Girlfriend issue...

Macrocosmcwh · #1 01-13-2013, 09:07 AM

Well this is not really a girlfriend issue... this is more of a general trust issue. I have been playing bass for about three years now. I started to play bass because a local band needed a bass player because theirs was a bit of an alcoholic. I was a cellist in college and was able to play along pretty easily... (It was metal.... not that hard) Anyway I digress... I was kicked out of the band because I did not "fit the image". So I have been playing a learning for myself. But I have not been playing with a band since then. I really miss making music with other people. REALLY BAD...

Here is where the girlfriend issue comes in. I love my girlfriend so so much, but she does not want me to join a band because of the "groupie" issues. I seriously think that she believes that I am going to jump into bed with the first speaker bunny that I find. With my job, I would have to find a band that only played out every so often anyway...

So my question. Have any of you had any of these issues? What did you do to "fix them"??

Please refrain from saying.... "leave her" or "put your foot down"... I do respect and love her VERY MUCH. I have kids that love her as well... and it would not be fair to them or her to do so.

I am ok with playing bass and getting better for myself... Just deep inside I have a sincere desire to be creative with other people. I am sure you all understand.

Thanks as always for your input!

millahh · #2 01-13-2013, 09:21 AM

A serious conversation needs to be had, about why she thinks you're unable to keep it in your pants. Was she raised in a "culture" that said men were unable to control themselves? Did she have a bad experience with being cheated on in the past? Is there something in your past, or the history of your relationship that give her reason to worry? Does she simply not respect you or what is important to you? Are there other aspects of your life where she is controlling? And why is she so reliant on stereotypes?

I'm not saying drop her, or just do it anyway, but there's an underlying dysfunction here that needs to be resolved...take it from one who has been through it.

vegas532 · #3 01-13-2013, 09:21 AM

I don't know what to tell you other than invite her to shows, but find a way to explain that rehearsals are work. That way, she can do her part to "keep an eye one you". That is a bit of a dilemma and there really is no easy solution when faced with another's insecurities. Also explain to her that being in a band to "get girls" is the ABSOLUTE worst reason that anyone should get in a band.

vegas532 · #4 01-13-2013, 09:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by millahh

I'm not saying drop her, or just do it anyway, but there's an underlying dysfunction here that needs to be resolved...take it from one who has been through it.

Oh...and this! I've been here as well.

**WoodyJ** · #5 01-13-2013, 09:26 AM

A successful, lasting relationship is based on mutual trust.

Your GF may have had a bad experience with a former boyfriend who cheated on her which may explain her actions. In any event, if your relationship with her has lasted awhile and she doesn't have full and complete trust in you, that does not bode well for the future of the relationship.

From experience, I can tell you that a lot of women have a difficult time dealing with being in a relationship with a working musician.

I'm not a psychologist but on the surface it appears that she may have some self-esteem issues...

Macrocosmcwh · #6 01-13-2013, 09:30 AM

When we met, I was about 4-5 years out of a divorce. I had been a bit of a floosy while I was single, I must admit. When we decided to become serious... (she moved here and in with me) I still had some "loose ends" that I felt I needed to respectfully close. I am just not the guy that can quickly tell people to screw off. So there were some texts exchanged with old "friends" that she found. She felt as if I was still with these people in some way. So in her mind, though I never touched anyone else after she moved in, she believes there was infidelity on my part after we became serious. So the trust issues I suppose are my fault if I am to be honest. She loves going to shows and listening to live music. I just think she has an image in her mind as to what a musician "reallllly does" when they are in a band. If you saw what I looked like you would really think that it is funny that any girl would be interested in me based on my looks.... =)

It is now almost two years since she moved in.... there has NOT BEEN ANY INFIDELITY at all in this relationship... But I think that she still BELIEVES that it could become an issue.

One point of note... I have talked with her about it... She just says that she does not want to be with a person who is gone most nights and plays shows... So it should be known that I THINK that it is more about her concern that I will be un-faithful more than the time spent away.... But perhaps I should just not read between the lines and take what she is saying for face value.

I dunno... I just assumed I was not the only one that has had to "fix this" so I came here.

Moe Monsarrat · #7 01-13-2013, 09:35 AM

I've been dealing with this my whole life. If you want to perform publicly it will always be there. Your GF must understand that you are not looking for any funny business, but are also not in control of strange women. They do things for various reasons which can get you into trouble and sometimes that's exactly what they want. If your GF is already freaking and you aren't even in a band yet, she sounds pretty insecure. I cannot tell you a cure for that and I've been looking for one a long long time.

cableguy · #8 01-13-2013, 09:39 AM

There is a trust issue that does need some talking about. Inviting her to shows can help depending on the type of band. If there is money to be made usually the GF will drink your share if she has any drinking issues. If it's a dance band, how do you feel about your GF dancing with other dudes?

Another option may be to play in a P&W band depending on your beliefs.

But anything will be a sticky slope if the trust issue isn't worked out. If you give up music to please her, you will start to feel a lot of resentment over time that will also poison the relationship. Good luck.....

Macrocosmcwh · #9 01-13-2013, 09:39 AM

The funny thing is... I really dont want to be in a typical "Rock Band"... More of a Blues Traveler type thing at this point in my life. I dont look good without my shirt on or in tight clothes. I dont have long hair or tattoos.... lol I would be just as happy playing in a coffee house as I would be in a Bar somewhere.

Just when you spend your entire "adult" life performing (albeit Cello in an orchestra) it really sucks when you cant go out and play without issues. Heck I cant even go do Karaoke because of the trust issue!!! LOL (One that once again... I take ownership of because of how our relationship started)

Joe Louvar · #10 01-13-2013, 09:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Macrocosmcwh

Well this is not really a girlfriend issue... this is more of a general trust issue. I have been playing bass for about three years now. I started to play bass because a local band needed a bass player because theirs was a bit of an alcoholic. I was a cellist in college and was able to play along pretty easily... (It was metal.... not that hard) Anyway I digress... I was kicked out of the band because I did not "fit the image". So I have been playing a learning for myself. But I have not been playing with a band since then. I really miss making music with other people. REALLY BAD...

Here is where the girlfriend issue comes in. I love my girlfriend so so much, but she does not want me to join a band because of the "groupie" issues. I seriously think that she believes that I am going to jump into bed with the first speaker bunny that I find. With my job, I would have to find a band that only played out every so often anyway...

So my question. Have any of you had any of these issues? What did you do to "fix them"??

Please refrain from saying.... "leave her" or "put your foot down"... I do respect and love her VERY MUCH. I have kids that love her as well... and it would not be fair to them or her to do so.

I am ok with playing bass and getting better for myself... Just deep inside I have a sincere desire to be creative with other people. I am sure you all understand.

Thanks as always for your input!

Hmm, what input do you hope to hear/read from us?

Macrocosmcwh · #11 01-13-2013, 09:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cableguy

...But anything will be a sticky slope if the trust issue isn't worked out. If you give up music to please her, you will start to feel a lot of resentment over time that will also poison the relationship. Good luck.....

I will say this.... NO WOMAN OR PERSON EVER WILL CAUSE ME TO GIVE UP MUSIC.... Just never gonna happen... But I do feel like I am having to give up performing... Which is hard... really hard!

Macrocosmcwh · #12 01-13-2013, 09:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joe Louvar

Hmm, what input do you hope to hear/read from us?

Just a "...what has worked for me"

I assume I am not the only person to have had to deal with this....

godofthunder59 · #13 01-13-2013, 09:44 AM

I have been playing in bands since I was 15, I'm 53 now. Married for over 25 years. My current band plays all the time often out of town. Playing bass is who I am, my wife knows this, I'm not out there to get laid but to rock. it's that simple. I load in make noise and load out. If you cave on this you'll never be able to go out and express yourself. She needs to accept this or your relationship is doomed.

JimiLL · #14 01-13-2013, 09:44 AM

Tell your GF I will let her know the instant myself or anyone I know gets laid because they are in a band

JEDI BASS · #15 01-13-2013, 09:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by millahh

there's an underlying dysfunction here that needs to be resolved...take it from one who has been through it.

My EXwife never trusted me. With her temper and destructive tantrums, she obusively controlled my every moment. Sad too, cause we started out very much in love. I lost friends, bands, all kinds of healthy relationships... and 12 years of my life to her. My stubborn "never quit" mentallity was to blame also.

I started working overtime so she could go back to college and GUESS WHAT... she cheated on me with a classmate!

Someone who doesn't trust is often someone who knows they themselves can't be trusted.

I hope your situation gets better. Get some relationship counseling, it will help.

smcd · #16 01-13-2013, 09:47 AM

I'm not sure this topic belongs in the "basses" section. Regardless....

You have a much bigger problem with this chick than you realize. This "I don't want you to join a band because I fear infidelity" is just the small tip of a big iceberg. Good luck.

MysticMichael · #17 01-13-2013, 09:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Macrocosmcwh

Well this is not really a girlfriend issue... this is more of a general trust issue. I have been playing bass for about three years now. I started to play bass because a local band needed a bass player because theirs was a bit of an alcoholic. I was a cellist in college and was able to play along pretty easily... (It was metal.... not that hard) Anyway I digress... I was kicked out of the band because I did not "fit the image". So I have been playing a learning for myself. But I have not been playing with a band since then. I really miss making music with other people. REALLY BAD...

Here is where the girlfriend issue comes in. I love my girlfriend so so much, but she does not want me to join a band because of the "groupie" issues. I seriously think that she believes that I am going to jump into bed with the first speaker bunny that I find. With my job, I would have to find a band that only played out every so often anyway...

So my question. Have any of you had any of these issues? What did you do to "fix them"??

Please refrain from saying.... "leave her" or "put your foot down"... I do respect and love her VERY MUCH. I have kids that love her as well... and it would not be fair to them or her to do so.

I am ok with playing bass and getting better for myself... Just deep inside I have a sincere desire to be creative with other people. I am sure you all understand.

Thanks as always for your input!

And you decided to post this in the "Basses" forum because...why?

MM

Macrocosmcwh · #18 01-13-2013, 09:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MysticMichael

And you decided to post this in the "Basses" forum because...why?

MM

I keep doing this.... Ugh.... I am sorry... I suppose this is because I am a newb.... Sorry!

I just wanted to get advice on how to deal with this from bass players. Working ones...

bassteban · #19 01-13-2013, 09:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MysticMichael

And you decided to post this in the "Basses" forum because...why?

MM

Because dude needs to be smacked in both heads w/a bass, and deep down, he knows this. Classic Freudian slip

millahh · #20 01-13-2013, 09:53 AM

Well, here's somethign potentially useful:

You came into the relationship under circumstances which led her to feel that she couldn't trust you. But she made the choice to stay despite that. She has to accept the consequences of that decision...she doesn't get an arbitrator that simply gets you to give up things that matter to you. By her deciding to stay, she has an obligation to work through things, instead of just being a psuedo-parole officer.

The two of you need to discuss how you can play in a band in a manner that works for your relationship, not whether you can or can't. She made the decision to stay, and she needs to accept the responsibility and consequences that come with that (you certainly have).