Any wanker can lose weight; it takes a
man to buck public opinion and keep every ounce of hard-earned fat on his testosterone (and sweat)-soaked frame.
Just call yourself an old school Samoan and tell everybody to get nicked.
Of course, if there are health issues involved, then perhaps you might consider moderation in your struggle to cultivate the Perfect Ass-Crack. Nothing flings the fig in the face of opposition like growing old, fat and ornery, but it's best to enjoy the journey with a minimum of physical ailments. That being said, I humbly suggest an exercise/lifestyle program suited for y/our quest:
1) Curls.
These can best be done with beer. Of course,
VB is good for this, but stubbies aren't big enough to satisfy the demands of both thirst and biceps. I suggest using 'growlers', which normally hold a half gallon. (Heineken mini-kegs are acceptable substitutes.)
Do 10 reps every minute, and I promise you that you won't even feel the burn at the end of your workout.
Don't forget to use both arms.
2) Push-ups.
I find it best to use a risk/reward system, such as placing a pavlova beneath your face, during these. The reward? You get to take a bite during each rep. The risk? Suffocation if you can't push yourself up. Either way, you are motivated.
3) Dietary concerns.
Do you like fried fish, but are afraid of ingesting all that grease? Tired of constipation? Try
butterfish! (See the section 'Effects of Consumption'.) With this tasty little morsel, you can have it all! Good taste
and regularity!
Couple this with cabbage, onions and broccoli, and worries about a sweaty crack will melt away (along with your social life).
I hope these suggestions help give you hope for a better tomorrow. If you want more tips, please let me know. I exist only to serve.
After all, this is your moist butt crack we're talking about.
