Help, critique my e-mail for employment, please

BassRookie · #1 05-13-2010, 09:57 AM

I want to get a job at a hockey store. I need to send an e-mail to contact them. I would much rather do this over the phone, but it's not an option. I was hoping to get some feedback before I send it out. If any of you guys have a couple of free minutes I would really appreciate a quick critique...

Thanks for any help!

------------------------------------------------------------

Mr. Lastname,

I'm sending this e-mail to inquire about employment with BlahBlah, Inc. I am interested in applying for the position of Retail Manager. I feel this would be an excellent opportunity for me and I believe I can be an asset to BlahBlah, Inc.

A little about me:

- I am 34 years old.
- I have 1.5 years of experience as manager of a small hockey shop. Some responsibilities included opening/closing, cash management, customer service, sales, web sales, shipping, website maintenance, answering e-mails, equipment repair, equipment fitting and general store maintenance.
- I have the ability to build a report with customers and gain their trust to promote repeat business.
- I am a men's league ice hockey goalie.
- I have a real passion for the game, the position and the equipment.

I hope you will consider me for employment with BlahBlah, Inc. Thank you for your time. I look forward to your response.

Regards,

MyName
e-mail
phone

MatticusMania · #2 05-13-2010, 10:06 AM

They have Hockey Stores?

Your email seems okay to me. If I were the manager I would give you an interview.

standupright · #3 05-13-2010, 10:08 AM

Intead of saying " feel this would be an excellent opportunity for me and I believe I can be an asset to BlahBlah, Inc. "

try " feel this would be an excellent opportunity for me to provide your company with management and service skills that are industry specific due to my following qualifications-

<Leave off your age>

- I have 1.5 years of experience as <a> manager of a small hockey shop. Some responsibilities included opening/closing, cash management, customer service, sales, web sales, shipping, website maintenance, answering e-mails, equipment repair, equipment fitting and general store maintenance.
- I have the ability to build a report with customers and gain their trust to promote repeat business. <provide examples of how you accomplished this>
- I am a men's league ice hockey goalie. <length of time playing hockey>
- I have a real passion for the game, the position and the equipment. <try to expand a little here>

<I have attached my resume for your review and consideration and look forward to speaking with you about this opportunity>

jive1 · #4 05-13-2010, 10:10 AM

You build a rapport with clients...

Other than that, it looks good.

standupright · #5 05-13-2010, 10:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jive1

You build a rapport with clients...

Other than that, it looks good.

ooooooh good catch.

MakiSupaStar · #6 05-13-2010, 10:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by standupright

Intead of saying " feel this would be an excellent opportunity for me and I believe I can be an asset to BlahBlah, Inc. "

try " feel this would be an excellent opportunity for me to provide your company with management and service skills that are industry specific due to my following qualifications-

This is an excellent opportunity for me to provide your company with management and service skills that are industry specific due to my following qualifications -

<Leave off your age>

- I have 1.5 years of experience as <a> manager of a small hockey shop. Some responsibilities included opening/closing, cash management, customer service, sales, web sales, shipping, website maintenance, email correspondence, equipment repair/fitting and store maintenance.
- I have excellent customer rapport that promotes repeat business. <provide examples of how you accomplished this>
- I am a men's league ice hockey goalie. <length of time playing hockey>
- I have a real passion for the game, and hands-on experience with the equipment. <try to expand a little here>

<I have attached my resume for your review and consideration and look forward to speaking with you about this opportunity>

In addition to this I would use only assertive language. I've made some changes in red.

BassRookie · #7 05-13-2010, 10:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by standupright

try " feel this would be an excellent opportunity for me to provide your company with management and service skills that are industry specific due to my following qualifications-

Nice, I like that.

Quote:

I originally called and they said just send an e-mail and tell us about yourself, but did not ask for a resume. I'm afraid they might not open an unknown e-mail with an attachment.

Should I send it anyway?

Quote:

Originally Posted by jive1

You build a rapport with clients...

Other than that, it looks good.

Ugh! Thank you!! That was pretty dumb. I put partial blame on Stephen Colbert. Oh, the pain it would have caused if that was caught after I sent it. THANK YOU!!

You guys were a big help. I appreciate it. Thank you!

Joe

jive1 · #8 05-13-2010, 11:01 AM

As the owner of a specialty retail operation, here's some embellishments I would love to see.

- Building rapport with clients - "I like to get to know my clientele so I can best assess their tastes and needs, and match them to the products we carry to insure satisfaction, and use that satisfaction towards repeat business."

- Being a men's league goalie - "As you know, as a goalie, I'm the guy who uses the most equipment. Because of that I have practical knowledge of equipment that not only increases performance, but also promotes safety. This is practical information that is best determined when a puck is flying at you 100 MPH, and I would be happy to share that with my customers."

- Hands on experience with the equipment - "I have extensive experience with manufacturers such as xxxx, xxxx, and xxxx and am familiar with the different lines they offer. Because of this knowledge, I feel I can come in an help immediately." For extra brownie points put this in "To make all transactions a win-win situation, I will try to match the best product for the customer while maintaining the profit margin of the business".

MakiSupaStar · #9 05-13-2010, 11:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jive1

As the owner of a specialty retail operation, here's some embellishments I would love to see.

- Building rapport with clients - "I like to get to know my clientele so I can best assess their tastes and needs, and match them to the products we carry to insure satisfaction, and use that satisfaction towards repeat business."

- Being a men's league goalie - "As you know, as a goalie, I'm the guy who uses the most equipment. Because of that I have practical knowledge of equipment that not only increases performance, but also promotes safety. This is practical information that is best determined when a puck is flying at you 100 MPH, and I would be happy to share that with my customers."

- Hands on experience with the equipment - "I have extensive experience with manufacturers such as xxxx, xxxx, and xxxx and am familiar with the different lines they offer. Because of this knowledge, I feel I can come in an help immediately." For extra brownie points put this in "To make all transactions a win-win situation, I will try to match the best product for the customer while maintaining the profit margin of the business".

This

BassRookie · #10 05-13-2010, 11:19 AM

Wow, you guys are good.

I have to run out. I'll post my final revision later.

Thanks again!

MJ5150 · #11 05-13-2010, 01:06 PM

Instead of saying what you can do, recap some milestones at your current position.

But really, who wants to work for BlahBlah, Inc anyway??????

-Mike

tycobb73 · #12 05-13-2010, 01:34 PM

I I I IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII.

Its not about you. Its about what you can do for me. How are you going to increase my profit? That's all I care about.

tycobb73 · #13 05-13-2010, 01:35 PM

Look for cover letter advice because that is essentially what you are writing.

Fishheadjoe · #14 05-13-2010, 01:40 PM

If you can quantify how much of an increase your past employer reaped as a direct result of your actions, then I would include that in your letter.
EG..
I joined "ABC" hockey, a small hockey specialty shop approximately 1 and a half years ago. As a result of my interaction with customers and my ability to correctly direct them to the best products, to suit their needs, "ABC" hockey saw a 10% increase in their quarterly sales.
Anyone who can quantify their work accomplishments will get the interview before the applicant who can't.
Fishheadjoe

BassRookie · #15 05-13-2010, 01:56 PM

A lot of great info, but I want to keep it short. I think it's much better now. Thanks for the help everyone!
Here's what I got...

Mr. Lastname,

I'm sending this e-mail to inquire about employment with BlahBlah, inc. I am interested in applying for the position of Retail Manager. This is an excellent opportunity for me to provide your company with management and service skills that are industry specific due to my following qualifications.

- I have 1.5 years of experience as manager of a hockey pro shop. Some responsibilities included opening/closing, cash management, customer service, sales, web sales, website maintenance, e-mail correspondence, shipping, equipment repair/fitting and store maintenance.

- I have been playing ice hockey for 20 years and goalie for the last 8 years. Because of my playing experience, I have practical knowledge of the performance and protection offered with the latest equipment and I am happy to share that knowledge with my customers.

- By getting to know my clientele I am able to build a rapport with them so I can better assess their needs and provide them with excellent service. This will insure customer satisfaction and promote repeat business. To make all transactions a win-win situation, I will try to match the best product for the customer while maintaining the profit margin of the business.

I look forward to speaking with you about this opportunity. Thank you for your time.

Regards,

Myname
e-mail
phone

MakiSupaStar · #16 05-13-2010, 02:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BassRookie

A lot of great info, but I want to keep it short. I think it's much better now. Thanks for the help everyone!
Here's what I got...

Mr. Lastname,

I'm sending this e-mail to inquire about employment with BlahBlah, inc. I am interested in applying for the position of Retail Manager. This is an excellent opportunity for me to provide your company with management and service skills that are industry specific due to my following qualifications.

- I have 1.5 years of experience as manager of a hockey pro shop. Some responsibilities included opening/closing, cash management, customer service, sales, web sales, website maintenance, e-mail correspondence, shipping, equipment repair/fitting and store maintenance.

- I have been playing ice hockey for 20 years and goalie for the last 8 years. Because of my playing experience, I have practical knowledge of the performance and protection offered with the latest equipment and I am happy to share that knowledge with my customers.

- By getting to know my clientele I am able to build a rapport with them so I can better assess their needs and provide them with excellent service. This will insure customer satisfaction and promote repeat business. To make all transactions a win-win situation, I will try to match the best product for the customer while maintaining the profit margin of the business.

I look forward to speaking with you about this opportunity. Thank you for your time.

Regards,

Myname
e-mail
phone

Looks good to me with the exception of the use of 'win-win'. Think of a better way to say that. It's something we use verbally, or on the internet, but not necessarily in written form.

i_got_a_mohawk · #17 05-13-2010, 02:18 PM

"To make all transactions mutually beneficial"?

BassRookie · #18 05-13-2010, 02:44 PM

- By getting to know my clientele I am able to build a rapport with them so I can better assess their needs and provide them with excellent service. This will insure customer satisfaction and promote repeat business. I try will strive to provide what's best for the customer while maintaining the profit margin of the business.

or

- By getting to know my clientele I am able to build a rapport with them so I can better assess their needs and provide them with excellent service. This will insure customer satisfaction and promote repeat business. It also allows me to provide the best product for the customer while maintaining the profit margin of the business.

MakiSupaStar · #19 05-13-2010, 04:11 PM

^I like the second one. The 'try' in the first one implies that there's room for failure.

KeithBMI · #20 05-13-2010, 04:21 PM

i can haz job now?