Does the divorce atty. matter?

[MNAirHead]

Originally Posted by hdracer

It really depends on the state and how messy the divorce is.
I didn't even get a lawyer. I looked at the papers and they seemed fair enough and I signed them

Anything more that I feel I could have got would have been spent on the lawyer plus more.

In divorces, it is the lawyers that win.

This was my experience

If doing again.... I'd show up and see what the judge suggests

You do not need an Atty for prelim or discovery phases

I'd file for legal separation ... Pick venue.... Only bring in atty when necessary

Family court is about fairness

[1958Bassman]

Originally Posted by hdracer

It really depends on the state and how messy the divorce is.
I didn't even get a lawyer. I looked at the papers and they seemed fair enough and I signed them

Anything more that I feel I could have got would have been spent on the lawyer plus more.

In divorces, it is the lawyers that win.

In cases where damages are awarded, the lawyers win. Always. 1/3 + expenses, usually.

[guitar ed]

From what I have seen, the first to file has an advantage. So consider that.

Have a lawyer read EVERYTHING before you sign it. This will help to keep the other person honest.

edg

[C.Linton]

Originally Posted by Texan

The quality of the attorney ALWAYS matters. Get a good one.

Indeed. My friend had a pretty sharp lawyer, his (ex) wife had a very inexperienced shlub of a lawyer, my friend did much better than he had hoped for. It could have quite easily gone the other way, considering the particulars in this case. (which I won't go into here)

[blastoff99]

Get a lawyer, and a good one. I realize this isn't cheap and may up the level of acrimony through this whole process, but:

You don't want loose ends that can come back to bite you later.
You want everything in writing.
You need someone to look out for YOUR interests.
Your stepson has legal issues, or could have. Distance yourself.

My husband was divorced by his ex-wife many years ago. He did have a lawyer, but not an aggressive enough one. She got both houses, her pension, half of HIS pension, and the Steinway, in spite of the fact that he was the only one who played it. In other words, he got screwed for the rest of his life.

It's a mean game. Play mean.

[Georynn]

I've kept on the down-low from Talkbass for a while now to focus on my marriage, and as it turns out, my wife's emotional problems have gotten the best of her, and she made some reckless decisions and has basically destroyed our marriage. I have tried to get her into counseling for years, and have gone to marriage counseling (the only thing she would agree to was "divorce counseling"... same counselor), and have tried everything I know how to do to keep my family (we have 3 awesome daughters) together. I had no idea how horrible this process is, even when we agree on most things. Get an attorney, and get a good one. Don't capitulate to the other party's demands before you talk to your lawyer. Still be open to communicate, the more you can settle in writing before the process starts, the less money it will cost you in attorney fees. I am lucky, my side of the family has been saving money to pay for this because they saw it coming years ago, which is also sad...

The best advice I can give you is this:
Take good care of yourself. In a crash landing on-board an airplane, they tell you to put your oxygen mask on before you try to help others. YOU thinking straight will benefit everyone through this whole process.
Get other people's perspective on the situation, but take their advice with a grain of salt. Friends and family who have gone through this type of situation will probably be willing to help you, just because they've learned from their experience, and want to save you some pain, money and hardship.
Don't try to do too much too fast, let time pass, it will help to ease some of the stress.
Be strong. You are stronger than you think you are... the kids (and step-kids) will see this, and they will know that you are a force to be reckoned with.
Keep your chin up, you will feel a LOT of different emotions, but will settle into something stable after some time.
It's a crisis. Don't start habits to escape from the drama, unless you want them sticking around... exercising, yoga... never bad habits to get into.

I hope all goes well for you. It may be something very small, but I am sending positive vibes your direction. PM me if you need someone to talk to.

[Staredge]

Lawyer up, now. If you don't want your kid in the house, you're going to have to fight for custody. Hard to do when you're the guy. My best friend is going through much the same situation. He's hoping to keep it together. Mine was fairly easy. Didn't have anything, really, so there wasn't much to split up. Managed to work out dealing with the kids.

It still sucks. Guys lose everything. Ever need a (cyber) shoulder to lean on, hit me up.

[Georynn]

Originally Posted by Staredge

It still sucks. Guys lose everything. Ever need a (cyber) shoulder to lean on, hit me up.

It's a good thing that many states are coming around to "dad's rights", but many are still in the dark ages. Having a vagina does not make you automatically a good parent. Lean on those (even cyber) shoulders. They will only take some of the stress associated with divorce and uncertainty out of your own mind.

[Marley's Ghost]

Wait...what?

So she wants to divorce you because you are upset that she won't handle her 18 year old using pot, which arguably should be and probably will be legal everywhere in the next decade? And because you understandably don't want your 6 year old exposed? There must be a lot more to this. It doesn't add up.

Other than the family drama - do you love her? Are you two compatible interests wise and intimately?

Please do not involve a PO or law enforcement. So many lives are wrecked by drug arrests and penalties. Do whatever it takes to find the best counselor/therapist you can.

Have you thought of moving out temporarily with your child? Sort of a cooling off period? Maybe the affect of you leaving will engender willingness to compromise.

Your wife's kids may have been deeply affected by the breakup of her first marriage. She may be emotionally codependent with them if the father was abusive, and unable to be strict as a result. Dealing with adult kids who are off the rails is tremendously difficult. At every turn there's a Sophie's choice. Cut her some slack.

There's so many variables here. Talk to a therapist by yourself first. They usually have good suggestions on how to seek legal assistance as well. Good luck and keep us informed.

[Marley's Ghost]

Another few questions.

What are the ages of the kids and their family status?

What makes you think she is going to file for divorce? A feeling is very vague. Do you have separate bank accounts? Did she open up one recently.

If you are so unhappy with the situation, why does the prospect of divorce make you feel "physically sick"? Do you fear being abandoned?

It just all sounds extreme. Try to relax. You may be unconsciously telegraphing your anxiety to the rest of the family and that would just exacerbate the situation.

If she is refusing to go to counseling than she may be hiding some significant issues.

[Downunderwonder]

I'm thinking the 6 year old is her child too?

Family conference time. The teenagers need to be reigned in before they wreck your marriage. They are probably fine with that if it leaves them free to carry on dissing their mother. Where's their father in the picture?

You've still got the bong?

[Indiana Mike]

Originally Posted by bluewine

Great advise.

The attorney is never in alliance with you. He will be in alliance with your wife's attorney and their mission is to drain you and your wife of every dime both of you have.

Blue

+ about a frikin million!

They turn you upside down and shake till everything falls out ,,,then they shake some more ,,,,when your penniless they suddenly agree its over and finalize it .

Work it out between yourselves if at all possible!

[Indiana Mike]

Originally Posted by smcgov

basically the issue is my wife cannot or will not discipline her stepchildren, the boy is going to be 18 in a few days and continually brings pot into the house and is on probation for intent to distribute. IMO he has a problem and needs evaluation. She does not agree with room searches, so I smelled pot a few weeks ago and he gave her some outrageous story which she believed, I searched his room and found a bong and some papers which I removed. Nobody said a word but I could hear him in his room throwing things around. The kid has a temper and made a move the other night like he wanted to fight and I went off on him. The wife is now not talking to me.

I have a 6 year old and absolutely do not want him in the house with the older kid without me present to protect him. I am considering calling probation dept. to drop dime on the kid, which I will feel bad about but my mom says it may save his or someone else's life. It's the most bogus situation I've ever been a part of and my wife enables this kid to the nth degree. I've always had a good relationship with him until I started the war on his bringing pot into my house.

I don't want to sound like an ass ,but who's house is it?

He's 18 ,tell him he has the freedom and the right to do what he wants SOMEWHERE ELSE!

hope it all works out .

To add ,women tend to be very defensive of their children ,even if the child is 18 or 50 . Find a different angle that doesn't involve you running her child down ,no matter what he's done mammas gonna look past it . You'll have to find a way to show her he needs to go without making it look like your attacking her baby.

[Indiana Mike]

Also ,if you can prove his bad behavior in a divorce case ypu may end up with custody ....

I said earlier to settle this yourselves ... I'm not sure this will happen unless you just bend and break....

[electracoyote]

Originally Posted by smcgov

hey folks, just wondering if the caliber of divorce atty. matters if the laws are the laws. Do some just look or dress better but mostly do all the same things? Do the bigtime advertisers really have any more success than the other folks who aren't as established?

Yes, the quality and experience of your attorney matters. In domestic disputes, it matters more the more property you have and if children are in the picture, and you and your spouse do not see eye to eye on the division of property and contact time.

When I went though my divorce, my son was only about 6 years old. My ex wanted to play hardball and punish me for her perception of causing the marriage to fail. She had a great job and the income to pay for the best lawyer in her area, and that's what she did. I was struggling at the time and my lawyer was obviously not on the ball. I got screwed royally, the bare minimum contact time with my son and a hefty child support payment. She also got the house after paying me some of the equity.

Fast-forward a few years. My son is having serious behavior issues that my ex is unable to solve, and there isn't much I can do about it with four days of contact time per month. But now our financial situations are reversed; she's struggling, I'm doing great.

We go back to court, and this time our legal represention is also reversed. Now I've got one of the best in town and she's got the rookie.

The courts awarded me primary parent duties and ordered her to pay child support. Things improved with my son because I'm a no-nonsense kind of dad unafraid of a little tough love. He's about to graduate high school and has applied to several colleges. My ex never could have gotten him to live up to his potential in this way on her own, as she attempted.

Yes, get the best attorney you can afford, and borrow from friends family sell a bass whatever it takes to get the best you can possibly afford.

BTW, my wife is an attorney and partner in one of the largest law firms here in the Denver/Metro area (though she has never represented me due to conflict of interest), she and her partners and associates have more business than they can handle, they do no public broadcast or print advertising, and she takes a dim view of most of the TV/billboard hucksters. She thinks most are just oily salesmen, and not the most effective attorneys in the courtroom. There are some exceptions, and every once in awhile she'll point a good one out, but most are just snakes in her book.

[runmikeyrun]

As someone who fought a sociopathic and very vengeful/vindictive wife (i caught her cheating but she wanted everything) in a 3 year divorce, I can tell you that lawyers make all the difference. I had one for the first year that was a great guy but his specialty was not divorces. I lost a lot of ground (and money- to him and in temporary spousal/child support, not to mention my car and house) and had to make it up in the 2nd and 3rd years.

You've got to show the ex who is boss. If it's a custody battle you're trying to win, you need every bit of ammo, and you need strong ammo. The kid being a pot head is a great thing to have against her. Call the probation officer and get him arrested. With a convicted drug abuser in the house it's almost a sure shot you'll get the child, unless you're a felon or something. With this kind of charge against the kid you may be able to get supervised visitation, which means your wife will only be able to visit with the child at a state-supervised center and NOT at her home. You should definitely fight for this. Trust me, this is big... it's VERY hard to get visitation changed after the fact. If crazy stuff is going on at her house after the divorce and your 6 y/o is involved it's gonna be hard to get supervised visitation. Even calling childrens services doesn't guarantee anything, and those investigations can take months.

Besides, with full custody, she will pay you support. Not that it's about the money, but trust me, as someone who had to pay 66% of his very modest paramedic salary in support for a year I can say it's impossible to live on that kind of money. I'm very fortunate that in my situation I had people to rely on.

Good luck, and fight hard. don't go on her promises, and don't give in. Like I said, once it's in the agreement and in writing, it's almost impossible to get it changed. She's almost guaranteed to turn into a witch once the divorce is filed- be prepared.

[bluewine]

Originally Posted by Indiana Mike

+ about a frikin million!

They turn you upside down and shake till everything falls out ,,,then they shake some more ,,,,when your penniless they suddenly agree its over and finalize it .

Work it out between yourselves if at all possible!

In the emotional heat of a divorce people are blind to what really happening.

I have a friend in the middle of a divorce and he's like;

"My attorneys going to do this and that"

I'm like, your wife is going to get custody of the children and she's going to get half if not more than everything you have. That's what your attorney is going to do.

Blue

[bluewine]

Originally Posted by runmikeyrun

As someone who fought a sociopathic and very vengeful/vindictive wife (i caught her cheating but she wanted everything) in a 3 year divorce, I can tell you that lawyers make all the difference. I had one for the first year that was a great guy but his specialty was not divorces. I lost a lot of ground (and money- to him and in temporary spousal/child support, not to mention my car and house) and had to make it up in the 2nd and 3rd years.

You've got to show the ex who is boss. If it's a custody battle you're trying to win, you need every bit of ammo, and you need strong ammo. The kid being a pot head is a great thing to have against her. Call the probation officer and get him arrested. With a convicted drug abuser in the house it's almost a sure shot you'll get the child, unless you're a felon or something. With this kind of charge against the kid you may be able to get supervised visitation, which means your wife will only be able to visit with the child at a state-supervised center and NOT at her home. You should definitely fight for this. Trust me, this is big... it's VERY hard to get visitation changed after the fact. If crazy stuff is going on at her house after the divorce and your 6 y/o is involved it's gonna be hard to get supervised visitation. Even calling childrens services doesn't guarantee anything, and those investigations can take months.

Besides, with full custody, she will pay you support. Not that it's about the money, but trust me, as someone who had to pay 66% of his very modest paramedic salary in support for a year I can say it's impossible to live on that kind of money. I'm very fortunate that in my situation I had people to rely on.

Good luck, and fight hard. don't go on her promises, and don't give in. Like I said, once it's in the agreement and in writing, it's almost impossible to get it changed. She's almost guaranteed to turn into a witch once the divorce is filed- be prepared.

In WI if the woman is a crack head with an arrest record, the State still feels she's the better parent even when the guy is squeaky clean.

Blue

[two fingers]

YES! You say "they laws are the laws" but that is anything but the truth. A JUDGE is the law. He/she can twist, distort, interpret, and completely throw out the law. What gets you further in a divorce (assuming it's getting ugly anyway) is an ATTORNEY who can win over the judge to your side. That is REALLY hard for men in a divorce. No woman likes to play the victim unless it works in her favor.

If you guys own a bunch of crap, have kids, and/or you make a lot of money get REFERENCES for a good attorney. If you guys get along OK, have no kids, or you are dirt poor, don't worry so much about it.

[Munjibunga]

Originally Posted by Thick McRunfast

Get the most cut-throat, evil, unethical SOB you can. You can't afford not to.

Strangely, this is good advice if the divorce is going to be nasty, but maybe not so much if it's going to be amicable. If I were going to be involved in a contentious legal battle of any type, I'd want an attorney so imposing that the other side wants to settle with rather than duke it out.

I used to do expert work for an attorney with that reputation, and the other attorneys always wanted out early because the guy was formidable in court (it was construction defect cases).

However, I know of people who have gotten a divorce using a single attorney just to mediate and help sort things out. In a slugfest, the attorneys are always the big winners, as someone previously posted. If you and the wife can divvy things up on your own, it's all the better.