Bad Advice From Some of You Stranger TalkBass Members

[Bloodhammer]

Yeah, I can't top that or Tat's post!

TBOT, you are a light when all around is gelatinous!

[MakiSupaStar]

Tats and Bill's post make my pee on the mirror post seem so crass and poorly thought out.

[Ziltoid]

Bill didn't make his post up tho, I've seen it elsewhere before cheater!

[Bloodhammer]

Reminds me of George Carlin's "Keeping them on their toes" bit.

Walk into a store on Sunday and yell "ARE YOU OPEN ON THURSDAY??!!!!" and when the clerks says, "yes," yell "THANK YOU!!!!" and walk back out.

[slobake]

Walk into an elevator and push the button for every floor. Make sure that you say "Hi to everyone in a loud voice and give them gory details about your aunt Edna's gallstone operation. Run off the elevator and take another one four floors down. Then get back on the original elevator when it stops and ask everyone "Did you miss me?"

[Tat2dHeart]

Another day, another list.....

* Did something your girlfriend didn't like? Explain how your last girlfriend really loved when you did that.
* When you're in that job interview and they ask if you have any questions, ask how strict the policy on theft is.
* When the nice officer pulls you over and asks, "Are you drinking?", smile and ask, "Are you buying this round?"
* Old people enjoy giving advice; it makes up for the fact that they can no longer serve as bad examples.
* When you're having a really bad day, just picture a T-Rex trying to....um.....console himself. Yeah. OGC.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Climb in her window and leave a note on the pillow. It's really romantic. She'll love it.
* You can't get motion sickness on the Gravitron because it's going in a circle.
* Your college essays should be funny. And, you should sing the oral reports.
* Learn the Rock Moves - all five of them.
* Scissors cut paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitate lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and - as it always has - rock crushes scissors.

[bassybill]

Originally Posted by Ziltoid

Bill didn't make his post up tho, I've seen it elsewhere before cheater!

Yeah. I stole it off a mad sax playing buddy of mine. Mea culpa.

[bassybill]

Originally Posted by Tat2dHeart

* Climb in her window and leave a note on the pillow. It's really romantic. She'll love it.

My new girlfriend said she's looking for a man who is "funny and spontaneous". But when I dressed up in a clown costume and turned up at her place uninvited at midnight to tap on her kitchen window, it was all tears and screaming.

[Ziltoid]

Give children candies.

[UncleFluffy]

A whole frozen squid, mailed UPS ground across the continental USA, makes a great gift for a distant loved one.

[Steamtronic]

For job interviews, a company logo tattoo makes a great impression.

[Tat2dHeart]

Originally Posted by bassybill

My new girlfriend said she's looking for a man who is "funny and spontaneous". But when I dressed up in a clown costume and turned up at her place uninvited at midnight to tap on her kitchen window, it was all tears and screaming.

Yeah, well - we're women. We never know what we want, but we'll nearly always be angry that we're not getting it.

For future reference - spontaneous usually means that you give her presents for no reason and that the gifts get more expensive/elaborate over time. So - unless you're independently wealthy, the Tiffany earrings are not a great first gift. Stick with something more useful, like a collection of used popsicle sticks or a hand-crafted bread twistie necklace.

[JamesGoodall]

Originally Posted by Tat2dHeart

spontaneous usually means that you give her presents for no reason and that the gifts get more expensive/elaborate over time. So - unless you're independently wealthy, the Tiffany earrings are not a great first gift. Stick with something more useful, like a collection of used popsicle sticks or a hand-crafted bread twistie necklace.

Reasons I'm single.

Wait until 1a.m. of the due date to write a ten page essay for your hardest general studies course. It will turn out spectacular, and sleep is overrated anyways. Any illegal substances you might have will definitely help the quality of the paper.

[Bloodhammer]

Give her a paperclip necklace attached to a sticky note with a drawing of a jewel on it. That should set the bar appropriately low.

Don't buy flowers. You can gather them for free from hospital rooms and graves.

Chivalry and tradition are dying. Display your refinement by not allowing your girlfriend to drive or work and make her leave the room when the men are talking.

Tell her you're Doctor Love. This should get her purring. Then emphasize that you meant it literally. Make her wait in your bedroom for an hour, then walk in and ask a couple of questions and walk right back out without ever establishing eye contact.

Wear a codpiece with a circular saw blade sticking out of it. Blackie Lawless does and he gets more women than you ever will.

Listen to progressive rock. Chicks love intellectuals who can't dance.

[slobake]

Originally Posted by Bloodhammer

Give her a paperclip necklace attached to a sticky note with a drawing of a jewel on it. That should set the bar appropriately low.

Don't buy flowers. You can gather them for free from hospital rooms and graves.

Chivalry and tradition are dying. Display your refinement by not allowing your girlfriend to drive or work and make her leave the room when the men are talking.

Tell her you're Doctor Love. This should get her purring. Then emphasize that you meant it literally. Make her wait in your bedroom for an hour, then walk in and ask a couple of questions and walk right back out without ever establishing eye contact.Wear a codpiece with a circular saw blade sticking out of it. Blackie Lawless does and he gets more women than you ever will.

Listen to progressive rock. Chicks love intellectuals who can't dance.

Then send her a bill for $500.

[JamesGoodall]

Establish that you are a strong advocate of womans rights. At the end of the date, hand her the bill

[The Owl]

Play "Electric Funeral" by Black Sabbath for your date on the first date while driving to dinner. Or if you want to REALLY get her goat, The Ray Conniff Singers

[Steamtronic]

Originally Posted by Bloodhammer

Tell her you're Doctor Love. This should get her purring. Then emphasize that you meant it literally. Make her wait in your bedroom for an hour, then walk in and ask a couple of questions and walk right back out without ever establishing eye contact.

Originally Posted by slobake

Then send her a bill for $500.

On her next visit, make sure you go to rush off as soon as you are "finished" and when she asks "what about me?" tell her it's not covered in her plan, but you can suggest some home exercises.

[MakiSupaStar]

If you can't tell if a chick is fat or pregnant, just ask for the due date.

Pre-empt the enigmatic 'jeans make my butt question' by just doing women the favor and being publically forthright. 'Why did you try to stuff that giant a$$ in those ugly jeans?' or 'Couldn't you have chosen some jeans that are more appropriate for your gigantic a$$?'

Always refer to butt as 'a$$', her kitty cat as the 'c' word, and her general existence as a 'piece of @$$.'

If a chick isn't making sense, tell her to get back to you when she's not menstruating.

Always pick up on a hot underaged daughter in front of her dad. The drunker the better.

If a chick has canker sores on her mouth kiss her really passionately on the lips to show her how committed you are. It the relationship progresses, show her you trust her by not wearing a jimmy.

Always fall asleep on a chick in the middle of having sex. Chicks dig it.

Wear tighty whiteys. Especially in public. The dirtier the better. Even better if you do it with you fist stuffed into a family size bag of flaming hot Cheetos. A box of cheez-it's will do too.

Always disrespect you elders, especially in the supermarket line.

Scare the crap out of kids by hiding in their closet when their parents aren't home. Then tell them you'll kill their dog if they say anything.

Grab a cops gun, point it at him, and say 'pew, pew, pew' real loud. Then give it back to him and say just kidding. Even better if you can give it back to him with a playful kick in the nads.

Film your sister showering, and then post it on the Internet.

Film your mom showering and post it on the Internet.

Film yourself showering and send it to all their friends.

This should be a good start to a lifetime of success.

[nutso42]

Originally Posted by MakiSupaStar

Grab a cops gun, point it at him, and say 'pew, pew, pew' real loud. Then give it back to him and say just kidding.

This would be loads of fun!