Had the custody and support convo with my ex wife today

DwaynieAD · #1 03-25-2011, 08:34 AM

feeling kinda shakey. i know how badly that kind of thing can go, and i know how abusive to me the system can be, so its no wonder. thankfully we agreed that i can determine what i can afford support wise and we will keep that out of courts. i'm really thankful for that.

not happy about the fact that i'll only have my son one night a week and every other weekend.

quick background my son is starting kindergarten this coming fall, originally in our seperation agreement this custody arraingment would start april 10th (i have no idea why) we decided to push it back until august 10th, thankful for that too.

**cheezewiz** · #2 03-25-2011, 09:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DwaynieAD

feeling kinda shakey. i know how badly that kind of thing can go, and i know how abusive to me the system can be, so its no wonder. thankfully we agreed that i can determine what i can afford support wise and we will keep that out of courts. i'm really thankful for that.

not happy about the fact that i'll only have my son one night a week and every other weekend.

quick background my son is starting kindergarten this coming fall, originally in our seperation agreement this custody arraingment would start april 10th (i have no idea why) we decided to push it back until august 10th, thankful for that too.

Talk to a lawyer NOW. Be aware, that in most States, child support you pay her under the table does NOT count. She could get a burr up her butt and take you to Court for child support dating from the first day of your separation, and even with reciepts, NOTHING you had paid her that didn't go through the Bureau of Support would count. Also, almost everywhere, unless you are an extreme loser (and you don't sound like one), you can get joint custody. Dad's DO NOT have to settle for every other weekend. Your ex does NOT get to dictate how things go just because she's a woman (even though most ex wifes believe this). Your child will thank you later. You do NOT want to be an every other weekend dad if you want to have any effect on your child's life.

**colcifer** · #3 03-25-2011, 10:22 AM

PM sent.

gttim · #4 03-25-2011, 10:39 AM

Lawyers are good for this, but sometimes it is worth not getting them involved. Remember however, that child support and custody issues can be litigated until the child is an adult. If you can keep it between the two of you, and you are fairly happy with the arrangement, it might be the way to go now. Do document everything, even if just in a journal. Keep all emails and letters. Any money you do give her needs to be by check so you have some proof of payments.

I have seen horrible and expensive fights over custody. I have also seen a friend manage to deal with his ex and child support without ever going to court. They did not ever go to court or hire lawyers, he ended up with a pretty sweet deal and still managed to stay very close with his son.

Sometimes a slightly bad settlement is better than a courtroom win. Good luck!

dave64o · #5 03-25-2011, 12:18 PM

From I've seen from friends and co-workers, your friend is a very lucky exception to the rule.

The courts - and ex-wives - can be VERY unfair to fathers, no matter how good a guy they are and no matter how unfit the mother actually is. It's unfortunate it has to work this way, but a lawyer is almost always needed to help ensure that a good man retains his right to continue to be a father to his kids after a divorce.

MakiSupaStar · #6 03-25-2011, 01:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cheezewiz

Talk to a lawyer NOW. Be aware, that in most States, child support you pay her under the table does NOT count. She could get a burr up her butt and take you to Court for child support dating from the first day of your separation, and even with reciepts, NOTHING you had paid her that didn't go through the Bureau of Support would count. Also, almost everywhere, unless you are an extreme loser (and you don't sound like one), you can get joint custody. Dad's DO NOT have to settle for every other weekend. Your ex does NOT get to dictate how things go just because she's a woman (even though most ex wifes believe this). Your child will thank you later. You do NOT want to be an every other weekend dad if you want to have any effect on your child's life.

this

DwaynieAD · #7 03-25-2011, 01:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cheezewiz

Talk to a lawyer NOW. Be aware, that in most States, child support you pay her under the table does NOT count. She could get a burr up her butt and take you to Court for child support dating from the first day of your separation, and even with reciepts, NOTHING you had paid her that didn't go through the Bureau of Support would count. Also, almost everywhere, unless you are an extreme loser (and you don't sound like one), you can get joint custody. Dad's DO NOT have to settle for every other weekend. Your ex does NOT get to dictate how things go just because she's a woman (even though most ex wifes believe this). Your child will thank you later. You do NOT want to be an every other weekend dad if you want to have any effect on your child's life.

in pennsylvania the woman is automatically considered primary caregiver even if she only has him 50% of the time. as it stands now she could take me for childsupport and the minimum child support for pennsylvania is just over 400.00. this has all already been confirmed with my lawyer (yeah i have one)

also in pennsylvania money payed outside of the child support enforcement agency counts, as does any daycare i've payed for and several other things, as long as i right checks i'm good there..

the custody was agreed upon when we divorced. to change it now would mean a legal battle of which my chances of winning are pretty slim.

i do already live in fear of her getting a "burr in her butt" daily, but she is acting amicably for the time being and i believe my best course of action is to do the same.

one of the first things she said to me was "i know the agreement says every other weekend and one night a week, but obviously you can get him more than that, i dont want him to be without his dad" i'm just hoping she holds on to that line of thinking. we both realize that Dante (our son) is the important part of all this and the bad blood between her and I seems to be gone

EricF · #8 03-25-2011, 01:49 PM

As a part-time dad of a daughter from my test-wife, very aware of the delicate balance between getting what you want and keeping things from getting nasty and retaliatory (which ALWAYS hurts the child most). Based on what you've told us, it sounds like your ex is open to being flexible with the schedule and values you as her son's father. I encourage you to talk with your ex about working out how to have more time with your son. You will BOTH benefit from it. Good luck.

rayzak · #9 03-25-2011, 01:49 PM

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's most certainly not easy.
I've got to ask... why do you only get him one night a week? Two and every other weekend is the "standard". Even with joint Legal custody(as opposed to joint physical) allows the dad to have them twice a week.

Also, make sure to get everything documented legally. Once time goes on, she may try to change her mind. You know how it is. She'll meet a guy, eventually, and he'll try to convince her that she's not getting enough child support, etc. Just protect yourself and your son.

Good luck, bro. If you'd like to vent, feel free to PM me.

HailCorduroy · #10 03-25-2011, 02:01 PM

Is the amount you are paying in support in the divorce agreement? If not and it is less than what you would be paying based on the standard amount, you need to get it in writing and officially filed with the court. Trust me, you don't want to get stuck paying back support. My ex and I had an amount in our divorce agreement, then I lost my job and had to take a big pay cut to get another one. We agreed to reduce the amount and that's what I paid for over a year. When I was about to get remarried, I thought it best that I go thru the system and get it officially set at that amount. My ex freaked out thinking I was trying to cheat her out of something and went to a lawyer and I ended up having to pay all the difference between the original amount and our verbal agreement.

**colcifer** · #11 03-25-2011, 02:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DwaynieAD

one of the first things she said to me was "i know the agreement says every other weekend and one night a week, but obviously you can get him more than that, i dont want him to be without his dad" i'm just hoping she holds on to that line of thinking. we both realize that Dante (our son) is the important part of all this and the bad blood between her and I seems to be gone

Slow Clap

DwaynieAD · #12 03-25-2011, 03:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HailCorduroy

Is the amount you are paying in support in the divorce agreement? If not and it is less than what you would be paying based on the standard amount, you need to get it in writing and officially filed with the court. Trust me, you don't want to get stuck paying back support. My ex and I had an amount in our divorce agreement, then I lost my job and had to take a big pay cut to get another one. We agreed to reduce the amount and that's what I paid for over a year. When I was about to get remarried, I thought it best that I go thru the system and get it officially set at that amount. My ex freaked out thinking I was trying to cheat her out of something and went to a lawyer and I ended up having to pay all the difference between the original amount and our verbal agreement.

the agreement says we can agree outside of court or determine it in court at a later date.. i really dont know how that ever flew.

we have agreed to 2 nights a week plus every other weekend, then if i want him more here and there asking and she says it shouldnt be a problem and it never has been in the past.

she has been in a steady relationship for a little over 2 years now i think that really helps cuz the dude likes me. (kinda weird)