Encounters of the Turd Kind

[chaseman]

I'd like to propose a question of etiquette. If this has already been covered, please troll profusely.

When one is midway through moving one's bowel, and some unfortunate gentleman should knock one one's front door, what is the standard practice involved? Finish quickly and open one's front door? Give them a shout? Or leave them to their own devices whilst one undertakes the necessary procedures?

Please comment on your preferred method of dealing with such a situation. I shall be most intrigued as to the general consensus of the TBOT community.

[MatticusMania]

How does one finish quickly in the middle of a bowel movement? Dont do anythign unnatural man!
Finish your business! Then answer the door.
People have cell phones these days. If someone expects you to be home, and you dont answer your door, their next step is going to be to give you a call.
Tell them youre on the john and you'll let them in when you finish.

[ShredderMaximus]

"UNLESS YOU WANNA HELP WIPE MY A**, YOU CAN WAIT A SEC!"

[MakiSupaStar]

Pinch it off, hobble out there with your pants around your ankles, and let them in. Ok I'm joking. You continue reading whatever your reading.

[fhm555]

We live way out in the sticks. You can't see the house from the road. Our driveway looks like a cow path/dry creek bed across a pasture, and there is a gate across that were it meets the woods.

Needless to say, we don't get a lot of unexpected knocks on the door, but if someone wants to climb the fence and risk the dogs to get to my door, and I was in mid movement, I'd continue to TCB and let the drop in have a little more time for their meet and greet with my organic alarm system.

If you want to come see us, your best bet is to call ahead so I can open the gate and put up the dogs.

[Funky Ghost]

No job is through until the paperwork is done. Sloppy paper work leads to trouble down the road and always has to be addressed.

Take your time, and do it right. Anything that doesn't involve a natural disaster can wait.

[Smurf-o-Deth]

I avoid this predicament by crapping on my front lawn.

[Tituscrow]

Now there's a pet peeve. A man should be allowed to grow a tail in peace. Whatever it is, whoever they are, whatever they want, they can wait.

[macaroni tony]

Whomever is knocking can wait. When nature calls, you can't put her on hold!

If it's important enough, they'll either call me or stick around

[Bloodhammer]

Don't order pizza if you don't think you can wrap up your business quickly.

[6jase5]

Remote door locks, there's an app for that.

[stratovani]

I remember years ago there was a knock on the door while I was in the middle of dropping one. I cut it off quick, cleaned up, and answered the door, only to find out that it was just a couple of JoHos looking to pawn off a copy of The Watchtower. I said, "I cut off a good schitt just to answer the door for people who want to give me this schitt? No f'in way!" I slammed the door on them and went back to my business. Never again have I answered the door in the middle of conducting business!

[Phalex]

I don't care if the house is on fire. I'm finishing reading my chapter, and completing all requisite paper work.

[Bloodhammer]

"The phone is ringing, so I cannot linger, so look out butt, here comes my...."

[MEKer]

As an aside to the word used here in this post: In ancient Spain during the time when Romans were running around chopping up everyone, there was a tribe called TURDELANI ---what were members of the tribe called? Thats historical truth too. No s&%^!

[bobba66]

I guess you could push that turtle-head back in and waddle up to the door.....
But would you really want to?

[P. Aaron]

Lawsuit: Defendant Breached a Duty Not to Shoot Bottle Rockets Out of His Anus
From a complaint filed on January 23 in West Virginia, reported today by Courthouse News Service:

8. * *[Defendant] was highly intoxicated on this date and time, and decided in his drunken stupor that it would be a good idea to shoot bottle rockets out of his anus on the [Alpha Tau Omega fraternity] deck, located on the back of the ATO house.

10. * [Defendant] placed a bottle rocket in his anus [and] ignited the fuse, but instead of launching, the bottle rocket blew up in Defendant's rectum, and this startled plaintiff and caused him to jump back, at which time he fell off of the ATO deck, and he became lodged between the deck and an air conditioner unit adjacent to the deck.

13.* * Per the applicable codes ... the deck in question should have had a railing, which comported with said codes.

16.* * ATO owed plaintiff a duty to provide a safe deck, including a railing, and ... a duty to supervise its guests and its own fraternity members, such as Defendant, and other under age persons, from consuming alcohol on its premises, which leads to stupid and dangerous activities, such as shooting bottle rockets out of one's own anus.

18. * [Defendant] also owed plaintiff ... a duty of care not to drink under age, or to file bottle rockets out of his anus.

19. * [Defendant] breached this duty when he both drank under age ... and attempted to fire a bottle rocket out of his anus while under the influence. The act of firing a bottle rocket, within Huntington City Limits, was also a crime.

22. * Plaintiff asserts that the activity of underaged drinking and firing bottle rockets out of one's own anus constitutes an "ultra-hazardous" activity which exposes both of these defendant to strict liability.

The complaint (PDF here, and it's also going in the archive) doesn't say whether Defendant was injured by his attempt to fire a bottle rocket out of his anus. To learn that, we may have to wait for Defendant's own lawsuit against ATO for allowing him to drink and, I assume, the manufacturer of the defective bottle rocket.

February 02, 2012 in Documents/Pleadings, Torts | Permalink

[GFD113]

For God sake dont try and hurry, thats how you blow an o ring

[NWB]

Originally Posted by P. Aaron

Lawsuit: Defendant Breached a Duty Not to Shoot Bottle Rockets Out of His Anus
From a complaint filed on January 23 in West Virginia, reported today by Courthouse News Service:

8. * *[Defendant] was highly intoxicated on this date and time, and decided in his drunken stupor that it would be a good idea to shoot bottle rockets out of his anus on the [Alpha Tau Omega fraternity] deck, located on the back of the ATO house.

10. * [Defendant] placed a bottle rocket in his anus [and] ignited the fuse, but instead of launching, the bottle rocket blew up in Defendant's rectum, and this startled plaintiff and caused him to jump back, at which time he fell off of the ATO deck, and he became lodged between the deck and an air conditioner unit adjacent to the deck.

13.* * Per the applicable codes ... the deck in question should have had a railing, which comported with said codes.

16.* * ATO owed plaintiff a duty to provide a safe deck, including a railing, and ... a duty to supervise its guests and its own fraternity members, such as Defendant, and other under age persons, from consuming alcohol on its premises, which leads to stupid and dangerous activities, such as shooting bottle rockets out of one's own anus.

18. * [Defendant] also owed plaintiff ... a duty of care not to drink under age, or to file bottle rockets out of his anus.

19. * [Defendant] breached this duty when he both drank under age ... and attempted to fire a bottle rocket out of his anus while under the influence. The act of firing a bottle rocket, within Huntington City Limits, was also a crime.

22. * Plaintiff asserts that the activity of underaged drinking and firing bottle rockets out of one's own anus constitutes an "ultra-hazardous" activity which exposes both of these defendant to strict liability.

The complaint (PDF here, and it's also going in the archive) doesn't say whether Defendant was injured by his attempt to fire a bottle rocket out of his anus. To learn that, we may have to wait for Defendant's own lawsuit against ATO for allowing him to drink and, I assume, the manufacturer of the defective bottle rocket.

February 02, 2012 in Documents/Pleadings, Torts | Permalink

This is pure gold.

I haven't laughed so hard in ages!