I wept last night

EricF · #1 01-07-2008, 11:30 AM

On the Sunday before Christmas, my mother-in-law passed away very unexpectedly. She was a wonderful, loving, and very special woman who was a big part of our family and adored by her flock of grandchildren. My wife has been totally devestated by the loss of her mother. Through all this, I've needed to keep my head together and stay focused on getting things taken care of for our family and making arrangements for my MIL. I've been so focused on tending to other people that my own emotions about the situation have been bottled up so I can keep functioning.

Last night, the dam burst, and I wept uncontollably for a long time. I'm not asking why this happened - for whatever reason, it was her time. I wept becuase her loss has left an emotional hole in me. I wept because my kids have lost someone very special to them. I wept becuase my youngest daughter (3-years-old) probably won't remember very much about her. I wept becuase my wife is in so much pain. I wept becuase this world has lost a beautiful person who had a positive impact on the people who knew her.

As much as anything, I'm just venting. I just needed a place where I could put something in writing.

MakiSupaStar · #2 01-07-2008, 11:32 AM

Grief is a process. It's both physical and mental. Hang in their brother. Have a beer.

Bryan316 · #3 01-07-2008, 11:34 AM

I know the feeling exactly, bro.

Far too often, in fact.

When my best friend's father passed, we just sat there in the funeral home, sobbing. He was infinitely wise and always hilarious to talk to. And I didn't realise how much he meant to me as well, as the two of us grew up together.

When the good ones are gone, we appreciate life so much more.

GregC · #4 01-07-2008, 11:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MakiSupaStar

Grief is a process. It's both physical and mental. Hang in their brother. Have a beer.

Well said. It takes time, and recovery is usually not a straight line up--it's ups and downs. I'm sorry for your loss, hang in there.

i_got_a_mohawk · #5 01-07-2008, 11:35 AM

Sorry to hear about your loss, hang in there bro!

Valerus · #6 01-07-2008, 11:52 AM

It'll happen to us all. I know you're in a painful situation right now, but just remember it WILL get better along the line. It'll just take some time to mend the damage done.

EricF · #7 01-07-2008, 12:03 PM

I've been down this road before - I lost my dad in '94. I know that things will get better.

I encourage EVERYONE to make the effort to tell the people that you care about how you feel about them before that opportunity is gone. Don't assume they know. Say the words.

louieeadg · #8 01-07-2008, 12:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Valerus

It'll happen to us all.

This is true. More often than not, during these times it's hard because of the many different perspectives of people and different relationships with people we have. So we feel alone during these times because "no one will truly understand what this person meant to me." Which is true...but not true.

My mom died when I was in high school and 2 things were the biggest comforts for me. 1-Knowing that even without my mother, I was still luckier than a few hundred million people on earth. And 2-This story I read about Buddha...A lady was grief stricken over the loss of her son. When she heard Buddha would be in her village she made plans to see him when he arrived. When she went to see him she asked if he could bring her son back. He replied, "I will be able to bring your son back if you go to every house in the village and bring back a mustard seed for every house that hasn't experienced a loss. If you return without any seeds, I can bring your son back." Needless to say, the lady returned with a bag full of seeds. After sitting and talking with every house, reminiscing about their loved ones, she felt better talking about her grief as well as being an open ear for others who needed to talk about it...

I don't know, seems silly but it sounds good in my brain and helped me out a lot. I'm not religious at all, but I read quite a bit about a large array of things...

cheers

jady · #9 01-07-2008, 12:05 PM

I envy your relationship with your Mother in law, I do not have such a relationship with mine. Thoughts and prayers are with you bro!!!!!!!

bassteban · #10 01-07-2008, 12:06 PM

I'm sorry to hear this. When my MIL left us a few years ago, we could very much see it coming, which doesn't make it a picnic, but your situation has got to be incredibly hard. The business aspects of it all tended to keep us from focussing on the pain, but the day you can sit down & reflect really hurts. We're here for you.

EricF · #11 01-07-2008, 12:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bassteban

I'm sorry to hear this. When my MIL left us a few years ago, we could very much see it coming, which doesn't make it a picnic, but your situation has got to be incredibly hard. The business aspects of it all tended to keep us from focussing on the pain, but the day you can sit down & reflect really hurts. We're here for you.

Being that it was not a long, painful decline I find to be easier to deal with. By all appreances, everything ended very quickly and relatively peacefully.

On the previous Wednesday, my MIL joined us for the Christmas program at my daughter's preschool. Nothing is more joyus than 3-year-olds singing Christmas songs with all their might, way off key. During the program, I took a picture of my MIL with a look of true happiness on her face. That was the last pic taken of her, and it is the way I will always remember her.

Thank you to everyone for you kind words. TB is an exceptional place.

Stanley Design · #12 01-07-2008, 12:21 PM

That's one thing that I've found difficult as a man so far, is that you need to be the rock, and that means putting your emotions away until everyone else you care about is stable, and then dealing with your emotions on your own. Just know that most of the people on talkbass are rocks in their own rivers, and on talkbass you can chat it out because they understand how tough it can get.

Humblerumble · #13 01-07-2008, 02:58 PM

My condolences and prayers. I am a real upbeat kinda person by nature and grief for a lost loved one always knocks me flat. I feel for you having to see your wife in pain and I dread that day myself. I know you already know this but eventually the pain will fade and you will be left with many memories of what sounds like a really special lady.

MakiSupaStar · #14 01-07-2008, 03:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Humblerumble

My condolences and prayers. I am a real upbeat kinda person by nature and grief for a lost loved one always knocks me flat. I feel for you having to see your wife in pain and I dread that day myself. I know you already know this but eventually the pain will fade and you will be left with many memories of what sounds like a really special lady.

+1. It's weird. I kind of live my life indifferent to things including people, but no one is impervious to grief.

fenderhutz · #15 01-07-2008, 03:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Humblerumble

My condolences and prayers. I am a real upbeat kinda person by nature and grief for a lost loved one always knocks me flat. I feel for you having to see your wife in pain and I dread that day myself. I know you already know this but eventually the pain will fade and you will be left with many memories of what sounds like a really special lady.

+2 You nailed it Humble. I think it would crush me to see my wife and son so upset over the loss.

Now would be a good time to start something with your 3 year old to remember her. Like a book of sorts. She will thank you later for it, helping her with the memories.

Baryonyx · #16 01-07-2008, 03:07 PM

Sorry to hear about your loss. But right now, you're at the bottom, and though it may not feel like it, the only way is up.

MonetBass · #17 01-07-2008, 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EricF

I wept becuase my youngest daughter (3-years-old) probably won't remember very much about her.

I can relate to that. I lost my stepdad in 2006, and my son wasn't even three at the time. Just keep showing her pictures and telling her that she loved her very much. When she gets older, hopefully she'll start asking questions about your MIL, so you can tell your daughter how wonderful she was.

**Thor** · #18 01-07-2008, 04:14 PM

I lost my FIL when the kids were little. He would have been
wonderful to have around and would have made a great
Grandpa. I feel your pain here.

Good vibes coming your way, bro.

Steve Clark · #19 01-07-2008, 07:47 PM

So sorry for your loss. I had to fly to Scotland the week before Christmas to bury my uncle and help my mum close up the apartment and all the other details. Its was the most brutal week of my life. I understand how the emotion can hit all of a sudden. For me I was sitting in a rental car in a parking lot on Glasgow and it just washed over me. So unexpected. But good. This thread combined the the Barber Adagio for Strings thread is a tough combination.

nad · #20 01-07-2008, 09:53 PM

I'm sorry to hear about that. I hope that everyone involved will be able to work through such a difficult time without any further adversity. Coming up on one a year ago my girlfriend lost her father to cancer. A fun time was had by none.

Unfortunately, death and the occasional temporary mental breakdown (associated or otherwise) are both unavoidable, necessary parts of life. Sucks.