Do I kick my son out?

TnTxCo · #1 10-08-2012, 06:26 PM

First off, I created this profile just for this thread... I'm a supporting member and have been part of the TB community for many years, I just didn't want my supporting membership to be immediately evident in this thread and wanted to protect my identity and his. Sorry mods, please understand.

Here's the deal. I moved out of state last year for a job, after being laid off for nearly 6 months. In July, my 19 y/o son moved in with me. He didn't do well in his first semester in college and had gotten in trouble for possession of weed and had been kicked out by his mother for throwing (what I've heard was) an epic party. It's just the 2 of us. We have no family within 12 hours of here but he has a handful of friends he's made since moving here.

I gave him 2 rules for living with me, "don't smoke weed" and "work and save money to pay to retake the classes you flunked" I came home from work early this afternoon and... you guessed it, he's smoking a bowl on the patio.

After he moved here, knowing my rules, he thought getting a medical marijuana card would make it ok... (It does not, he applied to get one, but since I know he doesn't have cancer, glaucoma, migraines, PTSD, die-a-beetus or hang nails; It makes no difference to me) The first time he broke the rule, I asked him to leave. I made him take some of his stuff and his cat and leave, told him to come back the next day to pack the rest...

... that was a half empty threat. I wanted him to spend a night on a couch or in his car and realize what he was about to lose, when he returned, I was ready to allow him to stay, if he abided by the rules...

It didn't last that long. 6 hours later he called, he had left the cat in his car while he went into Wal-Mart to use the bathroom and someone called animal control. He told them what had happened and they were going to take him to jail for animal cruelty/neglect unless I agreed to take the cat back. I agreed and The officer and my son brought the cat back. After the office left, and I chewed him out some more, I let him stay...

He got a job, he works there and helps around here... I like having him here. Of course he does stupid things that every 19 year old kid does, but he's generally a good kid.

Now, I'm not going to get into the right or wrong legal or not arguments for pot. I don't smoke and don't associate closely with people that smoke on a regular basis (or regular enough for it to be evident) I don't associate closely with people that get drunk every day or have gambling addictions either.

So TB friends, what advice do you have for me? I don't want to kick him out... in fact I rely on him to handle things when I'm not here... I'm at a loss...

TnTxCo · #2 10-08-2012, 06:30 PM

Why am I posting here, and not TALKING to my son about this you ask? He left for work. We did talk before I told him to just go to work (which he walked to by the way...)

MJ5150 · #3 10-08-2012, 06:32 PM

You made the rules, enforce them or you'll just be a hollow pushover.

-Mike

bassinplace · #4 10-08-2012, 06:34 PM

Sounds like you're questioning your own ground rule. That would lead me to think maybe his pot smoking isn't having such an adverse effect on him or you or the household? I wouldn't recommend reversing your stance as that wouldn't set a very good example, imo.

Sounds to me like maybe you should just quietly monitor the activity and see if he's holding up his responsibilites. If not, then you have to bring the hammer down on it again but this time firmly without relenting in any way.

FWIW, I don't have kids, so that's the best advice I can give. Just trying to help. Hopefully someone with more experience in the field will chime in. Stand firm and good luck.

nickbass79 · #5 10-08-2012, 06:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MJ5150

You made the rules, enforce them or you'll just be a hollow pushover.

-Mike

Agree.

tplyons · #6 10-08-2012, 06:36 PM

Have you asked him why he enjoys the pot? Have you tried to understand his point of view? I'm not saying that he's right, but it helps to have an understanding of why he makes his decisions.

Have you explained your disdain for the drug? Do you have personal reasons for disliking it?

Just some food for thought...

pacojas · #7 10-08-2012, 06:38 PM

yup!

it will feel great after you get over the guilty vibe. he'll be better off after he get's over the rejection. don't end up like my best (life-long) buddy. his son is 30yrs old and is a couch potato who's addicted to "W.O.W.". last year he tells him to move out within one year,... guess what,... he's still on that couch 15mos later!

livinitup0 · #8 10-08-2012, 06:41 PM

He helps out, works, is generally a good 19-yr old kid who you love (I assume) and enjoy having around...

And youre asking if him smoking pot is grounds for making him homeless....um... My opinion is no.

CrewsControl · #9 10-08-2012, 06:41 PM

If kicking him out was really off the table all the while, then that's why it didn't work.

What if confiscation of the weed and paraphernalia should be the penalty for being discovered smoking at your house? You don't have to search his room or do any jackboot stuff like that. If you catch him smoking weed, anything he's got on his person is forfeit. You'll catch him a few times with more joints or the rest of the bag in his pocket, and after a loss or two like that, he'll smoke elsewhere. I don't think there's anything reasonable you can do to control his smoking elsewhere.

If you don't think you can make him turn over the contents of his pockets, though, then I think you might be stuck between a rock and a hard place. I think then you'll have to reconsider actually kicking him out, or tolerating the pot smoking.

SwagAttack · #10 10-08-2012, 06:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tplyons

Have you asked him why he enjoys the pot? Have you tried to understand his point of view? I'm not saying that he's right, but it helps to have an understanding of why he makes his decisions.

Have you explained your disdain for the drug? Do you have personal reasons for disliking it?

Just some food for thought...

This is probably important. If you kick him out, there is a good chance he will only abuse it worse than he does now. If he keeps his responsibilities in order and still smokes, I don't see it as much of a big deal. People can smoke and still be productive and intelligent.

bottomzone · #11 10-08-2012, 06:43 PM

If you really believe in your rules, stick to them. He has to know that you really mean what you say. If he doesn't obey your rules, he has to deal with the consequences of his own actions. Tough love isn't easy!

A Groove is a Terrible Thing to Waste!

livinitup0 · #12 10-08-2012, 06:46 PM

I don't see why you can't just say "I don't want to see it and I'm not bailing your ass put of jail if you get caught"

If you dont see it and he takes the responsibility for doing it then I dont see the issue... Yeah he's your kid and you don't want him doing that stuff but he's going to do what he wants... living with you at least there's some structure there as opposed to living in his car or on his pot dealers couch.

Indiana Mike · #13 10-08-2012, 06:49 PM

Man... If he's generally a good kid and hasn't went over the top I would keep trying to get thru to him .

You have every right to ask him to conform to your rules and do what you expect him to do or not do . Your trying to help him become a self sustaining person and your doing it the way you know how.

Throwing him out at this point may do more harm than good . If you do you really won't be there to mold him.

If he was stealing from you , physically threatening you or hurting you , coming home to strange people in the house ,did i mention theft? not helping around the house etc... He should go. My daughter had to go because of drugs and the fact my change jar was always empty and I've replaced every door in my house and have become an expert drywall patcher fixer. She moved in with her friends at first the with her mom and has been clean and sober for several years now. My experience was theft ,destruction and deception . I couldn't handle anymore

However if he makes enough money to get his own place maybe it's time for him to stand on his own . This may just lead to more partying ,never going back to school and a failure to move up.

Your in a tough spot . Good luck.

line6man · #14 10-08-2012, 06:56 PM

Barring special circumstances, I would not permit anyone to live with me that did not abide by my rules. You gave him the conditions for living with you, and he deliberately went against them. If he shows interest in shaping up and taking you seriously, perhaps he can be given a second chance, but if there is any more trouble, I'd kick him out immediately and entertain no further possibility of him coming back.

line6man · #15 10-08-2012, 06:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by livinitup0

I don't see why you can't just say "I don't want to see it and I'm not bailing your ass put of jail if you get caught"

If you dont see it and he takes the responsibility for doing it then I dont see the issue... Yeah he's your kid and you don't want him doing that stuff but he's going to do what he wants... living with you at least there's some structure there as opposed to living in his car or on his pot dealers couch.

It's an issue of respect. Or at least that is how I see it. The OP laid down the rules, and his son broke them.

livinitup0 · #16 10-08-2012, 07:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by line6man

It's an issue of respect. Or at least that is how I see it. The OP laid down the rules, and his son broke them.

And if it wasn't his son then it would be a pretty clear cut decision... But it is and it's not.

MJ5150 · #17 10-08-2012, 07:03 PM

Our child or not, we enforce the rules that are made in our house.

In our case, our son is old enough to live on his own. If he doesn't want to follow the rules in our house, no one is forcing him to live here.

-Mike

livinitup0 · #18 10-08-2012, 07:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MJ5150

My son or not, I enforce the rules that are made in our house.

-Mike

I still don't understand the real issue here I guess... If the kid was just sitting at home doing nothing and smoking pot and doing nothing to enrich their life or cut their dependence on dad then yeah I'd agree... But again,.. He works, helps out.. Yadda yadda. Doesn't sound like the typical lazy burnout kid to me.

I think it would be better if the OP used this opportunity to really try to help his son figure out a long term, motivated life plan. Give him something to focus on... He's probably smoking out of boredom anyway... Or (more likely... Even if its unconsciously) maybe to help cope with having no idea what the hell he's going to do with his life

Floyd Eye · #19 10-08-2012, 07:22 PM

You made the rule, you need to enforce it. If having a loving home isn't important enough for him to stop smoking weed at your house, then he is the one making the decision isn't he?

TnTxCo · #20 10-08-2012, 07:22 PM

That's just it, I don't really believe in the consequence.... Like you guys mentioned, I'd rather him sleep here than on his dealers couch...

Why does he smoke? He says he enjoys things more... He more creative... He's less bored... Etc etc... Does why he enjoys matter? No. Why do I have my opinion? I know some people can be productive and smoke, but I've never met one. I'm a musician, I've known a few potheads... Yes I've smoked, it puts me to sleep or makes me paranoid... No I never tried it around him (or drank to excess around him)

Keep the advice coming... You guys are helping.