Girlfriend issue...

[johng999]

I have been through this all my life. You have given your girlfriend some reason to be insecure, but you may also be dealing with a chick that will be insecure no matter what you do.
I was married for 22 years and although my ex-wife always said she supported my music and my interests, in reality she was a somewhat needy person that had a hard time with me being away from her, and it definitely was a problem. In her case, it wasn't so much one of these "oh, you are going to practice again?" type of things but more of the " I've made plans for us on Tuesday - can't you change your practice, or skip it, or whatever...?". So music was always in the way, and there wasn't anything I could do to change it.
I'm just saying that you should work on it, and you've gotten some good advice here, but you may have to deal with the fact that your needs are different and then things become all about priority, choices, and what is really important to you

[Pilgrim]

Originally Posted by Macrocosmcwh

Here is where the girlfriend issue comes in. I love my girlfriend so so much, but she does not want me to join a band because of the "groupie" issues. I seriously think that she believes that I am going to jump into bed with the first speaker bunny that I find. With my job, I would have to find a band that only played out every so often anyway...

So my question. Have any of you had any of these issues? What did you do to "fix them"??

Please refrain from saying.... "leave her" or "put your foot down"... I do respect and love her VERY MUCH. I have kids that love her as well... and it would not be fair to them or her to do so.

You need to have a heart-to-heart. If you are meant to be with her, she needs to get out of the way and let you do what is important to you. If she will not you DO need to head down the road. This isn't just music - this is her controlling your life because of unjustified and unproven fears.

Unless you look and act like Brad Pitt and your band becomes a mega-hit, she has nothing to fear from groupies anyway.

[hrodbert696]

Here's my take:

What's at issue here is not your being in a band, it's her trusting you to be faithful. If you're inclined to cheat, you could find a woman to cheat with whether you're in a band or not. Go to work and have an affair with a co-worker. Heck, you could go to church and have an affair with a church lady. It happens.

With your history, you've given her some reason to think that you might cheat. And for that matter, there IS some risk that you might cheat. Not just you, but anybody - I'm cynical enough not to believe in lily-white angelic people who are just magically immune to temptations. Temptation is a fact of life. If she wants to find a man who has zero risk of ever cheating on her, she should get used to being single or dating liars.

HOWEVER... what you can do is have the heart-to-heart with her. Tell her you love her, that you do not want to cheat on her. That you know your history and you know your heart and the woman you want is her. And, that you're aware of temptations and will avoid them and resist them wherever they arise.

Besides that, like others have said, welcome her to attend gigs (no gfs at practice, though). She can fight off your potential "groupies" to her heart's content. I suspect what's really going to happen is that you'll have to decide what to do about guys hitting on her, instead (we've had threads on that topic in TB, too).

If she can accept the idea that she's in a relationship with a flesh-and-blood person who loves her, then she'll need to learn to trust you, whether in a band or wherever else. If she can't accept that, then you joining a band or not won't matter - the relationship will spiral downhill from the distrust no matter what.

[Dredmahawkus]

Originally Posted by BrandonBass

groupie? since when do bassists attract girls?

Chicks digs dudes that can keep the rhythm all night long!

[klejst]

I am going to refrain from simply saying the "leave her" stuff because I don't think that needs to be taken that far. However I do agree that you need to talk to her about why she seems to feel this way. I do think it is a little unfair though for her to slap that stereotype on you that all musicians have groupies and plow any women they can from their shows. Does she have a reason to think all this? I say until you give her a reason she does not and if you truly love this girl like you say she will never have a reason to think this. Do you worry about when she goes out with her girlfriends? It's a two way street if you ask me. Have a talk with her and iron it out otherwise it's going to be one of those road blocks throughout you perusing your musical dreams.

[Illini10]

My wife doesn't really want me to be in a band either. I've never cheated on her and we've been together almost 13 years. The guy she dated before we got together was in a band and had girls hitting on him all the time. . . and he was a pretty big d-bag. She says he never cheated on her with any groupies but she can be a little insecure.

I'm playing with a group of guys from the town I grew up in and the guitarist and I really want to get some gigs when we have enough material (cover and original). I enjoy playing with these guys and I would love to play, even if it was just the local bar in the town of 900 people seven miles from where I live.

So far she's okay with me jamming, we'll see how the worm turns when we get our first gig.

I just keep telling her that I want to make music and I have no interest in bagging any chicks besides her. I told her the only groupie I want to go home with is her.

[klejst]

It sounds like so far it is just common women insecurities, it's just the way women are. They sometimes feel insecure when other women are involved or around, especially if the other women are giving their man attention. Call it jealousy sure, however it's just how women are. All the women I have been in relationships with I tell them flat out they have nothing to worry about. It's never my intention to make them jealous on purpose, however news flash girls do show up to shows and also may come up and talk to you. Now that could be as simple as they want to buy a shirt or to tell you how much they like your band and music, but in your girls eyes to them it seems like that girl is hitting on you and trying to become "the groupie."

I think it's a bit unfair women judge other men in bands based off the stereotypes or previous men they been with that were also in bands or not and it just did not work out for whatever reason. It's her and you now, that stuff should not even matter. It's funny, I too would get this kind of stuff from women I have dated in the past about me being in bands and such, but I often say nothing when her and her friends are out on the dance floor or up on the DJ stage shaking their a**es for all to see and enjoy the show. I say trust is key here and unless someone slips and there is a reason to worry or pull out insecurities then I say just love doing what you want. Life is too short.

[Munjibunga]

Originally Posted by Macrocosmcwh

... She just says that she does not want to be with a person who is gone most nights and plays shows ... But perhaps I should just not read between the lines and take what she is saying for face value.

Sounds to me that, given what your passion is, she's really saying she doesn't want to be with you. Or is playing music not a big part of you? If you're willing to give it up, it may work out, but what will be the next thing she says may lead to your infidelity? It seems pretty controlling to me, and she uses that red herring to keep you under her thumb.

[sarcastro83]

Originally Posted by Jim C

To the OP:
It's all about the "C" word; communication.
Here's a few tips that might help.
* Every time you leave for rehearsal or a gig, tell her your love her and that there will be no elements of infidelity
* Come home sober
* Call/text at midnight if it's a late gig
* Don't hang around after the end; load up and get out of there
* Call/text when you leave
* Come home sober
* Professional counseling with someone you both trust is good advice whether the issue is being in a band or that you put too much ketchup on your cheeseburger
* Relationships rarely end over world politics or religion; it's usually sex, money, fear, or lack of communication that kills them (IMO/IME)

With all due respect, this is literally the worst advice for this particular problem I've ever read. This is completely enabling the kind of non-trusting, co-dependent, clingy behaviour outlined in the original post. Being a gigging, hobby musician should not entail the kind of "reporting in" outlined here. She is his girlfriend, not his mother/parole officer. It is obvious that couples need to communicate, but couples also need their own personal space as well. Nobody's lack of trust should be this intrusive.

OP, you are a grown man capable of making your own decisions, and you have a right to enjoy your hobbies with whom you please. If the level of trust in your relationship does not permit this, then I would suggest you reconsider a relationship with someone this co-dependent and non-trusting. Unless you've cheated on her in the past, I GUARANTEE that if something as benign as you playing music with other people in front of other people causes her to doubt your fidelity, she will only get clingier in the future.

[Munjibunga]

Originally Posted by Jim C

To the OP:
It's all about the "C" word; communication.
Here's a few tips that might help.
* Every time you leave for rehearsal or a gig, tell her your love her and that there will be no elements of infidelity
* Come home sober
* Call/text at midnight if it's a late gig
* Don't hang around after the end; load up and get out of there
* Call/text when you leave
* Come home sober
* Professional counseling with someone you both trust is good advice whether the issue is being in a band or that you put too much ketchup on your cheeseburger
* Relationships rarely end over world politics or religion; it's usually sex, money, fear, or lack of communication that kills them (IMO/IME)

Really? I have to make a gig checklist to make sure I don't leave anything home when I load up for a gig. Now I have to make a checklist so I don't forget all the things I have to do to assuage some neurotic woman's insecurity? (Referring to the hypothetical woman Jim C is talking about, not the OP's girlfriend.) The OP should do what I did 31 years ago with my wife. I said, "I'll make you a deal. I won't cheat on you, and you don't bother me with jealousy." We've both lived up to our ends of the deal for all 31 years.

[hbarcat]

If it were me, I would inform my girlfriend that I have no intention of remaining exclusive to only one romantic partner and will date whomever I wanted whenever I wanted, including spontaneous hook-ups, regardless of gender.

Of course, to be fair, the same expectations applied to her so she could persue her own intimate relationships as she wished.

If you both can abandon your petty jealousies and allow each other some healthy romantic variety, then you might find that your personal attachment to each other, along with mutual trust, growing stronger. Let her decide if she wants to stay with you under those conditions.

But that's just me. If you're like most people, you'll probably marry her and let her talk you into giving up all the fun things you love in life in a futile attempt to avoid situations that might make her jealous of you and suspicious of your behavior. If you so much as glance at another girl she will use it as an opportunity to pick away at the dwindling remnants of your soul for days or even weeks at a time.

Years from now, your resentment of her will more than outweigh you pity and hopefully you'll realize your mistake and get divorced before you snap during a drunken argument and throw her down a flight of stairs.

[LiquidMidnight]

Originally Posted by Kmonk

If someone is going to cheat and the opportunity presents itself they will do it no matter what career or hobby they have. Some people just don't understand this. They think that just because someone is in a band they will automatically cheat. I can honestly say that in my 35 years of playing, I have never picked up anyone at a gig while I was in a relationship.

This!

Also, I don't think people really realize how boring the working musician's life can be. Yeah, it's glitz and glam up on stage, but for the most part, we're not living like the Rolling Stones. We get our equipment off stage at the end of the night, maybe break down PA and lights, and get out of the club ASAP so the bar manager isn't pissed that they have to stay late because we won't get out.

[JEDI BASS]

Originally Posted by Mike M.

Oh, Lord....but I know this one all to well with my ex-wife. What started off as "what seemed to be insecurity" was a mask for what was the consumate control freak. I couldn't do anything right in her eyes and it was hell. Took me three years after our divorce to figure out who I was because I felt like I lost my identity.

Sure, what happened to me may not happen to you....but it could. Bottom line: you're not married and it's your life. Either she's going to let you prove to her that you can be trusted or she's not. And if she won't budge.....it's your call.

Yep! My story too!

[JEDI BASS]

Originally Posted by AaronMB

With questions like this/these, I think it'd be interesting, or at least fun, to also note whether we are single, married, or divorced when we give our opinions and experiences.

Very happily married now, after divorcing an insecure controlling abuser. My wife and I navigate our lives together, side-by-side, letting each other breath and do our own things. The funny thing: we still choose to be together almost all of the time. A relationship with trust and no insecurities will unlock a sex-life that no tramp at a gig could ever compare too.

[lfmn16]

You can't FIX another person. As others have said, she has trust issues. This type of problem only gets worse.

[klejst]

At your age you should not have to make a check list of things to do or not do to somewhat maybe make her happy. She does sound very controlling. And she does not want to be with someone who is gone every night? So does she never leave the house or what? She has major trust issues and it really sounds like you are paying for how her past boyfriend was. Perhaps you should just live your life and she needs to find someone else who comfortable forfeiting all their hobbies and plans for the future just to be with her 24/7 so she can keep tabs on you apparently. A bit harsh, but just being honest.

[Jim Nazium]

Originally Posted by Macrocosmcwh

...she does not want me to join a band because of the "groupie" issues.

This cracks me up. What groupie issues? When I'm on a gig and I meet a woman, the second thing I say to her (after "Hi, I'm Jim, the bass player") is usually "Wait! Don't leave! I have a real job too! This is just a hobby!"

[hrodbert696]

Originally Posted by Jim C

To the OP:
It's all about the "C" word; communication.
Here's a few tips that might help.
* Every time you leave for rehearsal or a gig, tell her your love her and that there will be no elements of infidelity
* Come home sober
* Call/text at midnight if it's a late gig
* Don't hang around after the end; load up and get out of there
* Call/text when you leave
* Come home sober
* Professional counseling with someone you both trust is good advice whether the issue is being in a band or that you put too much ketchup on your cheeseburger
* Relationships rarely end over world politics or religion; it's usually sex, money, fear, or lack of communication that kills them (IMO/IME)

Originally Posted by sarcastro83

With all due respect, this is literally the worst advice for this particular problem I've ever read. This is completely enabling the kind of non-trusting, co-dependent, clingy behaviour outlined in the original post. Being a gigging, hobby musician should not entail the kind of "reporting in" outlined here. She is his girlfriend, not his mother/parole officer. It is obvious that couples need to communicate, but couples also need their own personal space as well. Nobody's lack of trust should be this intrusive.

OP, you are a grown man capable of making your own decisions, and you have a right to enjoy your hobbies with whom you please. If the level of trust in your relationship does not permit this, then I would suggest you reconsider a relationship with someone this co-dependent and non-trusting. Unless you've cheated on her in the past, I GUARANTEE that if something as benign as you playing music with other people in front of other people causes her to doubt your fidelity, she will only get clingier in the future.

Originally Posted by Munjibunga

Really? I have to make a gig checklist to make sure I don't leave anything home when I load up for a gig. Now I have to make a checklist so I don't forget all the things I have to do to assuage some neurotic woman's insecurity? (Referring to the hypothetical woman Jim C is talking about, not the OP's girlfriend.) The OP should do what I did 31 years ago with my wife. I said, "I'll make you a deal. I won't cheat on you, and you don't bother me with jealousy." We've both lived up to our ends of the deal for all 31 years.

Actually, y'all, that was perfectly good relationship advice. Shouldn't have to be a checklist, but it's mostly stuff a guy in a relationship should do anyway. You don't need to announce to your woman "I won't cheat on you today" but you certainly should be telling her you love her every day. Anybody should be coming home sober from gigs anyway, especially assuming that they're driving.

I don't necessarily agree about all the calling/texting. Just tell her when you'll be home and honor that. Call or text if you're not going to make it. I don't feel any need to wake my wife up with a 1 am phone call to say I'm coming home when I had already told her the gig was till 1 anyway. I don't see a problem with hanging around for a drink after the show but you don't have to make an all-night afterparty of it like you're scared to go home.

[DWBass]

Sorry, local bands don't get 'groupies' much less bass players! She's outta her mind!

[MatticusMania]

Originally Posted by Macrocosmcwh

Here is where the girlfriend issue comes in. I love my girlfriend so so much, but she does not want me to join a band because of the "groupie" issues. I seriously think that she believes that I am going to jump into bed with the first speaker bunny that I find.

Have you told her that youre playing the bass? No groupies hover around the bass player, so this is a nonissue.

Originally Posted by Macrocosmcwh

One point of note... I have talked with her about it... She just says that she does not want to be with a person who is gone most nights and plays shows... So it should be known that I THINK that it is more about her concern that I will be un-faithful more than the time spent away.... But perhaps I should just not read between the lines and take what she is saying for face value.

If thats really her concern, explain to her that one night a week, plus the occasional gig isnt really that often, and that shes welcome to come along to your gigs.

Originally Posted by AaronMB

With questions like this/these, I think it'd be interesting, or at least fun, to also note whether we are single, married, or divorced when we give our opinions and experiences.

Hey, why not. Im twice divorced. My first wife had similar insecurity issues as a result of being cheated on in previous relationships. She didnt like me being around any women, including friends I had for a long time. She caused a lot of issues for me at gigs and I eventually left her because of her mistrust. Basically any time a woman would walk past me an argument would ensue.

My second wife, she was much better about trust and the whole being in a band thing. She sang in a band herself. I eventually left her after I caught her cheating on me when I came home from practice early.

My current girlfriend, no issues as far as trust or being in the band goes. She enjoys going to shows.