How do I deal with the gossip mill?

[Akito]

Hey folks, there has been something really bothering me recently, and it's been a long time since I had to deal with this sort of thing so I thought I would sound out my TB brothers and sisters for some advice and maybe just to vent or express myself a little.
I was in a long relationship until late last year, and I never cheated or anything like that. I have always had my large group of male friends, but in all normal social occassions I went everywhere with my ex. We never hung out in bars or anything. I wouldplay bars with my band, break down and go home. So it has been years since I have been single and had to deal with the kind of crap that people pull on each other out in the world.
Since feb. I started hanging out at a local bar that my band has played at, and I discovered I liked. They have Karaoke every night during the week on an awesome system, and I've enjoyed singing a large variety of songs and practicing upcoming material vocally. You guys can bash Karaoke all you want btw, I pretty much agree, it is like a guilty pleasure of mine now.
Anyway I used to go in and sit alone, play some pool or darts, and sing. Sometimes a friend or two would come with me and hang out for the night. I was pretty happy with this arrangement, even though I am not anti-social, I am very happy and secure just to chill on my own.
After a few nights people, mostly regulars, started inviting me to their tables and trying to get to know me. I think joining the crowd was my first big mistake. Everyone I met I took at face value and tried to see their good side, just like I would hope people would do with me. It turns out I think I am too trusting.
I discovered something that I never expected, when I sang I ended up getting a lot of female attention. It all seemed harmless at first, but since then I have found out that people at the bar won't stop talking about me behind my back.
If I talk for more than five minutes to a female then suddenly we are an item. If two nights later I talk to another female, then I am a dog who is cheating on the girl I talked to for 5 minutes before. I guess I am really naieve. I am a very honest and upfront person, and I don't get drunk or play games with people. I actually try to show them respect! I know what a novel concept huh?
My motto for many years has been, "no drama - just groove"
but now everytime I come back to that bar I hear about drama that has happened with my name involved, and people saying very bad things about me with no justification, and even lies that put me in a very bad light.
My first inclination is to ignore all of it and just carry on. I have a personal policy of never bad mouthing someone behind their back, even if they have earned it, or if it is to defend myself. I just never want to stopp to that level, and I hope that most people will recognize over time who is showing integrity and who isn't. I've been put in a position at this bar where I would have to call certain people liars just to defend myself. So far when I have been confronted by others or heard the bad things second hand, I have just been letting it slide.
The funniest part is that these same people who badmouth me and spread gossip, want to be my friend when I am around.
Should I just carry on and not get my hands dirty directly?
Should I try to set the record straight? (seems useless to me because there would probably be a whole new set of rumors in a week)
Should I bail on this bar even though I still have some good friends there and still like the place?
Is there ever a chance that I will understand human nature and especially women, or should I just give up on that now?
If you read all of this I am grateful, I didn't mean to ramble so much!

[MakiSupaStar]

Do whatever the hell you want. Hit on whoever the hell you want. It's a bar for pete's sake, not middle school.

[Akito]

Originally Posted by MakiSupaStar

Do whatever the hell you want. Hit on whoever the hell you want. It's a bar for pete's sake, not middle school.

Haha! I think that's the whole problem! Grown people acting like kids with large amounts of alcohol thrown in!
Maybe I am too sensitive, thanks!

[Stumbo]

It seems you are more mature than the people you hang out with. Since hanging in a bar is all about talking, socializing and drinking and you're the new guy getting attention....you're the target for jealousy, envy, bitterness, deceit, anxiety from intoxicated people, many of whom are using alcohol to self-medicate their depression and the realization and confirmation that they don't have the talents you do and aren't getting the attention from the chicks that they think they deserve.

Something to think about is to not react and walk away when anyone brings up this stuff to you. Since people are talking behind your back and you know about it, it's more like their talking in front of your back.

Otherwise it's your call as to whether you stay or go but I don't really think that they are your "friends". They may be friendly but their actions when you're not around speak to a less than friendly intent.

[toytech]

spread rumors that they are pedo's or dog molesters or something outrageous, it wont help, or anything but might be fun. J/K

[MAJOR METAL]

Gossip Mill ? Torch it.

[Lalabadie]

They want to be your friend yet talk behind your back?

This is pure jealousy. Let them some time to accept the way you act. They probably expect you to brag about something or generally do something wrong so they can throw it back at you. It seems like you won't slip into such an act, so in some time you won't be the new guy and everybody's gonna be cool with who you are.

I don't see why you should be ashamed of anything, except of how easily you worry

[Captain Chaos]

Do what a poster above said, burn the whole place down.

[peterbright]

Ignore them

[::::BASSIST::::]

I honestly would consider not going there anymore. Life is too short for such drama. Those people need to be avoided.

As the Buddha said, "It is better to travel alone, than with a fool."

[iamlowsound]

Originally Posted by MakiSupaStar

Do whatever the hell you want. Hit on whoever the hell you want. It's a bar for pete's sake, not middle school.

I agree 100% with maki on this.

lowsound

[lunarpollen]

Hey, it's karaoke, you sing, this means you get control over the mike for a bit, which means you can give a brief lecture after a karaoke performance, basically telling it like it is, but being tactful about it (i.e., no name-calling or escalation of drama, etc.). If you are a good speaker and you make all your points with sharpness and no ambivalence, you can derail all of their drama **** once and for all (and probably win the respect and support of new allies who may be encouraged to derail any gossip drama themselves)...

[peaveyuser]

just be glad your getting girls attention from KARAOKE for gods sake!


seriously who cares what they say. In the end you can just call them all losers for staying at a karaoke bar, while it may be hypocritical it will make them feel bad

[Akito]

LOL! I expected a lot more bashing over the whole karaoke aspect! It's probably what I would do!
I think I am being too sensitive about people who essentially don't factor into my life very much in the long run.
I've never had a problem with people disliking me, that's their choice, it's the two-faced stuff and the outright spreading of lies to anyone who will listen that was bothering me.
I think the whole maturity thing is an excellent point.
I think I will go back to being a happy loner or just hanging with my true friends when they are around if I go back to this place.
I think the peope doing this kind of thing are probably involved in all kinds of negative nonsense and hurt themselves more than any response I could come up with.
We need a pill- Dramamune or something.
Thanks for the responses!

[LiquidMidnight]

Originally Posted by Captain Chaos

Do what a poster above said, burn the whole place down.

When I read this, it reminded me of that episode of the Simpsons where the leprechaun tells Ralph Wiggum to start fires.

I'm going to say something really off the way and tell you to let the drama play itself out. Why? Because you're the "new guy," and are obviously getting attention from the ladies. The more attention you get, the more attention it's going to be amplified by. Any woman who has been around the block a few times knows how this stuff works. Anyone worth their weight in salt is going to know to get to know you on a personal basis and then make a decision.

As others have said, those people aren't your friends, but use the attention they give you to your advantage.

[Yngwie 4String]

Put all these thoughts in a song, and sing the SOB next time you go for karoke (sp?).