Being a teenager and dealing with your parents

[Kindofblue]

I didn't really know where to post this thread and I thought here was most suitable.

First off, I am 18 years old and living with my parents still. Next year I will be going off to college to study music and living on residence or in housing. I have lived with my mom for most of my life but once I went into junior high (grade 7 and onto high school) my mom started to nit pick at me and come down on me a lot harder. Most parents are hard on their children about their academics and other practical things but now it has turned it her looking for reasons to find faults in anything I do, for instance if I am cleaning dishes and put a little too much soap, I hear about how much of a waste it is and how I don't know how to manage supplies. I can understand parents wanting to teach their kids but it is a lot more then just that and it really frustrates and angers me more then it upsets me.

My mom has never asked me anything about my music or what I want to do with it, but instead just complains about how it is a hassel for her to drive me to a music lesson or a band rehearsal. I brought up the fact that if I played hockey or basketball their would be more practices and games on top of that a week.

I don't know what I did to make her feel this way and thoughts always run through my head. She says i'm greedy, disrespectful, and that I don't deserve what I have because I don't have a job and am always out at band, teaching or just seeing my friends bands play. She says that because I am quiet and always am by myself that I avoid the whole family and that I think I am too good.

I really wish I could figure out why my mother is like this after all the things she has said to me they never really hurt that much until recently when I have come to terms with the fact that it will never change. I admit I am not a perfect child by any length but I am quiet and keep to myself, im just so tired of hearing "oh well this is what its like when your a teenager with your parents", because its not, no parent speaks to their child and insults them and then says they care about them.

I just want someone's input on this really I created this thread just to vent my anger at the time because I don't deal with anger in physical ways like some do.

[superfunk47]

That's rough, man. Even if you can accept that it'll never change, it'll always hurt. You can live your life that way, or you can try to confront the issue, but it still may never change. Just gotta do your best - all you ever can do. You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders, feet on the ground, and all that. If you ever need to talk, PM me.

[hover]

How is the dynamic with your parents? Is your Dad in the picture? Is HE supportive?

I know nothing about your household, and so far I am really only hearing your side, and it truly reminds me of typical teenage angst.

Ask yourself, in reference to the points you mention, ARE you outgoing / helpful / supportive / contribute of and to your family? Be honest to yourself first, and try to see both sides of it. When I was your age and ready to leave the house, I had many of the same pent-up frustrating feelings. As time passed, and I matured, I came to realize in many ways I really fell short of my end of things.

I guess I don't like the phrase "deal with parents". They have "dealt" with you, in no small way, emotionally, financially and otherwise, for 18 years. Show a little respect and a bit of self-reflection shoe-on-the-other-foot type stuff and get back to us.

I apologize for this stance if it offends you, but I have been a parent for 16 years, and have learned a few things being on both sides.

edit: I understand it hurts. I am sympathetic to your situation, as I dealt with alot of it myself. I have a lot of issues I had to learn from in my formative years that I pledged to never burden my children with. It's that kind of resolve you find within yourself moving forward, and as someone else said, roll with it until you find opportunity to either better or change your conditions.

Best of luck.

[Munjibunga]

Originally Posted by Kindofblue

I didn't really know where to post this thread and I thought here was most suitable.

First off, I am 18 years old and living with my parents still. Next year I will be going off to college to study music and living on residence or in housing. I have lived with my mom for most of my life but once I went into junior high (grade 7 and onto high school) my mom started to nit pick at me and come down on me a lot harder. Most parents are hard on their children about their academics and other practical things but now it has turned it her looking for reasons to find faults in anything I do, for instance if I am cleaning dishes and put a little too much soap, I hear about how much of a waste it is and how I don't know how to manage supplies. I can understand parents wanting to teach their kids but it is a lot more then just that and it really frustrates and angers me more then it upsets me.

My mom has never asked me anything about my music or what I want to do with it, but instead just complains about how it is a hassel for her to drive me to a music lesson or a band rehearsal. I brought up the fact that if I played hockey or basketball their would be more practices and games on top of that a week.

I don't know what I did to make her feel this way and thoughts always run through my head. She says i'm greedy, disrespectful, and that I don't deserve what I have because I don't have a job and am always out at band, teaching or just seeing my friends bands play. She says that because I am quiet and always am by myself that I avoid the whole family and that I think I am too good.

I really wish I could figure out why my mother is like this after all the things she has said to me they never really hurt that much until recently when I have come to terms with the fact that it will never change. I admit I am not a perfect child by any length but I am quiet and keep to myself, im just so tired of hearing "oh well this is what its like when your a teenager with your parents", because its not, no parent speaks to their child and insults them and then says they care about them.

I just want someone's input on this really I created this thread just to vent my anger at the time because I don't deal with anger in physical ways like some do.

I was afraid of this. It looks like my mother was finally reincarnated. My suggestion is roll with the punches until you move out. There's nothing you can do to change her, so you have to change yourself. Ignore it as much as possible. Once you move out, you can recover for a while and go see her when it suits you.

[arbitrary]

enter: "its not your fault". Cheesy but true.

[Munjibunga]

Originally Posted by hover

How is the dynamic with your parents? Is your Dad in the picture? Is HE supportive?

I know nothing about your household, and so far I am really only hearing your side, and it truly reminds me of typical teenage angst.

Ask yourself, in reference to the points you mention, ARE you outgoing / helpful / supportive / contribute of and to your family? Be honest to yourself first, and try to see both sides of it. When I was your age and ready to leave the house, I had many of the same pent-up frustrating feelings. As time passed, and I matured, I came to realize in many ways I really fell short of my end of things.

I guess I don't like the phrase "deal with parents". They have "dealt" with you, in no small way, emotionally, financially and otherwise, for 18 years. Show a little respect and a bit of self-reflection shoe-on-the-other-foot type stuff and get back to us.

I apologize for this stance if it offends you, but I have been a parent for 16 years, and have learned a few things being on both sides.

On the other hand, she could be psycho. (No offense intended, but I lived through it.)

[Lady Kayri]

Sounds to me like she's having her own self esteem issues, feels inadequate as a parent - and is taking out her frustrations on you. I doubt she even realizes how badly she is coming across. Perhaps some time when you feel it's safe, ask her 'why is it that you're always bagging on me the last year or so? I'm getting the feeling that you have decided I'm worthless, and it really hurts when all my mother does is nag me, without a single word of praise or encouragement any more." Of course, that may only come after you're out of the house and aren't relying on her for any income any more. Just keep your mind wrapped around the fact that the critical comments are based on HER having problems of one sort or another, not because of anything you've done or are doing.

[i_got_a_mohawk]

There is always more than one side of each story.

Go out your way more to help around the house instead of waiting to be asked and try and be a bit more sociable with family?

[hover]

Originally Posted by Munjibunga

On the other hand, she could be psycho. (No offense intended, but I lived through it.)

Munj, I agree, hence my edit. I lived in a broken household myself and moved every year from 5th grade until 11th, to either a new state or a new school. With my own parental-child *problems*... Yeah. no fun.

[Happynoj]

This sounds similar to my parents. My solution was put up and shut up, and then when I moved out I celebrated my freedom. Don't get me wrong - I love my parents and they have done more for me than I can put into words, but at the same time it was sometimes incredibly frustrating living with them, and by the time I finished school I couldn't wait to get into my own place, with my own rules.

[::::BASSIST::::]

When you live at home and your parents pay the bills, they call all the shots. I moved out as soon as I could.

My advice is to try and put forth an effort to make your mother happy. Make an effort to say something nice to her everyday. Spend an hour a day with the family (eat at the dinner table etc) and try not to be a burden. Maybe you could take the bus to band practice?

The alternative is get a full-time job and move out. But I would not do that if I were you. Best thing to do is think long-term. Get yourself educated while your parents are paying your bills. Then once you have a good job you attained through your education you'll be free from the control of your parents.

You almost have to look at as a game. Do you what you have to do to keep the parental units moderately happy and in the meantime do what you have to do to prepare for your future.

Good luck.

[EBodious]

i feel ya, man, from both sides. -wow, that sounds different then i meant it!-

as a kid (way back when) i was raised by my mom and she was a critical type too. drove me crazy. i love her and she has been there for me when i need it as an adult (yes, you never stop needing a mom, so i suggest not burning your bridges). but, i can not live near her, it would be too much contact for me. sucks to type that out, but part of growing up is learning what works for you and what doesn't. fortunately living in nyc sounds horrible to me even if my mom was a saint.

she means well, as i am sure your mom does too. i say this cause, complaining or not, she still gives you rides, supports you, helping pay for college?, she isn't kicking you out and saying good luck. believe it or not, it sounds too me like she is just worried and wants to give you survival skills (hence the "managing supplies"). is she didn't care, she would just worry about her own life. are you the oldest or youngest? seeing your kid go off on their own is very hard on a parent's psyche. i recommend trying to be sympathetic to what she can't say out loud.

ok, one cautionary tale. i hope you are not like this, but me, i still hear my mom's critical voice in my head sometimes. it is unfortunate. maybe that is too much info, but try not to get in the habit of being too hard on yourself. it doesn't help.

so now, the other side. as a parent, i hate saying it, but, i can act like this to my kids as well. we do become our parents eventually. it really, truly never feels like i am being all that harsh. i tell myself i am being helpful, i am imparting well-learned skills they will need, blah, blah, blah. i have to step back later to realize i sounded like a total icehole to them. being aware of this unhealthy habit is very helpful. and, for the record, i am not that harsh, but from the kid perspective i am sure it sucks. fortunately, thru open discussions and honesty, my kids get that i talk like that sometimes and are understanding. it really has a lot to do with how you are raised, being positive, supportive, and caring even when laying down the law is the ideal. some get closer to this ideal than others.

so, when you have kids, please try to be aware that you will, to some degree, regress to this behavior. be patient with yourself. be patient with your future kids. be patient with your folks. you are about to become an independent adult, you will find value in the lessons your mom is trying to teach you even if her methodology sucks.

good luck; enjoy your freedom.

sorry if my post is a little over the top....

[Staccato]

As a self-diagnosed 'overly-strict' parent-IMO
If you stick to the following plan, your worries at home should be few:

1. Espouse high morals and values in your parent's vicinity;
2. Police your room daily for trash, plates, and keep it clean;
3. Do far more chores or good deeds than required;
4. Complain to yourself-so nobody else can hear it;
5. Wear a smile-most of the time.

[Tommygunn]

I just drop my parents when they get out of hand...

[pacojas]

you're lucky,.. 'cause if i was your mother, i would be screamin' and whoopin' all over that ass!!! gl.

[Phalex]

IME it get's a whole lot better in a couple of years. Deal with it in positive ways ( Don't engage in self destructive behavior like so many of us did). Music is a great outlet, so is physical activity. Maybe look into Tai Chi or something? In about three more years, it'll be a whole new world. Just hang onto your sanity until then.

[username n/a]

I live with my sister, not my parents. You should try that. It's been working out pretty well for me.

[UncleFluffy]

If the situation with your mother allows it, try writing down in letter form what you wrote above. Add whatever edits you think are appropriate. Sit down with her, just the two of you, and give her the letter to read. Let her digest it without interruption.

Make it clear in your letter that you still love her and are grateful for everything she has done for you in the past, but that you're hurt by how she's behaving now and would like to understand why she's doing it.

We can only guess about why she's doing this but only she knows for sure, and you might be overlooking some contribution on your part. Talk to her about it if you can, that's the only place you'll find useful answers. Be prepared to possibly hear things you might not want to hear, though.

[Tommygunn]

Originally Posted by pacojas

you're lucky,.. 'cause if i was your mother, i would be screamin' and whoopin' all over that ass!!! gl.

Are you talking to me or the OP?

Originally Posted by username n/a

I live with my sister, not my parents. You should try that. It's been working out pretty well for me.

Yeah no... look you're a friggin veggie eater

[Bass Viking]

Originally Posted by Munjibunga

I was afraid of this. It looks like my mother was finally reincarnated.

My exact thoughts, except my mother is still alive. Critical, domineering, angry and often over the small things. It has cost her. Neither of my siblings speak to her and I try to have as little to do with her as possible.

Originally Posted by Munjibunga

My suggestion is roll with the punches until you move out. There's nothing you can do to change her, so you have to change yourself. Ignore it as much as possible. Once you move out, you can recover for a while and go see her when it suits you.

My way of dealing it was to avoid confrontation, and avoiding her, but that doesn't work with someone who has a chip on their shoulder and an axe to grind. It's not healthy always having to have your guard up. Fortunately, you'll be moving out soon so there's an end in sight. Hang in there.