Do I kick my son out?

[MakiSupaStar]

Originally Posted by LarryO

Work, School, 5 year plan.......convince me that I should continue to invest MY money in you

I think this is a legitimate conversation as well. Especially after you've established the living arrangements.

[electracoyote]

Originally Posted by Gaius46

Tossing the kid out for first offense pot use seems extreme to me, especially given that pot use isn't the crime it once was. OP may have been better served by saying "No pot use" and using an escalating set of punishments rather than going nuclear on the first offense.

Throwing him out also seems to me to be a cop out. An easy way to get rid of the problem rather than do the hard work of dealing with it. If the kid's proven a hard case and after actually trying won't step up - that's different. But first time out of the box?

Though I agree with these sentiments, I think you should read the OP again. I got the distinct impression that the son used up his chances with mom and is now repeating the scenario with dad, even to the point of securing a medical marijuana card to promote his stoner lifestyle, which he has brought into the dad's home. Dad made a half-hearted effort at asking him to leave, then went back on his word, and is now once again facing more incidents of willful rule breaking in his home.

Age 19 is kind of late in the game to be engaging in a battle for the heart and mind of your son. Maybe the kid just wants to flop with his buddies, live hand-to-mouth, take his time and think about his future, and fire it up whenever he likes. Which is just fine, I don't see the harm in that at all--if it takes place somewhere other than his dad's house. If the son can't play by dad's rules, he should go live a happier, unencumbered life elsewhere. It might be best for both of them.

[electracoyote]

Originally Posted by Gopherbassist

He's doing something that you don't allow in your house, it seems with intent to do it on a regular basis. I'd say you should probably kick him out. You don't have to be mean about it or treat it as a punishment though. He's an adult, he has to live with the results of his actions. However, you're still his dad. When you're evicting him, make sure he knows that he has you as a support. Help him find an apartment, help him pack, help him move into the new place. Make sure that he does all of these things.

I'll say it again, he's an adult, it's not your place to tell him "you're being bad." He agreed not to do something and he did it, so the agreed upon outcome needs to come.

+1

It doesn't have to be adversarial at all.

I like Maki's contract, which doesn't even need to be a legally binding document, these are two adults, they should be able to outline the talking points and shake hands on it.

If the son can't meet dad's expectations, time to carve out your own place in this world, son. As your dad, I'll give you a hand as you make other living arrangements.

[MatticusMania]

Sounds to me that the OP realizes his son is going to smoke pot regardless, and is asking him not to smoke at home. Seems reasonable enough.

I can see not wanting to kick his son out and its clear to us, and his son, that it was an empty threat. So what now?

I really like Maki's idea, essentially renting the room in the OP's house out to his kid as a tennent, though how to enforce the house rules could still be a problem if the OP doesnt have it in him to actually kick his kid out. Yes, he'd have less money for pot, but will most likely still be able to get some.

As for school, well I wouldnt suggest the OP's kid go back to school right now. He doesnt seem to have the focus or drive at this point... could be various reasons behind that. Until he has a sense of direction school will likely be a waste of time, energy, and money.

Apparently he has himself a job, best I can think of is tax him and present some sort of motivation to better himself and get out of your house.

[FrenchBassQC]

Originally Posted by spade2you

Weed makes you smarter and cures AIDS and world hunger. I saw it on a TB pro-weed thread, so it must be true.

That's too funny but of no help

[Simo98]

Originally Posted by MakiSupaStar

Here's what I would do. Offer him a room to rent, for x amount, but make the amount cheaper than most other places. If he rents a room from you point out that there's no smoking of any kind, he pays for 1/2 of some of the utilities and perhaps groceries. He signs a lease agreement. At this point, make the point to him that he is an adult tenant living with you. Tell him that your days of fathering him are done (of course we both know they're not), but if he violates the lease in any manner then he can consider that his 30 day notice. Also point out that he's welcome to go and find a better room for a better rate somewhere else.

Great idea, I wouldn't bother with a lease agreement, simply due to the paperwork and admin required, however this is essentially how I live with my parents.

Sure, if I lost my job and couldn't pay the rent for a couple of weeks they'd probably cut me some slack, but I wouldn't be freeloading for long.

Also, under this agreement, so long as the smokes outside I really don't see a problem. Obviously it's your decision to make though. If he moved out, what would he be doing?

Originally Posted by sloasdaylight

That's nice. When you enter the workforce working for some one, that attitude come in, and plops itself squarely on your face again.

Cherry picking much? Read the whole post, and working for someone where you are under an agreement to do what you are told within certain boundaries in exchange for money is hardly the same scenario as someone simply pushing you around because they can.

Besides, this depends where you work. I don't know about in the US, but in Australia we have a lot of small business and a lot less power hierarchies of managers telling other managers what to do. I've not had a boss yet who doesn't want you to think for yourself.

[Inverse Kinetix]

Originally Posted by DwaynieAD

yeah, more "cool" parents is what we need. obviously that's working out well with all the piece of crap teenagers they're churning out at record numbers. give me a break.

Obviously your idea of "cool" is way wrong.

Rethink what being cool means, then my post will jive with you.

[sloasdaylight]

Originally Posted by Simo98

Cherry picking much? Read the whole post, and working for someone where you are under an agreement to do what you are told within certain boundaries in exchange for money is hardly the same scenario as someone simply pushing you around because they can.

Besides, this depends where you work. I don't know about in the US, but in Australia we have a lot of small business and a lot less power hierarchies of managers telling other managers what to do. I've not had a boss yet who doesn't want you to think for yourself.

If you're living with someone who doesn't charge you rent, then you're in a very similar scenario.

[Brad Johnson]

Moving out doesn't have to be so bad... there's a big old world just awaiting to coddle you just like mom and/or dad used to.

Unless your child is genuinely stupid, there comes a time when you've talked enough IMO IME. Idle promises/threats just get ignored. That's why, with my child, I didn't traffic in them.Neither did my dad and I'm very thankful for the lack of ambiguity.

It was a simple rule. As an adult who has a choice of where he lives, because dad isn't forcing him to stay there, I don't see the problem with option B. Move.

Smoking like so many things in life is a choice that has things tied to it. As an adult, make the choice based on that. Might as well stop the child/adult waffling now. Pick one and be one. I could have this conversation with my son with no animosity and he'd understand because like my dad, that's how I raised him.

[Simo98]

Originally Posted by sloasdaylight

If you're living with someone who doesn't charge you rent, then you're in a very similar scenario.

That's how I always saw it until I started paying my own way.

Now my 12 year old brother gets to mow the lawn instead

[TOOL460002]

The problem with smoking weed all the time is the lost potential. By that I mean that it isn't as physically dangerous as using needles. Medical cards are nice "get out of jail free" cards, but they also make you more bold as far as when, where, and how often you smoke. Clubs are also expensive and will eat your son's wallet.

That said, for your son to have success in school, he must have that potential. He needs to rebound from a failed semester and succeed, and feel good about doing that. He will gain respect from himself and others, and that is where you need him to be. If you can help him with this one step, then I truly believe momentum will keep things rolling in a positive direction.

If you need someone who has been in the exact same position as your son, feel free to message me (or I can give you my email). I too let drugs ruin school and my home life (got kicked out as well). I am also past all of that and am currently succeeding in school and in other areas of my life that I value and I do not abuse chemicals anymore.

Last comment: Don't push your son into the streets if it'll be a dangerous situation for him. Your threat was a good test, and although it didn't work right away, he will want to come back to a loving home at some point. You can't hide from your true self and your love for your family.

Tough love. But don't be too harsh. It's complicated.

[Downunderwonder]

Originally Posted by TnTxCo

Does why he enjoys matter? No. Why do I have my opinion? I know some people can be productive and smoke, but I've never met one. I'm a musician, I've known a few potheads... Yes I've smoked, it puts me to sleep or makes me paranoid... No I never tried it around him (or drank to excess around him)

All of this is true to my experience. Productive smokers? I'm sure they exist too but there is no doubt in my mind it kills ambition in kids.

The tendency to paranoia is likely genetically inherited.

I only read the first couple of pages but Mr Foxen seems to have a good handle on the situation. Rules of the house is the rules of the house, kiddo needs to respect that. You say he's a good kid, he should have the smarts to get it.

[DwaynieAD]

Originally Posted by Inverse Kinetix

Obviously your idea of "cool" is way wrong.

Rethink what being cool means, then my post will jive with you.

no, you were pretty clear, you were talking about a buddy, not a parent.

[turbo chicken]

If he isn't being a productive or working a plan to get where he wants to be in life...

then the MJ is bad...

If he has a plan and is working it and being productive ... tell him you don't want it in the house because of the legalities **Edit:nevermind you live in one of those states. Well it's your rulez then or he has to leave.***

Working part time and smoking MJ all day is not a plan... if he wants to do that he can get his own place in town as he's achieved his goals already.


up until a few weeks ago... i was a smoker ... a responsible productive smoker we are out there. but I didn't smoke all day every day... cause that will make you lazy.

There's a time an place for everything. Even smoking!

[jackcassruce]

love your kid unconditionally , he probably loves you that much . I fired my son from a job 12 years ago because of a drug problem , he hasn't talked to me since . It was one of the biggest mistakes in my life . You help someone by helping them , not kicking them out .

[Lady Kayri]

I agree with lots here, Maki's plan seems the most likely to work. And even if he's renting, he still has to follow the 'no smoking on the premises' rules. Lots of landlords add into the rental contracts lists of thengs you can't do to their property, like keep pets, knock big holes in the walls, etc. I would also suggest that you at least suggest to him that if he really doesn't want to go back to college, he start taking vocational courses somewhere or apprentice himself to a local contractor of some sort, rather than staying with a low paying part time job as store clerk, flipping burgers, etc.

And for those of you who think the weed is no big deal, obviously it is a big deal for the OP. It would be for me, too, but that's because I am extremely allergic to the stuff. In any case, the OP laid out the rules for his kid before he moved in, so it isn't as if the kid wasn't aware of those rules before he movd in. In, fact, the way he got caught seems to me to be a way of saying 'nayaa nayaa nayaa, I'm going to do what I want, what you going to do about it?' so OP needs to do something about the rule breaking, even if it is a ginormous heart to heart 'come to Jesus' discussion.

[spector_boogie]

If he's living there all bills paid, then you have every right to enforce your rules (not like yours is crazy or outlandish anyway).

If you don't want him living couch to couch (what parent does?) then yeah as others have said, make him a tenant with rules for the privilege of having it that easy.