Blues Rules

[Quadcam]

I figure with all the posts of people being laid off and the suck state of the economy in general. it's about time to review the rules of the blues

Most Blues begin, “Woke up this morning.”
“I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, ’less you stick something nasty in the next line: “I got a good woman—with the meanest face in town.”

The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...sort of: “Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like a rabbit and she weigh 500 pound.”

The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch. You stuck in a ditch ain’t no way out.

Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.

Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues.

You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get rain.

A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues.
A woman with male pattern baldness is.
Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues.
Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall..
The lighting is wrong.
Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad Places:
a. Neiman Marcus
b. Art Gallery Openings
c Winery
d Golf courses

No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ’less you happen to be an old black man, and you slept in it.

Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could.
Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you’re older than dirt
b. you’re blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can’t be satisfied

No, If:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. The man in Memphis lived
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund


If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it’s the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine, but only if it’s cheap
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee.

The following are not Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water.

If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely in a broken down cot.

You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

Good Blues names for women: Sadie, Big Mama, Bessie, Fat River Dumpling.

Good Blues names for men: Joe, Willie, Little Willie, Big Willie.

Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

Make yer own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.

I don’t care how tragic your life, if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it, any way you can: fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sit on it. It don’t matter how, you best destroy it.

Hey there, you can read! This too be a big ol’ problem! Most folks singin’ the Blues ain’t never had much of a chance for education. In the Blues the three R’s stand for Railroads, Runnin’, and Rehab

[Kenbuntu]

Won't happen again poppa.

[BillyRay]

"I got a woman" is a good way to start a song if you'll then extoll her virtues and how you are a sack of dirt for accepting her money while giving nothing else in return. Said woman should also live far away. See, "I Got a Woman" by Ray Charles for more info.

[rcarraher]

Originally Posted by BillyRay

"I got a woman" is a good way to start a song if you'll then extoll her virtues and how you are a sack of dirt for accepting her money while giving nothing else in return. Said woman should also live far away. See, "I Got a Woman" by Ray Charles for more info.

Yes, but brother Ray followed the rules. It goes: I got a woman, way cross town. With Ray that qualifiys as mean....how's he going to get there?

[pmaraziti]

I got a woman...once, but she's gone...

Loved the post...

[Phalex]

You can substitute the word "Country" for "Blues" and it still reads just fine.

[EricF]

"Blues ain't nuthin' more than a good man feeling down." - Blind Dog Fulton

[MakiSupaStar]

"Got Me A Woman" is the name of happy little blues ditty I wrote awhile ago.

Got Me A Woman

Got me a woman, now I’m doin’ time
I’ve got me a woman and she’s got me doin’ time
She said she loved me
said she was mine
Got me a woman, now I’m doin’ time
Lord knows what she did to my heart was a crime

I broke my back and split my hands
broke my back workin’ while she made other plans
She was a smilin’ a lyin’
And a sneakin’-round
Got me a woman, now I’m doin’ time
Lord knows, what she did to my heart was a crime

Did some thinkin’ and I did some drinkin’
drinkin’ whiskey ‘til my thoughts were stinkin’
Came home lookin’ for rest
Found her ridin’ another man.
Got me a woman, now I’m doin’ time
Lord knows, what she did to my heart was a crime

I’ll kiss the hounds of hell on my way down
Let ‘em lick the blood from my hands on my way down
Gonna go down gonna go down
down to meet my maker
Got me a woman, now I’m doin’ time
Lord knows, a heart of stone feels no pain

Got me a woman now I’m doin’ time
I’ve got me a woman and she’ got me doin’ time
She said she loved me
Said she was mine
Got me a woman, now I’m doin’ time
Lord knows, what she did to my heart was a crime

Ham – 2.28.06

[i_got_a_mohawk]

Oldie but a goodie.