinner just about every night and I think we make a pretty good family unit. The issue is that every single night he asks if I'm alright.

If I get up to use the bathroom I can hear him ask my mom if them holding hands has upset me. Even when I'm in the room he is always asking "do I need another soda? Do I want another sandwich? Am I okay?" We went to the farmer's market yesterday and I got some cheese, mom's bf got some cheese dip and let me try it, than left the one I like at my house.

I can get that he's doing all this so that I'll like him, but I already love him. He's been in my life since I was 9, he's the closest thing to a father figure I know and I'm super excited to call him and my mom "my parents". These questions are getting annoying and my waistline will be in danger if I keep giving in*.

*I just polished off that cheese dip in 25 hours.

Topspin · #2 01-26-2013, 02:47 PM

I'm no stepfather and I don't have one, but you could just sit down with him and explain these things.

Lonesomedave · #3 01-26-2013, 02:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Topspin

I'm no stepfather and I don't have one, but you could just sit down with him and explain these things.

yep....this

my stepdaughter is now grown and married, but i remember like it was yesterday the first time we met....

he is just insecure about how you feel...talk it out with him, and it will be ok.

4dog · #4 01-26-2013, 02:55 PM

Dude , i am stepfather, and as i write this im blinking back tears, listen just what you posted is something that he would love to hear, my sons , and they are mine, are two of the most awesome young men it has been my priveledge to know, and judging from your post you are just as awesome.
Now wjat you can do is tell him what youve just told us, it would make his millenium i guarantee it, just talk with him all will be well.

**Astreaux** · #5 01-26-2013, 03:29 PM

Also a step father. TALK to him! Tell him how you feel. It will help you bond closer as well. Always be honest and truthful. Never play the "you're not my real father" card either. That is very hurtful. Best of luck with your new family unit!!

Sav'nBass · #6 01-26-2013, 10:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Astreaux

Also a step father. TALK to him! Tell him how you feel. It will help you bond closer as well. Always be honest and truthful. Never play the "you're not my real father" card either. That is very hurtful. Best of luck with your new family unit!!

This.. I have two stepdaughters from both my marriages.. one barely talks to me andf I am the only father she has known.. her mother and I are divorced. The other is from my current wife of soon to be 23 years .. and I gave her away at her wedding.. Her biological father and I both walked her down the aisle but I gave her away.. It is a little different with guys though.. I'd sit down and talk to him.. tell him as long as your mom is happy you are ..

two fingers · #7 01-26-2013, 10:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4dog

Dude , i am stepfather, and as i write this im blinking back tears, listen just what you posted is something that he would love to hear, my sons , and they are mine, are two of the most awesome young men it has been my priveledge to know, and judging from your post you are just as awesome.
Now wjat you can do is tell him what youve just told us, it would make his millenium i guarantee it, just talk with him all will be well.

I am NOT a step father, but this was my first thought. If you were to sit down and just tell him "You don't have to keep trying so hard. You have already won me over. Just be my dad." Or however you want to say it. That would probably be the best thing he has or ever will hear. Just explain that you are fully behind his marrying your mom and that food bribes are not needed.

It seems as though you guys are already, and are going to be a great family. If his trying too hard to win you over when he already has is the biggest problem you guys have to deal with right now, you are WAY ahead of the game.

Heart warming stuff.

pacojas · #8 01-26-2013, 10:37 PM

my step-father was nuts! i'd say you are fortunate!

guitar ed · #9 01-27-2013, 08:16 AM

As the step-child of many.... You get the idea.

It may well be that he is just trying not be "that" step-father, the step-parent of movies and stereotypes.

Have a talk with him, without your mom. Tell him what you told us at the opening, that you think you would all make a tight family unit. Let him talk, too.

Take care,

edg

Floyd Eye · #10 01-27-2013, 08:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lonesomedave

yep....this

my stepdaughter is now grown and married, but i remember like it was yesterday the first time we met....

he is just insecure about how you feel...talk it out with him, and it will be ok.

Agree. My step daughter is also grown up and moved out. I entered her life 14 years ago when she was 9.

gearhead1972 · #11 01-27-2013, 08:27 AM

I am also a step father, and like has been said just talk to him. My step son is in our band and can sing like a mofo and that has helped our relationship a ton. I was never the kind of step dad to ask him if he was ok over and over again, but I do little things for him that lets him know I care.

tmdazed · #12 01-27-2013, 08:48 AM

it sounds like he really loves your mom and you, and is trying overly hard to ensure your blessing of their union. I came into all three stepdaughters lives at 9, 16, and 21. The youngest, i have always been mike to , which is fine with me , but she has always prefaced that with , this is my dad mike, the middle daughter has always been on some sort of high horse and used to talk her mother back constantly, I hung back because it wasn't my place to handle this situation UNTIL she made her mother cry , then i barked back loudly. She respects me and her mother , but seems to like lording over us the perceived notion they have more than us ( 2 people , her and her husband, no kids) so they can afford to travel and whatnot , the wife and I are still recovering from raising 5 kids ( her three and my two) and our prioities are different , IE we are on the downward slide to retirement so we have to nest egg , but we do ok travelling and pursuing our hobbies. The third is almost out of our influance now (unless she needs something) and all her kids call us grandma and grandpa. My kids have always called my wife by her first name but love and respect her as much as my ex wife. Blending into or the merging of two families can be a constant learning experience so a little patience on your behalf is required too , let him know you are good with things and welcome him in with open arms ( at least from what I took from your OP) he may relax a bit and enjoy it.

There are no manuals for step dads out there and most of us wander the wilderness until you all are grown and fly the coop, Mistakes are made , but take solace that he loves you and enjoy the ride

Relic · #13 01-27-2013, 08:48 AM

He's just thinking like a "dad". It's all good dude, just talk to him. Based on what you wrote, it seems like he's a good guy.

bluesbassbkf · #14 01-27-2013, 09:00 AM

I'm a stepfather and it's not easy, just talk to him, and tell him how you feel , maybe he is just that type of guy ,,

Mr L · #15 01-27-2013, 10:30 AM

As someone who has some close friends that are stepkids, just tell him whats up and that hd doesnt need to try so hard cause hes already won.

Before you do that id suggest going to GC and trying that cheesedip thing but on basses....

4dog · #16 01-27-2013, 12:07 PM

Lol a bass is better than cheese any day, unless your hungry then cheese wins of course, but when its gone its gone, the bass is the gift that keeps on giving!!

Richland123 · #17 01-27-2013, 12:48 PM

It also sounds like he wants to get your approval to marry your mother and be your stepdad but can't quite figure out the best way to approach you about it.

I have a stepson who is in his 30s now and he told me that the man who he was biologically born to is his father (and never really much in his life) but I will always be his dad, since I raised him.

Stewie26 · #18 01-27-2013, 12:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Casting Thunder

I can get that he's doing all this so that I'll like him, but I already love him. .

Like others say talk to him man to man without your mom there. Let him know that you love him. There are no stronger words you can say than that. Sounds to me like your a mature young man and the best of luck with your new family.
Edit: Just realized you are a young lady. Still have that talk with him daughter to to dad.

4dog · #19 02-07-2013, 08:54 PM

What no update, wha ' appen?

Casting Thunder · #20 02-08-2013, 09:57 AM

I've done nothing. I am utterly horrible with verbal heart to hearts, I'm more of a 'take my kidney' to show love type. Plus love and dad/father have always been really hard words for me. Right before they had their last off period I slipped and tacked an "love you" on to a goodbye and I don't want to jinx it again. 'My father' has always referred to my sperm donor (not actual donor, that's just how he's cataloged in my head) who is/was a mentally unstable abuser and couldn't be farther from what my mom's boyfriend is to me.

So yeah, I've been thinking of calling him on Father's Day and asking him about my mom's birthday which is later that month; hoping he notices it father's day which I used be mute on when I was younger because it was so awkward for me.