I could Use Some Humor.

[Deluge Of Sound]

So, in what is slowly becoming a yearly tradition, I was just on the receiving end of the "Its not you, its me" bit. Straight out of the blue, I thought things were going well... Smart money says there's someone else, but whatever, these things happen. They suck, but they happen.

And that's where you guys come in:

Even with the ever faithful Ween album 12 Country Greats, lots of delicious ways to inebriate myself, and other ways to distract myself, I still feel like crap.

Anyone want to help a brother out?

[NJL]

Keep your head up so you can see all the beautiful things around you.

[Jimmy Bones]

Take joy in the little things in life.

[pacojas]

strip clubs,... trust me!

[kesslari]

An old married couple is sitting on their front porch, rocking in their
rocking chairs. There is a comfortable silence as they slowly rock, sharing the evening and each other's company.
Suddenly and for no apparent reason, the old woman picks up her cane and whacks the old man on the shins.
"Ouch! What'd you do that for?!" he exclaims.
"That" she says slowly, "is fer having been a terrible lover all these years".
He says nothing, and the two of them continue rocking on the porch.
Suddenly the old man picks up his cane and whacks the old woman on the shins.
"Ouch! What'd you do that for?!"
"That", he says, "if fer knowing the difference".

[bongomania]

Since they hire girls with big bosoms at Hooters, where do they hire the girls that have only one leg?














IHOP.

[Blind Rat]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's dick hanging out of his fly for all the world to see..

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without

Missing a beat, blurts out...

"Holy ****! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

[Toasted]

Come drinking with me tomorrow night. They call me The Carpet Inspector.

[Scarlet Fire]

http://www.britanick.com/

[warwick.hoy]

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup at his doctor’s office. He says to the doctor, “I’ve never felt better in my whole life. In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child. What do you think of that !!!”

The doctor thinks for a second and then says, “Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. But one day he’s in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle.

So he’s in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What do you think of that?”

The old man says, “That’s impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!”.
“EXACTLY” says the doctor.

[bmc]

Two prostitutes are talking late one night.

One said, "This evening made $500! I feel like a bottle of champagne."

The other said, "This evening I made $5,000. I feel like a pail of glue."

[warwick.hoy]

Originally Posted by bmc

Two prostitutes are talking late one night.

One said, "This evening made $500! I feel like a bottle of champagne."

The other said, "This evening I made $5,000. I feel like a pail of glue."

EWWWWWW!!!!!!!

[bassteban]

A mother mouse is walking in the country w/her little ones when she hears an approaching cat. She darts into the tall grass & as the cat gets closer, mimics a cat's voice: 'meow, meow!'
The cat passes by & the mother mouse says to the mouselings, 'See? I told you it's good to know a second language!'

Much funnier when told by my Chinese-born friend, whose English is not even as good as mine.

[darkfinger]

Two peanuts are walking down the street,
One was Assaulted.....

Haha, sorry that was the best joke I know. Pathetic.

I can however recommend another Ween album that will help raise your spirits:

The Mollusk.

Pop this bad boy in your cd player (mp3 player, whatever) pour yourself a mug full of whisky and let the awesomeness that is the mollusk wash over you. repeat as necessary.

[cassanova]

Originally Posted by NJL

Keep your head up so you can see all the beautiful things around you.

+1

[L-A]

Originally Posted by NJL

Keep your head up so you can see all the beautiful things around you.

This. Follow ImprovEverywhere's advice.

http://improveverywhere.com/2005/03/19/look-up-more/

[Demon_Hunter]

You need a heaping pile of some Butt Steak
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFhpKlvQ_5w

[warwick.hoy]

Originally Posted by L-A

This. Follow ImprovEverywhere's advice.

http://improveverywhere.com/2005/03/19/look-up-more/

#51's Dance Solo was priceless.

[Mike N]

A Doctor is going to write out a prescription. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a thermometer. "Dammit" he says, "some @$$hole must have my pen."

[standupright]