Dear Peanut Gallery! Relationship advice: telling an ex you're with someone new

Against Will · #1 12-29-2011, 11:17 AM

So back in July, me and this girl broke up after being together for 6 years, my ex then moves to a new city for grad school. Now I'm dating this new girl and things are proceeding along and we're having fun, my conundrum is whether I should tell my ex about the new girl. We never talked about this situation, my personal rule was not to tell her about my romantic life unless she asked, but the new girl's starting to meet some people who were mutual friends of both of us and I believe are still in touch with my ex.

Considering we were together for so long, it seems respectful to at least give her a heads-up vs. one of our mutual friends telling her second hand. The ex and I are intermittently in touch, a text or email once a week or so (the new girl knows about this, and they're mostly pet/cute animal related. I've tried to set boundaries with my ex about what we can talk about). Things between me and the ex didn't end badly, nor did they end well, the relationship gave up the ghost due to old age. I have a few resentments that I'm working through, but I don't hate her, we were both sick people that are finally getting help (professionally).

So I'm crowd-sourcing this question to the Talkbass hive-mind. Tell the ex about the new girl, or let her find out on her own?

MatticusMania · #2 12-29-2011, 11:24 AM

Sounds like you and your ex are not really close any longer. I dont see why it is your duty to inform her of what is going on in your life.

MrDOS · #3 12-29-2011, 11:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MatticusMania

Sounds like you and your ex are not really close any longer. I dont see why it is your duty to inform her of what is going on in your life.

PlusOne, dot-com

Lifes too short for baggage -- move on, and FORWARD!

PSPookie · #4 12-29-2011, 11:38 AM

What business is it of hers?

My advice: less ex more sex.

MJ5150 · #5 12-29-2011, 11:43 AM

Old age?

-Mike

steamthief · #6 12-29-2011, 02:16 PM

Lose the ex, or sooner or later the new girl will bail.

macaroni tony · #7 12-29-2011, 02:21 PM

It's none of the ex's business, to be honest.

While you don't necessarily need to hide it if it comes up somehow, you don't have to go through the awkwardness of trying to figure out how to let her know

**dmonroe** · #8 12-29-2011, 02:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by macaroni tony

It's none of the ex's business, to be honest.

While you don't necessarily need to hide it if it comes up somehow, you don't have to go through the awkwardness of trying to figure out how to let her know

Agreed!

**jmattbassplaya** · #9 12-29-2011, 02:26 PM

I've always cut off ex gf's cold turkey. Keeping them around seems to cause unneeded drama and emotions to both parties which does no good and isn't fair to anyone. I wouldn't bother telling her.

Phalex · #10 12-29-2011, 02:27 PM

You aint ****in her or writing her off on your taxes, why is telling her about your new relationship your concern?

rockstarbassist · #11 12-29-2011, 02:30 PM

why in the world do you care what an ex thinks.... :wat:

rockstarbassist · #12 12-29-2011, 02:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmattbassplaya

I've always cut off ex gf's cold turkey. Keeping them around seems to cause unneeded drama and emotions to both parties which does no good and isn't fair to anyone. I wouldn't bother telling her.

^^^
no need, no point. only can go downhill and ruin s*** with your "new" S.O.

chuck norriss · #13 12-29-2011, 02:32 PM

There's something sexy, some small victory, in telling the ex yourself. On the flip side, it seems ignoble if she finds out through your mutual friends doesn't it. What would your ex appreciate most? That's what I would do. Yeah it's none of her business etc but six years is a long time. She's a meaningful person in your history, not a one-night rodeo. You may one day cross that bridge again.

Selta · #14 12-29-2011, 02:35 PM

It really depends on your situation overall. Personally, if she is still a friend, treat her as such. I assume your other friends know about the new lady? It may hurt her, it may not. if it were me, in your shoes, and she was at all a friend, I would rather tell her myself than have her find out through the grapevine. I'm friends with one of my ex's, and I still talk to the others every now and again, and it's never caused an issue with my current girlfriend.

chuck norriss · #15 12-29-2011, 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmattbassplaya

I've always cut off ex gf's cold turkey. Keeping them around seems to cause unneeded drama and emotions to both parties which does no good and isn't fair to anyone. I wouldn't bother telling her.

I'm the opposite; I keep them in my pocket.

JimB52 · #16 12-29-2011, 02:36 PM

I've already told my future-ex about the new girl. Don't delay, do it today!

rockstarbassist · #17 12-29-2011, 02:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chuck norriss

I'm the opposite; I keep them in my pocket.

then they aren't an "ex"...

someone you used to date and sleep with /=/ someone you just sleep with now bc it's comfortable/easy.

fenderhutz · #18 12-29-2011, 02:38 PM

If you are still friends tell her in casual conversation. But don't gloat how things are awesome and cool. If you don't talk to her much what's the big deal. You shouldn't even care unless you still have feelings for her. That's an entirely a separate issue.

macaroni tony · #19 12-29-2011, 02:42 PM

fendedrhutz: thank you so much for not saying "a whole nother issue." I know it was hard

rockstarbassist · #20 12-29-2011, 02:42 PM

even harboring enough feelings that you have the desire to let her know or inform her you've "moved on" means she still pwns you inside enough that you have to or want to tell her, which means she wins.

hope your new girl knows about all this...................

my last ex is on block on my phone AND thru my cell provided because she's nucking futz. i don't pine for her deep down inside and want to tell her a few months later i've moved on...