Deep Stupidity, and many confessions...

santucci218 · #1 04-11-2008, 07:38 PM

Disclosure - Im going to first off say that reading this is a total waste of time, its just a rant by me about me.

In the past 3 weeks i had an old friend come back into my life. Name doesn't matter i suppose, but shes a girl i used to like, whom used to like me, though, we never did date. While she did like me, she always had another guy around whom she would date. I used to joke around with a friend saying i was her rebound temp bf.
Well out of the blue she called me 3 weeks ago. Funny hearing from her after about 4 months. She had just broken up with her last boyfriend and she was glad to have her freedom back. The boyfriend didnt like me much so she was not allowed to talk to me.

I missed her. I was glad to hear from her again, and, being single for a long while, i saw it as an opportunity. I starting talking to her a lot and we ended up liking each other again.

She kept picking on me because of the things i do. Mainly the problem i have with girls. I'm a lonely kid, but luckily unlucky. I have enough looks, personality, and charm to get what i want most of the time. I had a big problem for a while where i would start talking to girls, hang out with them, not have sex with them, but either make out with them or whatever, than stop talking to them. A lot of those girls liked me when i stopped talking to them. I used to try to project what i wanted these girls to be on them, than when i realized i was mistaken and thats not who they were, i moved on. I did this too much, way too much. Needless to say my reputation, as it will, came with me to this girl.

I talked to her about it after a few times of her bringing it up that i really didnt appreciate it. I actually liked this girl and i would never do that to her. EVER. It takes a lot for me to like a girl and respect her enough to bring her around my friends, which i did. She finally let it go, but wasnt so sure on liking me because of my history of this. i got her to trust me mostly though.

After a sappy week and a half i get bent over and ******. Her ex bf gets some word of mouth about her being happy and isnt having it. He starts talking to her again. They meet up to talk and he ends up kissing her. Now shes torn between me and him. Paul, new kid who im really enjoying talking to, or the old bf who screwed me over, but i do have history with.

Well she just didnt know what to do. So she trys not to decide just yet. I mean, she admitted that she would date me till he called, than as soon as he comes back in the picture, i got bumped.

Three roads. She can date him, she can date me, she can flick us the middle finger and go solo. So now im in limbo if you will. She doesnt know what to pick and a million things are running through my mind. Will she pick me? Am i being nicer to her than he is? How does she feel today? How do i feel today? When will she make a decision? Will she make the right decision!? What should bE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*(Y@#$N(@#N*O%&YO*&B#$P(CN@!&#thc N$XO*U!@YTFB#H*O$XNY#@$

My mind is about to explode. I call her today to talk, just normal talk. Shes at her moms for the weekend so i cant really see her. Anyways, another thing you should know about me is that im totally immature about a few things and waiting is one of them. I dont have patience to save my life. I told her a few times that we should just be friends so that it would be easier for her to pick what to do, but i never meant it. I wanted to be with her, why would i push her away?

So anyways, i call her today and am talking to her and i totally lose my mind. I tell her of how i cant be waiting around and how i feel about it all. So now her response. Basically she could have said anything and it would have turned me insane. She told me what i didnt want to hear, which was that she didnt know what to do still, and while it went into my ear, it went straight through my brain and distorted it.

I get off the phone with her and go on my computer here. i text her phone and i literally go insane. i say all this stupid stuff and tell her how i dont have any room for any more friends in my life. I just want a girlfriend and she makes everything too hard and blah blah blah. Finally after basically screaming this stupid stuff at her i call her because she says she is shutting off her phone and i cant have simplicity like that. I call her and dont know what to say. She says its ridiculous. It totally is.

I dug myself in the worlds biggest hole today and now im at the bottom screaming for help. I didnt say sorry to her for all this because now she thinks im the guy everybody said i am. what is a sorry from me going to change? She is texting me right now about how she feels, and of course they are all negative to me. Most of which i dont even have a response to. I dont text her back if i dont know what to say.

Now the point of this post. I am a product of this environment. I can no longer salvage the wreckage that i just made, but i can try to learn from it i hope. I grew up in a weird household. My mom has 2 kids to two different guys but was never married. The fatherly figure i had was trash and ended up getting kicked out for choking my brother when he was 15 or so. I kind of grew up in fear for most of my life. I moved out of my moms house when i was 16 because she didnt pay the bills and i couldnt take it. Thankfully i had friends to help me, and now my grandparents.

So my question for you guys is how do you know when and how to change who you actually are for the better good of yourself, because i need it, badly.

Thanks a lot for whoever did read this.

Paul Santucci

SundanceChile · #2 04-11-2008, 07:57 PM

Meditate, stop talking to her for a day or two, sort things out in your head, then sit and talk with her to explain why you reacted the way you did. Simple and straight forward.

Jeremy Crockett · #3 04-11-2008, 08:03 PM

Stop being a chump...

honestly.

santucci218 · #4 04-11-2008, 08:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SundanceChile

Meditate, stop talking to her for a day or two, sort things out in your head, then sit and talk with her to explain why you reacted the way you did. Simple and straight forward.

thanks man. Sounds good. But how do you prevent from even acting that way in the first place?

santucci218 · #5 04-11-2008, 08:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OctoberMooN

Stop being a chump...

honestly.

Im all for stating my opinion, but that is horrible advice. At least give me some detail as to why i am such and what you think i could do to fix it.

I didnt ask for your sympathy so dont talk to me like that.

Valerus · #6 04-11-2008, 08:06 PM

By "STFU". In acronym form.

If you feel the need to say some random crap that you'll regret later on, just don't say it in the first place.

If you have the urge to say it, and are about to say it, punch yourself in the nuts.

KeithBMI · #7 04-11-2008, 08:15 PM

Ugh. If a girl makes you write a novel-length thread on TalkBass... She's not worth your trouble.

If it was me... I'd let her go. You're a good looking kid, you have a lot of time to meet girls.

santucci218 · #8 04-11-2008, 08:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KeithBMI

Ugh. If a girl makes you write a novel-length thread on TalkBass... She's not worth your trouble.

If it was me... I'd let her go. You're a good looking kid, you have a lot of time to meet girls.

why dont you come over some time keith?

santucci218 · #9 04-11-2008, 08:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Valerus

By "STFU". In acronym form.

If you feel the need to say some random crap that you'll regret later on, just don't say it in the first place.

If you have the urge to say it, and are about to say it, punch yourself in the nuts.

hmm. punch myself in the nuts. ill try doing that next time, mentally, not physically.

KeithBMI · #10 04-11-2008, 08:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by santucci218

why dont you come over some time keith?

Are you hitting on me?

...But if I'm ever in the state I'll come visit.

IconBasser · #11 04-11-2008, 08:27 PM

paul, did you get a driver's license yet?

Valerus · #12 04-11-2008, 08:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by santucci218

hmm. punch myself in the nuts. ill try doing that next time, mentally, not physically.

no, physically.

jonathan_matos5 · #13 04-11-2008, 08:35 PM

wow you remind me of me.

the girl in my story ended up with the other guy and it took me entirely too long to get over it, but i think i learned from my chump ways. im starting to move into the love the one you are with philosophy.

jady · #14 04-11-2008, 08:43 PM

Until you can tame and deal with these emotions (anger, impatience, love) you should just chill for a while. Even if you did dig yourself out of this hole you would probably blow up about something else. Your young, you will get better with these things as you get older.

Any love that you "NEED" is not love, it is lust mixed with obsession and teenage hormones. Prepare for a gnarly ride on this mix.

Until you can live without her, you will never be able to live with her.......

[EDIT] And you like Frank Zappa, chicks can sense it, they usually hate him.

santucci218 · #15 04-11-2008, 08:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jady

Until you can tame and deal with these emotions (anger, impatience, love) you should just chill for a while. Even if you did dig yourself out of this hole you would probably blow up about something else. Your young, you will get better with these things as you get older.

Any love that you "NEED" is not love, it is lust mixed with obsession and teenage hormones. Prepare for a gnarly ride on this mix.

Until you can live without her, you will never be able to live with her.......

[EDIT] And you like Frank Zappa, chicks can sense it, they usually hate him.

It was funny how you said prepare for the ride. the guy at work asked me what was up and when i told him he said hes been doing it his whole life, and i got a good laugh out of it.

Anyways, thanks jady and john and otherss

IconBasser · #16 04-11-2008, 09:03 PM

no, seriously. Didja get your license yet?

santucci218 · #17 04-11-2008, 09:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IconBasser

no, seriously. Didja get your license yet?

I bought a car AND scheduled my test for the next available date - the 23rd WOO wish me luck.

Jeremy Crockett · #18 04-11-2008, 09:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by santucci218

Im all for stating my opinion, but that is horrible advice. At least give me some detail as to why i am such and what you think i could do to fix it.

I didnt ask for your sympathy so dont talk to me like that.

So you'll hear opinions as long as they're of the "Awww! poor santucci" variety. But telling you to sack up and be a man is off limits?

Don't sit there and say you're not crying for attention and sympathy after posting twelve paragraphs of E/N.

Listen, your childhood was screwed up. You were thrust into the role of being a man before you were capable mentally and physically. And for that I am sorry.

Do not make the mistake of protracting your adolescence. By that I mean do not take advantage of your grandparents. Are you gainfully employed? Are you paying them rent? Do you do your own laundry? Can you move out and be really and truly on your own in any reasonable amount of time?

If the answer to any of the above-mentioned questions is "no" then you need to do something about it post-haste.
The fact of the matter is that it doesn't matter why you are the way you are, you need to deal with who you are now. And now you are an 19 year old adult male.

Women are unimportant in your life at this point in time. You have enough to deal with and no woman is going to make your life better, right now.

Forum rules prohibit me addressing your spiritual needs, but I'd be more than happy to discuss them with you via PM if you're so inclined.

I'm only being a hardass because that's what you need.

From what I've read of your posts, you seem a pretty decent young man, that's the only reason I responded to this kind of thread in the first place.

santucci218 · #19 04-11-2008, 09:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OctoberMooN

Do not make the mistake of protracting your adolescence. By that I mean do not take advantage of your grandparents. Are you gainfully employed? Are you paying them rent? Do you do your own laundry? Can you move out and be really and truly on your own in any reasonable amount of time?

I'm only being a hardass because that's what you need.

From what I've read of your posts, you seem a pretty decent young man, that's the only reason I responded to this kind of thread in the first place.

To answer your questions, I am working like 36 hours a week at a music store. I dont pay them rent, but i help them out all the time. I do my own laundry, lol. and I could move out soon, my friend wants a room mate, but im not sure if i should do it.

Anyways man, thank you.

Jeremy Crockett · #20 04-11-2008, 09:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by santucci218

...I dont pay them rent, but i help them out all the time. I do my own laundry, lol. and I could move out soon, my friend wants a room mate, but im not sure if i should do it.

You'd find the benefits of it outweigh the burden.

Dang! This place looks nice:

http://www.apartmentfinder.com/detai...x?aptid=221978

PA rents are much more reasonable than CA.

Quote:

Originally Posted by santucci218

Anyways man, thank you.

Happy to help. Now quit annoying your grandparents and move out!