dealing with a miscarriage?

Microbass · #1 12-14-2009, 01:26 PM

tough situation i have here.

as a guy what can you do? the girl in question does not open up and its almost impossible to get her to think about things.

the one 'positive' outcome is that pregnancy would've been .. not an option.

she knows im here, but im pretty certain ill have to go to her.

or this really something that be swept under the rug?

Stanley Design · #2 12-14-2009, 01:37 PM

Leave it be. The more you try and comfort her, the more she'll feel angry and alone because in her eyes, we as men could never understand how she feels or what she's going through.

Give her space and be receptive, the best thing you can do for her is make her understand you're there if she needs you.

Also......no high fives and calling your buddies in front of her and saying "yeah man! Dodged a bullet there!! Let's go get drunk!"

Personally, I'd do the latter, say that and get drunk, but I know it's not the best thing for the woman and would make her pissed.

thefruitfarmer · #3 12-14-2009, 01:38 PM

tough call.....

but not uncommon.

talk when you and her feel the need.... :-(

MonetBass · #4 12-14-2009, 01:39 PM

Sounds like you care about her or you wouldn't have bothered to post this question. Definitely don't let it lie. Be there for her, and give her space. That's all you can do.

kesslari · #5 12-14-2009, 01:43 PM

Tough one here. It is a grieving process for her, and possibly for you also. Let her know you're there for her without being too much "in her space". Ask what would feel supportive to her. Read up on grieving (Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' book "On Death and Dying" is a classic in the field). Expect that the girl will not be rational for a bit - both because of dealing with with grief, and equally because of the very intense physical and hormonal shifts (now you're pregnant, WHOOPS! now you're not). So don't expect rationality, and be the rock on which she can rely.

Bob Clayton · #6 12-14-2009, 01:47 PM

is it YOUR girl or just a friend?

**peabody** · #7 12-14-2009, 01:55 PM

I've been through it and it is a very tough thing. It happens a lot more than people realize. It is a loss and should be treated like one. Everyone deals with grief a different way, so be supportive.

capnsandwich · #8 12-14-2009, 02:10 PM

My wife and I went through this a few years ago. We had twins on the way. I went to the studio for about 4 hours and called her on the way home like I always do. She told me what was happening and I stepped on the gas but by the time I got there she had already lost them 2 1/2 months into the pregnancy. She was devastated and I wad clueless on how to console her since she seemed to be really hurting inside but not really opening up about it.

It's just one of those touchy situations that we, as men, can't understand exactly. Yes, we get upset, angry, and depressed but women I think also get a guilty feeling too, since this was once inside of her. The way I handled it was that I let her know that this wasn't the end, just a bump in the road, and that I would be there for her for whatever she needed, whether it was a hug, talking, praying, etc. She was grateful and 3 years later we have an awesome 2 year old boy and a gorgeous 7 month old girl.

Just be there for her. You may not know what she needs exactly but she knows that she needs someone at the present moment.

Jared Lash · #9 12-14-2009, 02:49 PM

I assume this was going to be your baby? The OP is a little vague on this point.

I'm probably the worst person to ask. I've only loved two women in my life and the first of those two I asked to marry me when we found out she was pregnant. Had we been older I think things would have been different, but the miscarriage happened right after one of the only real fights we had and that was enough to end our engagement and our relationship.

It's almost certainly a crushing loss for her and if she doesn't want to talk about it then you certainly shouldn't try to make her. The right answer is very often the simplest one which is just to be there if and when she needs you.

MakiSupaStar · #10 12-14-2009, 03:35 PM

Just listen. Avoid unnecessary conflicts (pick your battles), and be the role model of a supportive boyfriend or whatever you are to her. Chicks talking about problems aren't necessarily looking for solutions either. Sometimes they just like to talk about problems, identify them, and then hear that you're on her side (even though every instinct in your body is telling you to jump in and offer solutions to her). Try to make her laugh. My friend and his wife went through this. My buddy was crushed too, but she was staying with us for a couple of days while doing stuff in our area. My wife and her talked a lot, and me, I just made her laugh. She still thanks us for that time period, and we're not even sure what we did.

Ericman197 · #11 12-14-2009, 06:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Microbass

tough situation i have here.

as a guy what can you do? the girl in question does not open up and its almost impossible to get her to think about things.

the one 'positive' outcome is that pregnancy would've been .. not an option.

she knows im here, but im pretty certain ill have to go to her.

or this really something that be swept under the rug?

Are you the father? If so, it's not surprising that she won't open up to you. What I can glean from your post is that in your eyes the child was unwanted, and that you're having a much easier time dealing with this than she is. Whether you've expressed these feelings to her or not, she may have picked up on it. Which is not say that what you're feeling is wrong, there's really not nearly enough information in your post, and even then we all handle these things differently. But I think the fundamental issue here is that her feelings and experience are different from yours, and that she may need more time than you to open up. You need to be available for her, and try to encourage her to keep up with her normal activities, while being careful not to smother her or press the issue.

Microbass · #12 12-14-2009, 06:16 PM

it would've been mine, yes...
a child atm would be completely unplausible, and these are her own words. i was totally shocked about the whole thing, as neither of us knew she was pregnant.

we've been seeing for 4 months. shes tough on the outside, fragile on the inside. i refused to let her spend the night herself when it happened, so i stayed with her. theres been pretty much little or no communication between us since.

seems like itll drift into nothing...

Stanley Design · #13 12-14-2009, 06:18 PM

Space and time. She'll be okay.

cassanova · #14 12-14-2009, 06:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MakiSupaStar

Just listen. Avoid unnecessary conflicts (pick your battles), and be the role model of a supportive boyfriend or whatever you are to her. Chicks talking about problems aren't necessarily looking for solutions either. Sometimes they just like to talk about problems, identify them, and then hear that you're on her side (even though every instinct in your body is telling you to jump in and offer solutions to her). Try to make her laugh. My friend and his wife went through this. My buddy was crushed too, but she was staying with us for a couple of days while doing stuff in our area. My wife and her talked a lot, and me, I just made her laugh. She still thanks us for that time period, and we're not even sure what we did.

+1

This is about all the OP really can do. He can't force her into talking about it. He can try and if that is the case then it will only lead to bitterness and resentment. She's knows he's there for her so best thing to do is what you said, just make her laugh and then maybe she'll open up to him about it.

MJ5150 · #15 12-14-2009, 06:47 PM

You have two ears and one mouth.......don't forget that when she is talking to you.

-Mike