Girlfriend issue... - Page 3

Mike M. · #41 01-13-2013, 10:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moe Monsarrat

Now......Mike has the right idea!! Creative AND profitable. That's Rock & Roll!
Seriously, anyone who is that insecure will become a problem sooner or later and as time passes you'll start resenting her keeping you from being what you really are. Right now it's playing in a band...later it may turn into going to the supermarket or whatever. It does not bode well.

Oh, Lord....but I know this one all to well with my ex-wife. What started off as "what seemed to be insecurity" was a mask for what was the consumate control freak. I couldn't do anything right in her eyes and it was hell. Took me three years after our divorce to figure out who I was because I felt like I lost my identity.

Sure, what happened to me may not happen to you....but it could. Bottom line: you're not married and it's your life. Either she's going to let you prove to her that you can be trusted or she's not. And if she won't budge.....it's your call.

uOpt · #42 01-13-2013, 10:33 AM

She has never been a musician in a small band, right? So she doesn't know that it has about the opposite effect from what she thinks it does wrt attracting the opposite sex. Unless you are a very rare case of charisma or have very low standards.

Realistically any office jockey has much higher chances to find a broad to bang at work, especially if the other guys are rather nondescript and this one is the type who theoretically (if not in practice) could get on a stage as a bassist.

hgiles · #43 01-13-2013, 10:34 AM

I'd ease into by going to some jam sessions. Just sit in whenever the mood strikes. Bring her with you. Let her see that the reality of it is quite benign.

Then maybe join a band that is just getting started. Practicing a lot before their first gig...

Ramp it up from there to see how things go.

Kentucky Ryan · #44 01-13-2013, 10:34 AM

i fixed and issue like that once by ditching her.

Dredmahawkus · #45 01-13-2013, 10:34 AM

SMCD is right.....if this an issue now just wait. this is just the beginning! a bomb ready to go off!

bassguitarthund · #46 01-13-2013, 10:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JEDI BASS

I hope your situation gets better. Get some relationship counseling, it will help.

I agree! She needs to get over her fears/trust issues of playing out in a band. Sometimes it helps to seek professional relationship counseling.

willsellout · #47 01-13-2013, 10:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dredmahawkus

SMCD is right.....if this an issue now just wait. this is just the beginning! a bomb ready to go off!

Classic insecurity. It will be a problem later if not addressed.

It's my opinion that you should do what makes you happy and she should learn to deal with it or move on.

AaronMB · #48 01-13-2013, 10:38 AM

With questions like this/these, I think it'd be interesting, or at least fun, to also note whether we are single, married, or divorced when we give our opinions and experiences.

bkbass2000 · #49 01-13-2013, 10:48 AM

COMPROMISE. She has to be willing to work at trusting you more, and you have to show her that you are trustworthy. If you want to play, you should play. Counseling would be a smart move.

Mudcat35 · #50 01-13-2013, 10:57 AM

This problem is not about you. It's about HER. Period. She clearly has trust issues, and she (or the two of you) would probably benefit from some therapy. You can help by inviting her to participate in the band, i.e. meeting the members, their significant others, etc., inviting her to shows. Your job is to give her NO REASON not to trust you.

The control issue is another matter. She obviously wants to control your actions, possibly out of fear. For now, she wants to limit your involvement with music. Once she's successful in that, she'll move on to other areas of your life. Count on it. In a healthy relationship, neither partner controls the other. You need to nip this in the bud RIGHT NOW.

bassguitarthund · #51 01-13-2013, 11:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AaronMB

With questions like this/these, I think it'd be interesting, or at least fun, to also note whether we are single, married, or divorced when we give our opinions and experiences.

Recently (4 months ago) single, got out of a bad relationship where I was basically being used and found out she was cheating on me. Been dating a really nice girl now. I feel like his one is very promising, however I am taking it slow and cautious now.

Munjibunga · #52 01-13-2013, 11:02 AM

Put your foot down. If she doesn't wise up fast, leave her.

Moe Monsarrat · #53 01-13-2013, 11:04 AM

All that stuff is fine, but it won't help much in the end. If she is bent on thinking you are capable of cheating, nothing will satisfy her except your constant presence. I got divorced after 25 years of marriage & 3 kids (all grown) because she finally had enough of me working and I wouldn't quit and be someone else. Now I have a GF who owns a nightclub and understands my business. Still, sometimes women put me into bad situations but she knows how they are and what their agendas are.

pete rallis · #54 01-13-2013, 11:06 AM

man, if she can't support your playing in a band or whatever it is you want to do, then she is the WRONG woman for you...move on....

drummer5359 · #55 01-13-2013, 11:08 AM

I've been playing in bands my whole life, I'm 53. In my twenties I was with women who had trust issues and me playing out several night s a week plus rehersals. I let them get close enough to see how "glamorous" playing in a band is. It's not.

These days I'm with someone who gets it. She comes out with me to some gigs, but doesn't worry about me screwing around at all if she isn't there.

I understand that she has issues about things that she thinks might have happened when you met. I was dating another woman when Jackie and I first met, four and a half years ago. The other woman sends me a "Happy Birthday" and a "Merry Christmas" text greeting every year. When it pops up on my phone I show it to Jackie immediately. I don't hide anything as there is nothing to hide.

This works for me. Your mileage may vary...

ibateur · #56 01-13-2013, 11:11 AM

I don't think OP currently has a band.

I suggest you start a jam band first, no gigging. That may satisfy your immediate needs and prevent the insecurity issue. Therapy is still probably needed.

Plays_For_Dog · #57 01-13-2013, 11:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kentucky Ryan

i fixed and issue like that once by ditching her.

^lol WIN!^

You can't change the girl.

She either fits you, or she doesn't. Sounds like your girl needs to grow up and let you do things you enjoy. It's your life, not hers.

Go do your own thing and be happy. She either conforms or leaves. Either way, you win.

My wife doesn't care that I'm in a band and gig bars/parties. She kinda likes it. She knows I'm going home with (or coming home to) her at the end of the night. Helps that gigs pay, so essentially, I'm "working".

I did quit a band once for a girl. Yeah, that still wasn't enough and she still dumped me a few months later. Deep down, I just wasn't what she wanted and after trying to change things for her, I wasn't who I wanted either. If she truly loves you, then she will support you doing things you enjoy. She has to love you for you, and that means your silly hobbies and habbits too.

Jealousy over "groupies", or anything for that matter, is immature. She is disrespecting you by telling you that she openly doesn't trust you to do the right thing. Are you suuuuuuuuure she's perfect for you? Or are you clinging on to a potential mom for your children that isn't really a good fit? Are there other things in your life she has tried to take control over? Nagging over a car hobby, your bass collection, the color of the walls in your bathroom, what TV shows you watch, your bed sheets, the way you dress?.... If yes to any of the above, the longer you stay with her, the deeper of a hole your putting yourself in. Just thoughts... Feel free to ignore them and keep wishing you could gig out again.

thisSNsucks · #58 01-13-2013, 11:22 AM

Seriously? The bass player never gets groupies anyway.

Mojo-Man · #59 01-13-2013, 11:23 AM

It's all about trust. No person, no matter how much you care for them should take your self away.
If your a musician, than be a musician. Support your girlfriend.
Try to get her help with her issues. But in the end, there her issues.
I would never, let anyone tell me, I can, or can't play music.

mellowinman · #60 01-13-2013, 11:50 AM

From MY perspective:

(remember, this is what works for ME, and not someone else)

This woman has insecurity issues, and trust issues. I would run for the hills. There isn't even a chance I would spend five more minutes talking to any woman that says she doesn't want me to do something because it might lead to me screwing around.

In fact, there is little chance I would continue to talk to any woman who tells me she doesn't want me to do something I want to do.

I wouldn't do it to them, and they can't do it to me.

Remember, that is how I live, not how YOU have to live.