Help Vince move out Part 2-making the big move

[Vince S.]

I apologize for the long read, but I made a new thread for it because of an event that happened today that cemented my decision to leave.

Some background info:

Last weekend, we went to my cousin's wedding. During the big family get-together, my dad bragged non-stop about my brother being accepted to Penn and his accomplishments in high school, and where he was headed career-wise after college. When my relatives asked about me and what I wanted to do, he quickly changed the subject and would give me an extremely angry and aggravated "just wait 'til we get home" look. Something about this weekend made my father even more angry and spiteful towards me. He wouldn't talk to me, and when I tried to engage in conversation with him (he works in the aviation industry and loves airplanes, so I tried to talk to him about it) he told me to quit bothering him and wasting his time.

Fast forward to today. When I got home from work, he immediately rounded the corner and yelled at me to move the car to the other car port, and said I was too stupid to even realize where to park a car properly. He then started on me for another thing: I got permission from my mother to keep my friend's car on our property this summer. I don't know if my dad found out about my wanting to move out or if it's just another power-grab move on his part, but he ordered me to hand over my friend's car keys, with the excuse that since the car is on his property, it's legally his and he can do what he wants with it. I told him that I was the only one with permission to drive it, to which he exploded and called me a volley of profanity, and gave an ultimatum to hand it over. I stalled for as long as I could, and am trying to extend it so I don't need to hand the keys over until tomorrow.

That's where this plan comes in. I need to make the big move by tonight. I've made phone calls to friends who can put me up for a little bit, and I've started making arrangements to pack up discreetly without being caught. My plan is to take my friend's car, stay with a friend at their residence for the remainder of summer, and continue to work my two summer jobs to build up money. In the meantime I'll also open a new bank account. College-wise, I'm already locked in for Fall 08 semester, but there's no possible way for me to pay it since it's a rather expensive private school. I will probably withdraw at the end of August to stave off my loans entering repayment until I get enough money to start a payment plan. I will also apply to the state university and take out federal loans to pay for it.

Now, my questions:

1. At age 19, can my parents call the police on me once they find out I've left? If so, what can the police do? Since I am a "dependent" on my parents for insurance, etc., am I still legally bound to them? Could they reel me back in, so to speak?

2. That brings me to this question, insurance. I have a doctor appointment in a couple of days. If I go to it, can my father prosecute me for using the insurance that he pays for since I left?

3. How do I go about severing insurance and other financial logistics that are signed under my parents?

4. For one of my jobs, I work at the same company my father works for, although in the building next door. How would I be able to go to work without him catching me there? I can't afford to quit that job, as I need that money now more than ever.

5. Change of address. My bank statements, financial and other paperwork for college and work are mailed to my parents' home. How do I go about changing my official address, and what would I change the address to, since living at my friend's would be a temporary gig until I find an apartment?

I need to make my move tonight, since my dad will be demanding the keys. Once the keys and access to my friend's car is gone, I'm not going to have a chance to leave, so it's now or never. Please help.

Vince

[fenderhutz]

1. They can file a missing persons report. Leave a note saying you left due to not being able to cope with the situation. You are not bound legally.

2. You are covered until your dad removes you. No legal issues until AFTER he officially notifies his insurance company.

3. You don't have to do a thing, it's up to them.

4. That's tricky, but a peace order would help.

5. Get a PO Box at the local post office, call your college and bank and change the address.

[Benjamin Strange]

You should tell your parents that you're going to leave. Don't do it in secret, it will only complicate things. If they continue to be unreasonable, then go. All the legal stuff is up to them, since they are the signees.

[fenderhutz]

Originally Posted by Benjamin Strange

You should tell your parents that you're going to leave. Don't do it in secret, it will only complicate things. If they continue to be unreasonable, then go. All the legal stuff is up to them, since they are the signees.

If you have read his other posts, his father is pretty arrogant regarding certain things and VERY unreasonable.

I would leave a note, at least. A phone call would even work after you left.

[MakiSupaStar]

Geez. What the hell is going on with your dad dude? From what you describe he's acting like a pouty kid.

Still, be the bigger person, especially at work. If he tries to undercut you or demean you at work, talk to your supervisor, and or his supervisor. That's the only place you don't have to tolerate this crap.

[wld3]

I left my parents house for good when I was 17. I had some friends who put me up for a while until I got my own place. It was difficult but worth it. I empathize with your situation. My advice, be smart. Leave a note and give a call. Try not to do anything that will just inflame the situation. Just be very mindful and matter of fact about what you're doing.

Best wishes!

[FrizzleFry]

I'm glad to hear you're finally doing it, you dad's an *******, and everytime I read one of your posts I get really frustrated.

Good luck with the move, It'll be worth it.

[ROON]

Get out of there man.

Recently my parents agreed to let my best friend live with us when things got unbareable at his parents house. He stayed here for around two months until he could afford to rent his own place. He has his own place (room) in a big housing lodge now. It's not glamerous, but the people are nice and most of all, he is happy. He is even off his anti-anxiety medication his pychiatrist perscribed him.

Do it man, his only regret is that he didn't do it sooner.

[UnsungZeros]

Stay strong and hold your ground. It's really tough to do what you're doing. I think you're making the right move. If you don't look out for yourself, nobody else will.

Fenderhutz gave great advice for all of your questions

One additional word of advice is not to talk to your parents. At they very least not until you finally get yourself on your feet in a stable situation. If you see your dad at work, don't say a word to him or even acknowledge him. It is your right to be there, so don't give up the job or fear that he's going to catch you there. However, you might want to watch your back whenever you leave so that he doesn't follow you to where you're staying.

Best of luck to you.

[jrthebassguy]

Yikes dude. Good luck.

[CapnSev]

You have nothing to worry about on insurance stuff, that's all up to your dad. If he wants you off his insurance, he has to do it himself, it's got nothing to do with you.

Since you're 19, you are free to do as you wish. There aren't any legal obligations to your parents anymore.

As for mail - Just change your address on USPS's website https://moversguide.usps.com/?referral=USPS and all your mail will be forwarded to your new address, until you change your address with the senders of your mail.

Also, don't worry about your dad at work. From what you said, it sounds like he won't do anything macho at work. Besides, that's a place that should have zero bearing on your personal relationship, especially if you don't work with the guy.

Good Luck and congrats. Props to you for putting up with this garbage and turning out a smart, sane person.

[Benjamin Strange]

Originally Posted by fenderhutz

If you have read his other posts, his father is pretty arrogant regarding certain things and VERY unreasonable.

I would leave a note, at least. A phone call would even work after you left.

Ah, well... I generally don't read much of the personal type posts here on TB, and I missed his previous.

If the guy is as unreasonable as all that, then by all means move out. Don't keep it a secret, though - leave a note at least. I imagine that all your other fears will become much less worrisome once you get out of your situation.

I myself went through a period where I didn't speak with my father for 12 years, and I know it's not easy dealing with an unreasonable man. Sometimes removing yourself from a bad situation is a good idea - my father mellowed out considerably in those 12 years, and now we're on good terms (although he's still mostly a stranger to me).

[Vince S.]

Hey guys, an update. I'm alright, first of all.

My mother caught me moving my things last night, and she pulled me aside to talk. Long story short, she said that she isn't keen on the way that my father treats me either, but never really spoke up about it. I asked why he treats me the way he does, and she said that deep down he genuinely cares and just had a hard time showing it. I told her that wasn't the case and she knew it, and she admitted it. She said that when I was a young child, I threw a temper tantrum while we were out with some guests my father was trying to impress. I do actually vividly remember that night, and the beating I got from him when we got home. However, I told her that that couldn't be, since any reasonable adult wouldn't hold a grudge for years for what someone did as a young child. My mom didn't seem to have a further explanation at that point, but told me that my father is upset with me because, since I was a child, I never met his expectations. I told her I knew that, and it was apparent to me that the only reason he was paying to keep me in college and force me into a career that he approves of is so he won't risk further personal embarrassment and shame from family and friends.

She then told me that she actually approved of me becoming a Paramedic in the future, and that she thinks I should do what will make me happy in life. She just never spoke up or always sided with him because she thought that would lessen the conflict. She told me to not bail that night, since it would entail numerous hardships and an uncertain future. She said that she'll do whatever it takes to make sure that I'll be okay. She went as far as saying that she'd stall and fend off my father if it came down to it to let me physically leave the house when the time came.

Tonight, she held true to her word in finally standing up for me, or at least getting my father off my back. At dinner he started in on me, calling me names and criticizing my physical appearance and she cut in and abruptly changed the subject so he stopped bullying me.

My new plan now is to lay low and avoid my dad as much as possible, since I'm only in the house for six or so more weeks before Fall semester begins. I will hopefully transfer to the state university. As messed up as it sounds, my dad will pay for the tuition to avoid the embarrassment and damage to his reputation for having a kid drop out of college. I will look for an apartment, which I will need to present to my dad as a school-affiliated deal to let me move. My mom has said that she will help talk to him to convince him of letting me move into an apartment. I will still open up that new bank account and get a PO box, and keep saving up money. I've also notified some close friends as to my situation, whereabouts, and instructions on what to do if something were to go wrong, in case my dad decides to try something sketchy, and I'm keeping my bags packed in case I need to cut and run at moment's notice.

[steve21]

Vince, you consider going to out of state college? or at least... in-state but far enough you'd have to move?

[Vince S.]

Originally Posted by steve21

Vince, you consider going to out of state college? or at least... in-state but far enough you'd have to move?

I do go out-of-state for college, about 2 and a half hours away. I'm just home for the summer, since I lived in the dorms and they close after the semester is over.

[CapnSev]

Give this man the "grapefruits of the year" award! Dude, I have some serious respect for you. If you ever want to bail out to Salt Lake, you're welcome at my campfire anytime.

[D.Don]

Dude,

All respect for you and your strength, ya old man seems like a total pita and you really don't need to take that. Get outa there as soon as the planning allows for it, and make sure you never have to come back there again.

Good luck m8!

D.Don

[cheezewiz]

I'd LOVE to hear your Dad's side of this story.

[heroincredible]

Congrats on getting some stuff worked out. All the best.

[LiquidMidnight]

Originally Posted by cheezewiz

I'd LOVE to hear your Dad's side of this story.

Generally, I believe in the truth laying somewhere in the middle in these types of situations, but if Vince's stories hold true, this isn't a matter of "my parents won't let me stay out past my 2 a.m. curfew." I've seen Vince's father's type before - people with serious inferiority complexes who take it out on those whom they can. C'mon, asking your kid to shape up if he's slacking on his homework is one thing; mentally berating a child because he wants to become a paramedic instead of "bringing honor to his family" by getting an MBA or a law degree is another.

My grandfather mentally berated my father all throughout his childhood and it's something that my dad had trouble dealing with for years. It was a classic case of learned helplessness, and only now is my dad becoming more assertive about things. One doesn't need a Psy.d to see that this type of stuff can have seriously long-lasting effects on a person's mental well-being.

Unless of course you meant "I'd love to hear what your father would say," as in "Your father really needs to explain himself!" In that case, ignore my tangent.