If you were accused of having an affair, would you still contact the other party?

ahkiatt · #1 08-31-2008, 08:25 AM

Scenario:

Mr and Mrs A have been attached for a good 20 years. Over the past year, Mr A has been accusing Mrs A of having an affair with a foreigner. They went for counseling, and things calmed down. A few days ago, Mr A caught Mrs A with the same alleged adulterer. They were caught in the same car together. Mrs A is a housing agent and owns a car, but the adulterer was driving the car in an area that he is not familiar with.

So here's my question:
If you were Mrs A, would you still continue keeping in contact with the adulterer, even though you didn't have an extra-marital affair with him.

I wouldn't.

Discuss.

Vince S. · #2 08-31-2008, 08:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ahkiatt

Scenario:

Mr and Mrs A have been attached for a good 20 years. Over the past year, Mr A has been accusing Mrs A of having an affair with a foreigner. They went for counseling, and things calmed down. A few days ago, Mr A caught Mrs A with the same alleged adulterer.

So here's my question:
If you were Mrs A, would you still continue keeping in contact with the adulterer, even though you didn't have an extra-marital affair with him.

I wouldn't.

Discuss.

I'm confused. By "caught" do you mean in bed together or in a totally platonic situation?

Gard · #3 08-31-2008, 08:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vince S.

I'm confused. By "caught" do you mean in bed together or in a totally platonic situation?

Doesn't matter. If in a situation like this, you are told by your significant other that they do not trust you with this individual, and you continue to have ANY contact with this individual, you are wrong. End of discussion.

And, yes, I speak from experience (of being the "wrong" person - I did not have an affair, but my now ex-wife, thanks to her insane meddling family, was convinced I was having MULTIPLE affairs

), don't ever give the person you love a reason to doubt you. If they do, don't ever do anything to reinforce said doubt. Ever.

I made the mistake of opening a mass e-mail from the girl that my ex was convinced (incorrectly) I was bonking (how crazy was it? The girl in question lived in OH, I lived in FL and have never BEEN to OH; she was singularly unattractive to me, just someone that was a fan of my band that I was being polite to!

). Just an innocent "Happy Thanksgiving" note, sent to dozens of people in her e-mail list. I didn't even reply to it, just opened it. It was the "straw that broke the camel's back", and not 2 days later, my ex was gone. I wish I hadn't done that....not that I'm unhappy now, but I wish I hadn't.

Mrs. A is wrong, end of discussion.

ahkiatt · #4 08-31-2008, 09:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vince S.

I'm confused. By "caught" do you mean in bed together or in a totally platonic situation?

Edited the post. They were seen in the same car.

spade2you · #5 08-31-2008, 09:08 AM

Probably not a good idea to contact the person without witnesses for you. This could potentially lead to a "trail" that they could use to say that there's an affair going on.

peterbright · #6 08-31-2008, 09:21 AM

What was he doing driving her car?

Curtybob · #7 08-31-2008, 09:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by peterbright

What was he doing driving her car?

Getting the shifter cleaned up.

BassChuck · #8 08-31-2008, 09:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gard

......don't ever give the person you love a reason to doubt you. If they do, don't ever do anything to reinforce said doubt. Ever.

Yea, this is the main point. If you really love someone you should not do things that cause doubt to enter into the relationship. Period.

Now I do realize that your SO may have a problem with trust that is not really based in logic, and that probably should be dealt with. See a consellor, but don't take the 'illogic' of their problem as permission to do something that will put your relationship at risk.

ahkiatt · #9 08-31-2008, 10:16 AM

Yeah, they are getting counseling, both as a couple, and individually, which is the most amazing thing to me. It's almost as if they are going because they have been told that it's the right thing to do so.

Oh, and I'm not Mr A. I'm only 18, and not quite ready to get settled down just yet.

ahkiatt · #10 08-31-2008, 10:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by peterbright

What was he doing driving her car?

She claims that he knew which part of town he was headed for.

But Mrs A lives less than 3 miles away from where they were headed to and the dude she was with lived 20 miles away. Mrs A also knows that area inside out.

FL Knifemaker · #11 08-31-2008, 10:22 AM

Is Mrs A Hot??

Kitsapbass · #12 08-31-2008, 10:24 AM

Mrs. A, I feel, is apparently deluding herself - whether she is cheating or not, giving the impression that something is going on will bite her on the a**...right or not.

I'm speaking from experience here.

Steve · #13 08-31-2008, 10:39 AM

IMHO

"Mrs. A is behaving in a manner consistent with that of a floozy"

Not good.

Yeah, her husband should trust her but, reality is what it is and her continuing her behavior in the face of the problems it's causing is a recipe for disaster.

Curtybob · #14 08-31-2008, 10:45 AM

Yeah but trust is earned. This is kinda like somebody holding a cocked and loaded gun to your face and saying, "Don't worry, I'm not gonna shoot. It only appears that I will."

The ironic thing is, she will probably hold it against the husband that he has trust issues with her.

Gard · #15 08-31-2008, 10:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Curtybob

Yeah but trust is earned. This is kinda like somebody holding a cocked and loaded gun to your face and saying, "Don't worry, I'm not gonna shoot. It only appears that I will."

The ironic thing is, she will probably hold it against the husband that he has trust issues with her.

Exactly.

I blamed EVERYONE for what happened to me, and while there were absolutely circumstances beyond my control, I did things that were inherently STUPID and did nothing to undo the damage that others had started. It took a lot of counseling and years of introspection to undo the damage that I mostly inflicted on myself in the end. If I had just had the sense to reinforce to my ex the fact that I wasn't doing anything wrong, and her family was misinforming her, well...c'est la vie...

If Mrs. A wants to keep her marriage, she needs to cease and desist all contact with her "friend". Otherwise, Mr. A has every right to kick her to the curb.

peterbright · #16 08-31-2008, 03:41 PM

Lets call "Cheaters"

fenderhutz · #17 08-31-2008, 03:44 PM

You know what. I am married and have very close female friends as well. If my wife thought I was cheating, we do not have a strong relationship. Trust is a big factor in this.

I love my wife and my family and would do nothing to break that trust, my wife knows that.

If the theoretical wife doesn't know that, you have more problems than just the "friend" involved.

Curtybob · #18 08-31-2008, 04:29 PM

Maybe I'm a dog... but I've never had a friend that was a girl (excluding family and friends' wives) that I didn't want to see nekkid at some point.

My ex wife always said she wouldn't trust me alone with a coed friend, and I really can't say that I'd blame her.

And on the other side of that, I had a buddy that had a few good friends that were female. His wife hated them, but he had this way of making her accept it under the argument of trust. It wasn't really trust in my book, just very clever manipulation. Not that every relationship is like that, but that's what I've seen personally.

fenderhutz · #19 08-31-2008, 04:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Curtybob

Maybe I'm a dog... but I've never had a friend that was a girl (excluding family and friends' wives) that I didn't want to see nekkid at some point.

My ex wife always said she wouldn't trust me alone with a coed friend, and I really can't say that I'd blame her.

And on the other side of that, I had a buddy that had a few good friends that were female. His wife hated them, but he had this way of making her accept it under the argument of trust. It wasn't really trust in my book, just very clever manipulation. Not that every relationship is like that, but that's what I've seen personally.

Welcome to the non trusting movie romance Jerry Springer generation

awakefie · #20 08-31-2008, 04:52 PM

I have a very good friend that is female.

She is also attractive (and married with kids, as am I).

My wife has never accused me of anything or hinted at anything. I take great measures not to give her a reason. To me, that's part of saying I care for my wife and her feelings more than anything.

My friend and i work together and sometimes have to meet 1 on 1 for many hours (mentoring). I work at home and make sure our meetings are clearly defined in advance (my wife knows she will be here) and I usually make sure all doors are open, etc...

It's not that my wife doesn't trust me. I do what I do out of consideration for her. I also make sure all the neighbors have met and know her and her husband.