The Fiance.

cassanova · #1 09-27-2009, 05:56 PM

About 4 months ago the fiance and I broke up. I found out (accidentally) she was still legally married but not living with him anymore. After the break up she got very bitter, cold, mean, and uncarring.

I never wanted to break up with her but that's a huge secret to keep from someone and well you know as well as I do that it's something that had to be done. In spite of all that we did try to remain friends.
One night about 3 weeks ago we had a pretty nasty blowout and I didn't talk to her for about 2 weeks. Now she's claiming she was stupid, a ass, etc, etc, and wanting to get back together.

I've told her several times now that the most I can offer is just a good friendship. Last night she asks me again, "do you not want to be with me anymore?" So I had to be blunt and tell her "no I don't, that's why the most I can offer you is just a good friendship." Also told her lets just take things slow and talk to see if something develops again out of it. But she's gotta have her way and want's to be together again right now and I'm just not ready for that again (if at all ever again) with her.

Needless to say she says she's hurting over all this. The kicker is I feel bad about it, like I'm doing something bad to her. Other than that pesky marriage issue (which BTW, she's divorced now) she was a pretty decent person to be with.

::::BASSIST:::: · #2 09-27-2009, 05:58 PM

Women are such a mind bomb.

Stanley Design · #3 09-27-2009, 06:03 PM

It's not like she was bangin' her ex, it was nothing but paperwork and she mended the problem. To toss away your life together over that, to me, is insanity. Yes she made a mistake, but I would expect some compassion about it especially from a fiance. 4 months ago you were planning on spending your life with this person, now you want nothing to do with her because of paperwork?

hover · #4 09-27-2009, 06:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stanley Design

It's not like she was bangin' her ex, it was nothing but paperwork and she mended the problem. To toss away your life together over that, to me, is insanity. Yes she made a mistake, but I would expect some compassion about it especially from a fiance. 4 months ago you were planning on spending your life with this person, now you want nothing to do with her because of paperwork?

Either way your not hearing any of it out from her side may have made irreparable damage even if you decided to change your mind. Not to say you're in the wrong...just relationships are never easy...sorry to hear.

TrooperFarva · #5 09-27-2009, 06:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stanley Design

It's not like she was bangin' her ex, it was nothing but paperwork and she mended the problem. To toss away your life together over that, to me, is insanity. Yes she made a mistake, but I would expect some compassion about it especially from a fiance. 4 months ago you were planning on spending your life with this person, now you want nothing to do with her because of paperwork?

Couldn't disagree more.

I don't think you're overreacting. You said you found out accidentally. That to me says that she never would have told you.

dave64o · #6 09-27-2009, 06:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stanley Design

It's not like she was bangin' her ex, it was nothing but paperwork and she mended the problem. To toss away your life together over that, to me, is insanity. Yes she made a mistake, but I would expect some compassion about it especially from a fiance. 4 months ago you were planning on spending your life with this person, now you want nothing to do with her because of paperwork?

I can't agree with that. For one thing, I have to wonder what other secrets she might still be hiding. Or if she's not hiding any right now, what might she hide in the future.

Second, let's turn this scenario around so that cassanova was the married one who hid that fact from the girl. She could be on Oprah the next day telling the whole country about her tale of woe at the hand of some ... some .... some .... MAN!!! Then 150 million women in the USA would storm his home with pitchforks and torches

A woman would be applauded for ditching a man who did that to her so I say she deserves just as harsh a send off as any man would be given. Ditch her and never look back. Ever. She can't be trusted.

Simo98 · #7 09-27-2009, 06:28 PM

I think your doing the right thing, take it slow, build trust again.

If she can't deal with that, well, its probably not going to work out in the long run.

bluewine · #8 09-27-2009, 06:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Simo98

I think your doing the right thing, take it slow, build trust again.

If she can't deal with that, well, its probably not going to work out in the long run.

Women, I can't offer any help. I went out with 30 year old for about 2 weeks a short while ago.

She would call me and ask me "Have You Been Thinking About Me?"

I know I am not a "Thinking About You" kind of guy. I think about nothing allot. I am more a "Staring Out Into Space" kind of guy.

blue

TallLankyBastyd · #9 09-27-2009, 06:41 PM

Another toxic fish in the hopelessly polluted ocean of women... toss her back... catch another.

Why did this thread leave me with the glorious vision of 150 million men bludgeoning Oprah with pitchforks?!?

I know... I know...

Steveaux · #10 09-27-2009, 07:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TallLankyBastyd

Another toxic fish in the hopelessly polluted ocean of women... toss her back... catch another.

Why did this thread leave me with the glorious vision of 150 million men bludgeoning Oprah with pitchforks?!?

I know... I know...

Hey ... you forgot the torches and field axes.

sarcastro83 · #11 09-27-2009, 07:42 PM

Did you know that she was married to begin with at least, or was that part of the surprise that led to this massive blowout? If it's the latter, than who in their right mind makes someone their fiancee without knowing this first? Seems like pretty pertinent information...

Sit this one out.

Marley's Ghost · #12 09-27-2009, 07:52 PM

Run away. Head for the hills. Burn rubber. Hightail it out of there. Get out of dodge. Change your phone number and email address. Wear a disguise.

I think you get the message.

WookieeForLife · #13 09-27-2009, 08:46 PM

Go on the internet and ask the sane-ist people on earth about advice on your relationship. Honestly go with you gut.

Jimmy Bones · #14 09-27-2009, 09:24 PM

I bet she plays drums, too.

Fontaine · #15 09-27-2009, 09:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimmy Bones

I bet she plays drums, too.

ziiiiiiiing

But seriously, if you feel you need to take time with her to build up the trust again, that kind of makes sense. But to throw away everything and just say forget, I don't know if that's the right decision, I think you should really have a serious talk with her, find out where shes coming from and just give her another chance if everything makes sense. But hey that's just my personal opinion on things.

IconBasser · #16 09-27-2009, 09:43 PM

based on the limited information we have, I agree with Stanley.

that said, there are some very valid counter-arguments.

OP, I think we need more info about the ex, personality, integrity, is she secretive, etc...

cassanova · #17 09-27-2009, 09:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dave64o

I can't agree with that. For one thing, I have to wonder what other secrets she might still be hiding. Or if she's not hiding any right now, what might she hide in the future.

Second, let's turn this scenario around so that cassanova was the married one who hid that fact from the girl. She could be on Oprah the next day telling the whole country about her tale of woe at the hand of some ... some .... some .... MAN!!! Then 150 million women in the USA would storm his home with pitchforks and torches

A woman would be applauded for ditching a man who did that to her so I say she deserves just as harsh a send off as any man would be given. Ditch her and never look back. Ever. She can't be trusted.

That's exactly what I thought.

Truer words have never been spoken. Women are praised by each other for getting out of relationships like these, but God forbid a man ends it for them lying and holding major secrets.

I pretty much agree with you on the trust issue. She made a comment about a month or so ago (and this is where the cold, bitter, mean, etc, part comes into play) implying that she did something sexual with a guy she knows but couldn't really remember because she was drunk. She then said she was joking. We were broken up but, either way, not a good thing say to someone that doesn't trust you. This and one or two other things she said pretty much killed off any chance of me getting back together with her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by WookieeForLife

Go on the internet and ask the sane-ist people on earth about advice on your relationship. Honestly go with you gut.

I'm not asking for any advice, I'm simply venting.

two fingers · #18 09-27-2009, 10:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Simo98

I think your doing the right thing, take it slow, build trust again.

If she can't deal with that, well, its probably not going to work out in the long run.

My thoughts exactly. You offered her something in the middle and (so far) she hasn't taken it. You went far enough I think. Sorry to hear about your troubles.

cassanova · #19 09-27-2009, 10:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by two fingers

My thoughts exactly. You offered her something in the middle and (so far) she hasn't taken it. You went far enough I think. Sorry to hear about your troubles.

Those were my thoughts too as of last night. She kept saying things like "I want you in my life." I kept trying to tell her, I am because her and I are still talking. Unfortunately, she doesn't see it that way.

The psych major in me is trying to figure out why the Hell I feel bad about this though. The only thing I can come up with is because I'm usually the one that's dumped or interested in someone that doesn't wanna be with me. I know it hurts and maybe that's why I feel bad. Hell if I know for sure though.

two fingers · #20 09-27-2009, 10:20 PM

You feel bad because you are not a terrible person. And hurting ANYONE (whether they deserve it or not) feels bad if you are not a terrible person. My first wife cheated on me. She begged me to take her back. It ripped my heart out to tell her no. She was crushed. And although she didn't "deserve" my trust, or love any more, it hurt ME as well. But now I'm with my soul mate and from what I hear she's doing fine as well. I don't hate her, or wish her any pain. Life goes on. Slowly and painfully at first, but it goes on. No matter how it turns out, I wish you the best. Only YOU can decide what's right for you.