Child custody issue

[jady]

So it seems as though my ex is getting married again in secret (at least from me and my parents). She has known this guy for less than 2 months. I have found the evidence of a reservation in Tahoe with a wedding chapel.

My question is, is this dumb decision grounds for her being an unfit parent to give me full custody?

I have a good job, she doesn't work
She lives in the house that my parents own.
She keeps the house in a state of filth, it smells, and is not hygenic IMO.
This will be her 4th marriage.
She cheated on me.
She was still married to her previous husband when she married me

All of these things in my opinion show a pattern of instability and irresponsibility that would show me to be a better custodial parent.

Any thoughts from folks who have been through this?

[MakiSupaStar]

Originally Posted by jady

So it seems as though my ex is getting married again in secret (at least from me and my parents). She has known this guy for less than 2 months. I have found the evidence of a reservation in Tahoe with a wedding chapel.

My question is, is this dumb decision grounds for her being an unfit parent to give me full custody?

I have a good job, she doesn't work
She lives in the house that my parents own.
She keeps the house in a state of filth, it smells, and is not hygenic IMO.
This will be her 4th marriage.
She cheated on me.
She was still married to her previous husband when she married me

All of these things in my opinion show a pattern of instability and irresponsibility that would show me to be a better custodial parent.

Any thoughts from folks who have been through this?

Why is she living in the house that your parents own? Why aren't you living there instead?

[jady]

Originally Posted by MakiSupaStar

Why is she living in the house that your parents own? Why aren't you living there instead?

She has custody right now, it is the kids home. They bought it 4 years ago so it would be a bad move to sell it now so they are letting her and the kids stay there.

It also gives them more access to thier grandkids.

[Relic]

Jady - talk to a lawyer. In NJ at least, it's a very tough thing to try to get a parent (especially a mom -term used loosely) to be declared unfit, though it is possible.
Out of the negatives that you listed, the only one that would be applicable would be the conditions of the house, all others would be irrelevant, even the employment one so long as she has a steady legal income of one sort or another.
What you may be able to do with this, is to get primary custody (if you do not have that already) and/or supervised visitation for her, etc. Having her declared outright unfit though needs a little more IMHO believe it or not...

[hbarcat]

Suppose you had a good case here (and you might). Should you decide to pursue this I assume it will result in her opposing you in which case you both (and your respective lawyers) will duke it out in court. This will likely take four or five years and cost you each tens of thousands of dollars. With no guarantee that anything will be improved for either one of you (or your kids) when it's all finished.

I'm not trying to give any advice to you here, just pointing out an unpleasant probability of this course of action.

[MJ5150]

You need fully documented proof of all your allegations, and preferrably from a source besides you and any of your friends/family. Start taking pictures, gathering documentation, proof of income, etc. Make sure your opinions of her living conditions are supported by someone neutral, and meet the definitons of those words by the letter of the law. See if you can get your local health department to support you on the filth claims.

You'll need to prove instability in her ability to care for her children, not in her inability to maintain a marriage/relationship with another man. Look for dirt on the new boyfriend/husband. Has he been in jail, arrested, court orders, fired from a job, etc?

Be warned....if you run off on the "I make more than her" angle, that will come back and bite you if you end up having to pay child support.

-Mike

[jady]

Originally Posted by MJ5150

Be warned....if you run off on the "I make more than her" angle, that will come back and bite you if you end up having to pay child support.

It's not the "more than" it's that she refuses to get a job and chooses to live off the child support i pay her.

I am screwed here, she will F up our kids and there is nothing I can do about it.

[EricF]

Originally Posted by jady

I am screwed here, she will F up our kids and there is nothing I can do about it.

LAWYER, LAWYER, LAWYER, LAWYER!!!!

There is something you can do about it - everything within the law. For the sake of your kids, do anything and everything you can to make sure they are being taken care of properly. If your ex is doing things that will negatively affect your kids, you need to step in as soon as possible.

[jady]

Originally Posted by EricF

LAWYER, LAWYER, LAWYER, LAWYER!!!!

There is something you can do about it - everything within the law. For the sake of your kids, do anything and everything you can to make sure they are being taken care of properly. If your ex is doing things that will negatively affect your kids, you need to step in as soon as possible.

Can't really afford a lawyer. I did all the annulment papers through a paralegal. I need to do something though, you are right.

Is there a free law service available for us po' folk?

[DudeistMonk]

If she was still married when she married you doesn't that nullify your marriage? If so then do you have even have any legal custody options? You need to talk to a lawyer...As far as I know the only free lawyers are public defenders and this isn't a criminal case.

[pointbass]

Originally Posted by EricF

LAWYER, LAWYER, LAWYER, LAWYER!!!!

I totally agree ....

I tried the "do it yourself" approach to custody battles and it didn't work. In fact, it definitely backfired on me in many ways. As Relic stated, here in NJ it's almost impossible to get a mother to be declared unfit, although I'm not sure about California.

My battles were a very long time ago, but the obstacles apparently remain the same. I know it's expensive, but get professional help if you really want to pursue this. A hard core attorney is your best bet. And if you don't have the coin to get a great lawyer, you might be screwed ....

The fact that the kids have a secure home (provided by your parents) and a secure income (provided by you) really hurts your cause. Realizing that you are doing the right thing by your kids in giving them a stable home doesn't mean squat in court.

Your problem is that you love the kids and care about them, and to try to prove that she doesn't is darn near impossible. It's a complete drag ....

[disenchant]

I feel for you. I can't offer any advice except keep doing what's right FOR YOUR KIDS.

My hubby is on pretty good terms with his ex who is a complete idiot. We spend a lot of time fixing what she has messed up. There are times we want to declare her "unfit" because she used to take the 7-year old to R rated movies, she doesn't bathe her, brush her teeth, feed her regularly, make sure she gets to bed on time etc. But my hubby is good at talking her into stuff she doesn't want to do, and even though she is supposed to have her every day and us every other weekend it's now we have her about 70% of the time. Even she can see that her daughter is worse when she's with her, and better when she's with us.

Again, I have no advice except you're not alone.

[cheezewiz]

You have no chance without a lawyer. It may be enough to swing custody your way, but the main thing the Court looks at is the welfare of the children. The conditions may have some bearing, the fact she got married again and cheated has none. (Unfortunately)

[MJ5150]

Originally Posted by jady

It's not the "more than" it's that she refuses to get a job and chooses to live off the child support i pay her.

We had the opposite problem in my marriage. My wife's ex-husband refused to get a job he qualified for so he could pay less in child support, then he worked under the table. He was an ASE certified Ford mechanic, but took a job as "garage boy" for like $9 an hour cleaning up spills and sweeping.

Both of the kids turned 18 several years later, and guess who is the top dog mechanic at a local Ford dealership now?

-Mike

[Relic]

here's the thing though - as you read through this thread it seems like you're screwed, but you're not.

You just have to educate yourself and explore any/all options and you have to be creative.
When I was in a similar situation, I remember going through a phone book and calling up every lawyer who offered free consultations. I saw about 10- 15 lawyers, asked them all sorts of questions until I came up with a game plan based upon what I learned. Once I knew how I needed to approach things, I found one who would work with me financially. Monthly payments instead of lump sums etc etc.
Plus there are lots of approaches to bettering your custody situation. Having her declared unfit is one way maybe, but you need to explore many angles.
Don't give up, your kids are worth it!

[EricF]

Originally Posted by Relic

Don't give up, your kids are worth it!

THIS is the most important thing to remember throughout the process.

[hbarcat]

If she remarries, it's likely (depending on the specific laws in your state) that your alimony payments to her can be reduced or even ended. If she is remarrying in secret, the court looks very unfavourably on this. Judges may even tilt decisions against those who try to game the system like that.



http://www.divorcehq.com/articles/alimonysupport.html

[MakiSupaStar]

Originally Posted by jady

She has custody right now, it is the kids home. They bought it 4 years ago so it would be a bad move to sell it now so they are letting her and the kids stay there.

It also gives them more access to thier grandkids.

Yeah. You need to flip that around immediately. This is not beneficial to you. Kick her out, keep the kids. Get a lawyer.

[jady]

No alimony involved, we were only married for 3 years and she was still married to her last husband when she married me

We found this out after we had been married for 2 years. Due to this nice little fact I can get an annulment instead of a divorce. Our marriage isn't even annulled yet!!!!!!

She will be entering another bigamous marriage

[jady]

Originally Posted by MakiSupaStar

Yeah. You need to flip that around immediately. This is not beneficial to you. Kick her out, keep the kids. Get a lawyer.

It's hard to take the kids in CA without criminal issues involved. She is a master liar and manipulator. It's her gift