Feeling like I've hit a wall in life

[fourstringdrums]

I'm not usually one to vent his personal problems online, but I really need some perspective especially since I know I'm not alone here.

I have a lot to be thankful for in my life, but I can not shake this feeling of seeing myself as a worthless person who only lives up to 1/10th of their potential. A little back story...

In 2007 I was happily (or so I thought) married, had a house and a great paying job working for Verizon. In late 2006 I was diagnosed with severe carpal tunnel syndrome. I was born with Cerebral Palsy and walked with crutches at the time (I walk with one cane now but I'm getting ahead of myself). So when it came to work all I could do were sit down/computer/office related jobs. I had the CTS surgery which did nothing. All my years of crutch use combined with the repetitive nature of my job killed my hands. Even 5 years later I wake up in pain every day and doing computer work for more than a half hour renders my fingers numb and my arms aching, combined with bursitis that I developed in my right shoulder which some days feels like my right right side is being ripped apart. Oddly enough this doesn't bother me so much with my bass playing, guitar playing or my main instrument, the drums.

So I talked about it with my then wife and I went on SSDI..because of my having CP I got approved lickity split. At the time I relegated myself to finding new time for music and being a house husband. I took up cooking, gardening, mr. fix it type stuff..and I was really happy.

Fast forward to 2010. My marriage fell apart and we got divorced. I was forced into an apartment where I could no longer play drums, could barely play bass without irritating someone, and had barely enough money left at the end of the month for an emergency because I went from us having a 70k a year income to me only having under 20k. My only saving grace was my band, and I'm both happy and sad to say, the only friends I have in my life as the rest of them took my wife's side in the divorce. Ce la vie.

Fast forward to now. I moved to another state and am in a relationship with a very supportive woman who is an inspiring, though casual, guitarist her self. Though while I'm not rolling in money I'm no longer financially strangled like I was and I have what I was missing in my marriage. The only problem is, my self esteem is completely shot. My band is falling apart because everyone else is busy with new careers and what not so I'm at risk of losing my only musical outlet along with my only friends potentially. I still can't work, though I've tried to get part time things to no real avail. I did manage to land a job at a drum shop, but it's only 2 sundays a month and that's only while the current weekend guy decides whether or not he wants to even work Sundays any more.

So I'm at a point where I feel like I have no day to day purpose in life. No responsibility to guide me, and no way for me to earn more money other than an extra $100 a month I'm getting currently on top of what I get from SSDI. My musical life is failing (and I don't even want to do it as a career..I just want to play with people I care about regularly and I can't do that). The fact that I'm in an apartment means that I can't do any of the things I'm used to. I have an electronic drumset, but it's not the same as an acoustic of course. I can't partake in my love for gardening and lawn care. I can't grill outside in the summer. Hell I can't even light candles in this place..so I feel like I'm more restricted than I've ever been, and for an independent guy like myself that's a bad thing. My girlfriend is trying to start her own business and is working through her masters, so there is a financial uncertainty as well. Our goal is to eventually get married and buy a house so we can get out of here, but I don't know if it's going to happen given my limited financial means and no idea whether her degree and/or business will be successful for her.

I know I could be much worse off but I still can't let go of the fact that I'm 30, divorced, I lost my house, most of musical outlet, my ability to work, and any sense of consistency in my life and I have no idea if I'll ever get it back. I figure if I could just play music with people regularly and even work a lousy 10 hours a week at something I enjoyed I'd be so much happier, but I can't even do that.

I'd really appreciate some perspective to hopefully get me out of this funk.. I know it's not as bad as it seems and there is a lot of good, but until I let go of how I feel about myself and what I've achieved and lost or haven't achieved, I can never move forward.

[stratovani]

Sounds to me like you've had a few adventures in your life, maybe more than usual for someone who's 30. When I was 30 back in 1984 I had just been through a divorce three years previous, had lost all contact with my ex-wife and son, had been unemployed for almost three years, was first living with my grandmother, then I came here to the States and lived with my parents until I could get my Green Card, met my wife, worked some crap jobs, but somehow I survived. Now we've been married for 26 years, my children have become successful adults, and my life is good. My point is that sometimes in life we hit bumps on the road, and sometimes they're big potholes, but we have to persevere. What choice do we have? Continue on or die.

I really don't want to tell you what you should or shouldn't do, but I just want you to know that in life things change, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. It's how you roll with the punches that really matters. I've hit that same wall myself, as I'm sure many here have, so what you have to do is climb it and see what's on the other side. And keep playing those drums, an outlet will do you some good!

[fourstringdrums]

Originally Posted by stratovani

Sounds to me like you've had a few adventures in your life, maybe more than usual for someone who's 30. When I was 30 back in 1984 I had just been through a divorce three years previous, had lost all contact with my ex-wife and son, had been unemployed for almost three years, was first living with my grandmother, then I came here to the States and lived with my parents until I could get my Green Card, met my wife, worked some crap jobs, but somehow I survived. Now we've been married for 26 years, my children have become successful adults, and my life is good. My point is that sometimes in life we hit bumps on the road, and sometimes they're big potholes, but we have to persevere. What choice do we have? Continue on or die.

I really don't want to tell you what you should or shouldn't do, but I just want you to know that in life things change, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. It's how you roll with the punches that really matters. I've hit that same wall myself, as I'm sure many here have, so what you have to do is climb it and see what's on the other side. And keep playing those drums, an outlet will do you some good!

Thank you. It seems like you've been through a lot as well and it's good to hear that you made it through.

My problem is I can't see how to roll with the punches. I have no means to meet my goals in life because I'm so limited in what parts of my life I can effect. In regards to work if I'm not careful and I earn too much money, I lose my benefits (though the money I'd earn isn't enough to live off of compared to the benefits). But I'm not able to even find a partial part time job. 5 hours a week isn't cutting it.

The drums are a great outlet, unfortunately I can't play them because I'm in an apartment and the e-kit is only a partial outlet. It's like playing bass and not being able to bend strings or play harmonics. You can do the basics sure, but you can't truly express what you feel.

[MatticusMania]

I think you might be experience something of a stagnant slump. It doesnt sound like things are going so bad for you overall. Bands break up, you can find other cats to jam with! If your band is not fulfilling your goals look for another!

Im 27, and Ive been divorced already. Ive remarried and moved on from all that. I still dont make as much money as Id like, but Im getting by okay.

Ive been feeling a bit stagnant myself, and its led me to do some research into my past, do some interesting reading, and now Im on a crazy spiritual kick. Find something to do thats good for the soul. Something that makes you happy.

I realize that youre feeling down, but you'll pull through man!

[Silaxian]

Whenever I have felt like you feel, and I have, I try to remember being in Central America and witnessing the appalling and life threatening poverty that prevails throughout the region. It may be useful to start thinking on what you have instead of what you do not have. As the old adage goes, one oftentimes does not fully appreciate what he has until he no longer has it. You have some physical problems, but you are thirty years old. I wish I had that again.

[oldno7]

I am not one to tell you what to do but i have been through many of the same issues. It is a day to day struggle for me to stay positive and on the right path. what works for me took some effort in the begining but now i love it makes me feel like i have a reason to live. I do volinteer work as much as i feel comfortable doing. Hospitals, kids events. gets me out of my own head and makes me feel good about myself..

[fourstringdrums]

Originally Posted by MatticusMania

I think you might be experience something of a stagnant slump. It doesnt sound like things are going so bad for you overall. Bands break up, you can find other cats to jam with! If your band is not fulfilling your goals look for another!

Im 27, and Ive been divorced already. Ive remarried and moved on from all that. I still dont make as much money as Id like, but Im getting by okay.

Ive been feeling a bit stagnant myself, and its led me to do some research into my past, do some interesting reading, and now Im on a crazy spiritual kick. Find something to do thats good for the soul. Something that makes you happy.

I realize that youre feeling down, but you'll pull through man!

No it's not as bad as it could be. But if the band breaks up, I risk losing my only friends as well and my only outlet for playing music at the moment.

Really the biggest thing is my being unable to work. It leaves me with a sense of no purpose and no way of having any control over my financial future. It's not like I can get a better job, get a second job or do overtime.

[i_got_a_mohawk]

Are there any career support places you could go to?

At least things seem to be on the up!

Re-band, if this one seems to be struggling to get time together, have you considered advertising your services for other bands? Could be a good way to make some new friends too.

Hats off to you for wanting to keep working, I know plenty of healthy people who are doing anything they can to not work. Keep the chin up bud, hard times come and go, getting through them tempers the people we are

[runmikeyrun]

I'm losing almost everything in my divorce- house, car, etc. I had to quit my job because I couldn't afford medications or food and I had to go on government assistance. I have been taken to the cleaners by a lying ex wife who the magistrate believes all her lies. There's a lot more to it but I'm not going to bore everyone.

I guess I'm lucky that I at least have a band made up of great band mates, but honestly I would trade it in a second to be in a good relationship like you are. I guess the grass is always greener, hey?

Hang in there man, that's what I gotta do too. we can do this.

[Sublab]

Don't know if it will make you feel any better or less alone, but I'm starting my last week of steady work next week and then I'm hitting a 3 month therapy marathon. I'm 32, wife and 2 kids, and my youth has been rough to say the least. I got past all that on my own, but 4 years ago I had a serious car accident. I was driving, lost control, and my best friend got thrown out of the car - he'll never be able to walk, talk, eat, speak on his own. The guilt has been chewing my sanity to the bone. It's twisted: I'm a pretty inspired bass player/singer/songwriter and I am creative with just about anything; I can keep a cool head in most situations and really feel a lot of energy and power within myself. But stuff happens and in my life it has gotten the better of me.

Anyways, keep going man, things will eventually change. Just keep your eyes open and think out of the box. If you truly believe in it, it will come.

[fourstringdrums]

Originally Posted by i_got_a_mohawk

Are there any career support places you could go to?

I worked with the massachusetts rehab commission when I worked in MA. When I moved to New Hampshire they had to stop working with me though I can go to a similar department here. The thing of it is that I am limited physically in how much I can work and financially I'm limited. If I earn more than $1000 a month I lose my benefits. That's easily achieved working 20 hours a week at $10 an hour. Even if most months have 4 weeks, in a month where there or 5 the government doesn't care.

It's also the fact that most jobs I physically can't do given how messed up my hands are.

Originally Posted by runmikeyrun

I would trade it in a second to be in a good relationship like you are.

Our relationship is suffering. She's so busy with school and her business we hardly get time with each other. When she's stressed out it stressed me out more and vice versa. Her mother passed away this year and that took a toll on us as well because it's just compounded stress.

Sorry to hear what you're going through. How are you staying positive?

[64jazz]

Originally Posted by fourstringdrums

Really the biggest thing is my being unable to work. It leaves me with a sense of no purpose and no way of having any control over my financial future. It's not like I can get a better job, get a second job or do overtime.

If I were faced with this dilemma, my very first step would be seeking out volunteer opportunities. You may not be able to manage a big change in your financial state, but you can easily change your social interactions, contributions to society, and general sense of purpose/accomplishment. You'll meet all kinds of new and interesting people and will more than likely change the world in some small way. I've served in this capacity and am happy to answer questions or offer guidance, should you need either.

[i_got_a_mohawk]

Originally Posted by fourstringdrums

I worked with the massachusetts rehab commission when I worked in MA. When I moved to New Hampshire they had to stop working with me though I can go to a similar department here. The thing of it is that I am limited physically in how much I can work and financially I'm limited. If I earn more than $1000 a month I lose my benefits. That's easily achieved working 20 hours a week at $10 an hour. Even if most months have 4 weeks, in a month where there or 5 the government doesn't care.

It's also the fact that most jobs I physically can't do given how messed up my hands are.

I can understand that, it's quite similar here. I was meaning along the lines of being able to speak to someone, see if there is anything you could do where you don't need to use your hands?

Volunteer work has been mentioned already. While this wouldn't be helping you financially, it could help keep you busy and you'd certainly be making a difference. Helping out at some homes could be similar to the house-husband-esque chores you had previously mentioned, if that isn't too hard on your hands?

If you don't mind my asking. What qualifications do you have, any way in which you could maybe try and do something like college lecturing (for instance)?

Edit -

I'll also add, keep talking to people. Do you talk about these things with your other half? Bottling up these kinda feelings isn't healthy. Talking is good

[fourstringdrums]

Originally Posted by i_got_a_mohawk

I can understand that, it's quite similar here. I was meaning along the lines of being able to speak to someone, see if there is anything you could do where you don't need to use your hands?

Volunteer work has been mentioned already. While this wouldn't be helping you financially, it could help keep you busy and you'd certainly be making a difference. Helping out at some homes could be similar to the house-husband-esque chores you had previously mentioned, if that isn't too hard on your hands?

If you don't mind my asking. What qualifications do you have, any way in which you could maybe try and do something like college lecturing (for instance)?

Edit -

I'll also add, keep talking to people. Do you talk about these things with your other half? Bottling up these kinda feelings isn't healthy. Talking is good

My work limitations are basically I can't lift anything because I walk with a cane and my balance is horrible. I don't have the strength because of my disability. I can carry some things with one hand, but that's about it. Anything with a lot of standing or walking I can't do as well. I can do things that involve my hands but it is hard to find things that don't aggravate them. I can work through it to a point though. Last Sunday at the drum shop my bursitis was acting up on my entire right side, but I took aleve and fought through it.

I need to find something I enjoy too because that makes it easier. If I did a job just for the sake of doing it and I hated it, It would make it harder to deal with the pain.

[Mike M.]

Originally Posted by 64jazz

If I were faced with this dilemma, my very first step would be seeking out volunteer opportunities. You may not be able to manage a big change in your financial state, but you can easily change your social interactions, contributions to society, and general sense of purpose/accomplishment. You'll meet all kinds of new and interesting people and will more than likely change the world in some small way. I've served in this capacity and am happy to answer questions or offer guidance, should you need either.

I was going to suggest the same very thing about volunteering, if that's possible for you. When I was laid off I volunteered at a local hospital. I was assigned to the Oncology department helping the nurses in assisting the cancer patients. Got to know the patients on a first name basis, got to know thier needs, met thier families....man, talk about going home feeling like you did something good with your day!! Helped to put things into perspective and helped me to feel like I did something for the common good even if it was just in my little, tiny spec in our state.

In the meantime I wish you well and hope your situation improves. I've been at rock bottom too my friend, so I can understand where you're coming from.

Keep the Faith and believe in yourself.

[fmoore200]

Have you thought about taking a class or two at your local college? You would get to meet new people (possibly musicians) and it would definetly help get you out of your rut. You would have to set goals, manage time, meet deadlines, etc. Feeling a sense of accomplishment may go a long way.

BTW, it helped my wife tremendously after she was diagnosed with severe ptsd after 9/11..

[fourstringdrums]

Originally Posted by fmoore200

Have you thought about taking a class or two at your local college? You would get to meet new people (possibly musicians) and it would definetly help get you out of your rut. You would have to set goals, manage time, meet deadlines, etc. Feeling a sense of accomplishment may go a long way.

BTW, it helped my wife tremendously after she was diagnosed with severe ptsd after 9/11..

I have..perhaps for cooking or something like that, but I really don't have the money for it.

[cassanova]

You could try taking up new hobbies like model cars, trains, airplanes, etc. Create other forms of art, rather than just music. If you like too cook and are interested in the cooking classes then take those as well. Perhaps you can also find some volunteer work that doesn't require you to lift, stand, or walk too long. Perhaps going to a preschool and reading to children, help out with paper work at a local church, etc.

The key is finding things you enjoy doing so that you can reinvent yourself and get your sense of self worth back.

[JPaulGeddy]

Since you're a multi-instrumentalist, how about doing some recording? It's relatively cheap and easy to get going on your computer, and you have the instruments... might be a way to get you through some dark times and boost your chops to boot.

[bmc]

You really are going through a rough time. You are. Talking about it with the lads here, helps. Writing it out, as you did, can give you some perspective and enabled you to vent. You are carrying a heavy load and your reaction is fully justified and makes sense.

At this low point in your life, try to remember that the pendulum of life does swing the other way. It always does.

Try going out and help someone. Go volunteer at a soup kitchen. Go share some love and compassion. Make an impact on someones life that's feeling down. You know that road all too well.

Good luck brother. You got us to talk to.