Can you love someone and let her go?

[Tsal]

Instead of going all MM on you guys, I'm going to attempt something of a break-up thread, but I hope I can give it a slightly different spin.

You see, for the past couple of years, I've been living in a relationship with a wonderful girl. We've been doing very well, and I love many things about her - she's very kind and smart, and we share a very similar sense of humor. However, there's been a constant nagging in the back of my skull if we actually are ment to be - our world views and goals in life differ a lot, we appreciate very different things, and we don't really have much in common.

So, a few days ago we ended up in the dreaded "where is this relationship going"-talk, at the end of which we decided to break up - a rather devastating decision for us both. However, the last couple of days of soul searching, self pity and other usual break-up things have made me realize the two important things: first, that I actually do still love her, and second, that we are simply not ment to be.

So, my question to you guys is, can you love someone, yet let her go? I don't know the answer, but it seems I'm going to find out.

[Selta]

Of course you can. It just makes sense to me that you can.
If you love her, you (probably) want the best for her. You realized that you're not the best for her, so you let her go in hopes that she finds the best.
Or something like that.

[jonathan_matos5]

you either let them go or they get a restraining order.

[Linas]

I am in the EXACT same boat as you right now. Let me tell you, letting them go is not easy and i have made some stupid decisions. As good as is it feels to keep talking to my ex, i wish i hadnt done it after the break up. I wish i would have said goodbye and left it at that for at least a month or two. We arent meant to be and i am complicating things major by talking still. My advice, stop talking to her for a while, as hard as that is. Im having a very hard time letting go.

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were."

-Richard Bach

[Stumbo]

Originally Posted by Tsal

... there's been a constant nagging in the back of my skull if we actually are ment to be - .

You got what you wanted. Let her go and find someone who matches up with you better. Next time, don't wait so long to find out.

I suggest creating a document of all the pros and cons of this relationship, memorizing it and use it to do your own match making.

Figure out the bottom line on your beliefs and go from there.

If you meet someone you "like", have fun but don't get serious until you've gone through your mental checklist with them. Maybe they have their own mental checklist. Ask them what it is so you can compare.

As far as people that are "meant" to be together and stay together, ime, there will always be differences so if you agree on core values, then you work out the other stuff. In addition, people change over time so any differences that exist may go away or maybe some new differences will arise. On going dialog can smooth the way over any bumps. When one person changes and the other doesn't...well, divorce may be in the offing.

[tomhanzo]

Originally Posted by Ray Salamon

Of course you can. It just makes sense to me that you can.
If you love her, you (probably) want the best for her. You realized that you're not the best for her, so you let her go in hopes that she finds the best.
Or something like that.

+1

i have been in this boat and thats what i do. the only thing is now that you two are done you have to get away from her or you'll be like me. I commute to school with her every other day and have to hear about her boyfriend doing this and that. It sucks.

[MatticusMania]

Originally Posted by Tsal

Instead of going all MM on you guys, I'm going to attempt something of a break-up thread, but I hope I can give it a slightly different spin.

You see, for the past couple of years, I've been living in a relationship with a wonderful girl. We've been doing very well, and I love many things about her - she's very kind and smart, and we share a very similar sense of humor. However, there's been a constant nagging in the back of my skull if we actually are ment to be - our world views and goals in life differ a lot, we appreciate very different things, and we don't really have much in common.

So, a few days ago we ended up in the dreaded "where is this relationship going"-talk, at the end of which we decided to break up - a rather devastating decision for us both. However, the last couple of days of soul searching, self pity and other usual break-up things have made me realize the two important things: first, that I actually do still love her, and second, that we are simply not ment to be.

So, my question to you guys is, can you love someone, yet let her go? I don't know the answer, but it seems I'm going to find out.

Absolutely. Some may know that my wife and I have recently split up. To sum it up short:

I love her dearly, she was a good friend, was very kind, supportive, and she really is a great girl. However, we too just didnt have the same goals. well, there were a lot of other reasons, but ultimately I know that we are not meant to be. Its been a little over 2 weeks.

[Mike Money]

Absolutely...




But that doesn't mean I'm going to avoid the post-breakup "i miss you, i need you" blah blah blah stabbin' sessions.

[nickn]

Originally Posted by Linas

I am in the EXACT same boat as you right now. Let me tell you, letting them go is not easy and i have made some stupid decisions. As good as is it feels to keep talking to my ex, i wish i hadnt done it after the break up. I wish i would have said goodbye and left it at that for at least a month or two. We arent meant to be and i am complicating things major by talking still. My advice, stop talking to her for a while, as hard as that is. Im having a very hard time letting go.

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were."

-Richard Bach

+1. I too am in this situation. I still see her around campus every now and then and we say hi to each other, but other than that I don't talk to her. In the beginning I had myself convinced that I wanted to at least still be friends with her, but then I realized that it was just because I was horrified at the thought of having her gone from my life and I still wanted to hold on to what we had, not because I actually wanted to be her friend. We haven't talked at all since the breakup. It's better this way.

I know it's hard, and this isn't what you want to hear, but you just have to let go. Right now it's confusing, but in the end you'll see that you just weren't meant for each other. You will find another girl that's an even better match for you.

[Linas]

There needs to be a F'ed up relationship support group on TB.

[MatticusMania]

There is, its called the Off Topic forum.

[EricF]

Originally Posted by MatticusMania

There is, its called the Off Topic forum.

Based on what we've seen recently, it appears you are correct, sir.

[Scarlet Fire]

I've found that ending all contact is the best way to move on. If you can manage to move to a different city, all the better.

[john turner]

Originally Posted by Linas

There needs to be a F'ed up relationship support group on TB.

i agree. and it needs to be at another url.

i kid. if we can't help each other through these kinds of things (even if that help is only in the form of sarcastic laughter at each other's expense) then we're not good for much, are we?

[mike_v_s]

Originally Posted by jonathan_matos5

you either let them go or they get a restraining order.

Or they lead the cops straight to the pit in your basement.

Mike

[jonathan_matos5]

Originally Posted by mike_v_s

Or they lead the cops straight to the pit in your basement.

Mike

ahh, but Clarice had such beautiful skin.

[cassanova]

If you really love someone then you want the best for them and for them to be happy, even if that doesn't mean them being with you. Its a crappy deal and hurts like hell to have to do it, but I think its something that must be done. Ironically, when I looked back on all those I had to let go, I came to the self-realization that I was quite glad they are out of my life.

On a side note: Do a search on the 5 stages of love. Its very insightful and will help anyone who reads it gain a greater insight about love.

[MakiSupaStar]

This pretty much describes every night of the 1990's for me. The best part about letting them go was being free to find a new love the next day.

[Valerus]

Originally Posted by MakiSupaStar

This pretty much describes every night of the 1990's for me. The best part about letting them go was being free to find a new love the next day.

Thanks, Maki. You always know how to soothe a soul.

[Hoover]

Originally Posted by Tsal

So, my question to you guys is, can you love someone, yet let her go?

Yes. /thread