Female woes....

lamonica78 · #1 12-29-2008, 05:17 AM

So, I recently ended a long term relationship with my girlfriend of 3.5 years. She moved out two weeks ago and I had not been intending on looking for anything for quite some time. But wouldn't you know it, someone unexpectedly entered into my life and has completely thrown me for a loop. Everything about her is what I look for in a significant other. In the last two weeks, I have told her things about myself that I have never told any past girlfriends. My deepest secrets, my fears, my wants, my desires. I have not held anything back. My heart is completely on my sleeve right now and I am in the most vulnerable position of my life. But alas....she is currently in a relationship (you knew there had to be a 'but' right?). She is conflicted....she wants to be with me, but she doesn't know how to end things with her current boyfriend. She knows his negative traits far outweigh his positives, but she needs to come to a decision on her own terms.

I know that with patience, things will work out in my favor, but this is seriously one of the most difficult challenges I have ever had to face in my life. It's so difficult knowing that she feels the same way about me, but hasn't been able to end things yet. It is all I can think about right now and it is weighing so heavily on my heart. And I don't want to pressure her because that would not be the right thing to do. I am 30 years old and I have never had this kind of spark or instant connection with anyone in my life. Even under such complicated circumstances, I know I have to try. If I don't make the effort to have her in my life, I am going to regret for the rest of my life.

Ugh....not really looking for any advice, rather I just needed to get it all out. Thanks for listening.

sonic assassin · #2 12-29-2008, 06:02 AM

this same thing happened to me. i began talking to a girl id known casually for a couple years. randomly started talking to her on a weekly, then daily basis. she was with a guy she'd been dating for a year.

i too had never felt that way about a girl in my life. it was pretty weird to me how well things seemed to be going. well.. i didnt want to break up someone elses relationship, so i kept my feelings to myself. she broke up with him for various reasons, and then as soon as i had the opportunity to tell her how i felt, i learned that she had felt the same all along.

we've been dating 6 months now. going on 7 in a couple days.

just keep your head up, and things might work out for you. if there is something really there, and it is meant to happen, it will happen.

T-Bird · #3 12-29-2008, 06:30 AM

Hi.

I have a strict policy of not touching other mans/womans GF/wife/SO. Not out of respect for the guy/gal, but for the respect for their relationship. All relationships are sacred IMHO, no matter how bad I feel about it. And YES I know what I'm talking about

.

The other thing that always bugs me is the thought that If she can do this for her current BF, she'll do that me too.

I think I can love someone enough to not be with them if that's not the right thing to do.

For the record, I'm not religious per the general description, so that's not what's stopping me

.

Just my 0.02€
Sam

lamonica78 · #4 12-29-2008, 06:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by T-Bird

Hi.

I have a strict policy of not touching other mans/womans GF/wife/SO. Not out of respect for the guy/gal, but for the respect for their relationship. All relationships are sacred IMHO, no matter how bad I feel about it. And YES I know what I'm talking about

.

The other thing that always bugs me is the thought that If she can do this for her current BF, she'll do that me too.

I think I can love someone enough to not be with them if that's not the right thing to do.

For the record, I'm not religious per the general description, so that's not what's stopping me

.

Just my 0.02€
Sam

Yes, I know, and this weighs heavily on me, too!

BassChuck · #5 12-29-2008, 07:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lamonica78

....I know that with patience, things will work out in my favor, but this is seriously one of the most difficult challenges I have ever had to face in my life.

There's your answer. You have no power to affect their realtionship. Your only power is in how you act. Be yourself and wait to see what happens. It has to be her choice... and that may take a while.

lamonica78 · #6 12-29-2008, 07:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BassChuck

There's your answer. You have no power to affect their realtionship. Your only power is in how you act. Be yourself and wait to see what happens. It has to be her choice... and that may take a while.

You're absolutely right. I think the most frustrating part about this is her best friend and even her mother are telling her that she should be with me, haha. But she has to come to the conclusion on her own.

Buzzi · #7 12-29-2008, 08:30 AM

What keeps her?

Fear of his reaction? or Fear of Changes?

Quote:

Originally Posted by T-Bird

The other thing that always bugs me is the thought that If she can do this for her current BF, she'll do that me too.

Yes.. I always think about it, too... but do not mean she WILL CERTAINLY do... people are not monsters... just get confused
besides... there are theese two things I said above (His Reaction / Changes) ...

I've passe to a similar situation on the other side of yours ... I have doubt of my feelings for my girl... and had no one else, too ... but, even so, I had this "fear" of the change... and her reaction... I... well... I knew I would hate break her heart... and I hated.. hehehehehe

but... that's life ... I guess

HollowBassman · #8 12-29-2008, 09:43 AM

I know you won't want to hear this but your best bet is to move on. I'd bet money that she's the type that only dates the bad guys(the ones that beat on her and make her feel bad) and then finds good guys to flirt with and make her feel good again. You're only hope is that her boyfriend might dump her and you get to be the rebound guy. The fact that her mom likes you is a nail in the coffin. She is dating a loser because that keeps things interesting and unless you intend to become a bad guy, or least a semi-bad guy, you probably won't keep her attention.

Your friend,
Former Good Guy

Jeff Martinez · #9 12-29-2008, 09:52 AM

Women are evil!!! They cause men to think and act in ways that they wouldn't expect. There's only 2 things that have kept me from going gay... 1. The thought of a naked man next to me makes me want to vomit, and... 2. Women (in general) are so doggone HOT.

JQ1986 · #10 12-29-2008, 10:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HollowBassman

The fact that her mom likes you is a nail in the coffin.

Oh yeah. That can definitely be true. But it can also help. My last g/f's mom, and her friends, LIKED me, and it actually helped said girl date me. But that same mom and group of friends also were the deciding factor for the ending of that relationship. So be careful.

JQ1986 · #11 12-29-2008, 10:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jeff Martinez

Women are evil!!! They cause men to think and act in ways that they wouldn't expect. There's only 2 things that have kept me from going gay... 1. The thought of a naked man next to me makes me want to vomit, and... 2. Women (in general) are so doggone HOT.

LOL couldn't have said it better myself man! My favorite line from Nikki Sixx's Heroin Diaries: "Chicks=Trouble"

Bongolation · #12 12-29-2008, 11:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by T-Bird

I have a strict policy of not touching other mans/womans GF/wife/SO. Not out of respect for the guy/gal, but for the respect for their relationship.

I always maintained this position out of respect for myself.

Quote:

The other thing that always bugs me is the thought that If she can do this for her current BF, she'll do that me too.

Yep, and almost certainly will, eventually.

Scarlet Fire · #13 12-29-2008, 11:09 AM

Flirt with her best friend. That will change her tune real quick.

*DISCLAIMER* Under no circumstances should you expect the above advice to work in your favor. It will, however, provide the rest of OT with entertainment.

MJ5150 · #14 12-29-2008, 11:12 AM

Wow, you're hosed.

-Mike

kjpollo · #15 12-29-2008, 11:22 AM

I had a similar situation happen to me about 20 years ago in college.
We met at orientation in late August and sparks flew between us. She had a longtime BF back at home, I was single. She went home for a weekend about 2 weeks after school started. (her family lived about 90 minutes away so it wasnt all that far) She came back and told me she broke up with the other guy for me.

Long story short, we were done by February.
I have no clue if this'll help, but I thought I'd share it anyway.

FWIW-HER parents liked me alot too. Didnt help in the end.

Also-its good that you realized your vulnerability. This is a classic "rebound" thing, even though you weren't actually looking for anything to happen just yet.

MJ5150 · #16 12-29-2008, 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kjpollo

FWIW-HER parents liked me alot too. Didnt help in the end.

How many women go out and marry someone her parents encourage her to marry anyway? My wifes parents could not stand me.

-Mike

ryco · #17 12-29-2008, 11:47 AM

HollowBassman and Bongolation have it right.

Man, be careful of the "rebound" syndrome and be careful with your heart.
Maybe just take a bunch of time off from the "steady" relationships for a long while.

Not meaning to give advice, but there it is! Good luck!

AlembicPlayer · #18 12-29-2008, 12:34 PM

my crew guys have a saying..

THEY'RE ALL CRAZY AND THEY'RE ALL SHOPPING

just sayin..fwiw

MatticusMania · #19 12-29-2008, 12:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HollowBassman

I know you won't want to hear this but your best bet is to move on. I'd bet money that she's the type that only dates the bad guys(the ones that beat on her and make her feel bad) and then finds good guys to flirt with and make her feel good again. You're only hope is that her boyfriend might dump her and you get to be the rebound guy. The fact that her mom likes you is a nail in the coffin. She is dating a loser because that keeps things interesting and unless you intend to become a bad guy, or least a semi-bad guy, you probably won't keep her attention.

Your friend,
Former Good Guy

Ok, I have to call BS on this one. When I met my ex-wife she was dating another guy, the loser bad guy type you described to a T. We hit it off and both started developing feelings for each other. After a short while she realized she wanted to be with me, and she left him to be with me. (the ex part didnt come into play until a few years later [she crazy~!])

So, if things are seriously on their way out with this other guy, you have a chance for sure, especially when she realizes that youre the one she wants to be with... unless thats not how she feels. Let things play out... the wolrd has a way of sorting these things out.

~Another former good guy

69limeRev · #20 12-29-2008, 12:46 PM

18 years ago, my wife was engaged to her high school boyfriend. We'll celebrate our 17th anniversary in May. Have some faith that the right thing will happen. If she doesn't have the wisdom to recognize it as the right thing, or if she doesn't have the courage to act on that, then it's not the right thing anyway.
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