How many times do you give someone the benefit of the doubt before ending it?

[cassanova]

The woman I've been involved with has been sending up some red flags as of late. For about a week now, she's been somewhat non existent in my life. We hardly talk or see each other and she's cancelled plans quite a few times.

Last night is yet another example. I try calling her, and around 10 pm, got a text from her, telling me she ate late because her dad came over late, and was now putting the kids to bed. This is believable, so I respond by saying, "ok, I'll call you in an hour or so." I tried calling her again around midnight, but she still didn't answer. In fact, I still have yet to hear from her at all.

Now, I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt, as I know that somethings crap happens. She also told me a night or 2 ago, via an email, that I'm being paranoid. I don't know anymore. Like I said, I know crap happens, but at this type of frequency? It's just not adding up. I'd really like to give her the benefit of the doubt once again, but damn if it's not difficult now. As I said, this has set off a string of red flags, because I've seen this type of behavior from other women in the past and it didn't work out.

I don't plan on making any type of contact with her until/unless she contacts me. Even then, I'm seriously thinking of just ignoring whatever she says, as it's unlikely I'll believe her excuse(s) anymore. Maybe, I'm paranoid, maybe I'm not, but haven't I already given enough benefit of the doubt to her?

Thanks for letting me vent.

[i_got_a_mohawk]

#1 Talk to her? Arrange a time where you can get together and talk about it with her. See what happens from there.

I don't plan on making any type of contact with her until/unless she contacts me. Even then, I'm seriously thinking of just ignoring whatever she says,

#2 - Dude, you're in your 40's, why even consider playing silly games like that?


If it isn't working out, it isn't working out. Speak to her (in person) about this and see what happens.

[MonetBass]

Life is too short to get caught up in drama. She knew you were going to call but didn't answer? There you go. Cut her loose and move on.

[runmikeyrun]

If you really value the relationship try talking to her. Once. Ask direct questions, like "are you cheating on me?" Her reaction will say more than what she actually says. Red flags and "that feeling something's wrong" are usually pretty right though... if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck,...

[hrodbert696]

I don't know anything about the details of this relationship, so I'll just go on what I can see in your post.

1) you are not married to this woman nor do you live with her.

2) she has kids

3) You haven't had much contact with her for about a week.

4) You called her when she was out having dinner. She texted you at 10 at night to explain that's where she was. You texted back that you would call in an hour. I do not see that she said she would be up to answer the phone an hour later. She didn't pick up when you did call.

5) You say this kind of thing happens with frequency, but the post doesn't say if it's anything more dramatic than 4) or how frequent.

OK, adding all this up, here's what I see: You are being paranoid and controlling. A single mom has a whole hell of a lot to deal with. I assume she has to work a job too. If I were her, and only getting my kids to bed at 10 pm after a long day at work and a late dinner with my dad, I would be in bed right behind the kids and sure as hell not answering the phone at 11 pm. Once a week is probably as much time as she can spare for a boyfriend, and now you're riding her that it's not enough, which is not exactly going to make her look forward to seeing more of you. She's probably posting to some forum about "red flags" and "benefit of the doubt" for whether she should stay in a relationship with a boyfriend who's paranoid and demanding that she be on the phone with him when she really really really needs a good night's sleep. Let her know you're there for her, but give her some space.

[cassanova]

Originally Posted by i_got_a_mohawk

#1 Talk to her? Arrange a time where you can get together and talk about it with her. See what happens from there.

That's what last night was supposed to be all about.

#2 - Dude, you're in your 40's, why even consider playing silly games like that?

Though, I'm considering it, I highly doubt I'd do that, because it seems immature to me and I do believe communication is key.

[agent77]

Originally Posted by cassanova

I don't plan on making any type of contact with her until/unless she contacts me.

+1 to this. She knows your intrested. If she wants a relationship, she'll call you. If you keep calling/texting then you'll look clingy and desperate, and that's a turn-off for women.

[i_got_a_mohawk]

Going by what you said, last night was going to be a phone call.

You need to talk to her in person, IMO.

[EricF]

Originally Posted by hrodbert696

I don't know anything about the details of this relationship, so I'll just go on what I can see in your post.

1) you are not married to this woman nor do you live with her.

2) she has kids

3) You haven't had much contact with her for about a week.

4) You called her when she was out having dinner. She texted you at 10 at night to explain that's where she was. You texted back that you would call in an hour. I do not see that she said she would be up to answer the phone an hour later. She didn't pick up when you did call.

5) You say this kind of thing happens with frequency, but the post doesn't say if it's anything more dramatic than 4) or how frequent.

OK, adding all this up, here's what I see: You are being paranoid and controlling. A single mom has a whole hell of a lot to deal with. I assume she has to work a job too. If I were her, and only getting my kids to bed at 10 pm after a long day at work and a late dinner with my dad, I would be in bed right behind the kids and sure as hell not answering the phone at 11 pm. Once a week is probably as much time as she can spare for a boyfriend, and now you're riding her that it's not enough, which is not exactly going to make her look forward to seeing more of you. She's probably posting to some forum about "red flags" and "benefit of the doubt" for whether she should stay in a relationship with a boyfriend who's paranoid and demanding that she be on the phone with him when she really really really needs a good night's sleep. Let her know you're there for her, but give her some space.

Sounds about right.

[gttim]

Quit calling her! Quit texting her. Let her call you! Do not call her. Do not chase her. If she is interested in things going on, she will make contact. Until them proceed with your life. The more you chase her, the more she will run away from you.

Women are like cats. If you chase them, they want nothing to do with you. If you ignore them, they will wonder why and start following you.

Do you know who controls a relationship? The one who cares the least. She is controlling the relationship between you two right now. Stay in control.

Again, do not chase her. Move on with your life. If she wants to chase you, fine. If not, there are so many other women out there.

Do. Not. Call. Her.

[Strat-Mangler]

She's playing mindgames and/or taking you for granted.

Either way, somebody like that doesn't deserve you.

Don't contact her again and date more considerate women.

You'll wonder why you ever let her suck you in and why you ever were interested in somebody like that.

[Selta]

Originally Posted by hrodbert696

I don't know anything about the details of this relationship, so I'll just go on what I can see in your post.

1) you are not married to this woman nor do you live with her.

2) she has kids

3) You haven't had much contact with her for about a week.

4) You called her when she was out having dinner. She texted you at 10 at night to explain that's where she was. You texted back that you would call in an hour. I do not see that she said she would be up to answer the phone an hour later. She didn't pick up when you did call.

5) You say this kind of thing happens with frequency, but the post doesn't say if it's anything more dramatic than 4) or how frequent.

OK, adding all this up, here's what I see: You are being paranoid and controlling. A single mom has a whole hell of a lot to deal with. I assume she has to work a job too. If I were her, and only getting my kids to bed at 10 pm after a long day at work and a late dinner with my dad, I would be in bed right behind the kids and sure as hell not answering the phone at 11 pm. Once a week is probably as much time as she can spare for a boyfriend, and now you're riding her that it's not enough, which is not exactly going to make her look forward to seeing more of you. She's probably posting to some forum about "red flags" and "benefit of the doubt" for whether she should stay in a relationship with a boyfriend who's paranoid and demanding that she be on the phone with him when she really really really needs a good night's sleep. Let her know you're there for her, but give her some space.

This is what I'm thinking too.

[cassanova]

Originally Posted by hrodbert696

I don't know anything about the details of this relationship, so I'll just go on what I can see in your post.

1) you are not married to this woman nor do you live with her.

2) she has kids

3) You haven't had much contact with her for about a week.

4) You called her when she was out having dinner. She texted you at 10 at night to explain that's where she was. You texted back that you would call in an hour. I do not see that she said she would be up to answer the phone an hour later. She didn't pick up when you did call.

5) You say this kind of thing happens with frequency, but the post doesn't say if it's anything more dramatic than 4) or how frequent.

OK, adding all this up, here's what I see: You are being paranoid and controlling. A single mom has a whole hell of a lot to deal with. I assume she has to work a job too. If I were her, and only getting my kids to bed at 10 pm after a long day at work and a late dinner with my dad, I would be in bed right behind the kids and sure as hell not answering the phone at 11 pm. Once a week is probably as much time as she can spare for a boyfriend, and now you're riding her that it's not enough, which is not exactly going to make her look forward to seeing more of you. She's probably posting to some forum about "red flags" and "benefit of the doubt" for whether she should stay in a relationship with a boyfriend who's paranoid and demanding that she be on the phone with him when she really really really needs a good night's sleep. Let her know you're there for her, but give her some space.

Maybe you're right, perhaps I am being paranoid. But a lot of what she's doing has drudged up bad memories from the past, from relationships where I was being played. So yes, I am a bit skeptical. What I am not though is controlling. I've never told her that she has to talk to me, when she has to talk to me and am actually a fairly understanding guy. I've dated women with kids before, some have had more kids than she does, they've all had jobs too, and they still found a way to spend more than one day a week with me, and have actually talked with me a lot more than that. I'm not really being controlling either, I'm not telling her she has to talk to me, or when she has too. All I did was essentially tell her, that she's sending up red flags, because what shes doing is all indicative of things I've seen in the past where I've been played.

[6jase5]

In the right relationship you don't have to ask yourself these questions. Together with my wife 5 or 6 years I would guess now (neither of us ever remember), never fought, never questioned anything. it just works as all of my friends in working relationships can attest. We sort of pushed out the drama kings from our circle as they'll be divorced or broken up soon, they just don't know it.

I don't understand why anyone would stay in a relationship with drama, games or fighting. Life is too short.

[Chebass88]

She is an individual, and her own person. She is not "yours". She has other things come up in her life, and she prioritizes them as such.

Calling at midnight? What time do you / she have to go to work in the morning? Assuming she is a decent mother, she has to get her kids to school, so probably up at 7AM. So now she has to get by on less than 7 hours of sleep, just to have a chit-chat? Unless your mom just died, or some other immediate thing requiring high level attention - let it go. Have a chit-chat the next day. And then you top it off by asking her excuse? Perhaps she values a solid night's sleep more than a little chit-chat about your day's activities.

Spending time with a parent can be more important than with a boyfriend. Is she supposed to give all of that up for you?

Have some confidence in yourself. Think things through carefully and rationally. If you have a decent relationship, you will get a call back. Know that when you get a call back, her attention will be devoted to you, and IMO, devoted time is much better than a bunch of quick conversations in between other daily duties.

I travel a lot for work. We don't always get to chat every day. Either due to time zone differences, or work requirements, or whatever. If it is 7PM in LA, that means it is 10PM in NJ, and most likely she has gone to sleep. Oh well - we'll talk the next day.

[rr5025]

You just failed. Never make ultimatums they never go well. The only thing they accomplish is alienating people. That being said focus on you, focus on your work and fill your free time with hobbies then you won't have free time to obsess over crap.

For example I used to act similarly because I had a ton of free time to obsess about stuff. Once I started grad school my free time plummeted exponentially and my umm 'interactions' with women skyrocketed. Why? Because I wasn't wasting time obsessing over junk!

As has been said she probably has a pretty full plate with the whole offspring thing. Give her space, fill up your free time with you activities and if she wants to see you she'll let you know. If not you can move on and find someone who wants to spend time with you.

[EricF]

Originally Posted by cassanova

Maybe you're right, perhaps I am being paranoid. But a lot of what she's doing has drudged up bad memories from the past, from relationships where I was being played. So yes, I am a bit skeptical. What I am not though is controlling. I've never told her that she has to talk to me, when she has to talk to me and am actually a fairly understanding guy. I've dated women with kids before, some have had more kids than she does, they've all had jobs too, and they still found a way to spend more than one day a week with me, and have actually talked with me a lot more than that. I'm not really being controlling either, I'm not telling her she has to talk to me, or when she has too. All I did was essentially tell her, that she's sending up red flags, because what shes doing is all indicative of things I've seen in the past where I've been played.

A relationship has to work for both people. If it's not working for you, then maybe it's best to move on and find something that fits your needs better. Trying to force something that's a struggle for either one of you isn't generally a good foundation. Stop assuming and jumping to conclusions based on your past experiences. Go talk to the woman.

[MJ5150]

This thread is funny, but I'm sort of embarassed to be laughing on account of someone elses unfortunate experience.

-Mike

[MatticusMania]

Originally Posted by cassanova

This will also be the last contact I make with her...

You got that right.

[jmattbassplaya]

Originally Posted by MatticusMania

You got that right.

LOL!

Whatever happened to guys being BDP's? All I see these days is a bunch of punk *** *******.