I think I'm being to passive (Not pickup related)

[AlphaMale]

Please help me, I need advice:


Basically, I avoid arguments because I'd rather not have them but Since I agree and comply two of my teachers have been pretty much treating me like **** so they can feel better about themselves and feel like they have control of the classroom. I also noticed people are losing their respect for me. I do not have the best behavior in the class, but I haven't done anything no one else has. In one of the classes, I've definitely done a lot less than everyone else. One of the teachers confiscates my items only and no one else's. He's tried to take someone else's phone but they just refused and he let it go. I also get kind of bullied in class and the teacher doesn't say anything. But I have a Saturday School for saying a joke to the teacher, telling him to hold on. Other students make fun of his haircut. My other teacher always makes a big deal about me playing my bass during the band rehearsals. The thing is, I only play it when other people are playing, and when I'm playing 80% of the time I'm practicing the material, but me and this other student are the only ones who will comply. Many other students say rude things to him, directly and argue with him for long periods in time during class. I kind of just tell myself to ignore it all because I only have a few days before I graduate. And finally, in my rock band, I've been avoiding arguments by just saying to myself"whatever, I'll just not make a big deal and move on" but things started getting worse. I was watching the guitarist play the wrong notes and he was saying it was me. There is a short rest in a song and on the album version theres enough time for me to throw in a little lick before we start playing again, but they speed up the rest and they say I have it wrong. So I say okay, but "I just want you guys to know that, thats not how it is on the album". They pretty much say no that I'm wrong without even trying to look into it. And finally finally, (haha) the drummer has been complaining that I say things that are rude to him, and that I play around with him in ways that he doesn't like. But the thing is I'm only doing what he has done to me. So basically I'm being told by everyone I/they/we can do whatever we want but that doesn't give you any right to do it, I/we/they are always right, and if something is wrong its your fault. Please spare me the Alphamale jokes because I'm being very serious in this thread and saying a lot of things I'd rather keep private, but I really do need the help.
How can I stop being passive without being a jerk?
Or maybe I need to be a jerk?
How can I get people to stop abusing my politeness so much?

[tplyons]

It seems you're too nice, you let people walk on you. Talk to the teachers, in private. It's their jobs to ensure that you have a positive learning environment. Talk to your bandmates one at a time. Being passive is usually a pretty bad idea. Being selectively passive works much better. Pick your battles, the one that don't matter, shrug off. The ones that do matter, stick up for your side.

Don't be a jerk. Nobody likes a jerk. Just remember to look out for numero uno first of all. Don't be afraid to say no. If anyone questions your sudden use of the word no, tell them that's your answer and to stop trying to change your mind.

[Rudyboy98]

Stand up for yourself, bro!

No one will respect you, if you don't respect yourself first.

Best advice:

Be straightforward with your peers, and expect to be challenged. I used to be bullied in school, because I was a little guy. (Too many fights ensued thereafter...not good for my life expectancy...) LOL!

But, I started taking charge and decided to be firm, yet polite. I don't swear at all either, and avoid what arguments I can though.

At my age, I don't have the time to fight with any one over anything. I have bigger responsibilities now.

Another suggestion would be to find other friends that share the same values you do. I stayed out of trouble with others by surrounding myself with better friends. That includes band mates. I have difficulties with a few people here and there, but I do speak my mind. I express how I feel and I don't demand others feel the same.

However, I am willing to hear what others will say as long as it's constructive criticism. If it will put me at odds or I will feel upset about it, I will point out that I have rights to my opinion as well. End of story.

[AlphaMale]

Thanks you guys, I'm going to take all this into account and try to stop being such a push over.

[Pacman]

In addition to these other posts I offer this: Make sure your behavior is above reproach. Don't compare yourself to others in the class, compare yourself to the class rules. Don't bring things into class that don't belong there. Don't make fun of his haircut. Don't play when you're not supposed to play. Saying "well they're getting away with it, so I should to" is a childish argument at best.

Good luck.

[cheesemonkey]

Just try your best to tell your teachers (not in a polite talk to them after class way.) that your not going to take the bull there giving you. Unfourtunatley if you let yourself look like a pushover and don't do anything about it it will stick with you. Thats what happened to me and it didn't stop till i punch one kid right in the face (not proud of this at all but was needed to be done). Just let everyone know you're not gonna take any more bull from them.

[Higgie]

Sometimes there's only one thing for it.

[casualmadness]

Let's see, first of all; you're a kid. It's ok to be a kid. We all were at some point. So I'm wondering if your teachers pushing you around is in your own mind. I remember as a kid thinking that certain teachers were out to get me. Now I can look back and realize what a punk I was and how I was really bringing a lot of atention to myself based on my attitude and behavior.

Teachers come down on you because you are misbehaving but they don't come down on others because they are doing the same thing??? The problem there is that you are misbehaving. So you are wrong. To hell with what your class mates are doing. It's the same as if everyone on the freeway is driving 90 mph and I get pulled over. I cant' say to the cop..."but everyone else was going the same speed." Guess what? YOU got caught. Not all those other people. Get your **** together and do what you're there to do; learn, graduate, and move on.

Bandmates are screwing up and blaming you? Welcome to being in a rock band. I've played in a hell of a lot of bands in my life and I can tell you that the majority of musicians are complete and total ******. That includes bass players. And yes that can even include you. It also includes me...so don't get offended.
If the band agreed to play a song exactly as it is on the album, then it sounds like you are right. But how many bands really do that? Many bands make cover songs their own. So if you guys agreed to play it verbatim, then you should point that out. If there was no agreement, lighten up and have some fun making it your own. If you still cant' settle it and you're really unhappy with it; take a hike. You live in California. there are eight billion musicians in your state. I know because for many years, I was one of them. Finding a band in CA is easy.

[bigfatbass]

Sometimes there's only one thing for it.

Man sex?

[Higgie]

Originally Posted by bigfatbass

Man sex?

I'm pretty sure that was the "Stone Cold Stunner", but if that's how you'd deal with it, I'm not gonna stop ya!

[Phalex]

PacMan and Casual Madness are right on the mark here. Don't worry about what other people are getting away with. Concentrate on what you're doing. It doesn't sound like you're being singled out for no reason. You have absolutely no control over anyone but yourself. Self control will get you places farther on down the road. It's a worthwhile thing to practice. Teachers have nothing on bosses, wives, and mortgages. Don't discover that the hard way.


As far as your band mates being jackasses, if you want to play in bands that have guitard's and vocalists you may as well get used to it. They are all like that.


Much like you, I am a very passive person as well. I've always been a big guy too (I think you fall into that category.) People rarely if ever give me any crap simple because of my massiveness. Of course, I never give anyone any crap either. I have no idea as to why the rest of the puny humans would single you out. Maybe you have to work on the "Crazy Eye"?

[AlphaMale]

Originally Posted by Pacman

In addition to these other posts I offer this: Make sure your behavior is above reproach. Don't compare yourself to others in the class, compare yourself to the class rules. Don't bring things into class that don't belong there. Don't make fun of his haircut. Don't play when you're not supposed to play. Saying "well they're getting away with it, so I should to" is a childish argument at best.

Good luck.

Originally Posted by casualmadness

Let's see, first of all; you're a kid. It's ok to be a kid. We all were at some point. So I'm wondering if your teachers pushing you around is in your own mind. I remember as a kid thinking that certain teachers were out to get me. Now I can look back and realize what a punk I was and how I was really bringing a lot of atention to myself based on my attitude and behavior.

Teachers come down on you because you are misbehaving but they don't come down on others because they are doing the same thing??? The problem there is that you are misbehaving. So you are wrong. To hell with what your class mates are doing. It's the same as if everyone on the freeway is driving 90 mph and I get pulled over. I cant' say to the cop..."but everyone else was going the same speed." Guess what? YOU got caught. Not all those other people. Get your **** together and do what you're there to do; learn, graduate, and move on.

Bandmates are screwing up and blaming you? Welcome to being in a rock band. I've played in a hell of a lot of bands in my life and I can tell you that the majority of musicians are complete and total ******. That includes bass players. And yes that can even include you. It also includes me...so don't get offended.
If the band agreed to play a song exactly as it is on the album, then it sounds like you are right. But how many bands really do that? Many bands make cover songs their own. So if you guys agreed to play it verbatim, then you should point that out. If there was no agreement, lighten up and have some fun making it your own. If you still cant' settle it and you're really unhappy with it; take a hike. You live in California. there are eight billion musicians in your state. I know because for many years, I was one of them. Finding a band in CA is easy.

You guys are absolutely right. I did that today, and since I was doing less stuff I got bothered by my teacher. I guess the bottom line is even if I am being singled out, if I don't do anything wrong. I will get in trouble less. I just need to obey the rules grow up and be a man. And I really shouldn't care that much if I'm being blamed because I'm sure they don't really care as much as I do about it.

Originally Posted by Phalex

PacMan and Casual Madness are right on the mark here. Don't worry about what other people are getting away with. Concentrate on what you're doing. It doesn't sound like you're being singled out for no reason. You have absolutely no control over anyone but yourself. Self control will get you places farther on down the road. It's a worthwhile thing to practice. Teachers have nothing on bosses, wives, and mortgages. Don't discover that the hard way.


As far as your band mates being jackasses, if you want to play in bands that have guitard's and vocalists you may as well get used to it. They are all like that.


Much like you, I am a very passive person as well. I've always been a big guy too (I think you fall into that category.) People rarely if ever give me any crap simple because of my massiveness. Of course, I never give anyone any crap either. I have no idea as to why the rest of the puny humans would single you out. Maybe you have to work on the "Crazy Eye"?

Today I stood up for myself finally. I was talking to my friend and some guy made a joke about me. I just ignored it and kept talking, this was my push-over instinct, but I shouldn't have made a big deal about it anyway. But then I heard it again, and I started to ignore it but then 2 seconds later I went over to him and looked him in the eye and said, "Are you saying something?" He said "What" I said "Are you saying something?" he said, "No I'm just posted (means hanging out)" I said "Do you have something you want to say to me?" he began to stutter. And I said "What? I can't hear you, do you have something you want to say?" and he said, No I'm just posted. And I said, Okay and walked back to my friends and he no longer said anything. =]
If you notice I didn't say anything disrespectful or anything but I had let him know that I will not tolerate him saying about me.

[Pacman]

Originally Posted by AlphaMale

I guess the bottom line is even if I am being singled out, if I don't do anything wrong. I will get in trouble less. I just need to obey the rules grow up and be a man. And I really shouldn't care that much if I'm being blamed because I'm sure they don't really care as much as I do about it.

BINGO! awesome!

If you notice I didn't say anything disrespectful or anything but I had let him know that I will not tolerate him saying about me.

Firm, not rude. Excellent job. You've got it! Good on you.

[Rudyboy98]

Originally Posted by Pacman

In addition to these other posts I offer this: Make sure your behavior is above reproach. Don't compare yourself to others in the class, compare yourself to the class rules. Don't bring things into class that don't belong there. Don't make fun of his haircut. Don't play when you're not supposed to play. Saying "well they're getting away with it, so I should to" is a childish argument at best.

Good luck.

Wise words Pacman!

Being above reproach is a hard thing to do for myself. I strive for it every day. But I try to stay the course~!

Blessings, man!

P.S> BTW-Thank you for serving my country as well! I greatly appreciate it. (I am a previous U.S. Army serviceman...and a proud American!)

[Joe Gress]

Just be the best, and don't take nothing from nobody(just don't lower yourself to their standards). There's a fine line between being an ass, and being a coward (and you can easily be both at once). But once you find it, boy it sure feels great, and other people will respect you.

[peaveyuser]

Great stuff so far! I'm around your age and I was a pushover before (and still am kind of) and let me tell you sometimes you have to be a dick. It's not great but people will leave you alone at times if you act like a dick back. Learn to say "NO", I don't do ***holes favours anymore, hell when my friend is sitting around and asks me to do a tedious task I just give them a blank stare and they do it themselves *I am not peoples maid*. Forget about what people think if they call you a loser or mock you or whatever just tell them to **** off and ignore them.

The only people you should be listening too and be nice to are people who respect you and aren't dip*****, the others can screw off their opinion doesn't matter because they are judgmental idiots.


Like in my situation the ***hole who bugs me "why don't you have a gf" "of you never had a gf" "oh is your bass your only love" (i have had that said to me yes). Just ignore the idiot and call him an ***hole. Hell there was one person who I TOTALLY ignore because all the person says is negative crap about how i should get one and does it in the way where they think they are nice. I totally ignore this person, when I'm spoken to I ignore 100% not a word back.

[Vince S.]

I am really glad I stumbled upon this thread, since I am in a similar predicament. For most of my life I had always been very quiet and unassertive. As a volunteer EMT, that is detrimental since I'm in a position where I must lead and be able to handle crisis calmly, confidently, and professionally while other people are in panic. I have been walked over by fellow EMTs and patients alike. The last straw occurred a couple of weeks ago when I was working a shift and I got screamed at by another crew member in front of the patient's family and bystanders. I just took it and slung my head low. However, I knew at that point I had to change.

I now try to speak in a more firm, confident tone, with no "uhhs" and answer questions confidently with "yes" or "no" with no maybes or wavers in voice. I've already noticed some change in how people perceive and treat me through my new behavior.

That said...

Originally Posted by peaveyuser

The only people you should be listening too and be nice to are people who respect you and aren't dip*****, the others can screw off their opinion doesn't matter because they are judgmental idiots.

I think I may have gone overboard with some of my own new "confident" behavior and crossed from "firm" into "rude" at some points, especially towards friends and family. It's sad, but it's easier to take things out or be mean to people who care and are there for you. I find I have to remind myself of that now, and to be nicer toward the people who care about me and firm, but not rude, towards those who either do not respect me or whom I'm not close with.

[peaveyuser]

Originally Posted by Vince S.

I think I may have gone overboard with some of my own new "confident" behavior and crossed from "firm" into "rude" at some points, especially towards friends and family. It's sad, but it's easier to take things out or be mean to people who care and are there for you. I find I have to remind myself of that now, and to be nicer toward the people who care about me and firm, but not rude, towards those who either do not respect me or whom I'm not close with.

exactly, well sometimes you CAN be rude but thats only to the real dicks. To the others I just ignore or just don't show good will, i don't call em names but i don't put a smile on either if you know what i mean.

People that I like and respect I treat well and have no problem being nice too, that includes people I have never met before because you can't be a *** to new people until yo know how they are.

[Rudyboy98]

Any news from the OP on this one???

[fretlessguy]

I know how you are and feel, because I have been there. My operating modes were either let someone else call the shots all the time, without me being able to tell how I felt, or go to the other extreme and get a chair and clear out the room due to the frustration. I was never in the middle.
After having enough of this for 34 years, I decided to check out a technique called assertiveness training, in which they train you to tell how you feel about things with others without making an arse of yourself.
I teach students who have similar problems. Most of the ones who get in trouble do so because not what they said, but how they said it. I do not know how your teacher said what he/she said, but it sounds like they need the training as well.
Checkout assertiveness training with your school's guidance counselor. They will usually have the information you need to get the training locally, or even be able to train you themselves. I wish you well with your search for peace in this area.
Doug