How do you deal with a suicide?

kjpollo · #1 12-27-2008, 12:20 PM

The singer in my band called a couple of hours ago.
Our lead guitar player (Paul) killed himself by hanging a few days ago and our singer found out this morning.

Our singer has known the guitar player for a loong time-they played in bands together a few times over the past 20 years or so. The rhythm player and I have only known him since we joined the band back in the spring.
We knew he was having serious financial problems but no one knew he was so bad off as to kill himself.
After our last rehearsal 2 weeks ago, our rhythm guitar player commented that Paul just didnt look good. He was a fairly quiet guy anyway but he was quieter than usual and he just looked sort of disheveled. Not in a living-on-the-streets kind of way but he clearly wasnt himself.

I was really looking forward to tomorrow's rehearsal because I have 2 new basses to run through-and the rhythm guitar player just got a new amp. It was going to be fun but now....I just dont know. I still want to go though-is that wrong??

Linas · #2 12-27-2008, 12:29 PM

Its going to be sad. I have never dealt with a suicide, but i think a better way of dealing with a death is by celebrating the life the person had, not dwelling upon the more negativve aspects of the situation. My condolences.

DaveDeVille · #3 12-27-2008, 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Linas

... i think a better way of dealing with a death
is by celebrating the life the person had, not dwelling upon the more negative
aspects of the situation.
My condolences.

agreed , and sorry for your loss...

HollowBassman · #4 12-27-2008, 12:38 PM

Back in highschool I had a friend kill himself. He was a smaller guy and got picked on a lot but he was pretty funny if you would talk to him. It never crossed my mind that he would do something like that. Although I didn't really fit into the "freak" category, I would occasionally where something from Hot Topic and it just so happened that the day I found out he killed himself(the day after) I was wearing a coroner shirt. Made me feel like an ass. As for dealing with it, I trashed the shirt and tried to block the whole thing from my memory; but I imagine that would be much harder to do with a bandmate.

cdef · #5 12-27-2008, 12:50 PM

I've had to deal with this, too, at very close range. There may be no best way of tackling it. I made some mistakes by getting too involved, which changed my own life for the worse in the end. It may have changed some other peoples' lives for the better, but that I can't be sure of.

Suicide is a moral problem. Some can respect such a decision, some can't. But economic pressures can make people quietly desperate, and it's a damn shame that there should be no resort to resolving (ultimately trivial) problems like these in a capitalist society. I'm sorry for your loss. Remember the person by the good times you shared, and by the musician he was.

RWP · #6 12-27-2008, 01:55 PM

Sorry to hear about your friend. You have to know there was nothing you could have done for him.

Holy War · #7 12-27-2008, 02:35 PM

really sad man, Im sorry for yor loss. As far as continuing as a band, well thats up to you and your mates. It could really make you all bond or conversly, grow distant from one another. AC/DC and Metallica have continued, Led Zeppelin did not. All in all I hope all works out for the best and I will keep you and your mates in my thoughts

kjpollo · #8 12-27-2008, 03:53 PM

I appreciate the condolences guys.

I'll tell you this much, it makes my own problems seem a whole lot smaller by comparison. A week ago today we were in the middle of a serious flood in my house and we literally had no idea what was going on. Now, a week later, we've got the basement cleaned up, all the clothes that got soaked have been washed (in some cases more than once) and we carted out well over 40 bags of trash. No one got hurt, our house is still liveable and we got a decent check from our homeowners insurance. We just have to watch a some hardwood flooring to make sure it doesnt go completely to hell.

I know there was nothing I could've done-we didnt talk very much outside of the band setting. But its still upsetting just the same.

I hope the band keeps going. We just got a new drummer but I know it'll be tough for the singer to replace a long standing friend. Paul wrote the music for a couple of our songs and was the best trained musician in the group. On the plus side, the band wasnt playing out yet but we were hoping to get into the studio in the next month or 2 and record 2 or 3 tracks.

The one thing I'm thankful for is that he didnt leave a family behind. His parents both passed away several years ago and AFAIK he left behind a brother. He wasnt married and he didnt have any children that I knew of either. Its just a damn shame though-only 38 years old and now he's gone.

kjpollo · #9 12-27-2008, 04:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cdef

I've had to deal with this, too, at very close range. There may be no best way of tackling it. I made some mistakes by getting too involved, which changed my own life for the worse in the end. It may have changed some other peoples' lives for the better, but that I can't be sure of.

Suicide is a moral problem. Some can respect such a decision, some can't. But economic pressures can make people quietly desperate, and it's a damn shame that there should be no resort to resolving (ultimately trivial) problems like these in a capitalist society. I'm sorry for your loss. Remember the person by the good times you shared, and by the musician he was.

From a moral standpoint, I cant judge. I wasnt in his shoes and I dont really know the full extent of how bad things were for him. I'm very sad that he felt it was his best choice though.
"Quietly desperate"- now there's a terrific description of the situation.
Thanks again for the condolences.

WickedPissah · #10 12-27-2008, 04:44 PM

I've never dealt with a suicide, but I imagine how it must feel. Good luck, I hope you make it through with minimal trouble.

**john turner** · #11 12-27-2008, 04:57 PM

wow, i'm really sorry to hear that.

you and your band mates have my condolences. a lot of folks will approach the topic of a suicide with anger toward the person in question, but all that does is serve to further hurt those who are left behind.

don't be afraid to talk to someone (professional) about this.

kjpollo · #12 12-27-2008, 06:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by john turner

wow, i'm really sorry to hear that.

you and your band mates have my condolences. a lot of folks will approach the topic of a suicide with anger toward the person in question, but all that does is serve to further hurt those who are left behind.

don't be afraid to talk to someone (professional) about this.

John, thanks for the kind words, this is the second time in a few days that you've "been there" in spirit for me and I appreciate it. First the house flood and now this.

I'm not angry with his actions, like I said, I'm really sad that he felt this was his best option.
I just hung up from talking with our rhythm guitar player and he said he's going to write some music and see if the singer wants to put some words to it.
I'm actually heading out with our singer to see another friend's band play tonight and we're still having our usual Sunday afternoon rehearsal, though it might not last as long as usual, depending on how we all feel.

Thanks again for the kinds words. Believe me it helps.

::::BASSIST:::: · #13 12-27-2008, 06:11 PM

I lost a very close relative to suicide in 93. The only thing that helps heal is time.

iamlowsound · #14 12-27-2008, 06:34 PM

I lost a really good friend in 2005 to suicide. It is a tough thing to deal with, much tougher than dealing with any other type of death. Time does heal, but you also can't let the healing turn into forgetfulness. I also know 4 other people that have committed suicide since then, I just didn't know them that well.

lowsound

JQ1986 · #15 12-27-2008, 07:00 PM

I had an old friend from middle school commit suicide my senior year. We were really close in middle school, then his brother was killed in a car accident and he became more distant. Then a couple years after that his mom was killed in a car accident. After that was when he started getting more into drugs, moved to a different school and we just grew apart. I remember getting the call from my g/f at the time and just being shocked because I had just seen him driving around town the day before while I was at work. Apparently he was at a party that night and someone said something about his mom and that's what triggered it. It was a tough pill to swallow because he was such a nice, funny and very smart guy, but on the other hand I couldn't blame him for it either. I don't know what I would've done if I was in his shoes. The things that helped me get through his death was just remembering all the fun times we had and knowing that he wasn't suffering with what had happened in this life.

MJ5150 · #16 12-27-2008, 07:42 PM

I get real quiet and internalize my feelings when someone I know dies. I know someone who committed suicide about 15 years ago, and I still cry when I think about him.

-Mike

jady · #17 12-28-2008, 09:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by john turner

.........don't be afraid to talk to someone (professional) about this.

+1

I spent years trying to figure out why some people I knew killed themselves and I still don't get it. You can't understand unless you are in that spot I guess. I was angry for a long time too, that doesn't help anyone either.

This is a hard nut to crack for the ones left behind, you and your bandmates have my sincere condolances and prayers in dealing with this.

**john turner** · #18 12-28-2008, 10:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kjpollo

John, thanks for the kind words, this is the second time in a few days that you've "been there" in spirit for me and I appreciate it. First the house flood and now this.

I'm not angry with his actions, like I said, I'm really sad that he felt this was his best option.
I just hung up from talking with our rhythm guitar player and he said he's going to write some music and see if the singer wants to put some words to it.
I'm actually heading out with our singer to see another friend's band play tonight and we're still having our usual Sunday afternoon rehearsal, though it might not last as long as usual, depending on how we all feel.

Thanks again for the kinds words. Believe me it helps.

it's certainly been a tough holiday season for you and yours this year, huh? well, here's hoping the new year looks up for you

.

i think it's really good that your band is going to try and continue despite this.

kesslari · #19 12-28-2008, 10:45 AM

I am sorry for your loss, and for your bandmate and his family.
Be prepared for a lot of different emotions - they're all part of the grieving process, and they can get amplified by the combination of shock and responsibility shared by those left behind by a suicide.
As JT said, don't be afraid to get help - professional, clergy, or otherwise - to help you deal with this.

thumpbass1 · #20 12-28-2008, 10:46 AM

I send my heartfelt condolences. I've lost a good friend to suicide long ago, and sadly I've attended the funeral of a friend's son who took this tragic way out. I can only tell you that the pain and the questions and grief are real and there are no easy answers.
I can only suggest that you pull close to the people close to you and who are also grieving with you. You will need to be support each other through this tragic time. I'll keep you and the friends and family of the victim in my prayers.