I think i'm done with relationships

[runmikeyrun]

Sorry to rant about my drama, but i'm going to anyways.

I am just finishing up a divorce that has taken over 2 years. My ex wife cheated on me, but I only found out about the last guy. Turns out there were several others for years before. When I asked her to move out of the house one day after I'd had enough she made up some BS about me being psychotic, having a gun, and telling her I was going to kill her and my 4 year old daughter. Obviously I never said any of those things but the cops and the court didn't care- they took me to the looney bin and she was able to get a restraining order against me. It was eventually dropped because, surprise, she had no evidence to support it.

I realized through therapy that I was emotionally abused and controlled by her for years. I had a real life changing event, was hospitalized a few times, and have been putting up with all kinds of crap from her since I filed for divorce. Because of the divorce I am in foreclosure and declaring bankruptcy. I am a full time nursing student with no job until next summer, when i'll be returning to work part time as a firefighter.

I started dating a co-worker last year who knew all my drama before we started dating. She gave me the standard "that doesn't bother me, I love you for who you are" blah blah blah. Things go really well. She moves in with me and we start planning our life together. Everything is great. After 8 months she packs up and leaves one day saying she can't stand my drama with my ex wife and the thought of being a stepmom.

There's a girl I've been friends with for over a year and we've talked a lot about our relationship drama. She's been through a lot of the same stuff I have. I hung out with her a few times last week and we really hit it off. We've always had a pretty close relationship to begin with. While we both said we're not ready to date anyone yet I still thought that maybe some day when we were both ready something might happen. I am a very honest and up front person, so I told her the intimate details of my marriage drama and that I'm bipolar, but stable and don't suffer from any sort of "craziness". She said it didn't bother her at all. She then proceeded to tell me about 10 times after that she's not ready to be dating and all that stuff. Today she tells me she's going out on a date tonight.

I just feel like I have nothing to offer anyone and that any attempts to pursue a relationship will always end the same. Even though I am a very sensitive guy and always give 110% to any woman I'm with I feel like women don't think that's enough, even though they always say they want a sensitive guy who understands them.

It's not my fault I'm a stable mentally ill person, or losing my house, or have returned to school and won't have much money for the next few years, or that I have a child, or that I have a psycho ex-wife. I'm average looking I guess and girls think I do a lot of "cool" things, like being a firefighter/medic, riding motorcycles, and being in a band. They always like all that stuff at first but then don't want to be involved when they find out the other stuff.

This sounds stupid but all I really want is to love and care for someone, and for them to do the same back. Someone who understands me and doesn't judge me for things I can't control. I am just tired of being hurt because women seem sto like me but then don't want to get involved when they hear about my drama.

Maybe I should just stick with my cats.

Sorry for the long post.

[i_got_a_mohawk]

Originally Posted by runmikeyrun

Sorry to rant about my drama, but i'm going to anyways.

I am just finishing up a divorce that has taken over 2 years. My ex wife cheated on me, but I only found out about the last guy. Turns out there were several others for years before. When I asked her to move out of the house one day after I'd had enough she made up some BS about me being psychotic, having a gun, and telling her I was going to kill her and my 4 year old daughter. Obviously I never said any of those things but the cops and the court didn't care- they took me to the looney bin and she was able to get a restraining order against me. It was eventually dropped because, surprise, she had no evidence to support it.

I realized through therapy that I was emotionally abused and controlled by her for years. I had a real life changing event, was hospitalized a few times, and have been putting up with all kinds of crap from her since I filed for divorce. Because of the divorce I am in foreclosure and declaring bankruptcy. I am a full time nursing student with no job until next summer, when i'll be returning to work part time as a firefighter.

Sorry to hear about all of that, but at least that part is done and you can move on with your life

Originally Posted by runmikeyrun

I started dating a co-worker last year who knew all my drama before we started dating. She gave me the standard "that doesn't bother me, I love you for who you are" blah blah blah. Things go really well. She moves in with me and we start planning our life together. Everything is great. After 8 months she packs up and leaves one day saying she can't stand my drama with my ex wife and the thought of being a stepmom.

In her defense, the stress probably did build up if your ex is as much of a nut as you are making out!

Originally Posted by runmikeyrun

There's a girl I've been friends with for over a year and we've talked a lot about our relationship drama. She's been through a lot of the same stuff I have. I hung out with her a few times last week and we really hit it off. We've always had a pretty close relationship to begin with. While we both said we're not ready to date anyone yet I still thought that maybe some day when we were both ready something might happen. I am a very honest and up front person, so I told her the intimate details of my marriage drama and that I'm bipolar, but stable and don't suffer from any sort of "craziness". She said it didn't bother her at all. She then proceeded to tell me about 10 times after that she's not ready to be dating and all that stuff. Today she tells me she's going out on a date tonight.

Sounds like she was just letting you off nicely bud. Once in the friend zone, always in the friend zone (IMO!).

Originally Posted by runmikeyrun

I just feel like I have nothing to offer anyone and that any attempts to pursue a relationship will always end the same. Even though I am a very sensitive guy and always give 110% to any woman I'm with I feel like women don't think that's enough, even though they always say they want a sensitive guy who understands them.

Maybe you are being a bit too full on and a bit too "there", sometimes it helps to have a little bit of distance in a relationship, as to not get too smothering.

Originally Posted by runmikeyrun

It's not my fault I'm a stable mentally ill person, or losing my house, or have returned to school and won't have much money for the next few years, or that I have a child, or that I have a psycho ex-wife. I'm average looking I guess and girls think I do a lot of "cool" things, like being a firefighter/medic, riding motorcycles, and being in a band. They always like all that stuff at first but then don't want to be involved when they find out the other stuff.

This sounds stupid but all I really want is to love and care for someone, and for them to do the same back. Someone who understands me and doesn't judge me for things I can't control. I am just tired of being hurt because women seem sto like me but then don't want to get involved when they hear about my drama.

Maybe I should just stick with my cats.

Sorry for the long post.

Everyone has baggage, granted, sounds like you have more than many. But try not to let that define you. Try not to actively go hunting, IME the best relationships hit you out of nowhere when you weren't expecting them.

Chin up bud, play some bass and talk some nonsense in the other OT threads

[Relic]

been there my friend, lord knows I've been there.

I know that you're probably not going to want to hear this but you know what you have to do? Forget about a "relationship" right now. You have to go out and celebrate the patented maki "quantity vs quality" method. That's right - nail any damn thing that moves and has a vjayjay. Start with the fatties and work your way up.

Know what you're suffering from? Years of control and abuse has left you feeling bad about yourself and THAT is what's chasing the wimmenz away. It's not the ex, it's not the child, etc I went through the same thing while having two kids, no house, a beater old car...
Despite how much they say they want someone sensitive and caring, it's all bullshot. They ACTUALLY want someone caring sensitive and *confident*. You gotta fix that first and everything will fall into line, I absolutely swear this on my 76 P-bass. I lived it.

[Tituscrow]

Now is the time to fill thy boots

[MJ5150]

Originally Posted by i_got_a_mohawk

Try not to actively go hunting, IME the best relationships hit you out of nowhere when you weren't expecting them.

I was thinking the same thing.

Originally Posted by Relic

They ACTUALLY want someone caring sensitive and *confident*. You gotta fix that first and everything will fall into line....

Totally agree here. The women you are becoming close too are probably picking up on the fallout from your failed relationship, and I really don't blame them for backing off if it seems like you still have unresolved issues from that. Let yourself heal and become stronger.

In the meantime, hang out with us here in OT as a distraction now and then.

-Mike

[Muaguana]

I'm feeling ya, man. Never been married, myself, but I'm also bipolar and have had relationship issues with cheating women (my first girlfriend left me for some guy in Saudi Arabia... I still have no clue how that happened.) A therapist I used to see once said that people who were the victims in an abusive relationship will gravitate toward abusers for future relationships. It happened to my mother, who was in an abusive marriage for 16 years before divorcing and went on to start relationships with cheaters and other men who took advantage of her.

It's hard as hell to overcome your subconscious tendencies, but like another poster said, don't let the problems you've had define you. Obviously I'm not one to talk, since I have the same problem and find it incredibly difficult to be confident at all in myself, but I'm working on it. And that's all we can do.

Good luck.

[Vic Winters]

Forget relationships for a while and start forming/strengthening some friendships. It's always good to have a strong support structure based around people you aren't sleeping with.

[MakiSupaStar]

You've got the stink of failure. Women smell it. You're not obligated to divulge your baggage with every potential chick you bag. Go and tap a bunch of chicks and hook up with them by getting them to talk about themselves. Don't talk about yourself, and all your baggage. Focus on them. Quantity not quality. Go get laid.

[lotusland9663]

Right now the only relationship you should pursue is with yourself. You need to get healthy, re-build your self-esteem and work to understand the pattern of abusive relationships you keep finding yourself in.

Getting healthy means working with a therapist or self help group to understand your issues. You have to stop repeating your abusive relationship patterns or this will be how you live the rest of your life.

Banging every available woman is not the way to build your self-esteem. Your problems go much deeper than that and you need to take the solutions seriously. Finish your schooling, get a good job, volunteer - give back to your community, etc. once you're healthy you'll attract a healthy relationship - don't even try till you're ready.

Misery loves company and crazy/abusive seeks crazy/abusive so if you want out of this cycle you have to change.

Good luck with it - it's one of the hardest and best things you will do for yourself

[MatticusMania]

Sounds to me like your biggest problem is you dumping all your drama on these women way too soon. Youre putting yourself in the "friend zone" before there is a chance for romance to spark.

Originally Posted by Relic

Know what you're suffering from? Years of control and abuse has left you feeling bad about yourself and THAT is what's chasing the wimmenz away. It's not the ex, it's not the child, etc I went through the same thing while having two kids, no house, a beater old car...

Great point.

[pbasswil]

Originally Posted by lotusland9663

Right now the only relationship you should pursue is with yourself. You need to get healthy, re-build your self-esteem and work to understand the pattern of abusive relationships you keep finding yourself in.

[...] You have to stop repeating your abusive relationship patterns or this will be how you live the rest of your life.

[...] if you want out of this cycle you have to change.

Totally agree with lotusland here.

Imho, figuring out how your formative family dynamics have taught you to (mis)relate to others is the ultimate long-term life project.

But before you can really get started on that self-exploration, I think it's really important to cut yourself some slack. You've had an incredibly hard time, and the reasons you've been put through it aren't yet apparent to you.

Make sure you have some regular time to yourself, and use the time just for yourself. Pursue stuff that is meaningful to you. Work out from there.

Everytime that script comes up "I'm hopeless", patiently back up and remember that you need plenty of time and thinking to unravel the negative ways you've been taught (by your earliest upbringing) to relate to people.

Best of luck, buddy. Take it slow, but keep at it.

[Funky Ghost]

Focus on your daughter. Make that as right as you can. Ignore the drama with the ex and don't allow yourself to be baited. When you've done that the other things, miraculously, will seem far less important to you. I'm twice divorced, once in a situation much like you had.

For gosh sakes don't tell all your past problems to potential relationships. That was who you were, not who you are. That was just a chapter in the book of you. It doesn't define you, unless you let it. Learn from it and move on.

Be kind to yourself. Find joy where you can and try to learn something about yourself every day.

Be well !

[Strat-Mangler]

Without knowing you, it's hard to know what's really going on.

One thing I can say from personal experience, dealing with an ex who was bipolar. You're most likely intense. Way more intense than you realize... whether you're stable or not. People tend to shy away from intense people because it's too much to take in all at once. If you attack your relationships that way (the 110% comment was the tip-off that you probably do), it's no wonder that girls leave. Without doing it on purpose, you probably put out a needy vibe which girls despise.

I'd also venture a guess that you jump into relationships too quickly, pour your heart out way too readily, and probably divulge without realizing it many details that can be viewed as disturbing. You confuse being honest with full disclosure and at the end, the girls might think it's too much to handle.

Bottom line... pace yourself. *Ease* into things and back the hell off the gas pedal. When you're chatting it up with the girl, don't launch into the story of your crazy ex with all of the gory details. It's perfectly OK and way more acceptable to tone it down with a "I'm now divorced and it was rather messy." The end! That's it! Over time, you can maybe talk about the details, but remember that if the girl doesn't need to know stuff like this, it's best to keep your mouth shut.

I know I wouldn't go out with a girl with that much baggage (no offense). I myself am an intense person... which is great to attract women, but not so much to keep them. Over the years, I've learned to calm down, not blurt out every thought I have, be more discriminative of who I go out with, who I talk to regarding personal matters, etc.

And lo & behold, I found this perfect girl whose in all honesty the best human being I've ever met, by far. We've been happy for almost 4 years and going strong with zero issues whatsoever.

It can happen, but lots of people have too much pride & ego to realize that they might exhibit characteristics that are undesirable to the opposite sex. I'm a very different person now than I was 10 years ago and I worked harder at it than anything else I ever tackled in my life. Not only did I benefit, my current g/f did, as well as my family & friends.

Whatever path you choose, good luck.

[Actium]

If a woman ever says she isn't ready for a relationship or doesn't want to date it's a white lie. But don't take it personally. She really means she doesn't want that with you. But they are saying it in a nice way to not hurt your feelings. I can guarantee you that a single woman will go out of their way to date and go down that relationship road the second they meet a dude they feel dreamy about. Whether or not they are "ready" for it.

But don't worry about it. At that point you shouldn't have invested much emotionally.

Even when you get yourself seemingly sorted out never never ever deliberately seek a relationship. That comes off as needy. And you'll put yourself in unhealthy situations for that sake. Let relationships happen naturally. You will know when it's happening naturally because it will be awesome. Do put yourself in situations to meet people that could potentially happen with.


As for your past drama. Just don't bring it up. Don't necessarily hide it either. But bringing it up early can be taken as an implication that it still bothers you. And that isn't going to look good.

As an analogy I am half deaf. It doesn't bother me, I am not insecure about it. Not many people notice at all because I've had excellent speech therapy growing up and I lip read very well. I rarely even mention it to people I meet because well, it does not bother me. It's a part of who I am and I've learned to not make a gigantic issue about it and not let it hold me back. However, if somebody does ask me about it(there are subtle ways you can tell) I have no problems talking about it.

[Skitch it!]

I agree with with the guys whose advice is to give yourself the attention and time to realign your emotions. It's important to realize and come to terms with how deeply affecting your experiences have been, and how that residue colors you and your feelings. Others will find it difficult to be comfortable with you until you are comfortable within yourself. I think undertaking some CBT would be really helpful in order to get some clarity and release. Don't be too hard on yourself and take it easy.

[DaveDeVille]

Originally Posted by MakiSupaStar

You've got the stink of failure. Women smell it.
You're not obligated to divulge your baggage with every potential chick you bag.
Go and tap a bunch of chicks and hook up with them by getting them to talk about themselves.
Don't talk about yourself, and all your baggage. Focus on them.
Quantity not quality.
Go get laid.

agreed .

[NKUSigEp]

Hey...girls do that to ya. That's why they say if it wasn't for the sex, we'd all be gay.

Speaking of...you ever give men a shot? LOL But seriously, take yourself out of the game for a while and go back down to the minors and get your swing back? Maki's got some good advice.

[macaroni tony]

Without reading all of the posts, I already know a good bulk of this has already been said. Here goes anyway:

Mikey, I feel for you greatly. Please do what you can to not worry about women at all for a while. Just go on with life, taking care of yourself and your kid. Make and build on good friendships with people. There is much to be gained out of life from that; women would just be a distraction at this point. If someone comes along and something comes out of that, then great. But let that be little more of an afterthought to you for now.

After all, all women really want is a man who doesn't care or isn't paying any attention to them.

[Mike M.]

Sounds like what I went thru as well. My ex was always a bit controlling but it got worse and worse as time went on. Spent money we didn't have and had multiple affairs. That woman use to get down on me for the most stupid things imaginable.

I would highly recommend that you take some down time and really, really get to know yourself. Sounds like a great part of "you" got lost throughout the years and you need to find "you" again. That's what happened to me. I felt like I lost my identity and I didn't know who I was anymore. Play your bass, go to jam sessions, read, go for walks and learn to take stock in lifes simple offerings.

Hell, I got divorced in '93 and I can tell you in all honesty that I'm very content being by myself. Not saying being alone is perfect and for everybody but it's worked out quite well for me.

Take some time for you. You'll survive.

[runmikeyrun]

thanks for the advice guys.

I'm not into useless sex. that will leave me feeling like crap. The opportunities have been there, trust me. I just don't want myself to feel worse.

I've talked in depth with this last girl for over a year. She actually asked me all the questions about my ex and stuff. She has gone through some really rough times and we identify on a lot of that stuff. I told her about my illness and stuff because I didn't think it was fair for me to have feelings for her later (and her, me) and then I drop that bomb. Then they think you were hiding it and when they ditch you it's that much harder to handle. Idk, I'd personally not like to tell anyone but if I end up with someone they're eventually going to find out.

I wish people could just be honest and say "I just want to be friends" instead of pulling the "i'm not into dating right now" crap. I freaking hate liars. That's what I feel like dating is- just one big lie. Except I'm not the one doing the lying.

I'm not going gay. Something bad happened to me when I was 6.

I did a lot of CBT for the last couple of years, including some pretty intense group that was 3 nights a week 3 hours a session for 3 months. I figured out a TON of stuff. I'm over the stuff with my exes, it's just the current crap.

Argh. I'm glad i'm actively playing in a band, shooting a video next week, and recording soon. Motorcycle season is going to end here in a couple of weeks, that's going to take out one of my methods of "therapy".

Thanks again everyone.