How to handle this?

[Thunderscreech]

Relationship/personal issues/stream-of-consciousness thread warning.


So, lets talk hypothetically here. Say, hypothetically, that you had been dating a girl for 3 years. of these three years, she has been a full-time student, worked 3 jobs to pay for college, and done lots of hard classes involving pre-veterinary study (just for consideration: people who flunk out of Vet school find regular medical school easy).

Now, let's say this girl's boyfriend is lazy, hasn't done half of that, has wasted three years and several thousand dollars worth of classes goofing off and not taking things seriously (and gone to three different schools...). Now, lets also say that this girl expects the guy to get a degree if he wants to have a future with her. And lets say that the guy really doesn't know what he wants to do, and has been having some issues, which he wont go into detail with, but will say are behavioral in nature and need time and patience to be worked out. Something that this guy doesn't really have (the patience thing, anyway...)

How would you handle this? Say "I don't give a **** when it comes your requirements for this relationship, so **** you and your little dog too." or would you try to get a degree in something you don't want to get a degree in just to get her off your back? Or would you tell her you need time to figure yourself out, and if she can't deal with that then whatever, she deal with it, and so can you.

I really don't know, and I know this is TalkBASS not TalkFEELINGS and Relationship issues, but I don't really know who else to talk to. I know 90% of the problem is my viewpoint on the situation, but old habits die hard, as I am finding out, and some things just can't keep going the way they are going. Commuting 50 miles/1 hour to class, one way, spending most of the day at a campus for 2 classes, and then going home is taking it's toll on me. All my money goes to my gas tank, so no food, and I have to leave the house early if I want to get to class, so if I get up at 8:30, I really don't have time to make lunch, get in the car, and drive to class, to get there at 10, which is when the class starts.

Like I said, I really do not know what to do, and I'm sick of beating myself up over the fact that I don't know what to do, but I can't help it, because I feel like I have to do something...

see how confusing this is?

Also, I know the general opinion of my person is someone who crawled out from some *chan board board somewhere, but I'm really not that bad of a guy. I can be serious when I have to, so serious post is serious, as it were.

[Ziltoid]

Hypothetically, I'd become a dirty train hobo.
Theoretically: I'd find a revolutionary idea and make millions.
Practically I'd get a degree that opens many doors and has employment in way different workplaces style (ie: informatics, management or w.e.).

[MJ5150]

Let the girl go before she lets you go. At this point in your life, you don't appear ready to commit like she is.

Trying to shoehorn yourself into what she wants will make you miserable right now.

-Mike

[A-Step-Towards]

Honestly just pick major and work towards it , hey you may not ever use that degree but its way better to pick one , work towards it and get it then just take random classes and blow money on nothing.

I choose to do that , took criminal justice as my major and have ended up enjoying it , and it was kinda a random 15 second thinking that made me choose it.

Better then wasting your time, my suggestion.

[bwv1013]

Originally Posted by MJ5150

Let the girl go before she lets you go. At this point in your life, you don't appear ready to commit like she is.

Trying to shoehorn yourself into what she wants will make you miserable right now.

-Mike

+1. you're no good to anybody (most importantly yourself) if you're miserable. taking some time now to square yourself away will pay huge dividends later.

[Indiana Mike]

I would say he should worry about himself and sort his issues out now before they become a way of life for what is the rest of it.

Life does not get any easier ... it's either work or school...

What tops his priorities in life ...

Himself?

or

Relationships?

If he is not happy and solvent no one him with will be either.

He has to make himself... others cannot do this for him.

BTW ...it only took a friend of mine about 40 years to figure that out.

[elgecko]

Maybe this is the kick in the butt that the lazy bum needs to get his stuff together. On the other hand, the lazy bum might end up resenting over-achiever girl for pushing him into something he doesn't want to do or is unready for. Or, maybe over-achiever girl just wants lazy bum to get off his ass and something with a more secure future than playing bass.

[nutdog]

Is she hot? Cuz, you know, hypothetically, it could make a difference.

[iamlowsound]

I say man up and get a degree. A man should be able to follow through with what he starts. I am up everyday at 6:30, in class by 8, out of class maybe by three, 6 on a few days. Plus I do homework and find time to talk to my girlfriend every night. Getting up at 8:30 to be in class for 10 would be a dream come true.

lowsound

EDIT: I should also add, that there are plenty of things in a relationship that you HAVE to do, but don't want to do. If you aren't ready to do things that you don't want to do for the sake of the relationship, then you aren't ready to be in a relationship. That goes for both parties.

[Simo98]

I have a similar problem at the moment. Without the (possibly) hot chick though. If I actually want to do something, I can do a damn good job at it. Unfortunately if I don't want to do something, then I tend to simply put it off forever.

Realistically i'd say talk it over with her. I don't know about you, but getting a degree for the sake of having a degree just doesn't work for me. I am a goal orientated person so unless I can get up each morning and think "at then end of the day I will have X", it just doesn't work for me. Simply being one day closer to having a degree which may or may-not be useful doesn't work. Its a personality flaw that I have tried to work around however as yet have not managed to. I just run out of steam.

If you think you can persue with it and get your degree, do it, maybe staying with your girl would be incentive enough. However I know that I would have (and am having) trouble with a pretty similar situation at the moment.

And for the record, my uni is even easier. Apart from weekly online tests and it being an hour away, its a cakewalk. I don't have to get there till after lunch most days

Personally my solution is try and make it through this semester (two weeks to go), and then go get a real job. Give it a year and then make a decision that either "Hey, the real world isn't so bad", or "Get me out of here" where I go back to uni and get a cushy engineering job.

[KeithBMI]

I would send naked pictures of this girl to Mark Wilson and also to myself, KeithBMI.

[NateS]

Originally Posted by KeithBMI

I would send naked pictures of this girl to Mark Wilson and also to myself, bassk81976.

+1

or you could get a job and make noise your full time love.

but i'm as little biased.

[totallyfrozen]

Hypothetically, of course, she's out of your his league. Sounds like she has her act together and is going places. The last thing she needs is an adult child with "behavioral issues". You He should let her go for her own benefit...hypothetically, of course.

[Deluge Of Sound]

In times of distress, turn to the Camberwell Carrot.

[disenchant]

Okay, so no girl (or guy) wants to be with someone who is lazy and is content to coast along in life with someone else supporting them. That's called "living in your parents' basement forever" and "mooch" and "in need of sugar daddy (or momma)" and in many cases "gold digger."

That being said, there's nothing wrong with not being sure what you want to do for a living. Heck, I'm sure 90% of the population isn't really sure and often changes jobs or careers many times in order to find out.

The difference is, are you trying to find out? (And I'm going to say "you" here because we all know who we are talking about, Hypothetical-Man.) Are you trying different things and just haven't found "it" yet, or are you just not confronting the fact that it's time pick a direction, even if you change it later on?

Sounds like your girl is driven. As a high school/college romance it's all good but once college days are over you need to look at life on your own. Sounds like she is. And it sounds like she's trying to get you to confront your future, at least. So she cares about you.

No, you don't need to decide your forever career NOW. But are you at least LOOKING? Because it sounds like if you were at least LOOKING she'd be supportive.

I would say she needs to let up and let you be you, and you need to confront some kind of career choice. If you both do these things and it's still not working, then it's not meant to be.

[thumpbass1]

Most women have a tendency to eventually dump boyfriends, and even husbands if they got married hastily in the heat of young romance, that show the repeated pattern and trajectory of going nowhere in life. A man should at least have steady employment in something that pays, or be working towards a job that pays a somewhat decent living wage if they don't want to go the college route. The greater majority of women don't stick with directionless or just plain lazy guys when it comes to making long term commitments. However a young man can sometimes save a threatened relationship by manning up and doing what they need to do show that that they can take on adult responsibility, and care about the relationship.

[Jim Nazium]

You'll have PLENTY of time to roll your DOOBIES when you're living in a VAN down by the RIVER!

OK, seriously, if she's giving you an ultimatum - "get a degree or I'm leaving" - that is not a good sign. It's also not a good reason to get a degree, IMHO. You have to do it when you want to do it, otherwise you'll be doing it half-heartedly, which is a waste of time and money.

I went straight to college after high school because that's what you're "supposed" to do, and I wasn't ready. I got through, but I didn't learn half of what I should have, and then I wasn't ready for the job market. I say take all the time you need to figure out what you want to do. Don't waste a bunch of time and money getting a degree that you don't really care about. If that means she doesn't want to be with you, that's a bummer, but it's not the end of the world.

[Yerf Dog]

Your motivation to pursue and finish a degree should not come from someone else.

Sounds like she's trying to control you or find a way out of the relationship.

In the end the important thing is whether or not she's hot.

[Pilgrim]

Here's the blunt truth: I see absolutely no future for this couple - they are motivated differently and have different approaches to life. I can't see a long-term relationship working.

The guy needs to pick a degree and finish it, then get on with life. Many people don't work in the discipline in which they earned their degree. Just get it done and move on.

[EricF]

Originally Posted by Yerf Dog

Your motivation to pursue and finish a degree should not come from someone else.

Sounds like she's trying to control you or find a way out of the relationship.

This ^

Originally Posted by Pilgrim

Here's the blunt truth: I see absolutely no future for this couple - they are motivated differently and have different approaches to life. I can't see a long-term relationship working.

The guy needs to pick a degree and finish it, then get on with life. Many people don't work in the discipline in which they earned their degree. Just get it done and move on.

And that ^