I'm looking for some reassurance

[kissmybASS01]

LONG POST WARNING

Fellow TB'ers,

2013 is going to be a scary year for me. Not only is it going to be my 40th birthday (in July), but I just got engaged to my beautiful fiancee on Christmas Day and apparently plan to marry her this coming August.

Wierd/interesting fact: I'm 39, my fiancee is 26. I am 13yrs older than her, and her mom is 13yrs older than me The age difference does not matter to my fiancee or any of her family.

Most of my friends from high school and such have long been married and many of them have children of their own. I'm only in contact with one of my original high school friends and even he married early and has 3 kids.

Am I starting the "race" too late?

As for the wedding itself, my family is not very well to do, while her side is more financially stable and is spear-heading the planning (again, not a bad thing). My fiancee and I were not planning on doing the deed anytime soon, and wanted to just roll with the idea and whatever happens, happens.

Well, her mom was over for a visit and by the time she left, we came up with a date for our wedding social - mid June( http://www.socialsguide.com/whatisasocial.php )and a date for the wedding itself - mid August. HOLY CRAP!

I need your input. Let me know we are going to be okay

[Waffles and Scotch]

You'll be fine! Jump in with both feet and don't look back.

[CauliColin]

You're going to be okay. Relax.

[hrodbert696]

You'll be fine. Congratulations!

I married early, at 24 (my wife was 27). A little while later we had our first baby and I started grad school, and ran into one of my undergrad professors. He was now white-bearded and all, maybe 50ish - and had just had HIS first child. So there we were, comparing notes on one-year-old girls. I guess the point being, life happens when it happens, and don't worry about "starting late." But in your situation in particular, it's not a bad thing that your wife is younger if you plan to have kids - pregnancy get more complicated for women after 35 or so, from a medical perspective. Doesn't matter much for you though.

Anyway, relax, love, communicate with her, and enjoy the ride.

[i_got_a_mohawk]

Live your life as it best suits you, don't worry about how other people have lived theirs

[Chef FourString]

My father remarried at 51 and had two more kids. There is a 18 year difference between him and stepmother. Everything worked out. You'll be fine.

[slobake]

Congratulations, take it one day at a time and enjoy the ride my friend. Weddings are huge deals for some women and their mothers. Did you ever play wedding day when you where a little boy? Some little girls do. They dream about their wedding day all their lives. Let her enjoy it and don't be too surprised if you are not much more than window dressing.
The marriage is a different story. Get to know her mom and dad as much as possible. Is her mom controlling? It sounds like she has taken over the whole wedding. You might want to get to know her well enough where you can have good conversations about boundaries.Her dad can be a great friend. You are marrying her daughter but you are inheriting her family too. That can be a great thing. Also chances are that your fiance is a lot like her mom, pay attention to that. One key to a good marriage is two people who can talk and be honest with each other. It took me a while to get there with my wife. After being together for 31 years we are still working on it. Sometimes we talk about some issue so long that we forget what the issue was but we just know we are sick of talking about it. We know each other pretty well, we know about all the craziness and flaws and we still love each other, even more so now. I know that kind of love and acceptance is something that a lot of us crave. The other thing is to never give up, there have been days when it took all I had to get out of my truck and walk into my house. My wife would probably say the same thing, except that she doesn't drive a truck. For me it has been worth it and I wouldn't trade what I have now for anything else. I am 60-years old and these are the best days of my life.

[knumbskull]

congratulations. enjoy, it all sounds great to me!

...remember, no photos on the stag weekend/bachelor party. standard.

[macaroni tony]

Congratulations! Don't worry about your old friends from school. None of this is bad news. It's never too late...be happy with your woman and make your marriage work.

[JFOC]

Similar age gap between my Sister & her new husband (29 & 40). Sister is expecting in March...

Congrats on the Big Year

[fmoore200]

Congrats buddy! Not to throw a wet blanket on the festivities, but if you plan to have kids at a later stage in life and aren't well off financially, you very well may be putting of retirement into your 70's..

[blastoff99]

Congratulations!

I'm not wild about your use of the word "scary." If you really are scared, then you need to take another look at what you're doing. If you meant that you have some anxiety about it, I'd say that's probably pretty normal.

There is a huge age difference between my husband and me. It makes your 13 years look small. We obviously were well aware of this before we got married. The 'kid' thing was never a factor, since I'd had cancer and can't have kids, so that's a complexity we never had to deal with.

But we did have to deal with plenty of other things. More than once I got accused of being a gold digger. More than once he got accused of taking advantage of a younger woman. More than once people made stupid cracks about us.

If you don't think you can deal with that, don't marry her. At least at first, people attempting to be mean will be a part of your life. For my husband and me, we were determined to not let it hurt us, no matter the spirit of the comments made. This has cost us one friendship.

You ask if you're starting the race too late. What race? You're not up against anybody. Things happen at different times for different people. If this relationship works for both of you, that's fantastic. Go with it.

[pocketgroove]

Congrats, and try not to worry too much! If you're getting help planning everything, and it sounds like you are, just relax and enjoy the ride. One last thing, if either of you start to feel rushed or like you need more time, take it. Don't push yourself to hurry if you feel like more time is necessary.

Good luck!

[pacojas]

why are people congratulating the OP?!!

he's scared to death and this is your responses. when one enters into a marriage, they have to be willing to over-compensate and constantly search for compromises. my best advice to him,... if you're not built for pain, don't go looking for it!

i'm an older guy without the complications of marriage in my life. 90% of my married friends, male and female, bore me to tears about problems that no one should put up with. the other 10% are smart enough to make it work! love might get you there, it's intelligence to keeps it together.

think before you speak and best of luck. congrats if you have the stuff. otherwise,... you just sold your soul, IMO! YMMV

ps: and don't come in here looking for sympathy in a couple years!

[AaronMB]

Enjoy the journey!

A large obstacle can be the family - it seems you have their support! That's a huge "plus one."

1) You'll be fine.

2) It's not a race. So try not to make it out to be and add the unneeded stresses that kind of thinking can create.

3) Never mind the nay-sayers.

[Illini10]

One of my female friends from work got married when she was 29 to a guy who was 17 years older than her. They had their first kid a year later. Eight years later, they're still going strong and have two more children. Her parents love her husband and he takes pretty good care of her and their kids.

[hrodbert696]

Originally Posted by pacojas

why are people congratulating the OP?!!

Because we're not ALL cynical pessimist bastards. Some of us have actually found that love and marriage are good things, believe it or not. His post didn't read to me like he was reluctant to get married or doesn't really love this woman, just that he's a little freaked out by the gravitas of it all. Nothing unusual there.

[ggvicviper]

Originally Posted by pacojas

why are people congratulating the OP?!!

he's scared to death and this is your responses. when one enters into a marriage, they have to be willing to over-compensate and constantly search for compromises. my best advice to him,... if you're not built for pain, don't go looking for it!

OP, congrats. It's never too late as long as it makes you happy. I'm in the process for building a sapphire engagement ring myself.

[nortonrider]

No Pic - No 26 year old, "financially stable" fiance!

[kissmybASS01]

Originally Posted by hrodbert696

You'll be fine. Anyway, relax, love, communicate with her, and enjoy the ride.

This seems to be the general consensus here. Thank You!

Originally Posted by hrodbert696

I guess the point being, life happens when it happens, and don't worry about "starting late." ...and enjoy the ride.

This makes my day!

Originally Posted by slobake

Congratulations, take it one day at a time and enjoy the ride my friend. Weddings are huge deals for some women and their mothers. Did you ever play wedding day when you where a little boy? Some little girls do. They dream about their wedding day all their lives. Let her enjoy it and don't be too surprised if you are not much more than window dressing.
The marriage is a different story. Get to know her mom and dad as much as possible. Is her mom controlling? It sounds like she has taken over the whole wedding. You might want to get to know her well enough where you can have good conversations about boundaries.Her dad can be a great friend. You are marrying her daughter but you are inheriting her family too. That can be a great thing. Also chances are that your fiance is a lot like her mom, pay attention to that. One key to a good marriage is two people who can talk and be honest with each other. It took me a while to get there with my wife. After being together for 31 years we are still working on it. Sometimes we talk about some issue so long that we forget what the issue was but we just know we are sick of talking about it. We know each other pretty well, we know about all the craziness and flaws and we still love each other, even more so now. I know that kind of love and acceptance is something that a lot of us crave. The other thing is to never give up, there have been days when it took all I had to get out of my truck and walk into my house. My wife would probably say the same thing, except that she doesn't drive a truck. For me it has been worth it and I wouldn't trade what I have now for anything else. I am 60-years old and these are the best days of my life.

While she is the youngest of three siblings, her parents have been very supportive of the both of us. My fiancee recently recovered from a 2yr illness that left her virtually unable to work. Once employment insurance benefits ran dry, we were barely surviving on my meagre wage. During this tough stretch (and even presently), they have offered us leftovers to take home, extra groceries from the freezer and pantry, and helped pay some expenses.

They are two of the most generous, kind-hearted, and welcoming people I could ever wish to meet.
Another interesting fact: Her dad worked for the slightly famous local amplifier company back in the day. Maybe some of you have heard of Garnet

Originally Posted by knumbskull

...remember, no photos on the stag weekend/bachelor party. standard.

So...no-go to video uploads to Youtube / Facebook

Originally Posted by fmoore200

Congrats buddy! Not to throw a wet blanket on the festivities, but if you plan to have kids at a later stage in life and aren't well off financially, you very well may be putting of retirement into your 70's..

Yes, there is that. I want to make sure I stay healthy and enjoy every moment. Life is too short, and all that.

Originally Posted by pocketgroove

One last thing, if either of you start to feel rushed or like you need more time, take it. Don't push yourself to hurry if you feel like more time is necessary.

Good luck!

Picking a venue, booking a location for pictures, caterers, cash vs open bar...endless questions, the sound of the cash register till jingling in our heads One foot in front of another - tackle one thing at a time. /sigh

Originally Posted by nortonrider

No Pic - No 26 year old, "financially stable" fiance!

I tried uploading one but it must be your browser...



Thank you everyone - including the cynical pessimist bass-tards for your input!