Can you grow to love someone just from emails?

Root 5 · #1 11-14-2011, 02:57 PM

Do you think it's possible to grow to truly love someone even though you haven't spent much time together - all you could do was exchange emails/letters with them?

I think you can.

You may not know everything about the person, but you don't have to truly know a person to love them. Just ask any woman who's been married to and loved their "kind" and "gentle" serial killer husbands.

You may love the person you think they are, or the illusion you have of the person you think/hope they are. But you can love them.

What do you think? Do you have to have spent time together; have kissed, held hands on the sofa, and gone grocery shopping together before you can qualify as loving someone?

"Love" means different things to different people. Even professionals cannot reach a consensus on what exactly love is. One description I like and agree with is this: Love is when you put the well-being of another person above your own.

It's more complicated than that but you get the gist.

So what do you think? Can you grow to love someone you've, for the most part, only been able to correspond with via email/writing?

macaroni tony · #2 11-14-2011, 03:01 PM

Sure you can

kserg · #3 11-14-2011, 03:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Root 5

Just ask any woman who's been married to and loved their "kind" and "gentle" serial killer husbands.

Just be sure she doesn't cut you... Psycho alert.

**bassistjoe93** · #4 11-14-2011, 03:08 PM

Interesting question, I'm hoping there's gonna be some good old fashioned internet arguing... but to answer your question, I don't know. I'm only 18 so I can't say that I've ever truly been "in love" with a woman. In the teenage mind, the lines between love/lust are often blurred.

bassteban · #5 11-14-2011, 03:13 PM

Sure. Just make sure you never MIRL

MatticusMania · #6 11-14-2011, 03:14 PM

Absolutely. Even more so if both parties are actually communicating anything of substance and not just trading pictures of jibbly bits.

XtreO · #7 11-14-2011, 03:16 PM

I think you can't. Crush, sure. Love? No.

SoonerMatt · #8 11-14-2011, 03:31 PM

Sure, until you meet them.

MatticusMania · #9 11-14-2011, 03:31 PM

You underestimate love, my dear Xtreo! How about talking on the phone? Or what about exchanging emails with the same person for years, say 3 or 4? And what if those emails happen to exchange very intimate, though not sexually crude ideas?

Give love a chance, man!

i_got_a_mohawk · #10 11-14-2011, 03:36 PM

You can fall in love with who they want to portray themselves as.

The person someone portrays when online, isn't going to be the one they do in real life, IMO.

Jazz Ad · #11 11-14-2011, 03:38 PM

Epistolary romances have been happening for centuries.
Nothing new under the sun.

MatticusMania · #12 11-14-2011, 03:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by i_got_a_mohawk

You can fall in love with who they want to portray themselves as.

The person someone portrays when online, isn't going to be the one they do in real life, IMO.

While Im certain 95% of the internet is not as it seems, Id tend to believe that two people who hit it off online, and decide to foster some sort of relationship with one another, would be much more truthful, especially if they decide to meet one another at some point.

But in otherwords, Root 5... she's probably a dude.

EricF · #13 11-14-2011, 03:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by i_got_a_mohawk

You can fall in love with who they want to portray themselves as.

The person someone portrays when online, isn't going to be the one they do in real life, IMO.

It depends on the people. Two people can have very open, honest, and real coversations via the written word.

funkyebk · #14 11-14-2011, 03:44 PM

I think you can.

I worked for a company as an IT consultant and traveled all over the place, and went back to each client on an annual basis. One client in particular had an employee that I found incredibly attractive, but 1) since I had just gone through a divorce I didn't really want to start anything and 2) she was wearing a ring and had family-ish pictures at her desk. It was late October when I was there and she had a stash of candy at her desk... I would go by, ask for something work-related, steal all the bit o' honey's and leave. All the while I was infatuated with this woman and thought "man, if only I could meet someone like her".

Fast forward a year and I returned to the client with my team. When we arrived in the conference room, she came in and brought each of us a bottle of water, and a bag of Bit o' Honey's for me (and no ring this time). We talked a little that week, but it was all professional, my co-workers gave me lots of crap because they knew I liked her, but I didn't really "do" anything... cause I'm shy. really. I am.

The next week she and I began trading emails and txt messages and eventually phone calls... I found out that the year before, she had felt much the same way, and was going through a divorce herself... she just still wore the ring because it was a ring she had actually bought for herself... as a pay back for the ex's stupidity.

We both learned a lot more about each other over the next few months and when we finally did decide to meet up and spend time together in person it was... pretty amazing.

We've been together for 4 years now... last year we moved in together, but a job change put us back in Long distance relationship mode in July. It's hard to keep up, but I wouldn't trade the relationship we built up over email and txt messages for the world. It's gotten harder and harder to stay so far apart, but since the first time she came to visit 4 years ago, we've been able to get together at least one weekend a month.

We've talked and decided it was easier for us to talk about our flaws and mistakes at first, because... well the distance and the medium made it "safe". We had commonality in those... we also shared lots of hopes and fears... it was easier to be honest about those things because in the beginning, we had no clue we would be lovers in the future.

XtreO · #15 11-14-2011, 03:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MatticusMania

You underestimate love, my dear Xtreo! How about talking on the phone? Or what about exchanging emails with the same person for years, say 3 or 4? And what if those emails happen to exchange very intimate, though not sexually crude ideas?

Give love a chance, man!

The obvious argument to that is that you haven't seen the person. If I throw that card on the table I guess I've lost.

You win! You've convinced me, you can fall in love over the interwebz

carlos840 · #16 11-14-2011, 03:47 PM

I think you can "create" some sort of love using only letters and messages but IMO it will not be actual love until you do meet the person!

Love is a combination of physical attraction, character, thoughts and loads of things we dont really understand and i dont think you can get the full package without meeting face to face!

Marial · #17 11-14-2011, 03:49 PM

Yes. I met my wife online and we emailed back and forth quite a bit before we actually met. Maybe we weren't 'in love' by the time we met in person, but the seeds were certainly planted.

MatticusMania · #18 11-14-2011, 03:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by XtreO

The obvious argument to that is that you haven't seen the person. If I throw that card on the table I guess I've lost.

You win! You've convinced me, you can fall in love over the interwebz

Sure, if you define love based on physicality. Real love transcends looks. One reason why the internet has emerged as a popular dating source is because one can now interact socially without disclosing what one looks like. This allows less attractive people to be more confident, be more themselves, and attract people based on personality without looks coming into the picture. By the time a person shares photos of their less attractive selves the person on the other end has had time to get to know them, and may already have developed feelings.

Quote:

Originally Posted by carlos840

I think you can "create" some sort of love using only letters and messages but IMO it will not be actual love until you do meet the person!

Love is a combination of physical attraction, character, thoughts and loads of things we dont really understand and i dont think you can get the full package without meeting face to face!

I have to disagree on the physical attraction part. Ive met many an ugly person who has love, and not just from their mother.

XtreO · #19 11-14-2011, 04:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MatticusMania

Sure, if you define love based on physicality. Real love transcends looks. One reason why the internet has emerged as a popular dating source is because one can now interact socially without disclosing what one looks like. This allows less attractive people to be more confident, be more themselves, and attract people based on personality without looks coming into the picture. By the time a person shares photos of their less attractive selves the person on the other end has had time to get to know them, and may already have developed feelings.

I have to disagree on the physical attraction part. Ive met many an ugly person who has love, and not just from their mother.

For the record, I had my sarcasm generator off.

i_got_a_mohawk · #20 11-14-2011, 04:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MatticusMania

While Im certain 95% of the internet is not as it seems, Id tend to believe that two people who hit it off online, and decide to foster some sort of relationship with one another, would be much more truthful, especially if they decide to meet one another at some point.

But in otherwords, Root 5... she's probably a dude.

Quote:

Originally Posted by EricF

It depends on the people. Two people can have very open, honest, and real coversations via the written word.

Ok, how about this then:

"The person someone portrays when online, isn't always going to be the one they do in real life."

I'm not saying that people will always actively try to be someone else, but that they may portray who they imagine they are. Dare say, not so different from the honeymoon period when you first get together with someone.